Is it normal to feel like you look after your DH more than he looks after you?

[morescrummythanyummy]

Just little things. I am snowed at work at the moment and working late into the nights, every night. If roles were reversed, I would proactively offer to take the kids out over the weekend so that he could get stuff done and finished earlier. No offer forthcoming from him, I'd always have to ask for this kind of stuff.

Is this normal? Do all husbands need a bit of a prod (my DH would be happy to do it if asked, he is fundamentally a decent bloke, but he does need a prod). I know it isn't a big issue btw, I am a big girl and capable of asking for what I want. It just feels a bit unequal that I need to ask for this type of support whereas he gets it volunteered, so suppose it is a slight gripe and I want to know whether it is a common husband thing.

Personally I think it is . I wish this was not the case, and that men were hard-wired to notice things that need doing and just do them, but in my experience with two husbands (and reading MN posts) , I'd say that it's unusual for men to be like that. Women seem to have that inbuilt "caring" gene which kicks in when they notice that something would make another person's life easier . I wish it was different but I can't see this changing in my lifetime.

Thanks! That is helpful. I sort of suspect this is the case too.

I do feel a little bit neglected, but by a man who I would also say is kind, a good father and generally does try hard. I don't really want to wallow in victimhood, because I am happy enough. We have a good sex life (young kids permitting!), love each other and have enough "glue" there, so it's probably just one of those things that I need to see past in embracing his other lovely qualities.

Yes, like the previous poster I wish it was not the case, but it does seem to me that women are usually more empathetic and considerate than men. Is it genetics or society (ie we teach girls to be like this)? Who knows?

Absofuckinglutely. I am constantly working out different ways to point this out to my husband about various things and I do have one of them good ones. I’m on mat leave with baby dc3 and it’s all a bit endless but it’s the same when I’m working full time. He takes and doesn’t give in many ways. He was really busy at work and asked me to do his dc pick ups, meaning I canceled my downtime in the evening to catch up with work and I was exhausted. At the end of the week I realisEd he had still gone for runs- he sacrificed my time so he could fit in work and exercise, and I was quite pregnant, it turned out anaemic and finding work hard enough on its own, I was furious with him. Men are very good at looking after themselves!
I do think you should just not look after him next time and point it out to him after. Book lunch solo and go out and leave him to it to catch up on work while parenting.

Ha, thank you all. This confirms my suspicions. I do have a few self esteem issues, which means that I sometimes struggle to look after my own interests first, so it definitely exacerbates the "gap". That bit is on me to work on. I feel a real "pull" towards helping him out and keeping others happy and it is disconcerting that he doesn't feel it in the same way. But I guess such is life and I need to just do as I please quite a bit more (where the impact is on DH rather than DC) - not in a petty way, just to be a better teammate to myself!!

Not in my case- but I actively sought out a provider type who demonstrated that he could organise things and did little things to make me feel comfortable and catered to (preparing me meals to take back to my own home when dating, picking me up from places, getting me things that I liked from the supermarket without being prompted). I know men can do a complete 180, but all these small acts of kindness have thankfully stayed in my relationship, and eventual marriage.

Out of my friends who are married or partnered up with complete donuts who need this encouragement that you describe- they never did any of these things in the early days nor did the women encourage them to. From the beginning it’s always been ‘typical men! What are they like!’ and being the one happy to take the lead and organise everything. they moan often, but as you have said- they are ‘decent blokes’ and that absolves them of doing anything extra in the relationship

Sadly, usually a ‘decent bloke’ means ‘does not shout or hit or is abusive’ (the bare minimum) and the majority of women do not vet for a helpful, time-generous man who cherishes them. The bar is on the floor.

Similarly to @Suprima I do not recognise this sort of behaviour from my marriage - DH goes out of his way to make my life easier without prompting and always has done. I wouldn't have married him if he hadn't shown what IMO is a pretty basic level of care

I guess that my husband is not the type of lazy entitled arse that you see on here - he does the bed changes, lots of the laundry, tidied up after himself . He does a pretty good amount off his own back without being asked. But yes, it is just small things that sort of mount up. I hadn't really noticed at all before we had kids, because, tbh, I didn't really need looking after and I had lots of time to be as selfish as I wanted with.

As long as everything feels equal it's fine.
Only you know how equal it is or what you both perceive as equal.
Talk to each other 🙂

I've always found that men think in terms of 'I'.
And women think in terms if 'we'.

It's not that they're not caring, loving or supportive, it's just that it's not their default position.

a lot of men are thoughtless (and worse) but I do get sick of this characterisation of women as default carers, nurturers and people pleasers. Not all women are like this. Doesn’t ring true for me at all, I always think of myself before anyone else. Not sure how I’ve somehow missed this part of female socialisation

@TedMullins OK, sorry. You're thoughtless (or worse) like a man. Fair enough.

My DH is much better at this than I am. If he knows I'm having a busy / stressful time at work I'll come home to 'my' household jobs done in addition to his own, and he'll take care of stuff like the food shop we'd normally do together so I don't have to think about it. Varying degrees of success when it comes to an on budget, sensible shop, but the intention is there

Depends on whats normal. We look after each other but I know he is not me and I'm not him (if that makes sense). I don't expect him to behave like I do, in some ways he's much more caring in others he just lets things pass him by.

