Is it normal to feel like you look after your DH more than he looks after you?

[morescrummythanyummy]

Just little things. I am snowed at work at the moment and working late into the nights, every night. If roles were reversed, I would proactively offer to take the kids out over the weekend so that he could get stuff done and finished earlier. No offer forthcoming from him, I'd always have to ask for this kind of stuff.

Is this normal? Do all husbands need a bit of a prod (my DH would be happy to do it if asked, he is fundamentally a decent bloke, but he does need a prod). I know it isn't a big issue btw, I am a big girl and capable of asking for what I want. It just feels a bit unequal that I need to ask for this type of support whereas he gets it volunteered, so suppose it is a slight gripe and I want to know whether it is a common husband thing.

Or maybe I’m just not a martyr. If I felt I was being taken advantage of/my needs weren’t being met, I’d say so. I simply wouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who made me feel like that. My partner is very attuned to my needs and therefore I feel like I want to five give that back. But my train of thought is ‘what do I want, and does this person meet it’ rather than ‘what can I do to meet their needs?’. I’d recommend it.

No. My DP and I look after each other, we are a team.

This is a good post.

Why do so many women sigh over their husbands selfish behaviour and then come to the conclusion that "they can't help it " or "women are just naturally more caring"? 🤔

Talk about making a rod for your own back! Pull them up on it every fucking time.

My DH is able to do everything, (apart from breastfeed) I really don't get people who think it's acceptable for a partner to not pull weight.
We tend to go in peaks, lucky our work loads have worked out generally if I am busy, he tends not to be so picks up household stuff and when he is busy i am not, so I pick it up.
However if we are both busy, the house gets abit of a mess , and that's fine because it's our house, our decision.
We both look after the kids evenly, he plays with the eldest while I feed the youngest.

so it's probably just one of those things that I need to see past in embracing his other lovely qualities

Why do you 'need' to see past something that he's doing that makes you unhappy? Have you explained to him and told him how you feel? If not, why not? If so, did he say 'You'll just have to see past it', and if he did, can you see how disrespectful that is of your feelings? That's what you're doing to yourself: disrespecting your feelings, because you think you 'need' to.

If your partner is doing something that makes you unhappy, tell him. If he doesn't respect your feelings, you have more on your plate than you think. If you can't tell him, you have more on your plate than you think.

Why do you care what's 'normal'? You're trying to minimise your own feelings of discomfort/dissatisfaction, aren't you? Trying to give him an excuse? 'His behaviour is normal, so I must just be being silly/over reacting'?

@TedMullins But my train of thought is ‘what do I want, and does this person meet it’ rather than ‘what can I do to meet their needs?’.

Ok. You're a person who wants people to meet their needs whilst not interested in meeting anyone else's. Fair enough.

It's only normal if being a doormat or putting yourself second is normal. I have higher expectations and would rather be single than be someone else's support human.

Poor mindset here, based on the notion that we each have to 'try' to meet the needs of those around us.

It's much healthier to surround yourself with people whose needs are met simply by you being yourself. It's not about not being interested in meeting other's needs. It's about being with people who are enough for you, and who you are enough for, rather than people who need you to 'try' to be the right person.

When I met my now (2nd) DH,he went all out, the DKs loved him,he could look in the fridge and magic up a picnic,very spontaneous, they had their first holiday abroad. I met him working in an office, previously,had been nursing 20 odd years,but my DM was dying because of a Dr in my hospital,I couldn't work there.went back to secretarial work,his DF had just died,my lovely best friend (mum) was dying. His 1st wife(a bitch) had countless affairs then went off (in her 30s) with a 19 year old. His M walked out.... went off with another man. He'd never been "mothered" I was perfect ,real old mother earth type.ironically,being brought up by his F,and a latchkey kids at 8, expected to look after younger siblings,he wanted"mothering". It badly affected his mental health, years of therapy and antidepressants. But there we are,and 33 years later....it was our wedding anniversary yesterday.

That’s not what I said. If you actually read my post in full I said my partner is very attentive to my needs which makes me want to reciprocate that. I think of my own needs first before trying to meet anyone else’s, yes. It’s depressing how some women have been socialised to think this is a bad thing.

Yes, also this. It’s not healthy for anyone to feel like they have reduce themselves to meet everyone else’s needs.

