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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help....... need advice about living together

86 replies

clare1980 · 25/11/2004 19:54

my boyfriend has asked us to move in with him after xmas but i dont know if i want to move across the country away from my family and friends.he is still legally married as his divorce is not finalised yet. i stay at his house most of the time usually 2-3 weeks at a time but there is always an option to go home which i have to do so my daughter can see her dad. i am really happy and we are practically living together but i am not sure whether i should give up my house and make it permanent.i would be grateful for any advice

OP posts:
WigandRobe · 26/11/2004 13:45

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princesspeahead · 26/11/2004 13:49

good grief, is that how you normally react to another opinion being proffered? turn everything into a fight and then flounce off? must make for some interesting advocacy in wales! hilarious!
not sure why this is about you anyway, it is clare who is meant to be getting some advice. clare, good luck with it all. xx

Original poster
clare1980 · 26/11/2004 14:27

dp does not have responsibility and his ex does not get maintanence from father as he was voilent and has no contact, my dp has brought the child up since she was 2 and pays 25 pound a week volentry maintenance as he fills she should be treated as his own but he has no rights to her at all.

OP posts:
codswallop · 26/11/2004 14:31

my life w and r what is going on/
pph wa only expressing a view!

Original poster
clare1980 · 26/11/2004 14:33

i am sorry to cause negative feeling amongst other mums netters, i am total out of my depth with all this and do not want my partner taken for a ride as he can be a bit guliable at the best of times. he has only just told his ex he has a new partner because he felt it was unfair on me to remain a secret but he was worried she would stop him seeing her dd as she comes to stay often when she goes away with her new partner.

OP posts:
WigandRobe · 26/11/2004 14:40

Message deleted

CarrieG · 26/11/2004 14:46

If he's been supporting the ex's dd as part of his family I would think she was possibly entitled to something - depending on his xp's new circumstances. If she's now living with someone else & expecting HIS child, maybe it depends on her circumstances - seems a bit unfair on your dp to have to support a child who isn't his, when he's no longer in a r/ship with her mother! But then it's a bit rough on dp's sd if she's grown up regarding dp as her dad to then lose contact...

Can you get advice from CAB about your council house? You can't be the first person ever to move out of a council house because of a r/ship but not to want to give it up immediately in case things don't work out - must be precedents.

If it was me tbh I'd wait till dp has HIS house in order - ie. DA sorted & the question of whether or not his sd is a 'dependent child'. At least then you can make decisions based on your own circumstances & r/ship & not on something you can't predict or control, ie. his divorce arrangements! Hope it all works out

spacemonkey · 26/11/2004 14:47

Clare, I have no knowledge of any of the legalities being discussed here, but would urge you to think carefully before giving up your council accommodation, and, if you do decide to give up your housing to move in with dp, check with your local authority as you may qualify for a payment from them in return for handing the property back.

codswallop · 26/11/2004 14:47

i am sorry but i find this totally ridiculous wig and robe , shame on you.

pph i s a well respected mumsnetter who is by no means the person you make her out to be
any look at your posts shows that it is you who deliberately inflmae harmless situations by throwing your weight around.

MummyToSteven · 26/11/2004 14:49

clare - would it be possible for you to get some sort of council-house swap for one in an area near your partner? just concerned about worst case scenario - ie. that if things don't work out with your partner that you have access to affordable accommodation.

turquoise · 26/11/2004 14:49

Re the dp's step child, when I worked at the CAB the advice we gave was that if he had taken financial responsibility for her, he would most likely have to continue.
I was just an office girl though, and not even glorified but I agree with Carrie, get some general advice from your local CAB.

WigandRobe · 26/11/2004 14:52

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spacemonkey · 26/11/2004 14:53

You're not W&R, I think you're great and love reading your posts.

codswallop · 26/11/2004 14:53

oh fgs go on then

Original poster
clare1980 · 26/11/2004 14:54

wig and robe i am very grateful for your advice x

OP posts:
Blu · 26/11/2004 14:56

W&R - I thought PPH's comment (on Spook's thread, wasn't it?) about 'soiling her hands' was tongue in cheek. Was I wrong?

Clare - I agree with Spacemonkey - be v careful about giving up security - I would wait until he can marry you, or you have signed his mortage docs, before you erlinquish your flat.

But he sounds lovely, and i do wish you the best with him.

nasa · 26/11/2004 14:56

how weird. W&R your advice is always really useful but did seem to be a completely unprovoked, unnecessary and harsh attack on pph. She was also trying to help Clare

[

Blu · 26/11/2004 14:57

W&R - you're not at all unpopular! You give great advice and start the best fart threads. But you so seem a bit tetchy today!

Original poster
clare1980 · 26/11/2004 14:58

the money he pays each week is an agreement between him and his ex which he pays because he doesnt want dd to go with out.

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 26/11/2004 14:59

Clare, please do check with the council before you give up your house. I know that where I am tenants can qualify for a substantial sum in return for renouncing their tenancy.

Original poster
clare1980 · 26/11/2004 15:04

i waited 5 years to get a house just round the corner from my parents as i started off at a b&b and all my friends are there too, where dp lives is in the middle of no where and i know nobody, i have been to several do's wiv dp in an effort to make friends but all his friends are alot older than me i am a really friendly person but do not seem to fit in so i stay at home and do house work and stuff.

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 26/11/2004 15:07

That sounds a bit worrying. I have been in a similar situation - started off homeless after marriage broke up and in grot temporary accommodation, then got a house and two swaps later I have a great place in London. I've been through a lot of shit to get this place and it would take a lot to make me give it up, and it sounds like you're situation is not so different! Would your dp consider moving to where you are?

MummyToSteven · 26/11/2004 15:07

doesn't sound as though there is enough benefit to you in moving in permanently with dp - sounds like you could end up a bit isolated and miserable. is there anything in the M & T line going on/SureStart line near DP? Do you drive?

SenoraPostrophe · 26/11/2004 15:09

Don't do it!

We lived in the middle of nowhere last year and I was absolutely miserable. If you're a social person, just don't do it. Get your dp to move in with you or something.

lockets · 26/11/2004 15:10

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