If I'm ever worried I'm about to be taken advantage of, I ask myself what would a man do in this situation? Then I do that. So I'm never taken advantage of and I never apologise for it.
Also, I read on here, that women are programmed to not feel sexual attraction to a person they are parenting. Which makes alot of sense when you think about it. They should teach boys that in secondary school. If you expect your partner to look after you like your mum did, don't be surprised when the sex dries up.
I know that's not the scenario you are describing op, just musing 😊

Yes I feel the same. If dh has jobs to do il take ds out we will probably go out for 4/5 hours which gives him plenty of time plus time for a rest. If I ask dh to do same he will take ds out but be back in the absolute minimum time. An example a few months ago I took ds out one Saturday is dh could do a few jobs we were out 10-4 his jobs probably took 3 hours so lots of chill time . The following week I was ill, I asked dh to take ds out and suggested a crazy golf about 20!min from our house. I figured if they did golf, had a snack in the cafe, maybe nip to park and I asked them to call at shop they would give me 2-3 hours to sleep. They were back in 1 hour and 15 min🙄 it doesn't seem to occur to dh that I might want a rest too.

Unfortunately, I think so. My DH probably 'gets away' with more, as he works, whereas I currently don't. Annoys me how we seem to have ended up with 'pink jobs and blue jobs' though. If he didn't expect me to do the 'wifework' we'd have a better relationship, and I might feel more inclined to initiate the rumpy pumpy more often... I have explained this to him, but I assume he'd rather have me as Lynn to his Alan Partridge, than get more sex, which is quite sad, but there you go.

@Sussyknowsthemeaningoflife fully agree with that. @autienotnaughty I think it does occur to them, but they'd rather do what they want IME. I have spelled things out several times, both to current DH and previous one, thinking if only I explain they will get it, and sort it. This hasn't happened. Conclusion: some men unfortunately care more about doing their own thing than about their wives happiness/comfort/quality of life 😰

I don’t recognise this in my husband, he does more to look after me/the house than I do tbh

No. But then I deliberately chose Dh because he wasn't like this. He has a kind heart, his default is to step up, offer, do something nice.
It's just different kinds of people. You should have known this, before you agreed to marry.

We are both retired and I never feel as if my DH looks after me in any way. I don’t think he ever did but as we get older it is becoming more noticeable. I am looking after myself by withdrawing much of what I used to do for him, even the little things.

For us it depends on the task/situation. DH doesn’t drink tea or coffee so I only get a cuppa made for me when I’m ill - he obviously never makes one for himself, whereas in previous relationships we’d both automatically make the other a cuppa when we were having one, and that’s still my default if I am with my parents or staying with family etc.

We always share basic housework, and often tackle the bigger jobs together.

But if I was working late, very busy etc I’d probably have to explicitly say “I don’t have time to sort out dinner, you’ll need to do it” as he would expect us to eat together and I usually do the dinner whilst DH does bath and bedtime with the kids.

I don't think it's normal, although reading MN threads have taught me how many horrendous male partners there are out there.

When I was studying and we had a small child DP would often take DD out for the day on a Saturday so I could get work done - he'd often suggest and I wouldn't have to ask.

He's not perfect and neither am I but does see looking after our child, organising life etc as joint responsibilities. Always makes the tea too!

I'd disagree. My boyfriend is really attuned to me and is very considerate of my needs.

We don't live together but he knows I've had a really busy few weeks at work so he's come round to cook dinner for my daughter amd me so I don't have to, cleaned the kitchen, just lightened the load.

He was like it with his ex wife too so not just because this is the 'honeymoon period'. It's just how he is.

But then, his mum didn't let him get away with shit when he was younger just because he was a boy (his dad died when he was young so, in this case, it was just his mum).

Tbh my ex husband took on the bulk of absolutely everything - parenting, household chores, the emotional load of 'wifework' when I was pregnant and in the early years of my career. The rest of the time it was probably a fairly 50/50 split.

My friends husband does the majority of stuff with their kids (now teenagers but always has done) and running around at weekends, cooking etc because she has a more demanding job than he does and she has to work at home in the evenings whereas he doesn't.

So, no, I don't hink it's 'normal'. In fact, most of my friends have partners who step up/pull their weight generally. I only really know of one couple where this isn't the case and he has MH difficulties.

It seems to be 'normal' on Mumsnet but then maybe those of with DHs that pull their weight don't need to post about them?

Like PPs I 'observed' (sorry, can't think of a better expression) my DH carefully before we got married ... we both had our own homes so I could see that he knew how to budget, cook, clean, do DIY etc. He was very involved in volunteering so I knew he would be kind, generous with his time etc. I noticed how he treated his mother, neices and nephews & his friendship group. It sounds rather clinical but to me marriage was more than just 'falling in love'.

It hasn't all been plain sailing over 35 years but, if anything, my DH cares much more for me & is a better parent than I am . We've never fallen out over money, housework, parenting etc. I don't want to sound smug, we are not 'best friends' or in each other's pockets all the time but in terms of basic looking after each other and sharing the function of running the home together it works for us.