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Original poster

To wonder if it’s right to claim maintenance?

109 replies

Gelppp · 14/07/2022 11:37

DP and I broke up in pregnancy. I had been very lax about contraception because we were happy to have a family and he said if it happened it happened…

it happened and he was shocked to being with, as was I and we talked about what to do. Decided to go ahead.

when we broke up he basically had nothing to do with the pregnancy and said I shouldn’t carry on as he wasn’t ready to be a dad and we clearly weren’t right together… by then I was 16 weeks and couldn’t face it. I was fine with him disappearing in pregnancy as to be honest he was quite a misery about supporting me much!

however, it’s now time to claim if I’m going to and I feel weird about it?! He has nothing to do with his his DC and clearly has no interest, nothing. He won’t get anything from this other than a deduction to his pay and as he is a high earner I feel weirdly uncomfortable about it. We get by ok and DC doesn’t want for anything but obviously the extra always helpful. I can’t help feeling like it would just make my life better though… get my nails done or a weekend away etc as DC has what they need. Guess it’s a bit of guilt perhaps, i don’t know what!!

what would you do?

OP posts:
SammyScrounge · 14/07/2022 18:52

Damnautocorrect · 14/07/2022 18:18

i believe they can take it directly from his employer

Show quote history

They can indeed go to his employer. Most men would not want that phone call to his boss. It shows him in a very bad light.

BertieBotts · 14/07/2022 18:54

You should claim. If you feel weird spending the money, put it away for when DC is older.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 14/07/2022 19:00

You should 100% claim and then be able to afford to do nice things if you want and save a buffer for you both.

Original poster
Gelppp · 14/07/2022 19:12

@SammyScrounge would they really go to the employer?

my concern is he sometimes changes jobs and does temporary but high earning work. How do they track that,do I have to keep starting a new claim @lonelydad2022 ? He would be unlikely to notify them of a new role if he had a few weeks unemployed

OP posts:
Iamsnoopy · 14/07/2022 19:17

workshy46 · 14/07/2022 11:41

Of course you should claim. Why would you not. He has a financial responsibility to the child. I wouldn't feel in the slightest bit guilty and save if you want but this money would make both your lives easier and better. Thats what money is for

This. But I didn’t. Partly because my ex went to a country deliberately where CMS wasn’t applicable for me to claim in the U.K. I didn’t want him rocking up and using his wealth for custody. However, put simply if he wanted to find her - he could - he could just Google me! And my job.

he has never paid a penny and never bothered us. However, as far as I know and he is now 50 + he has no other children and a substantial amount of wealth so I’m wondering how the law would stand about her inheriting all his wealth and how the international
courts would view no maintenance versus her inheriting his wealth / if it came to it

lonelydad2022 · 14/07/2022 19:18

Gelppp · 14/07/2022 19:12

@SammyScrounge would they really go to the employer?

my concern is he sometimes changes jobs and does temporary but high earning work. How do they track that,do I have to keep starting a new claim @lonelydad2022 ? He would be unlikely to notify them of a new role if he had a few weeks unemployed

No. Only once. If he changes jobs and doesn't notify them he has to keep paying or he will get arrears. They know his income almost in real time. Every year they check his P60 and take a number from there. P60 is the summary of last year's income and tax. Curr t P60 is april 2021/2022. As I said, if he works for a company there is not much he can do.

cottagegardenflower · 14/07/2022 19:26

claim and save towwards DCs education. why wouldn't you do this for your DC?

RedPlumbob · 14/07/2022 19:44

lonelydad2022 · 14/07/2022 18:44

For high earners working for a company this is very difficult to do.

Show quote history

Yep.

My ex seems happy with zero job security, and bouncing between house shares/family members when he can’t pay rent/doesn’t want to work etc. He wasn’t like that before. He is now.

But for most normal men, who work, have financial commitments, etc, they cannot duck it this way.

RedPlumbob · 14/07/2022 19:45

Gelppp · 14/07/2022 19:12

@SammyScrounge would they really go to the employer?

my concern is he sometimes changes jobs and does temporary but high earning work. How do they track that,do I have to keep starting a new claim @lonelydad2022 ? He would be unlikely to notify them of a new role if he had a few weeks unemployed

If he does this, CMS put a red flag on his details with HMRC, who will tell CMS when he moves jobs.

Sounds good, right? Only HMRC take 12 weeks to do this. And CMS a further however many weeks they want to apply for a deduction from earnings, by which point, they’ve moved to another job.

Welcome to my life.

lonelydad2022 · 14/07/2022 20:06

RedPlumbob · 14/07/2022 19:45

If he does this, CMS put a red flag on his details with HMRC, who will tell CMS when he moves jobs.

