Is it normal to feel like you look after your DH more than he looks after you?

[morescrummythanyummy]

Just little things. I am snowed at work at the moment and working late into the nights, every night. If roles were reversed, I would proactively offer to take the kids out over the weekend so that he could get stuff done and finished earlier. No offer forthcoming from him, I'd always have to ask for this kind of stuff.

Is this normal? Do all husbands need a bit of a prod (my DH would be happy to do it if asked, he is fundamentally a decent bloke, but he does need a prod). I know it isn't a big issue btw, I am a big girl and capable of asking for what I want. It just feels a bit unequal that I need to ask for this type of support whereas he gets it volunteered, so suppose it is a slight gripe and I want to know whether it is a common husband thing.

It's common because, even if they weren't conscious of it, that's what a lot of us grew up seeing - mum running around supporting dad, giving things up, getting the kids out of his way. And often blokes are doing better than their dads, but they still don't think to ask 'How can I help?', 'What can I do?' - which would be much better than women having to ask.

It takes quite a lot of work to undo that conditioning.;

But this is part of mothering a man, having to ask, having to remind, like a child. And like a child, there's no malice intended in forgetting to do things. (some)Men just don't " see" the things women do. They do btw, they just can't be arsed to do anything because they know a woman will inevitably come along and sort it out. So mothering turns into nagging in an unequal relationship and the sex life takes a nose dive. Mysteriously!

I think you have to ask. And be prepared to ask more than once. Of course, everyone ( even men!) is different, but I have found that men just don’t seem to see what needs to be done, or what would be nice to be done. On the whole, though, those I have been close to will step up if you ask.

if they don’t, well, you will have learnt something.

I think your experience is common OP, more so than the other way round.

Mine isn't great with spontaneous affection but he is a doer, so he will fix things without being asked, always takes out the bins and does other jobs he knows I don't like. I'm pregnant, rendering me knackered as still working FT, so he has started doing night wake ups 6 days a week without being asked or expecting a fan fare. He brought me some dairy lee lunchables home yesterday (two packets because he knows one often isn't enough) because I'm struggling to fancy real food and then I don't eat and get more nauseous... so yeah, he does look after me.

This is certainly a dynamic a lot of people grew up with - myself included. My mum runs around after my dad and waits on him hand and foot and puts up with a lot of toxic behaviour from him. But curiously I’m not like that at all. As a kid I’d say I took after my dad more in terms of selfishness and just not doing anything I didn’t want to do. There weren’t really any consequences if I didn’t do chores or help her and it didn’t naturally occur to me to want to. As I got older, watching her behaviour made me want to go the other way and ensure I never ended up like that.

It was with my ex husband. Which is why he's an ex.

My expierence is different from your OP.
Dh absolutely looks after me. As well as the big things (chores raising kids etc) it's the small things that add up.
Eg, making sure my meds are accessible for me and having water ready at my bedside while I'm still asleep and hea getting ready for work, buying my favourite fruit and chocolate when he's popped out for some milk, making my favourite drink while we are watching TV, and so on.
I remember we had a blazing row about 20 years ago and both needed time to cool off. He used to iron the kids and his uniform and anything ineeded for the week. When I came back the ironing was hanging up, even mine. I realised then he wasnt petty or selfish.

I have found this since we had kids. He will proactively do loads of stuff, meal plan, cook, get me things from supermarket he knows I will like, do jobs round the house, an example is in the heat he has taken charge of buying an air con unit, fit it, make sure house is cool etc etc. I sometimes feel very well looked after. HOWEVER, he won’t look after the kids on his own proactively, don’t get me wrong if I go out for the afternoon or physically hand him a child he will look after them happily but it’s always me asking. Sometimes I wish he’d just offer to take them off my hands for a couple of hours without me asking, and when I go out I feel like I need to ask him to take them but he will just swan out. Like OP we have a good marriage but it’s hardwired into him that mum is default parent. This is 100% due to his parents as mum did everything (even cooking so he’s doing better than them already). His Dad was staying over once and my daughter asked for grandad to bath her and he literally didn’t know how to and grandma ended up doing it 😂. Just read that back and it sounds like he doesn’t help with the kids, that isn’t true it’s just I have to ask ‘DH will you read x a story tonight’ for example. It’s a difficult one 🤷‍♀️

@autienotnaughty i can totally relate to the taking the kids out and being back really soon 😂. Like, oh, are you back already! I had a go about this at him and he did buck up and manage to take them out for the whole afternoon

I don't think that's what she's saying at all. I identify with what @TedMullins says in that I put myself first too. I've had 30 years of watching my mum bend over backwards for other people, often to her detriment. The only person that will truly look out for and advocate for yourself is you and I don't think there's any shame in admitting that. That's not to say I'm a selfish and uncaring person, quite the opposite but when it comes down to it I would never give a man more of myself than he's willing to give me or the partnership is skewed and unbalanced and that's when you can feel like a martyr.

To add, I often feel like he sees himself as doing all the jobs round the edge in terms of facilitating my role of looking after kids, like filling paddling pool, making sure we are all fed, walking dogs, dealing with all car stuff. I’m on mat leave with second at the moment but I know when I go back to work I’ll still be responsible for all school stuff etc 🙈. I guess he sees it as 50/50 but sometimes don’t think he understands the mental load of always looking after kids (or he does!)

