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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to get over this? Blindsided

91 replies

Ydr · 16/07/2022 07:35

My DP of 2.5 years, 2 months into pregnancy, stopped talking to me one day after a row. Quite literally just stopped. I called round to talk and he’d changed the locks and wouldn’t let me in. I called, text, emailed, no response. Hasn’t blocked me but doesn’t seem like he ever read WhatsApp messages. Spoke to a mutual friend, they said he’s not seeing anyone and keeps himself to himself, just says things are fine when asked and won’t go into any detail. It’s been months and I can’t deal with lack of closure. I’ve had therapy for it, don’t sleep well etc. One minute I’m heartbroken then next I’m amazed at how anyone can be so immature and cruel. Will this become less painful in time? It’s been 3 months now.

OP posts:
LividLaVidaLoca · 16/07/2022 07:39

I’m sorry.

Someone who could be so cruel isn’t the person you want to spend your life with. It’s just a shame you didn’t find out sooner.

The best revenge is to live your best life. It will always hurt but it will get easier over time.

fedup078 · 16/07/2022 07:39

Oh my Lord this is bloody awful
Something similar happened to me only we weren't living together and I wasn't pregnant so I can only imagine how you feel
Are you able to speak to any of his family ?

fedup078 · 16/07/2022 07:40

I don't mean to in order to get back with him but for some closure and to discuss the baby.

Original poster
Ydr · 16/07/2022 07:45

@LividLaVidaLoca @fedup078 I just want to know why? You know, why he didn’t want to talk? I didn’t do anything horrific like cheat on him, it was just a recurring row, but even if I’d cheated surely you have a conversation? After so long together and when someone is pregnant?

Mutual friend thought he’d come round but he hasn’t. I’ve not heard anything. Updated hun intermittently on scans etc and told him gender but nothing back at all. We were really happy generally.

I made contact with his family early on and heard nothing back. I’d only met them twice though as part of our relationship was during covid and they live 6 hours away.

OP posts:
LividLaVidaLoca · 16/07/2022 07:47

Is he having some sort of mh crisis or is he just a massive sulky knob?

Either way, you need to stop giving him headspace and focus on your baby.

fedup078 · 16/07/2022 07:49

So were you living together or did you just have a key ?

WaveyHair · 16/07/2022 07:55

It will get better with time, especially once you move on.

Just accept that the relationship is now broken beyond repair, cease contact, and plan for the future without him. You do not need someone like this as a father figure for your child. He may come crawling back once the contact is ceased and you are not giving him your attention.

Sorry this has happened to you & suspect there is more to this than the tow. Possibly cold feet about the baby. Flowers

Original poster
Ydr · 16/07/2022 07:56

@LividLaVidaLoca no idea, he’s not said a word. He had a disciplinary at work a few weeks before we broke up and he was in meltdown mode about that and did comment that he needed to fix things at work a few times…but I supported him and talked it over. That’s the only thing I can think of.

@fedup078 yeah we lived at his but I still had my own place I hadn’t got round to renting out. He left two large boxes of my stuff outside the day I came over. Literally said nothing from the day we argued to today.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ydr · 16/07/2022 07:59

WaveyHair · 16/07/2022 07:55

It will get better with time, especially once you move on.

Just accept that the relationship is now broken beyond repair, cease contact, and plan for the future without him. You do not need someone like this as a father figure for your child. He may come crawling back once the contact is ceased and you are not giving him your attention.

Sorry this has happened to you & suspect there is more to this than the tow. Possibly cold feet about the baby. Flowers

@WaveyHair do you think it could be that? He said he always wanted to be a dad :( I don’t know how after three and a half months he could still be silent. Last time I was in touch was about gender a few weeks ago now. I have times where I worry if I don’t update him then he will completely forget. I hate him/worried for him/still love him all at the same time. It’s such an I horrific feeling to cope with.

OP posts:
fedup078 · 16/07/2022 07:59

Ok I was going to ask what happened with your stuff
I hope you have a good support network in real life

birdsinthegarden · 16/07/2022 08:05

As hard as it is, please stop contacting him. His actions (ghosting you like this) are beyond cowardly. A person with any real character would have at least had the decency to break up with you in person, but nope, he took the coward's way out.

