I think DP might leave me

[alanjohnso]

Nc'd.

I did something a bit silly. I got a job and wasn't 100% truthful with DP about how I got it (didn't do anything wrong). I don't even know why I wasn't just straightforward but DP is saying that he doesn't trust/have any faith in me, he feels differently and I may have jeopardised our relationship. I have 2DC (not his) that are very attached to him (we've been together a few years) and this would be devastating for them. I have apologised several times but it's not changing anything. I can't talk to him right now as he's out. I don't know what to do. We usually have a really lovely relationship but I might have buggered it up. Any advice would be wonderful.

What is it he actually has an issue with? The dishonesty or he just doesn't want you to have a job? It sounds like it's the not telling him that has triggered a reaction?

Very weird that he wouldn't want you to work.

Is it that you didn't discuss with him that you wanted to start working, and then all of a sudden got a new job?
If that's the case then I can see why he's upset, its like making a big decision without discussing with your partner. But its not worth killing the relationship over IMO.

If you did discuss this with him and he just flats out don't want you to work at all for no good reason then that's weird and controlling behavior to me.

Unless the job is something he considers unsavoury like porn work or prostitution then i fail to see the point.

Your partner sounds a bit controlling with you not wanting to get a job and the fact he didn't like you meeting up with this friend...

I mean there is clearly a reason you kept it from
Him..

A man who doesn't want you to work is a massive red flag op.

What is it that you need to pay off? Is he aware of your debt, is that why you are being cagey about how you got the job?

Such an odd reactions. If he's willing to leave you over this I can't help but think he's just using this as a excuse to something he was already considering doing, you just gave him a reason so he doesn't have to be the bad guy.

Can't you say the fact you are being over the top moody and unforgiving shows exactly why I need my own income.

You have two children, you aren't married, you don't work - you are doing absolutely the right thing by getting a job and I agree with everyone else that he's being really weird and controlling.

He doesn't want you to work, hence punishing you for this non-issue. If he didn't know about the reason for the drink, he would have found some other reason to kick off. I doubt he will leave you, he is too controlling.

Him not wanting you to work is a massive red flag.

Well, given your updates, he's controlling and I would bet that you didn't tell him because you were scared of his reaction.

Considering he doesn't want you working, was it perhaps a case of you telling him you happen to have been offered a job, rather than planned it, making it look like it was kind of out of your control?

Er, what? The best thing this man could do for you is leave. Maybe then you'll gain a bit of distance to see this situation for how wrong it is.

You definitely need a job. Especially if he doesn't want you to have one.

Another horrid abuser you will be well rid of.

Well done for getting a job- you will probably need it. He sounds controlling and you'll prob all be better off in the long run without him.

Have not read the whole thread, but it was social. You had no idea whether it would result in a job and she is a friend. You are not married and work is important for many reasons, not just money. He sounds controlling and making you feel insecure is not nice and frankly without a job you are insecure.

So from his point of view - he doesn't want you working
You deliberately went out with a friend with the full knowledge you were going to get or try to get a job from her. You did indeed get the job. So you were deceitful and expected him to be happy?
From a normal person's point of view - he has no right to tell you whether you can work or not, even if it's something as innocent as, childcare or it would significantly impact the family/house dynamics (although I heavily suspect that it's not as innocent as that)
-What on earth did you purchase that needs paying off that he isn't willing to contribute to, that you require the job to pay for?
Because that would be the second part of why he's saying he can't trust you (big purchase and secret job)

So, either this is all his controlling ways and is completely off kilter and you are better off without him
Or, you've been deceitful more than once and now he can't trust you and you should break up anyways
Or it's one big mis understanding, you should assert your independence, apologize for being sneaky, he'll realise he was being judgemental and it will all work out...
🤔 Good luck with your job?

My understanding is that he was fine that you had gained employment through one method. Then he finds out your gained it through a different method and is very upset about that. So it's not you getting a job it's how you got it. But why? What do you think is the issue with you asking your friend for work?

What kind of job do you get by going out with a friend for a drink?🤔
It's not a selling job is it? (MLM).

I usually keep quiet, but this is setting of major alarm bells.

He sounds just like my narcissist controlling ex, and this is how it started for me. Even down to having two children that weren’t his.

He doesn’t want you to work so he can keep control of you, your thoughts and how you spend your time. He is upset that you went out with a friend and had a conversation about finding work. The problem here is that he has you thinking you have done something wrong (that is perfectly normal human behaviour) and that he is threatening to leave you so that you feel the way you are feeling. The outcome of this will be that he definitely won’t leave you, but you will never do anything like this again in fear of him leaving. He also will be feeling uncomfortable that you have brought up the issue that you would like to work with someone outside of your relationship. It makes him look like he is being controlling and he won’t want it to look like that to others, I’m betting he makes a show of taking care of you all. Im also betting you don’t have much access to finances and feel bad to ask for anything.

I spent 6 years being treated like this, and it only got worse. He chipped away at every part of me to the point I was a shell of my former self. He had me believing I was weak, couldn’t cope with life and had me tal health issues relating to past trauma which he used as a stick to keep me in check with. Actually was the start of his downfall as my GP referred me to therapy, and as I worked on myself I started to question the lofe I was trapped in. In the end I left our (his) rented house and was rehpused by the council. I now have a professional career, my own home and after leaving and my lovely girls also needing therapy we are thriving. He affected all 3 of us so badly, and ill never forgive myself for my girls having to suffer through it all. For the first 12 months he was perfect, and caring and everything I’d ever imagined I wanted from a partner. He was clever, and manipulative and I feel for it all.

The issue here isn’t that he will leave you because you have told a lie, the issue here is that he has you believing this to be the truth, where it sounds to me there are much much bigger issues.

Please tell him that he should leave if its upset him so much. You are looking forward to starting your new job and wish him well. Then congratulate yourself for freeing yourself from a pathetic excuse if a human being

Is it cash in hand and you are on benefits or something?

Red flag alert!!!

His threat to leave you over this is designed to keep you in fear of it actually happening, to control your future actions.