Well you were all right...he hasn't changed.

[zizzis]

Name changed many many times. Mumsnet admin must think I'm an absolute idiot.

Left H last year, he was emotionally abusive. He went to therapy, I've been living with my mum ever since. I've not gone back which I'm thankful for.

So he managed to convince me he had changed, he seemed to have and we were seeing each other again, just not living together.

He has become extremely paranoid since I left him and last night he showed it again. My mum wasn't at home and it makes him uncomfortable - in his head, I'm going to have some random man round. I have dcs with me!

I would never ever do anything to hurt him. I never have done. When I left him, he slept with at least one other woman and messaged god knows how many. I did absolutely nothing.

This morning, he said I had said a couple of things that made him think things. I told him I couldn't carry on like this. I asked him what he was going to be like if I ever went out with friends on a night out (which I hardly ever do). He said he would be suspicious as I never go out and he would think things.

How can I live like this? Obviously I can't. And I won't. I've had my own therapy and I can see everything so much clearer. He gaslights everything.

I feel like such an idiot for believing the changes. In fact there really has been some positive changes but what can I do if he has these thoughts? I would never ever hurt him. Ever.

Yeah I've turned it off. It was something we always did before. He never snooped on me before I left and I never did him, we just had it incase of emergency. As well as the dcs too on their phones. It wasn't out of the ordinary for us to share location again as it's what we always did

You really need to stay away and stop any access he has to you. This is chilling, and he sounds like a twat on top of this behaviour. Decide that you want better for yourself.

“I felt I owed my marriage one last chance”

Well he has had it now, you know he hasn’t changed and let’s face it, he never will.

You need to bring it to an end now.

The fact that you are still talking about the fact that you would 'never hurt him' and wondering about how you could ever stop him from having these thoughts is worrying. You owe him nothing.

No you cannot stop him from 'thinking things'. And why do you still care if you hurt him? He clearly doesn't give the tiniest shit about hurting you! Allowing your abusive sort-of-ex to track you is absolutely crazy. How can you need to ask if it's normal? You need to get this man properly out of your life.

You don't live together
End the relationship
You need your freedom

In contrast he has been doing exactly what he wants!

Oh sorry - I do know it's not normal. Believe me. The constant tracking anyway! Like I said, ive been in therapy since I left, I've done so many things for myself. My head is much stronger than it ever has been. I know I cannot continue to live my life like this. I know I don't deserve this and I'm worth so much more.

For the first time, I'm not actually sat here sobbing my heart out. I'm just ok. I think if anything, I'm worried about any future pain I might feel. I feel ok now but I'm dreading what he might hit me with next. That's where my worry is

DO NOT FALL FOR HIM BEING NICE TO YOU. That is PART of the cycle of abuse.

Abusers are not abusive all the time or no one would stay, it’s a cycle of - tension building - explosion - honeymoon period. Don’t stay with this man. He will never change. Could YOU suddenly charge your personality as an adult OP? Of course not. This is who he is.

www.revelstokemountaineer.com/are-you-experiencing-the-cycle-of-abuse/

Honestly, you’ve done all you can to help him. You gave him many chances.
He’s not going to change. Walk away and ignore pleading, threats of breakdowns etc… it’s all manipulation.

Maybe you should make him dread what you might hit him with next. Like, a restraining order.

The guy is batshit op. Get tough. On him and on you. Because his lot take kindnesses and compromises as weakness. You need to cut him off as much as possible. If he doesn't take no for an answer and harasses you in any way, call the police.

Thank you all. I do know I have to take responsibility for this, it could of been over long ago but then I would of always wondered 'what if' regarding these changes he was making.

And while there really has been some positive changes, it doesn't fundamentally change his issues. I can see that not even therapy will do that now.

I'm just scared of any hurt that's about to come my way.

Thank you for this, I've just had a read through. All makes sense.

One thing I really struggle with is actually admitting he is abusive and I have been in an abusive marriage. Reading this stuff reminds me that I am but half the time I find myself questioning 'was it really that bad?' to be classed as domestic abuse.

He's never been violent, no name calling etc. But then I think that's because I never let him get that far.