You definitely do not want or need him in your life! The best thing you can do now is keep up with your counselling as this will help you to resolve the 'why' questions and then focus on your baby. There is so much to look forward to, a brand new start with a new wee one. You CAN do this. But first step is to completely cut him out of your life just as he has done to you.

P.s that means you don't even inform him when the baby is born!

SpindleInTheWind · 16/07/2022 08:08

What was the nature of the disciplinary at work? Has it got anything to do with any pressure he was feeling about you becoming pregnant, perhaps (in his own head)?

On the practical front, is he still at that job? You’re going to need to know in four months when the baby arrives in order to claim child support from the CMS. He has to meet reality at some point.

Original poster
Ydr · 16/07/2022 08:10

birdsinthegarden · 16/07/2022 08:05

As hard as it is, please stop contacting him. His actions (ghosting you like this) are beyond cowardly. A person with any real character would have at least had the decency to break up with you in person, but nope, he took the coward's way out.

You definitely do not want or need him in your life! The best thing you can do now is keep up with your counselling as this will help you to resolve the 'why' questions and then focus on your baby. There is so much to look forward to, a brand new start with a new wee one. You CAN do this. But first step is to completely cut him out of your life just as he has done to you.

P.s that means you don't even inform him when the baby is born!

@birdsinthegarden thanks I was totally blindsided by it. His silence has always made me wonder what I did that was so awful… and of course I can go over things again and again and pinpoint things that were said in the heat of the moment or texts that were sent that weren’t very nice. And so on. But then he was pretty shit to me too so there was fault on both sides for sure.

Ive only wanted to talk to be able to be nice to each other and if a line is drawn in the relationship then so be it. But why the silence? The pain is still unbearable sometimes when I think about how close we were and how intimate. I can’t understand anyone who is expecting a baby not to even want to be civil? I stopped reaching out a few weeks ago but just updated him on gender. I don’t know about not telling him about the birth, won’t that mean he might feel he can’t even have a relationship with the baby? I wouldn’t want to stand in the way of that. It’s all so stressful and horrible.

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 16/07/2022 08:11

It sounds like some sort of strange power play. Personally I think I would stop updating. I would send him a final message stating you won’t contact him again about the baby or anything else unless he initiates it by contacting you first. Then, hard as it is going to be, I would try and move on without letting him dominate your thoughts or actions. He has shown his true colours, it won’t be anything you did that is making him act like that, it will be him. He is the one who will miss out on his child, your focus now should be building a fulfilling life for you and the baby and I don’t think you have any responsibility to try and keep him a part of it by getting in touch with him.

DoingJustFine · 16/07/2022 08:11

This is confusing me. You were living together at the time of the row, but you went round to talk to him..?

Did you storm off during the argument?

Original poster
Ydr · 16/07/2022 08:13

SpindleInTheWind · 16/07/2022 08:08

What was the nature of the disciplinary at work? Has it got anything to do with any pressure he was feeling about you becoming pregnant, perhaps (in his own head)?

On the practical front, is he still at that job? You’re going to need to know in four months when the baby arrives in order to claim child support from the CMS. He has to meet reality at some point.

@SpindleInTheWind he suggested once that it was related to the pressure of being a dad yes. But from my perspective I struggle to see how because it’s something i or most people would never have done no matter what was going on in their life.

A while ago I asked him to update me on his address as he was planning on moving in august and he hasn’t done. I also emailed about maintenance and suggested we come up with an arrangement he’s comfortable with and again no response. It hurts so much. Every night I wake up and just lie in bed wondering how it came to this and how ridiculous it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ydr · 16/07/2022 08:16

DoingJustFine · 16/07/2022 08:11

This is confusing me. You were living together at the time of the row, but you went round to talk to him..?

Did you storm off during the argument?

