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Original poster

How to get over this? Blindsided

91 replies

Ydr · 16/07/2022 07:35

My DP of 2.5 years, 2 months into pregnancy, stopped talking to me one day after a row. Quite literally just stopped. I called round to talk and he’d changed the locks and wouldn’t let me in. I called, text, emailed, no response. Hasn’t blocked me but doesn’t seem like he ever read WhatsApp messages. Spoke to a mutual friend, they said he’s not seeing anyone and keeps himself to himself, just says things are fine when asked and won’t go into any detail. It’s been months and I can’t deal with lack of closure. I’ve had therapy for it, don’t sleep well etc. One minute I’m heartbroken then next I’m amazed at how anyone can be so immature and cruel. Will this become less painful in time? It’s been 3 months now.

OP posts:
Scabetty · 16/07/2022 08:51

He probably doesn’t feel he can cope with being a father, the responsibility of another person as he sounded depressed about the disciplinary. He has pulled up the drawbridge - leave him be and focus on you and the baby.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 16/07/2022 08:55

Can I ask what the row was about? I do think you need to leave him be now.

And it's not up to you to ensure he is in the baby's life. It's up to him. You can tell your child one day that you had tried and he didn't respond. You will have to stop trying for your own mental health.

Original poster
Ydr · 16/07/2022 08:57

@TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit it was just a recurring row that came up about where to live, so silly in hindsight but we were both stressed about it. Awful things were said in the heat of the moment. I can understand the relationship ending as I felt like things either needed to change or we needed to spilt, but it’s the blanket silent treatment that I can’t move past. I could never do that to someone and especially where a baby is involved

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Scabetty · 16/07/2022 08:58

I think counselling can help you gain closure and move on if it’s on your mind so much. He has a financial obligation to your child so pursue that line but you dodged a bullet with the rest.

OneFootintheRave · 16/07/2022 09:03

I think I would be tempted to find out his whereabouts /movements through this mutual friend and then doorstep him. In as calm a manner as possible. Like "here, look, your child will be born in x months and you can't deny this reality no matter what you think about me". He will likely blank you and run off I suppose.

How did the mutual friend react when you told them what had happened?

Don't blame yourself. His actions are beyond cowardice. It sounds like he was checked out/stressed about the baby and instead of speaking about it, waited for the flimsiest of excuses to do a runner.

NOTANUM · 16/07/2022 09:04

If you put his name on the birth cert and pursue maintenance, you are tied to him forever. Are you happy for your small child to stay over at his place given he won’t speak to you, changed the locks and doesn’t provide updates on where he lives?

If you don’t, he’d have to have a major change of heart and go to court to challenge it to be part of the DC’s life.

I’d much prefer the second route. Why do you want such a horrible man in your child’s life?

Pleaseletmeconfirm · 16/07/2022 09:07

He wants to be as nasty to you as he can and he wants you to suffer.

I wouldn't contact him again. He might decide to have a relationship with the baby and you will be having to deal with him for the next 18 years.

What type of things were the awful' things said in the argument?

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 16/07/2022 09:09

In that case, I also think counseling will be good for you. He seems to be a complete manchild and you might have dodged a bullet there.

Original poster
Ydr · 16/07/2022 09:09

@OneFootintheRave i did that a few months ago and he completely blanked me except to say he was going to have to call for some help 🤔 I asked if he would hear me out, he wouldn’t. Mutual friend is more just said he has form for being stubborn and it’s sad he can’t talk about things. Which it was. Everytime I think about it I feel in shock all over again.

