How to get over this? Blindsided

[Ydr]

My DP of 2.5 years, 2 months into pregnancy, stopped talking to me one day after a row. Quite literally just stopped. I called round to talk and he’d changed the locks and wouldn’t let me in. I called, text, emailed, no response. Hasn’t blocked me but doesn’t seem like he ever read WhatsApp messages. Spoke to a mutual friend, they said he’s not seeing anyone and keeps himself to himself, just says things are fine when asked and won’t go into any detail. It’s been months and I can’t deal with lack of closure. I’ve had therapy for it, don’t sleep well etc. One minute I’m heartbroken then next I’m amazed at how anyone can be so immature and cruel. Will this become less painful in time? It’s been 3 months now.

If this is the Dr and the argument was about moving to your family when he needed to qualify fully and so doesn't really have an open choice you need to let go.
Apologies if it isn't you!

@Boomboom22 no he works for a huge company but location wasn’t the issue, it was about moving generally to somewhere new. All became very stressful, unnecessarily in hindsight.

I’m going to be quite harsh with you.

You seem overly concerned with what he thinks of you, if this was your fault, what you should or shouldn’t have done.

At this point any future contact from you is just embarrassing. He had quite literally dumped you in the cruelest, cuntiest way he could, why do you give a fuck what he thinks about you? He’s ghosted a PREGNANT woman he was in a relationship with for 2.5 years.

Do NOT message him again.
Do NOT “update” him about the baby, he doesn’t care and doesn’t want to know
Go to the CSA the second you are home from the hospital

Do you really believe he’s going to forget he has a baby on the way? Believe me, he knows, he’s made it quite clear he isn’t interested.

Please do yourself a favour.

Unless you’re married you can’t put him on the birth certificate without him attending which it doesn’t sound like he will. But you can still apply for child maintenance even if he is not named on the birth certificate and that money is for your child so for their sakes it is worth pursuing that. Beyond letting the CMS chase him I don’t think you need to feel any responsibility for trying to get him to take responsibility for your child.

Regardless of how the relationship was, what was said in the argument or how things ended you have nothing to feel guilty or responsible for in terms of his relationship with your child. It is his responsibility to facilitate that, if he doesn’t that is 100% on him and not on you. You owe it to yourself and your baby to step away from him emotionally now, to stop feeling guilty that he refuses to be a father to his child and to stop wasting your time and effort trying to get him to care. Realistically he is not going to ‘forget’ he has a child, he can choose to ignore that fact if he wants but he will know the truth and if he wants to see his baby then there are avenues he can take to do that, you’re not doing anything wrong by deciding to no longer feel responsible for trying to get him to step up and take an interest. All you can do is ensure he is paying maintenance (and if nothing else that will be a monthly reminder of his child) and focus on getting ready to bond with your baby and surround them with the people in your life who do care and will enrich your baby’s life as they do yours.

OP, this is a grown ass adult man behaving like a petulant toddler. You've done more than your fair share of running around after him. Time to stop and concentrate on yourself and the baby.

If I were you I would:

Tell all and sundry (your friends, family, his friends, family etc) what has happened to mitigate any future claims by him that you are keeping him from his child.

Back up all the emails, texts etc showing you have tried to contact him. If you wanted to be nice you could send him one last email stating that you intend to move on with your life and remove any trace of him from your child's life unless you hear from him within 24 hours. Make sure read receipts are on though.

Block him on EVERYTHING.

Honestly, you don't want him in your child's life. That's just going to be constant ghosting and heartbreak for your child. If he can walk out on you with no warning when you are pregnant over a petty row, what's he going to do when his pre-teen screams they hate him?

I agree with this 100%

You are not going to win his interest or concern by pressing him and constantly attempting contact.

You need to get some therapy, work on your self esteem. I have been in the same situation and I honestly thought that it was the rejection of the baby that hurt me more than anything. But it wasn't. I had chronic low self esteem and I hadn't even realised it. It HURT. But I got through it. You deserve more and I don't know why you would want to allow him back in only to abandon your kids again once born. Much better to cut contract totally and actually move on. Fresh start and ask that. Be proactive with your life? Move house? Just don't sit there waiting for him to turn up and show an interest as you will likely be waiting for a long time.

OP you can't put him on the birth certificate if you're not married and he's not present when you register the birth. That is a legal fact.

Wether or not you should tell him about the birth and invite him to the registration is another thing.

CMS is a no-brainer. Claim ON YOUR CHILD'S BEHALF as soon as you can after the birth.

@Byronalso thanks. If it wasn’t for the baby I would be stronger. I’m just in shock, still, that he’s done that. Not even a civil conversation, nothing about finance, contact etc. I know there’s no relationship and genuinely don’t want someone like him but to not be civil? It seems so trashy. So awful and unnecessary. It’s maybe easier to blame myself as then I have the idea I can ‘fix’ things and also it explains his behaviour more easily.

You are being far too nice to this man. Even if you had been horrible and he found it unforgivable then he could just text you to explain.

He wants you to feel bad. He wants you to feel in the wrong. He loves it when you write to him because he knows you are suffering. Stop writing!

I wouldn't take this man back under any circumstances. It wouldn't surprise me if he did make contact when he felt you had suffered enough. He clearly isn't capable of having a good relationship for a long time. Don't fall for any advance he makes.

Just go through the legal channels and make sure he pays child support. Don't even think of him sharing custody or anything like that.

