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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think DP might leave me

124 replies

alanjohnso · 19/07/2022 15:29

Nc'd.

I did something a bit silly. I got a job and wasn't 100% truthful with DP about how I got it (didn't do anything wrong). I don't even know why I wasn't just straightforward but DP is saying that he doesn't trust/have any faith in me, he feels differently and I may have jeopardised our relationship. I have 2DC (not his) that are very attached to him (we've been together a few years) and this would be devastating for them. I have apologised several times but it's not changing anything. I can't talk to him right now as he's out. I don't know what to do. We usually have a really lovely relationship but I might have buggered it up. Any advice would be wonderful.

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 19/07/2022 16:37

Oh and stop apologising to him

Stop contacting him (if you have been) and go about your business

midairchallenger · 19/07/2022 16:41

On the face of it he sounds controlling.

user1471082124 · 19/07/2022 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request

Delete this post. Too much info shared

CallOnMe · 19/07/2022 17:11

If you have to sneak around behind his back trying to get a job then it should be you leaving him!

If I’ve misread and you don’t have to sneak around to get a job then yes if I was him I would leave you for lying.

smiles39 · 19/07/2022 17:16

I’m still stuck on why you had to have a reason to go out for a drink with someone…

OldFan · 19/07/2022 17:28

I don't think you really did much wrong @alanjohnso . It sounds like he doesn't really like the idea of you working, which is controlling of him.

Catlover1970 · 19/07/2022 17:30

Let him leave and regain control of your life!

Hawkins001 · 19/07/2022 17:31

alanjohnso · 19/07/2022 15:32

@TedMullins I went out for a few drinks with a friend (female) and told my DP it was a social drink but it was really me trying to get a job through her.

To be honest why does how.you.achieved it , suddenly make.him question the relationship ? Seems unusual, for his reaction. That aside congrats op

pippinsleftleg · 19/07/2022 17:33

alanjohnso · 19/07/2022 15:36

@MiWadiMyChoice no, I don't and he doesn't particularly want me working (we have enough on his income) but I have something I want to pay off by myself over the next few months and obviously need a job to do so.

This is why. He doesn’t want you to work.

I bet if you don’t take the job and beg him not to leave he will stay….

Herejustforthisone · 19/07/2022 17:43

spotcheck · 19/07/2022 15:44

This really really isn’t about you slightly misrepresenting your drinks. It is that he is threatened by you gaining an income.

Absolutely this.

A controlling twat like him is no loss. No loss at all. You will see that in time.

Purplecatshopaholic · 19/07/2022 17:53

Herejustforthisone · 19/07/2022 17:43

Absolutely this.

A controlling twat like him is no loss. No loss at all. You will see that in time.

Show quote history

Aye. This is about control - he doesn’t want you having money. If I was you I would dump him and move on. However, Do Not apologise any more. And defo Do take the job.

MsMcGonagall · 19/07/2022 18:01

Well. If he's going to leave then you won't be able to manage on his income will you. So, good thing you've got a job. I wonder if he can see these contradictions in his logic?

I imagine not tbh.

No matter what the reason if my partner/DH said they wanted to leave then I would not encourage them to stay, myself.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 19/07/2022 18:01

Why would you even want to be in a relationship where something so trivial is even an issue?

If he leaves over something like this you are well rid. You are probably well rid anyway if you actually consider the situation.

MyEasterEggs · 19/07/2022 18:10

This sounds like the beginnings of financial abuse. Hold onto that job because you need the security and you’re entitled to work and earn and pay off your own debts.

I wonder, did you maybe keep it from him because there have been other red flags?

lastminutedotcom22 · 19/07/2022 18:11

alanjohnso · 19/07/2022 15:32

@TedMullins I went out for a few drinks with a friend (female) and told my DP it was a social drink but it was really me trying to get a job through her.

I can't see the issue here

I thought you were going to say you slept with the manager or something!!

He sounds like he was looking for an excuse to end the relationship and he's clutching at straws here it's pathetic

Whadda · 19/07/2022 18:16

You need to get a job.

You’re not married, and not earning. He has you in a very vulnerable position where you won’t be able to support yourself.

IncompleteSenten · 19/07/2022 18:16

He'd have a point if you gave the interviewer a blow job but come on, he is being ridiculous.

You say he doesn't want you working

He's seized on this as a stick to beat you with but don't fool yourself. He would have behaved the same, regardless.

It's clearly important to him that you have no financial independence.

There's only ever one reason for that.

Dery · 19/07/2022 18:31

OP - I hope you’re seeing from these responses that there’s something very odd going on in your relationship. It’s a bad sign that he doesn’t want you to work. It’s a bad sign you felt compelled to hide from him that you were looking for a job. It’s a bad sign that you’re giving credence to him complaining about you getting a job through having drinks with a mate. He’s acting like you got this job by offering sexual favours.

Unless you have hugely misrepresented the situation, something’s not right here with your relationship.

Original poster
alanjohnso · 19/07/2022 18:41

I had a job when we met which he persuaded me to give up because financially we didn't need it and it enabled me to be a SAHM for DC2 before he starts school this year. I'd never been able to be a SAHM before due to arsehole ex. He does pay for most things but we don't have a shared account. He also has his own property about an hour from my place that he sometimes goes to.

He's pretty much said it's over tonight, I imagine he'll leave tomorrow. I'm very sad.

OP posts:
LurpakAspirations · 19/07/2022 18:49

@alanjohnso

Honestly, I think you might be better off.

I don't see why this is an issue for him. Even accounting for boundaries from past abusive relationships (as mentioned by a pp), this to me is just all about control.

By not telling him the drink was for you to make an approach about a job, you denied him the opportunity to talk you out of it (or make threats about your relationship).

Please take a look at these 2 links and see if any of his other behaviour chimes with what'd described here:
www.refuge.org.uk/our-work/forms-of-violence-and-abuse/domestic-violence/forms-of-domestic-abuse/

www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/recognising-abuse/

RiverSkater · 19/07/2022 18:50

It's not about how you got the job, it's the fact that you got one against his wishes.

Maybe you can't see it but you've dodged a bullet here.

You need to be able to independently support your children. Tell him that as you save him goodbye - I know you are sad but loving him was not good for you or your kids.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 19/07/2022 18:52

I doubt he’d have been happy if he knew you were meeting the friend to ask for a job. He just would have controlled the situation earlier. He’s focussing on the “lie” as he knows he’s being utterly ridiculous not wanting you to work if you can and want to. He’s hoping you’ll get so concerned about him leaving over the “lie” you’ll beg him to stay, not take the job and remain under his control.

Hoolahulahoop · 19/07/2022 18:54

Honestly leave him go op. He is using it to control you. You should never have given up your job but that doesn't matter now. Take matters into your own hands and ask him to leave. You have two lovely children and a home. You don't need this.

AnuSTart · 19/07/2022 18:56

He'd really done a number on you hasn't he. Awful. I'm so sorry.

I hope the scales fall from your eyes soon and you feel the contempt which he deserves (and shows you).

CornishTiger · 19/07/2022 19:00

Make sure you claim universal credit and let him go. He sounds manipulative and controlling. Never rely on a man financially.