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GreenManalishi · 16/07/2022 09:10

Stick with the counselling, this is a shit thing to have happen even when you're not pregnant but you will move through it, I promise. Looking for "closure" from him is not the one, you need to accept that he has and still is telling you very clearly with his actions what he wants, and it is not you or the baby. There's your closure. You will never get a "reason", flip it and decide that he has failed to prove he is good enough to be in your life, and you draw the line. Cease all attempts at contact, he's not all of a sudden going to be be reminded he's about to be a father and swing into action. He knows, and he doesn't care enough to offer even a basic level of respect to you. Get your support from friends and family who are worth more than this waste of space will ever be to you

Original poster
Ydr · 16/07/2022 09:11

NOTANUM · 16/07/2022 09:04

If you put his name on the birth cert and pursue maintenance, you are tied to him forever. Are you happy for your small child to stay over at his place given he won’t speak to you, changed the locks and doesn’t provide updates on where he lives?

If you don’t, he’d have to have a major change of heart and go to court to challenge it to be part of the DC’s life.

I’d much prefer the second route. Why do you want such a horrible man in your child’s life?

@NOTANUM i guess I thought he would be a decent dad. He works hard and is quite reserved generally. Not a bad man even though he’s been shit to me.

I can’t see any risk of him wanting contact with the baby, I think he wants t pretend it isn’t happening.

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Pleaseletmeconfirm · 16/07/2022 09:11

Are you only 2 months pregnant?

Original poster
Ydr · 16/07/2022 09:13

Pleaseletmeconfirm · 16/07/2022 09:07

He wants to be as nasty to you as he can and he wants you to suffer.

I wouldn't contact him again. He might decide to have a relationship with the baby and you will be having to deal with him for the next 18 years.

What type of things were the awful' things said in the argument?

@Pleaseletmeconfirm it feels like ages ago now but I remember calling him a c* a few times in text, said he was an awful person, general insults really. Not my finest moments although there was obviously a wider context with his behaviour too.

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Original poster
Ydr · 16/07/2022 09:14

@Pleaseletmeconfirm and no this all happened months and months ago now!

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OneFootintheRave · 16/07/2022 09:16

I'm so sorry. As others have said, I would make a CSA claim when the baby comes. Also, I would keep a folder somewhere with the claim paperwork and print outs of all the text messages, email and call history of you trying to make contact. These will get lost over time and you may want to to have evidence to show your kid in the future.

In terms of the pros and cons of putting his name on the birth certificate maybe you could start another thread.

Original poster
Ydr · 16/07/2022 09:16

GreenManalishi · 16/07/2022 09:10

Stick with the counselling, this is a shit thing to have happen even when you're not pregnant but you will move through it, I promise. Looking for "closure" from him is not the one, you need to accept that he has and still is telling you very clearly with his actions what he wants, and it is not you or the baby. There's your closure. You will never get a "reason", flip it and decide that he has failed to prove he is good enough to be in your life, and you draw the line. Cease all attempts at contact, he's not all of a sudden going to be be reminded he's about to be a father and swing into action. He knows, and he doesn't care enough to offer even a basic level of respect to you. Get your support from friends and family who are worth more than this waste of space will ever be to you

@GreenManalishi people have said oh if he had seen the baby etc etc… which makes me think I should try harder to get him to know the baby and give them chance to bond? Surely if I don’t try then he will feel he can’t ever be in touch? I don’t know. I can’t imagine being with him again myself as I am genuinely amazed at his behaviour. I don’t know anyone who would behave like he has. Why say he couldn’t wait to be a dad?! Clearly a lie.

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Original poster
Ydr · 16/07/2022 09:17

@OneFootintheRave i thought he had to agree to the birth certificate anyway? Which I absolutely don’t think he will have any interest in.

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RudsyFarmer · 16/07/2022 09:17

It feels to me that this was pressure on you to have an abortion without actually saying it. He’s basically removed himself entirely from you and this child. I wouldn’t put it past him to move abroad or quit his job just to avoid maintenance.

I agree that your best course of action now is either to quit contacting him at all, he doesn’t deserve to be updated quite honestly. Or write him a brief message saying you will be ceasing further updates unless he initiates. Then contact CMS when the baby is born and see if they can get any maintenance out of him. I would doubt it but you never know.