My husband absolutely adores me but quite often gets things wrong so he requires a prod in the right direction. An example of this being: I was exhausted from cluster feeding the baby, I had no sleep and I had mastitis and a cold. Was feeling pretty rubbish. He went above and beyond (in his head!) by cleaning my car, doing all the housework, building the garden furniture I’d been asking him to do, sorting all the laundry. He could figure out why I was still so pissed off with him. Because I’m his head he had done loads to help me out. When I explained to him that the only thing that actually would help in this situation would be to take the bloody baby so I could sleep he was like aaaaaah. He stuck to his strengths bless him so I don’t mind prodding him in the right direction because I often need prodding too with things that come naturally to him. Neither of us are perfect (which I think is mumsnet downfall sometimes, of simultaneously expecting perfection from a man, while also viewing them as useless idiots), but we are a great team and so our marriage is very happy. Now I am also back at work, it’s been even better for us as he is much better at home than I am!

@MiniMoosey this is exactly what my DH would do, he does every job apart from just take the child and wonders why I’m pissed off, glad I found this thread as it’s been a worry to me but seems I’m not the only one 😂

That's not him 'getting things wrong', that's you watching him work his pants off trying to make you feel better, whilst you neglect to communicate clearly to him what you need.

People aren't supposed to intuit what we need automatically. We're meant to tell them, and save them the effort of cleaning my car, doing all the housework, building the garden furniture I’d been asking him to do, sorting all the laundry.

All that really matters is whether or not it bothers you that you have to ask him to do these things. If it doesn't bother you, then it's not an issue. My husband is lazy around the house, always does the bare minimum, has never done a load of washing in his life and only really surface tidies rather than actually tidying. If I ask him to wipe the surfaces and hoover the floor, he'll do so without incident. Happy to do it, but just doesn't do it off his own back. Lots of women on MN will look at my marriage and say it's fundamentally one sided in terms of housework / childcare. What they don't see is that he orders me flowers every week to the house, and comes home with surprise gifts for me, and organises days out with my friends, takes me for lovely dinners and spends lots of quality time with me and the children. He's loving, caring, generous to a fault and a wonderful father. And provider. These are the important things to me, not whether he cleans the bathroom. He pays for a cleaner to do it instead. It's not for everyone, but we are happy. When we first were married I thought he SHOULD be doing all these things that other husbands do because they're the "done thing", but then I realised - I'm happy without it. The things that are important to me are what I get from him. He works hard to provide a lovely life for me and the children so if I can take one for the team and take on the majority of the housework then that's fine by me! It's not for everyone else, but it works for us.

^^This
Believe me, it kills attraction stone dead

Yes I fully agree! This was an example in response to the “shouldn’t have to ask!” Mentality.

I was saying that this is what happens when I DONT ask. Which is why I don’t see a problem with asking men to do things sometimes as it just doesn’t always naturally occur to them to do the caring side of things, they often go for the practical side of things.

My DH actively looks for things he can do to help me which is great - but actually also extremely annoying! Half the things he does aren't what I want or done in the way that I want and it makes me feel useless and as if I'm not allowed to make my own choices. And he doesn't prioritise.... He will spend hours on something because 'it needs doing' - which it does... but not right now! Right now I just want you to give the sitting room floor a quick Hoover because my sister is coming round later and I'm working. I would appreciate that an awful lot more than you finally putting the stuff on EBay that I asked you to do after Christmas. Rant over.... My DH is wonderful and would do anything for me and I am very lucky.

Does he not listen to you when you tell him, though, @DilemmaDelilah ? This is what I don't understand about some relationships. Doing a kind thing can easily be annoying or unwelcome... like baking cakes for someone who's on a diet... but there seems to be a gap in communication. 'It irritates me when he does x/y/z', if communicated clearly to him, and if he respects you, will translate directly to him simply not doing it any more. And if it doesn't, something is going fundamentally wrong in communications, and that's being glossed over with 'But he's such a lovely guy..!'

Well, yes, he eats dinner every night so I do want him to just cook it. (Which he does, but didn’t when we first married). We change the sheets every fortnight so I do want him to just do it. We tidy for the cleaner Thursday nights before she comes so I do want him to just do it. There is literally no excuse for not proactively doing these things except for thinking ‘boring shit housework is not my problem, that boring wife of mine can do it and if she wants me too she has to ask’

There is literally no excuse for not proactively doing these things except for thinking ‘boring shit housework is not my problem, that boring wife of mine can do it and if she wants me too she has to ask

Overly harsh and taking it personally. I'm sure there are men who think like this, but I'm also sure that there are many who don't realise how much work their female partner is doing, and would never think of her as boring.

@Watchkeys I have told him SOOOO many times that I want to be able to make my own decisions! He has a very unfortunate way of speaking which is to say something like 'you want salad for lunch' instead of asking me if I want salad for lunch! It is just a turn of phrase but it drives me round the bend. I do ask him to do specific things, but he already does so much for me I feel a bit guilty about it. He is retired and I am still working (from home) but he has a condition that can makes him very tired so I try not to ask him to do too much. Sometimes I will say something like 'if you are doing jobs today could you do x, y and z please' but he quite often still does the other 'helpful' things and doesn't have the energy for the really useful things I have asked him to do. But - he makes me breakfast in bed every day (I have said not to) and he brings me up regular cups of coffee.

@DilemmaDelilah

So basically he does what he feels like, and doesn't listen to what will actually be helpful or make you happy. If that were me, I'd class this as a fairly basic communication fail, either that I wasn't saying it in a way he understood, or he just didn't give a crap about what I wanted. I certainly wouldn't put up with it for any length of time, simply because he sometimes did things I liked.

@starrynight21

Women seem to have that inbuilt "caring" gene

We will never know for certain, though im pretty sure it's social conditioning rather than hardwiring or genes.

See how girls and boys are treated differently, even in the cradle and you will notice that girls are rewarded for 'being kind' and Boyd are admired for 'being strong'

All that needs to change is , well , all people and the whole of society. Simples.

I also want to know why WGO divorced this perfect man.Disagree about foreign men. Friends married to Spanish, Indian men, they wouldnt be seen dead in the kitchen, wife expected to do everything.