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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Well you were all right...he hasn't changed.

78 replies

zizzis · 17/07/2022 12:27

Name changed many many times. Mumsnet admin must think I'm an absolute idiot.

Left H last year, he was emotionally abusive. He went to therapy, I've been living with my mum ever since. I've not gone back which I'm thankful for.

So he managed to convince me he had changed, he seemed to have and we were seeing each other again, just not living together.

He has become extremely paranoid since I left him and last night he showed it again. My mum wasn't at home and it makes him uncomfortable - in his head, I'm going to have some random man round. I have dcs with me!

I would never ever do anything to hurt him. I never have done. When I left him, he slept with at least one other woman and messaged god knows how many. I did absolutely nothing.

This morning, he said I had said a couple of things that made him think things. I told him I couldn't carry on like this. I asked him what he was going to be like if I ever went out with friends on a night out (which I hardly ever do). He said he would be suspicious as I never go out and he would think things.

How can I live like this? Obviously I can't. And I won't. I've had my own therapy and I can see everything so much clearer. He gaslights everything.

I feel like such an idiot for believing the changes. In fact there really has been some positive changes but what can I do if he has these thoughts? I would never ever hurt him. Ever.

OP posts:

layladomino · 17/07/2022 12:41

See this as a gift. You were willing to believe he could change. He has proved to you that he hasn't changed. Be thankful you've realised before you moved back in / had children (if you don't already have children).

If he could have changed, he would have done it now, while he's at risk of losing you forever. But even now, when he's meant to be showing you he can be different, when the future of your relationship rests on it, he is still controlling and suspicision.

He's done you a favour - you now know you can walk away from him knowing that it would never have worked, that there was no hope. Please don't go back to a man who doesn't trust you, who sees you as his property, who doesn't respect you and treat you as his equal.

Fabswingers · 17/07/2022 12:42

You’d never hurt him…..not really about him though is it, you’re you so that’s who it shoukd be about and not being able to go out with friends or do things without getting the 3rd degree for the rest of your life should be considered a too high of a price to pay…..because basically that hurts you doesn’t it….and that’s who it should be about.

The women on here are never selfish enough in my opinion.

Unanananana · 17/07/2022 12:44

Women are not rehabs for men.

You got out. Make sure you stay out.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 17/07/2022 12:49

That's him on his best behaviour trying to win you back.

He doesn't think much of your intellect does he?

At least you know now. This is who he is. He cannot and will not change.

BMW6 · 17/07/2022 13:03

Blokes who cheat very often are the worst for thinking their partner will cheat. Because they do it they assume she will.

I would bet my house he's cheated on you many times.

Kick him to the kerb and get yourself a better life.

NightsinBlueSatin · 17/07/2022 13:13

You're wasting your time and giving so much emotional energy to someone you'll never appease. Start the divorce, get yourself away from him.

Imogensmumma · 17/07/2022 13:31

It sounds like you have done so well to recover from your separation OP! Be proud of yourself.

Don’t let him drag you back down the rabbit hole.

only message about the kids from now on and you can be content you honestly gave it a shot

Sweaty84 · 17/07/2022 13:38

It's OK. Don't worry. You now have the absolute clarity you needed - and you done it before.

It is absolutely not normal, not acceptable, and not your problem that your DH is this paranoid. He thinks of you as his property, as something he should be able to control, and therefore doesn't think you have a right to your own life.

You got out before. You can do it again.

Lindisfarne1 · 17/07/2022 13:45

Controlling you are better off without him

Mally100 · 17/07/2022 13:53

Unanananana · 17/07/2022 12:44

Women are not rehabs for men.

You got out. Make sure you stay out.

This. And take some responsibility and accountability for your choices. You can't blame him for treating you this way when you keep entertaining him back into your life.

Fluffycloudland77 · 17/07/2022 14:17

Men don’t change. They just get fatter and better at hiding their deception.

Pinkbonbon · 17/07/2022 14:23

Unanananana · 17/07/2022 12:44

Women are not rehabs for men.

You got out. Make sure you stay out.

100 percent this.

He has told you himself he will never change.
So have done with it now.

Tell him it's over and mean it.
End all contact with him apart from anything relevant about the kids. Don't reply to anything else.

Time to move on and stop flogging a dead horse.
And a controlling, cheating, manipulative one at that.

pointythings · 17/07/2022 14:37

So now you know that you gave it everything and that he hasn't changed. Make the break permanent, live your life without him.

