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Original poster

I think DP might leave me

124 replies

alanjohnso · 19/07/2022 15:29

Nc'd.

I did something a bit silly. I got a job and wasn't 100% truthful with DP about how I got it (didn't do anything wrong). I don't even know why I wasn't just straightforward but DP is saying that he doesn't trust/have any faith in me, he feels differently and I may have jeopardised our relationship. I have 2DC (not his) that are very attached to him (we've been together a few years) and this would be devastating for them. I have apologised several times but it's not changing anything. I can't talk to him right now as he's out. I don't know what to do. We usually have a really lovely relationship but I might have buggered it up. Any advice would be wonderful.

OP posts:
LondonWolf · 19/07/2022 19:01

He's pretty much said it's over tonight, I imagine he'll leave tomorrow. I'm very sad.

No he won't. Controlling men don't give up their focus that easily. You'll be punished until you give up the job.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 19/07/2022 19:02

Sounds like an excuse to me Op. I’m sorry he’s being a shit to you. You haven’t done anything wrong.

Inthetropics · 19/07/2022 19:03

OP, he doesn't want you to work, that's all. I have a feeling that you actually know that he is controlling and that once the sadness from the break up is gone you'll be just fine. If he leaves. There a big chance he's expecting you to humilliate yourself by pleading and asking for forgiveness (for doing something completely normal) and also for you to back down from the job.

takingmytimeonmyride · 19/07/2022 19:05

Wave him out the door and start your new life.

He's an utter knob and you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

D0lphine · 19/07/2022 19:06

You haven't done anything wrong here. Getting a job- no problems there. Going for a drink with a potential colleague/ boss - very very normal.

Sounds like a him problem tbh.

butterflied · 19/07/2022 19:06

It'll hurt now, but he did you a favour. That setup sounds very skewed.

Dery · 19/07/2022 19:06

“It's not about how you got the job, it's the fact that you got one against his wishes.

Maybe you can't see it but you've dodged a bullet here.

You need to be able to independently support your children. Tell him that as you save him goodbye - I know you are sad but loving him was not good for you or your kids.”

This with bells on.

LuckyLil · 19/07/2022 19:13

It does sound like he wanted to be in control and is using not telling the truth about the job as an excuse. I know you won't see it now but I think he's done you a favour here because it will only get more controlling. Embrace your independence. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to have a job I'd you want one, it's not his call to decide what you do with your own time. He should be supporting you.

Original poster
alanjohnso · 19/07/2022 19:20

I don't know if it's just to rub it in my face but he's being better with the dc than ever. He can't go until tomorrow, which I imagine he will do.

OP posts:
Inthetropics · 19/07/2022 19:24

alanjohnso · 19/07/2022 19:20

I don't know if it's just to rub it in my face but he's being better with the dc than ever. He can't go until tomorrow, which I imagine he will do.

It probably is. He must know you value the fact your dc like him a lot.

Whatever you do, OP, don't give up on this new job you just got.

WaveyHair · 19/07/2022 19:30

Cut to the chase. it is not about how you got the job -you did some networking, nothing new to see here. It is not as if you shagged the boss.

It is because you now have a job, your own money, and some semblance of independence from him. If this is shaking him up then you need to look hard at your relationship.

GreyCarpet · 19/07/2022 19:32

LondonWolf · 19/07/2022 19:01

He's pretty much said it's over tonight, I imagine he'll leave tomorrow. I'm very sad.

No he won't. Controlling men don't give up their focus that easily. You'll be punished until you give up the job.

I agree.

But, I'd he does, then in time you will reflect and feel quite scared by this.

I would have said exactly what you did in case it didn't turn into a job and I was disappointed. And I would understand anyone doing similar. However, if I, or my boyfriend did it, and it resulted I a job, we would both be excited for the other. The lack of complete transparency wouldn't even enter into it.

The truth is, he doesn't want to you work. Doesn't want you to have financial independence. Doesn't want you to meet other people.

If you want my advice, you'll take that job and get out of this relationship yourself. You'll be having a lucky escape.

Just ask yourself, what kind of man wouldn't want to encourage and support you? Wouldn't be proud of your achievements? Wouldn't want you to have independence? Would want to make you fully dependent on him?

Not the sort if man you want to be with.

Marshatessa · 19/07/2022 19:34

He will act all moody - wanting you to continue to beg until you say you won’t do job (you’ve probably already said this to him).

utter control. Let him leave

GreyCarpet · 19/07/2022 19:35

alanjohnso · 19/07/2022 19:20

I don't know if it's just to rub it in my face but he's being better with the dc than ever. He can't go until tomorrow, which I imagine he will do.

My daughter thinks my partner is fantastic. He's great with her and she's fond of him.

Would I let that sway my decision if I, the adult, learned something bad about him? Would I fuck!

He's trying to manipulate you again. Don't let him.

Herejustforthisone · 19/07/2022 19:35

His behaviour is to try to force you to give up the job to ‘save the relationship’@alanjohnso . I beg you not to do this.

He doesn’t want you having financial independence. He doesn’t want you to have a life that he isn’t in control of. These are horrendous red flags waving in your face.

Let him go if he wants to. He’s frighteningly controlling and that’s abuse.

BruisedSkies · 19/07/2022 19:36

He won’t leave. He’ll just make you think he’s going to until you back down and give up your job. Why doesn’t he want you working?

Furrydogmum · 19/07/2022 19:42

Don't entreat him to stay, get comfortable with you and dc being a family and not needing a man, especially one who isn't their dad, calling the shots.

Whadda · 19/07/2022 19:45

@alanjohnso Can you not see you’re being played and manipulated?

pippinsleftleg · 19/07/2022 19:48

alanjohnso · 19/07/2022 19:20

I don't know if it's just to rub it in my face but he's being better with the dc than ever. He can't go until tomorrow, which I imagine he will do.

Because now you can see how wonderful he is with the children and how wrong you are to get a job.

Kickk him out. Seriously, don’t let him leave, take control and kick him out.

Whadda · 19/07/2022 19:50

And I am willing to bet that tomorrow he turns it around to make it sound like it’s your fault he’s leaving, and then he’ll try to get you worked up, upset, and begging him to stay. Then you’ll get to the stage where you’re promising to forget about the job if he doesn’t leave.

Cakecakecheese · 19/07/2022 19:51

This is awful. Please contact women's aid, he is controlling and manipulating you so badly that you can't see how insane this is.

Fedthefuckup22 · 19/07/2022 19:52

I'm assuming that if you turned around and said to him "oh actually I don't think I'll take the job", he'd be ok and the relationship would be back on?

My sister married a guy like this. Had a child. He insisted she stayed at home to raise the child. My sister was bored shitless as they lived in the middle of nowhere. This was the start of his controlling behaviour. She had to produce receipts for things she's bought. They're now divorced.

CornishTiger · 19/07/2022 19:55

If he was part of the childcare plan I bet he’s doing this to sabotage you taking the job.

Original poster
alanjohnso · 19/07/2022 19:56

@CornishTiger he wasn't part of the childcare plan.

OP posts:
CornishTiger · 19/07/2022 19:57

@alanjohnso ah good. Forge ahead without him.