@DoingJustFine no I was away at the time with work. So he had a day or so to change locks etc unbeknown to me. I had tried to call while away and he ignored me. I text and he ignored me. So when I left the work things early to talk (planned to go back to it the following day) there were boxes outside and he had changed the locks and refused to talk. It was understandable why he was upset/annoyed etc but equally I had reason to be too. It was a row. We were both upset. The fact he hasn’t spoken ever about it and for so long when I’ve been pregnant has just been incredibly hard for me to deal with. I feel like it means it’s all my fault as I can’t understand it at all. I’d never ever have done that to him, I’d always have had a conversation

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MolkosTeenageAngst · 16/07/2022 08:17

You don’t need to let him know when the baby is born. Presumably he knows your due date and so if he wants to know he is perfectly able to contact you for an update. As long as you are contacting him and he is choosing to ignore it he is remaining in control and holding all of the power. Take the power back and make it so that if he wants to know about his child he has to be the one reaching out.

You are not stopping him from having a relationship with his child by putting the onus to get in contact on him and honestly, if he’s not capable of being proactive enough to send a text or email asking about the pregnancy, birth or baby how is he ever going to be proactive enough to maintain a relationship with his child? Also, what if he decides to build a relationship with the baby and then two years down the line does this disappearing act to his child? How will a child cope with the feelings of rejection from being ghosted by their father? In that regard unless he can prove that he can step up by taking responsibility and initiating contact with the baby he doesn’t deserve to be part of their life.

Besides, he will find out that the baby is born when CMS contact him about paying maintenance. You don’t need to contact him, he can use that as the prompt to get in touch if he has any interest.

Original poster
Ydr · 16/07/2022 08:19

MolkosTeenageAngst · 16/07/2022 08:11

It sounds like some sort of strange power play. Personally I think I would stop updating. I would send him a final message stating you won’t contact him again about the baby or anything else unless he initiates it by contacting you first. Then, hard as it is going to be, I would try and move on without letting him dominate your thoughts or actions. He has shown his true colours, it won’t be anything you did that is making him act like that, it will be him. He is the one who will miss out on his child, your focus now should be building a fulfilling life for you and the baby and I don’t think you have any responsibility to try and keep him a part of it by getting in touch with him.

@MolkosTeenageAngst my worry was if I didn’t update him or at least try and stay in touch, he would totally forget about the baby and that would be doing the baby a disservice. I don’t want to shut their dad off but it’s strange to me why he wouldn’t talk like an adult. He’s not young, has no other kids. I also don’t understand why he’s let my messsges go through to WhatsApp but not read them. He’r have been better off blocking me. The whole thing feels so scary as it’s so high school drama and yet there is a baby involved. I despair.

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OrianaBanana · 16/07/2022 08:25

It sounds to me like your baby would be much better off not having a twat like that in their life. Get the CMS involved and leave him to it, much better for baby.

beastlyslumber · 16/07/2022 08:30

Stop contacting him. He has made his feelings perfectly clear and there is literally nothing he could say that would adequately explain his appalling behaviour. He's done this because he is a shithead. That's the only answer you're ever going to get.

You're going to be a single mum, so focus on building your support networks for when the baby is born. Don't contact this man again.

MadamOracle · 16/07/2022 08:35

If he’s such a shit that he’d ‘forget’ about his own child if you don’t send periodic updates then he’s not really worth much in the dad stakes is he?

I agree you should stop keeping him informed. Put the onus on him to do the running.

Original poster
Ydr · 16/07/2022 08:44

I’ve spent the last few months sorting things out as I’ve had no choice. It’s just a horrific way for him to have dealt with it all. After so long you’d think he could manage a ten minute phone call.

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redfairy · 16/07/2022 08:46

I don't think you need to hear it from the horse's mouth that this guy is not interested in maintaining a relationship with you or baby. If he had been planning on moving and had been facing a disciplinary at work this may also mean no financial support as you may not know employer or address details for maintenance purposes. Build your life for you and baby without him. He knows how to get in touch if that is what he wants.
He's a dickhead and a deadbeat.

Original poster
Ydr · 16/07/2022 08:47

@redfairy the silent treatment has automatically made me feel it’s all my fault I think. Which is part of needing that closure. The guy is utterly obsessed with work and won’t be out of work. Though clearly I won’t necessarily know where that is or where he is living given his silence

OP posts: