How to get over this? Blindsided

[Ydr]

My DP of 2.5 years, 2 months into pregnancy, stopped talking to me one day after a row. Quite literally just stopped. I called round to talk and he’d changed the locks and wouldn’t let me in. I called, text, emailed, no response. Hasn’t blocked me but doesn’t seem like he ever read WhatsApp messages. Spoke to a mutual friend, they said he’s not seeing anyone and keeps himself to himself, just says things are fine when asked and won’t go into any detail. It’s been months and I can’t deal with lack of closure. I’ve had therapy for it, don’t sleep well etc. One minute I’m heartbroken then next I’m amazed at how anyone can be so immature and cruel. Will this become less painful in time? It’s been 3 months now.

What everyone else has said. Stop all contact, no to including him on the birth certificate, claim maintenance and definitely don't give your baby his surname. Move away and start a new life. Good luck!

This.

Its a shame for your kid that you picked this bloke to impregnate you, but too late now. Stop obsessing over him, he’s worthless, believe him. He’s been crystal clear-he doesn’t give a shit about you or your child. He can communicate with you in future via court if he feels the need to inflict himself on the kid.

I think that the fact he has cut contact in this way means that he is using the row you had (whoever was most responsible) as an excuse and it was what he wanted to do anyway. I really don't want to generalise, but never been married and childless at 43 is not a big indicator that a permanent relationship and kids were a huge priority in his life.

You can't get him back and you can't turn him in to the sort of father your baby deserves. You CAN stop analysing "who did what" and concentrate on yourself and making a good life for the baby. Don't contact him, don't attempt to engineer him being on the birth certificate, get the CMS involved ASAP. If he has a change of heart and wants to have a relationship with the baby, fine, but I would be very, very cautious given the current disappearing act.

@Ydr You need to stop thinking about him as the person you fell in love with and planned a baby together.
The reality is he kicked you out while pregnant, no conversation after 2.5 years. THIS is the person he is now.
I agree 100% with not contacting him and just putting a claim in for maintenance. No updates.

I know it's shocking, because honestly his behaviours not normal at all. But it's better you know now, rather than when the child's 3 years old, and dad's ghosted you both, that's far worse. I'm glad you're having counselling. I would personally detach from him. He's clearly not interested in you or his child. No more calls or messages. Just focus on yourself and the baby.

What was the theme of the recurring arguments? Was the pregnancy planned?

Op have you posted this multiple times before? You were abusive to him and made threats?

why do you keep name changing and posting new threads about it and giving posters less of the story each time?

You need to change how you're looking at this. He's abandoned his pregnant partner and child in a hideously cruel manner. There is absolutely nothing you did to deserve to be treated like this. I know it's hard but you need to stop worrying about him and what he's doing. Stop updating him, he doesn't deserve to know anything. Focus on your child and your own well being. Look into benefits if you haven't already, look into local support groups for single parents, lean on friends an family.

Oh wait I've just seen the update, I didn't realise you were that poster. I do hope you get the help you need as there's a por child involved in this.

What type of threats?

he sounds like he wwanted an out of the relationship and just used the argument as an excuse

just carry on like he doesnt exist and claim maintenance

You didn't do anything wrong.

There are men out there who say they are keen to become a Dad, then disappear once the deed is done.

Think of it this way - even if you had been a terrible person (and you most definitely aren't) why would he not want to provide financially for his child? What could an unborn baby possibly have done to be reject by their Father?

He is just a really awful person who has actually conned you into getting pregnant, possibly as some kind of power trip.

Oh it's not her again?!

OP, if it is, the advice is the same, with the addition that you really do need to seek more therapy/counselling. It is also quite disingenuous to post variants that miss out very important details. What do you want from these threads that you haven't already got?

I agree with this, had it been the other way round the MN collective would be telling you to run for the trees - without need to explain yourself.

It's really tough, but time to concentrate on your baby.

I separated from my bf before I even found out I was pregnant. I messaged him two weeks later and of course everybody said I was lying to trap him (ha!) and I never saw or heard a peep from him until I was 20 weeks. At that point I was in counselling and felt much better. But when I saw him his eyes nearly popped out of his head because I was indeed pregnant.

Be honest, if he had done this exactly the same way and there was no baby, you would likely feel pretty much the same. Is a shit way to end a relationship. Is much shitter to do it to the woman carrying your baby.

My therapist said I had control issues, she said the need for closure was a red herring. It to me a few months but learning to let go of things , to say " I don't know why and that's ok" it was the best lesson I ever learned. It fed into my resilience and my self esteem hugely as I wasn't feeding the troll inside me, speaking about things I likely would never know. Instead I just learned to walk away and invest my energy in healing myself and it's been brilliant.

I'm so sorry about this, but he really is a shit.

I wonder though if you're like me a bit and still thinking that there's something wrong with him that you think you can still fix? If only he'd make contact and you could fix him and then it'll be okay. Complete armchair psychology but I'm aware of my own tendencies to think they need me to come to their rescue.

I do understand your thinking regarding your child, but this might be a case where even if he did engage, he could easily do this again and damage your child. This might be better the devil you know than the devil you don't.

Do what you can to go about your business, assume now you're single and you're a solo parent and make this about you and your child now.

Honestly though, what a dick.