FlamesofAnor · 16/07/2022 09:20

I agree that it's time to stop reaching out. He knows you and baby exist and he chooses to bury his head in the sand. Leave him to it.

If you feel you must then send one more and final message when your son/daughter has arrived. Nothing emotional or long just a short birth announcement. Daughter/son was born on such and such date, on such and such time and weighted xxxx kg. If you are feeling really generous you can also attach one baby picture and mention her/his name. Don't engage any further especially if you get zero acknowledgement.

I would also print and save all your messages where you have tried to reach out to him and his family. In years to come your child as an adult might decide to find those relatives and ask them 'why you weren't in my life?' and they might spin a tale of how you kept him/her away from them. Those messages from WhatsApp and the lack of acknowledgement back will be your evidence. A bit far fetched but I have seen threads on here where posters said that their kid's dad was telling to everyone who would listen how they don't see the kids because the 'evil' mother won't let them.

mydogsteppedonabee · 16/07/2022 09:25

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
Regardless of what the argument was about, no one deserves this.
Logically, I'd say it sounds like a MH crisis. But you've got your own well-being to consider and that of your precious baby.
I think you nearly need to behave as though he's just not a factor in your life.
As PP have said, stop contacting him. He may have changed phones anyway. You need to draw a line and move on for your own sake.
You can get through this 💪

Whydidimarryhim · 16/07/2022 09:26

Hi OP let him go - he’s a very cruel man - he could have been looking for any reason to end it - DO NOT put him on the birth certificate. You have tried with him. I’d not want a man like that who can treat a person like he has in my life. I’m sorry - it’s awful what he has done to you. I hope you have some real life friends and support. Focus on yourself and the baby. He’s not actually wort a second thought now. IF he makes contact with you and he wants to meet up I’d take a friend. You do not need to meet him. Let him apply through the courts if he’s that keen. 🌺

Theglowofcandles · 16/07/2022 09:27

This sounds awful and I am sorry you are going through this. I don't mean to minimise it but i work in MH and this sounds like his MH is bad. However, in saying that, I think you need to decide if this is the kind of treatment you can put up with everytime his MH dips. I know I couldn't and wouldn't put up with it. It isn't fair toyou nor will it be fair to your child. I know it's tough but a life with just you and your baby (and a future partner who treats you both well) will be better than a life with you and your baby being treated this way continuously which will in turn damage yiur MH and in time your childs MH.

GreenManalishi · 16/07/2022 09:28

I think that anyone suggesting that he would suddenly have a change of heart on seeing the baby having ignored you entirely throughout the pregnancy and birth is offering you false hope. That's EastEnders stuff. He is telling you what he wants, believe him.

It's not up to you to persuade him, or give him a chance to bond, he knows where you are and what the situation is. He has turned his back on you. Don't beg for a basic level of respect from him.

I would think long and hard and take advice about naming him on the birth certificate, that's a privilege that should be earned and has long reaching effects on you and your child. For instance you wouldn't be able to take your child out of the country/change their name without his permission should he swing back in to action and decide to be awkward.

Bucklenup for a solo ride, pour your energy into you and your baby, I wish you a happy life together without this dickhead sticking his oar in intermittently and messing with your head.

Original poster
Ydr · 16/07/2022 09:31

@Theglowofcandles why do you say that if you don’t mind me asking? Just because I think he did have some issues but managed to hold down a decent job so I feel like ultimately he’s chosen that than me and the baby. In fact that’s exactly what he’s done. He was absolutely devastated with the disciplinary, ive never seen him such a mess.

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Original poster
Ydr · 16/07/2022 09:33

@Whydidimarryhim he must think I’m pretty cruel to have given me silent treatment I guess? I read back some of my messages to him around the time of the rows and they were pretty bad, nasty comments and swearing at him. Obviously there was more to it than that going on outside the messages but I wasn’t exactly an angel. It’s just the failure to even speak at all which has broken me.

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