OP, I understand. I managed to convince myself I was exaggerating too.
My Ex also promised to change...he said that 'nearly everything' I wanted was okay. All I was asking for was my own email/social media without him having access, and the chance to go away to a History Festival on my own for a few days! Way out of order apparently. I couldn't be trusted even though I had always been faithful and am quite a nice person! (and a grown up!)
He said he was very insecure because of his ex cheating on him, stress at work...etc etc. There was always a reason and everything was always my fault because I didn't reassure him enough.
When we separated he was straight into bed with other women...put on social media that he had just had the best snog in 20 years. However he made it very clear that if I even looked at another man he would freak out.
Yes, there will be pain and guilt and doubt, but you will get through it and have probably already done some of the hardest bits. He will continue manipulating and tantruming for a while. And it will lessen and you will be okay. My advice is to stay kind, be polite and keep your distance. You do not have to answer messages straight away, or engage in conversation. A very brief and polite answer where needed is fine. You have a child so there will need to be some sort of relationship.
If you want, you might even, at some point have another relationship and realise just how messed up your last one was. Or you may be very happy being able to live an independent life pleasing yourself and being a great role model for your child.
Good luck. You sound switched on and I'm sure you've got this.

Every hour and every day you spend with him is a wasted hour/ day of your life. When you could be doing something else. Anything else would be better.

There are about 30 million men in the UK. You’re not stuck in a desert island or prison with him. Except in your head. You could be independent and free.

You are so nice OP and he has traded on that. You deserve better and you can have a better life without him now knowing he won't change.
If you keep giving him chances he will take them and drain the life out of you.
You need to get tough now. I hope you do.

Even Hitler was nice sometimes. I'm being flippant obviously, but that's the essence of abusers - they can be lovely when they choose to be. And that's how they sucker women in (speaking as someone who's been on the end of it herself). Then slowly, slowly the mask begins to slip but by then you're all in and it's too hard to get back out, for multiple reasons. You've done the hard bit and you should be so bloody proud of yourself.

And the best part of all is that you can never doubt it now. You can't say you didn't give him a second chance. You did, and while supposedly on his best behaviour, the mask has already started to slip. You can move on feeling totally and utterly vindicated that you're doing the right thing. (Obviously you didn't need to give him a second chance to do this, but it eradicates any doubt that you might have felt - as many women do).

View this as a huge blessing in disguise, it's all that you needed to get closure and move on without him with complete peace of mind.

You've done so much work and you can see this horrible bloke for exactly what he is.
I think you're going to go from strength to strength without him.

Thank you so much. It doesn't seem as painful this time round....yet anyway. I really understand why it takes so many times to actually leave for good in abusive relationships.

Yes this is exactly it. I'm so glad you understand this because half the time I had this awful feeling about myself. Going back to someone who had abused me so much, kicking myself for doing it yet knowing that I had to try.

If I didn't try then I would of always been left with 'what if the change is real?' What if he becomes this new man with the man I always wanted?'

I can walk away now knowing the change wasn't real and despite wasting a few months - I will hopefully heal faster?

He deleted all his social media when we decided to try again. Deep down I know it's because he's messaged that many women during our time apart (and possibly slept with) that he had no choice but to delete him self of everything so they couldn't find him.

But I kept getting completely random people on my 'people you may know' on Facebook. People without a profile picture, no friends, just a completely blank profile. Now I think they were his profiles and he was just stalking me. I'll see if they pop up again.

I'm so sorry you've been there too. It's nice to talk to those who are out the other side. I've been delaying it but I have to get there

Not saying he isn't paranoid (probably because he cleared all the time himself) but that lundy Bancroft guy who worked with abusers Finland that when he asked them if they actually believed their partner was cheating, they said no. That Basically it's all just an act to keep get so focused on proving her own innoxence/loyalty/devotion that she is too busy to see that HE is a fucking shit. Really insidious when you think of it like that isn't it. That they know what they are doing.

When you mentioned a few posts back about asking him what he would do if... ...and he said he'd not trust you and think you were cheating. That's what I thought back to op. I think its possible that he doesn't even think you wpuld cheat, he just wants you to think he thinks that. So that you'll spend your life hidden away, never talking to anyone but him, tiptoeing round him. Constantly looking unwards for the problem. One big trick. A trap.

*found that, not Finland lol

Fs, cheated not cleared all the time

Also, grand gestures like deleting social media don't mean anything. People show you who they really are and if they've changed over time. This guy hasn't, and really isnt capable of it. Abusers for the most part cannot change (even Bancroft found this). They are not wired like us. They are lions and we are lambs and the best thing you can do is run. Run fast and run far.

I can walk away now knowing the change wasn't real and despite wasting a few months - I will hopefully heal faster?

Please just do this. You now know you gave him every chance and he just can't change. You will be so much happier with him out of your life.

So in a conversation we've had this afternoon....

He's basically saying that my reaction to his 'thoughts' is the reason we cannot go on anymore. The fact that he has feelings and every time he mentions something that I've said to cause his paranoia - my reaction to that is why he cannot continue. Because he has feelings too and can't cope.

How else am I supposed to react? Say 'oh it's ok that you're thinking I've got some random man round for the night, don't worry'

I obviously go defensive but surely I'm entitled too?

This is gaslighting isn't it?