I think some men freely use our time for themselves and either do not think in the same way women do it just think about themselves.

I've got tougher but sometimes some men rely in it.

No not all husbands need a prod. My ex hubby was did absolutely everything. Important job, good salary, long hours, still would come cook, do shopping, help with kids and baths, bedtimes and treat me really well. He would do all blue jobs (never mowed a lawn in my life, even washed my car and filled up my gas - and did his own car too). Even changed the CD in my car. He would ask where I'd like to holiday and I was a terrible decision maker, so he would then give me a shortlist to choose and do practically all the organisation involving me all the way.

After my divorce I dated and most men are like your husband. They told me I expect too much (and that they are used to Princess treatment) where the english women they date do everything for them. They literally pick someone online, date them and are allowed to cocklodge almost immediately. They don't have to put in much effort. English women cook and clean and pander to them - even call them at work and ask what drinks they want and have it ready to hand to them at the door. Literally treated like Kings.

So YES many men are very lazy. I don't think that is normal behavious. Men on the continent and outside of the UK dote on their women imho.

What did I say differently from you? You stated that you think of how someone can serve your needs rather than how you can meet someone else's needs. That's all I summarised in my response. You've then corrected me by saying, you think of your own needs first. I mean how are those two things different?

@Sussyknowsthemeaningoflife Absolutely. I can take care of a man and baby him but boy does it kill any attraction. I immediately lose any will to have sex and start seeing him as a liability that needs looking after ... becomes a chore and unwanted responsibility.

Not sure how women can be romantic and respect a man for example who you date or live with that doesn't make life easier for you as a couple (but makes it much harder work for you than being single). Awful - who wants that

Poor mindset here, based on the notion that we each have to 'try' to meet the needs of those around us.

How is thinking ahead to have a cool drink waiting for your partner after hot drive home, a poor mindset? I'd think that was just a thoughtful way to conduct your marriage. I do nice things for my husband because I love him.

@WGO
Why did you divorce that particular husband?

My dh talks at me about his job - l know all his colleagues' names etc but hell will freeze over before he asks how my day went.
So l agree with you op.

@ Sussyknowsthemeaningoflife · I thought 'all' men were like that from my limited experiences. I wasn't lazy btw I was a very hard working person in the relationship.

I'd never heard of men who didn't look after their women (possibly because the women never spoke of it). Until I became single and experienced these characters and started to talk to people about it and read articles and found out I really was married to one of the few good ones.

Reading mumsnet and OLD have really opened my eyes to how 'other' peoples lives are. Also I'm aware the people I know would rather die than actually admit in public what nonsense their husbands put them through. They would much rather promote the facebook type life which I feel many people do

Normal but not desirable.

Those posters aren't saying that doing nice thoughtful things proactively is foolish or a failing.

They're saying that if you're the kind of person who needs a particular level of care (whatever level that may be) then it's healthier to be with someone who naturally meets that level.

So asking yourself first (when establishing a relationship) "are they meeting my emotional needs?" before you ask "how can I meet their emotional needs?"

@MarshaMelrose

It's the 'try' bit posters were trying to get across with you.

I do nice things for my partner because I love him, like you.

I don't have to 'try' to do this, I do it naturally and the kind of things I do he appreciates and meet his emotional needs - and vice versa.

The poster was (I think) saying that if someone has to do things that feel like 'trying' as in going against their instincts in some way, they probably aren't a great match.

This is a good post. Well worth giving a bit of thought to.

You called me thoughtless. I disagree. I am happy to meet other people’s needs if I feel they are meeting mine. I like my relationships and friendships to be equal in terms of the amount of effort the other person puts in. I don’t suppress or ignore my own needs in order to tend to someone else’s, or remain in situations where I feel I’m making all the effort. Thinking of yourself first doesn’t mean neglecting other people. To use a cliche, put your own oxygen mask on first before helping anyone.

I think it's rare to find a man who really thinks like a woman. However most men are decent and just need to ask to do things. I would get so upset with my DH as he seemed never to think of things like this, and he simply said, all you have to do is ask and I will look after kids/hoover the carpet/wash up/etc. Fair enough, he's not a mind reader. I think the thing is with women, they want men to offer without being asked because it feels like you're imposing on their time, even though you're not.