@devonianBiatch thanks that’s really interesting, perhaps it’s not as much about the baby as I am thinking and it’s more about the hurt I am trying to avoid myself. When I think about it it hurts a LOT. How could anyone want to put me through this when pregnant? It is hard to take. Maybe I’m lying to myself that this is mostly about the baby when actually my self esteem is on the floor after this

I am in the process of moving house closer to family. They’re not massively supportive emotionally but practically they have offered to cook, clean, etc while I look after the baby. I know there are some good things I just can’t move past the silent treatment. It’s made my mind panic so much over the last few months, I’m exhausted.

@devonianBiatch how long did it take you to move forward? If you don’t mind me asking. Are you happy now?

Do not contact him again. Get the CSA to sort out maintenance.

Any contact that may happen about the baby, if he contacts you, is to be in writing.

I know its painful but you need to use all your energy on you and the baby.

This man is cruel.

Anybody saying this is a "mental health crisis" is excusing awful behaviour. It isn't a mental health crisis, he's evidently just another of life's sociopathic arses who can tell you they love you in one breath and then cut you off completely in the next. There's no understanding these people because they lack a major aspect of what makes us human. They are to be pitied. Closure comes only when you accept that there is no closure. Don't put him on the birth certificate - you won't be able to do it without him anyway, but don't be surprised if he pretends to have a sudden "change of heart" when the baby is born just to get himself on there for a bit of control.

@DaisyStPatience he’s not really a controlling sort of man though, if anything he’s completely self involved to the extent where he cant seem to cope with anything outside his immediate self concerns. I can’t see him ever wanting to see the baby to be honest. It makes me feel sick after how much he claimed to want to be a dad ‘more than anything .’ Just apparently not to this baby.

I’ve been where you are . My child is now late twenties and the man is still not interested ! And he did the same to his next family also the poor kids were devastated

being a single mum is cool ! So empowering !! Be proud of yourself , your strength will grow like a tower inside of you and no one will be able to dull your achievements! You’re going to be the best mum to your child and no one can take that away from you !!
I would take back control now of your life and protect your child from such an immature weed of a person . If he suddenly has a lobotomy and rocks up ( he won’t ) then he best be reliable and decent . Don’t be accepting any half parent measures from him. How dare he !
I do see this as the mans abortion. It’s very common
but there it is . You have all the information . The man has issues , that’s just the way he is . He can’t seem to get past whatever .
so let’s go , you and baby . It’s the two of you now and you can do it . Fuk him.
move on , be open to new mum friendships and relationships and DO NOT LOOK BACK
you got this mamma
be fierce for your child , they deserve better
all they need is you .

You say you were really happy generally and yet you texted and called him a cunt a few times and said he was an awful man. You say you were nasty at a time when he was in crisis over a disciplinary at work. In a generally happy relationship?

This would be enough for me to end it with you. Does the fact that you can’t let go of this (even with counselling) say more about your relationship and your behaviour towards him?

You say he is a reserved man, you say he was in crisis (meltdown), you have a recurring argument with him, perhaps it’s you who has broken him and he has gone no contact to protect himself?

Did you discuss having a baby with him?

Moving away sounds like a good plan. Are your family far away?

I agree with this.

What sort of person puts their own bullshit - whatever the reason is (work, cold feet, blah blah) - ahead of a pregnant partner? He has abandoned you and his unborn child. Whatever the reason/s in his head, his behaviour is atrocious and unforgivable.

I know it’s hard, but lean on the people on your life who DO live and support you, and get excited about the arrival of your baby. Edge this idiot out of your headspace and leave him to sort out his own petty life dramas while you get on with what’s important.

@dustandroses there were things he was doing day to day that completely broke me in the end. He became very distant to the person I had met. that’s not to say how I was towards him was ok, i didn’t react well. Perhaps you’re right and he’s protecting himself? Though I’m not sure how hard it would be for him to have had a conversation for ten minutes given I’m having his baby. He must think it’s justified though.

When you say did we discuss it, as in did I lie to him?! No. We talked about it, he’s 43 and I’m 38 so it wasn’t like we had much luxury of a lot of time!

Stop chasing him to try to make him be a father. Apply for maintenance when the baby is born and try to move on. He's been unspeakably cruel and he's not the man you thought he was.

He's 43!
I wonder if this isn't the first time he's done this

@fedup078 he was 43 last weekend. He has no other kids, never been married. I thought he was the right one!

You don’t deserve this when you’re pregnant. He may have wanted to end the relationship but there are better ways to do it than ignoring you. He is going to be a dad and if it was not for him then he should be honest about it and tell you so you can move on with your life.
If it was me, I would probably write him a letter explaining that you are going to raise his child alone and you are open to contact if it’s what he wants, but your baby will not be treated the way you have been. He cannot ignore and go quiet on your child as they do not deserve that. I would then have no more contact with him unless he contacts you and then I’d question if his response needs a reply.
I think it’s great that you are moving away and feels like you are creating a new start for you and your baby. I know it’s hard but sometimes we don’t get the closure we deserve. Treat the moving away as closure. You’ve left the door open if he wants any chance with his child but the door to a relationship should be firmly closed!

the silent treatment has automatically made me feel it’s all my fault I think.

Yeah, that's why people do it.

Your best response is to accept that is his response and concentrate on the things go you can control. It does your baby no good for you to be running after, even just in your thoughts, a man who can be so cruel.

Your real life support will be your world. All the very best.

She can't put him on the birth certificate if he's not present because they're not married.