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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think DP might leave me

124 replies

alanjohnso · 19/07/2022 15:29

Nc'd.

I did something a bit silly. I got a job and wasn't 100% truthful with DP about how I got it (didn't do anything wrong). I don't even know why I wasn't just straightforward but DP is saying that he doesn't trust/have any faith in me, he feels differently and I may have jeopardised our relationship. I have 2DC (not his) that are very attached to him (we've been together a few years) and this would be devastating for them. I have apologised several times but it's not changing anything. I can't talk to him right now as he's out. I don't know what to do. We usually have a really lovely relationship but I might have buggered it up. Any advice would be wonderful.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 19/07/2022 19:59

Listen to the great advice you are being given.

This is a controlling man that is not good for you.

Highly likely he will try to guilt you into not taking the job.

Let him go.

Please call Womens aid for support.

ilyx · 19/07/2022 20:13

he doesn't particularly want me working (we have enough on his income)

🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Triffid1 · 19/07/2022 20:13
  1. Sub consciously, you didn't tell him because you knew he wouldn't want you working. You are aware of his controlling behaviour on some.level.
  1. He won't leave. He might go for a few hours or not, but he will be back. With a list of rules and things he expects from you in order for you to "regain his trust". This will ensure you are even more under his thumb (one of the things will be, of course, giving up this job you got "dishonestly")

He needs to go. But you aren't ready. Just remember this thread please as the behaviour ans controlling ramps up.

britneyisfree · 19/07/2022 20:45

Sounds like a controlling wanker. Be glad he's leaving, he's doing you a favour.

I bet he doesn't go and is expecting you to beg for forgiveness and quit the job before you even get started

Original poster
alanjohnso · 19/07/2022 23:02

For those saying it was to get me to not take the job: he said take the job as he's leaving anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
alanjohnso · 19/07/2022 23:05

@MammaMacgill87 sorry, just realised I never replied to your post. I can't say what it is without it being outing but not a purchase and certainly not behind his back.

OP posts:
LuckyLil · 19/07/2022 23:09

alanjohnso · 19/07/2022 23:02

For those saying it was to get me to not take the job: he said take the job as he's leaving anyway

Bit of an extreme reaction to taking a job really. I'd agree there's red flags all over this.

WaveyHair · 19/07/2022 23:12

I think if he does leave you will look back in a few months time and see you have dodged a bullet. You might not see it now but later on it will become clear.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/07/2022 23:14

alanjohnso · 19/07/2022 23:02

For those saying it was to get me to not take the job: he said take the job as he's leaving anyway

Good. You're lucky he's leaving because he is absolutely not the man you think he is.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

CheeseTopping · 19/07/2022 23:49

He's controlling. I bet if you tell him you won't take the job he won't leave.

Dery · 20/07/2022 00:07

“This is awful. Please contact women's aid, he is controlling and manipulating you so badly that you can't see how insane this is.”

This. You don’t seem able to separate your perception of the situation from his and you’re hearing his voice in your head instead of your own. This is stopping you from seeing how bonkers this is. I think getting away from him could be very good for you and your DCs.

Original poster
alanjohnso · 20/07/2022 00:37

He just said he doesn't love me.

Whether or not you think I'm a victim or in the wrong or any negative opinion you may have of me, please understand I'm grieving and heartbroken.

OP posts:
Dery · 20/07/2022 07:16

I’m sorry that you’re going through such a painful experience, OP. And I’m sorry that my post seemed critical of you. That wasn’t the intention. You sound lovely.

What posters are reacting to is his suggestion that you have done something very wrong and his reaction is reasonable. That is not the case. It’s heartbreaking for you now and naturally you are grieving what you thought you had.

Those of us reading your posts can see that you’re not safe with this man if he can behave like this, though. He is cruel and bullying when he doesn’t get his way and wants you to be dependent on him in a way which makes you vulnerable. If nothing else, please know that this is not on you, it’s on him.

Beamur · 20/07/2022 07:23

Congratulations on the job.
Financial security and long term savings and pensions are crucial. Too many women end up being supported by their husbands and partners and don't plan for the future end up truly screwed over when their partners leave them when it's too late to make up those lost earnings.
I'm sorry you're hurting now. But whatever you do next in life bear this in mind. Don't become financially trapped..

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 20/07/2022 07:25

alanjohnso · 20/07/2022 00:37

He just said he doesn't love me.

Whether or not you think I'm a victim or in the wrong or any negative opinion you may have of me, please understand I'm grieving and heartbroken.

Well if he doesn't love you then you are better off without him and making a new fresh start.

It will be ok, really Flowers

OhThatChicken · 20/07/2022 07:50

If he's saying he doesn't love you I'd suggest this is about way more than the job and he's got that as the closest thing to something you've done 'wrong' to use as an excuse (of course it's not wrong).

I'm so sorry this is happening and I know it doesn't help right now that we're all saying he sounds controlling and horrible and that you're better off without him (although you are).

Just be gentle on yourself. You and your DC can and will get through this.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 20/07/2022 08:12

Those of us reading your posts can see that you’re not safe with this man if he can behave like this, though. He is cruel and bullying when he doesn’t get his way and wants you to be dependent on him in a way which makes you vulnerable.

I agree 100%.

LuckyLil · 20/07/2022 08:17

alanjohnso · 20/07/2022 00:37

He just said he doesn't love me.

Whether or not you think I'm a victim or in the wrong or any negative opinion you may have of me, please understand I'm grieving and heartbroken.

Odd he's only decided he doesn't love you after you didn't ask his permission for a job. This is emotional abuse.

Meltingsocks · 20/07/2022 08:20

Well done OP! You've gotten rid of an abusive arsehole and escaped a situation in which you were extremely vulnerable. And set an excellent example for your DCs.

You're a legend. He's an abusive, controlling wanker who enjoys belittling women.

BryceQuinlan · 20/07/2022 10:03

I think this is maybe a sliding doors moment for you. If you allow this man to continue treating you this way, you'll look back at this as a missed opportunity for a better life. I'm sorry you're in pain, I don't see his behaviour as anything other than manipulation and emotional abuse. The fog will left one day and you'll be able to see with more clarity.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 20/07/2022 16:58

How are you OP?

Whatonearth07957 · 20/07/2022 18:54

Reckon he will create havoc and then breadcrumb offering to come back if you ditch the job... Spoiler alert...do NOT do this. If everything has to be on his terms you are very vulnerable. Your subconscious knows this which is why you weren't totally upfront. Give yourself a break. You are doing amazingly and did the right thing for you and your DC. Let go if any guilt and find your schutpuz here.

Original poster
alanjohnso · 21/07/2022 20:41

Sorry everyone, I will update when I can.

OP posts:
Sux2buthen · 13/08/2022 22:41

I hope you are ok op xx

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