Geogaddi · 17/07/2022 14:40

The problem here that you would "never hurt him" and he probably knows that and uses it against you to get whatever he wants from you. To be able to remove yourself from this man you are going to have to deal with him playing the "hurt game" a lot. I hope that makes sense, good luck, and don't hang about, he sounds like a knob

CousinKrispy · 17/07/2022 14:47

Don't worry OP. It's normal for it to take multiple tries to get out of an abusive or toxic relationship. This is part of the process and try not to be too hard on yourself about it.

Have you got any IRL support from friends or family?

Bluetrews25 · 17/07/2022 14:50

It's not that you would never hurt him, it's that you are not the kind of person who would cheat. He, sadly is.
Men like this accuse you of what they have been doing. Seen it on here many times, sadly.
Step back again, OP.

Original poster

zizzis · 17/07/2022 15:17

There's so much to the story. To our whole marriage. He's a gambling addict - though not gambled since January.
My mental health went down hill and I told him about it and was shouted at which is why I left. I was in a bad bad place and he told me it had annoyed him. He lost his dad to suicide and used that as the reason to shout at me.

He shouted at me just before I gave birth. Just after I gave birth (coming up to 4 years ago). So many more examples. Promised me every day he would stop gambling but never did. Loves to talk about himself but not really interested in my life.

I left and he had a breakdown. Used that as an excuse for accusing me of messaging other men, contacting my friends to ask them what I was doing when he was the one messaging other women and sleeping with at least one. He changed his social media picture to him and the woman he slept with for all my friends and family to see - we were separated at this point so he didn't cheat but he did take her away for a weekend using the joint bank account so I could see everything.

He then started to just be so mean to me, sending me threats saying he was going to rub it in my face how happy he was with ow. She also sent me messages.

Sorry I'm just projecting here. Why the hell did I let him back in?

He then started to change and I really felt the change. I really did. He was saying all the things I wanted to hear. He was so kind and considerate but the thing that struck me most was that everyone else started to notice it. Not just me. He stopped gambling, he chaired on with therapy, he went to the gp for help, he dealt with his past trauma.

I really thought I could get over the past. But slowly, on my terms and he was happy with that. I was getting flowers every week, weekends away - I understand that doesn't mean he's changed but the whole way he was was different. I didn't feel like I had to walk on eggshells around him. He was just lovely.

But really all I've done is lower the bar and let him walk all over me

OP posts:

Badger1970 · 17/07/2022 15:19

Only you can raise that bar back up.

You've had a golden gift of a warning. Take it, and run with it.

Life is so much better when you're not weighted down with dead wood.

Twattergy · 17/07/2022 15:22

It's not your job to save him.
He can't give you what you need and deserve.
Do yourselves both a favour and draw a final line under it.

Original poster

zizzis · 17/07/2022 15:27

I've had so much therapy, worked with woman's aid for a few months and also with a womens charity to work on my self esteem - I hope I will find it easier to let him go this time.

I can't help but love him but only the lovely side of him.

OP posts:

slowquickstep · 17/07/2022 15:36

He has shown you exactly who he is many times so now it is time to end this poor excuse for a relationship. No more chats, no more visits. Arrangements for children through text. You need to divorce him and stop giving him access to you.

Original poster

zizzis · 17/07/2022 15:40

slowquickstep · 17/07/2022 15:36

I know, it's just been so hard when there was this apparent change that everyone else also saw. People telling me how different he seemed. I felt I owed my marriage that one last chance.

He has shown me exactly who he is this weekend just because he isn't comfortable with me sleeping at my mums house on my own because she's not here, thinking that I might a man over. It's ridiculous!

Yet I've lost everything- I've lost my home. I've left pretty much everything. I'm just thankful I didn't go back. I hope it will be easier to get over this time. I've done it once before.

OP posts:

Original poster

zizzis · 17/07/2022 15:44

Oh he's also started tracking my whereabouts on his phone. We shared our locations the other week due to me needing to come to the job he was on.

He made a joke on Friday at how he had been tracking me and also did it yesterday joking he was always going to be checking on me. I laughed it off but no doubt it's serious....and completely not normal?

OP posts:

Original poster

zizzis · 17/07/2022 15:48

CousinKrispy · 17/07/2022 14:47

Don't worry OP. It's normal for it to take multiple tries to get out of an abusive or toxic relationship. This is part of the process and try not to be too hard on yourself about it.

Have you got any IRL support from friends or family?

Yes I've been living with my mum for 9 months now. It's a squish but she's there for me. She's just disappointed in him as she also believed the change.

OP posts:

SuperSange · 17/07/2022 15:48

Did you give him permission to track you? I know you can share your location but you know you can turn it off, right?

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