Sounds good, right? Only HMRC take 12 weeks to do this. And CMS a further however many weeks they want to apply for a deduction from earnings, by which point, they’ve moved to another job.

Welcome to my life.

Show quote history

85k jobs are not that easy to find to jump from one to the other.

MoodyTwo · 14/07/2022 20:20

So do you who don't want OP to do her nails, not get your nails done?
OP would spend the money on her DC which would give her some of her money spare
Go for it OP, and spend it how you like

ihavenocats · 14/07/2022 20:30

Well I've been in that situation. My abusive ex sent me £150 in my account when I left and I put it straight back. I did not want him anywhere near me or the baby since he was an abusive violent ass who would 100% be the type to hurt my child to get at me.

I felt that taking anything from him would only make him resentful and think 'well if I'm paying for it I'll go for contact to it' and there are some people who think this way. They're the ones who jump off rooves with their children on tow.

So I get you and I wouldn't risk it personally. I used the benefits system which I had paid into since working age, then I went back to work, now I'm married to a wonderful man after having the first couple of years of my baby's life just about me and them and getting myself to a situation I was happy in.

I never wanted and never will want anything off that individual in my life ever again.

lonelydad2022 · 14/07/2022 20:35

ihavenocats · 14/07/2022 20:30

Well I've been in that situation. My abusive ex sent me £150 in my account when I left and I put it straight back. I did not want him anywhere near me or the baby since he was an abusive violent ass who would 100% be the type to hurt my child to get at me.

I felt that taking anything from him would only make him resentful and think 'well if I'm paying for it I'll go for contact to it' and there are some people who think this way. They're the ones who jump off rooves with their children on tow.

So I get you and I wouldn't risk it personally. I used the benefits system which I had paid into since working age, then I went back to work, now I'm married to a wonderful man after having the first couple of years of my baby's life just about me and them and getting myself to a situation I was happy in.

I never wanted and never will want anything off that individual in my life ever again.

So you remove the biological father because he was abusive with you. Was he abusive to the child?

RedPlumbob · 14/07/2022 21:25

lonelydad2022 · 14/07/2022 20:35

So you remove the biological father because he was abusive with you. Was he abusive to the child?

Show quote history

Abusing the mother is being abusive to the child. The law on that is quite clear. Which is why SS tell women that unless they remove their children from abusive environments, the children will go into foster care.

And don’t derail the thread with this bullshit.

RedPlumbob · 14/07/2022 21:25

lonelydad2022 · 14/07/2022 20:06

85k jobs are not that easy to find to jump from one to the other.

Show quote history

OP has literally just said that he job hops/does temp work so obvs her ex doesn’t find an issue with it.

KangarooKenny · 14/07/2022 21:27

I’m assuming he didn’t insist on using condoms, which he should have done if he didn’t want a child, so yes claim.

MissMaple82 · 14/07/2022 21:42

But the money would be going into one pot so to speak, and that pot provides for the child if OP wants to get her nails done with the remainder of that pot then she every bloody right too! Definitely claim OP

MissMaple82 · 14/07/2022 21:44

lonelydad2022 · 14/07/2022 20:35

So you remove the biological father because he was abusive with you. Was he abusive to the child?

Show quote history

You don't really understand abuse, abusive men and its impacts, clearly!

lonelydad2022 · 14/07/2022 22:16

This reply has been deleted

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RedPlumbob · 15/07/2022 05:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

It’s considered rude on threads to hijack them with your own personal shit.

I can tell a mile off that you’re an abuser, hence the username, hence the hostility towards women on all your posts.

Trot off back to your incel forums.

Ontomatopea · 15/07/2022 05:58

It takes two to tango. Open a savings account for your child if you don't need it.

SunshineAndFizz · 15/07/2022 06:10

100% claim. No question.

It's his child too.

lonelydad2022 · 15/07/2022 06:19

RedPlumbob · 15/07/2022 05:52

It’s considered rude on threads to hijack them with your own personal shit.

I can tell a mile off that you’re an abuser, hence the username, hence the hostility towards women on all your posts.

Trot off back to your incel forums.

Show quote history

I can tell from a mile you are a man hater blaming men from your misery. Your inability to have a discussion without disqualifying tells everything.

RedPlumbob · 15/07/2022 14:55

lonelydad2022 · 15/07/2022 06:19

I can tell from a mile you are a man hater blaming men from your misery. Your inability to have a discussion without disqualifying tells everything.

Show quote history

Only, I’m not miserable. Funny that you think I’m miserable. But of course I must be, because I’m divorced.

Again, back to the incel forums so you can angry wank.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 15/07/2022 14:59

Gelppp · 14/07/2022 18:22

@lonelydad2022 thanks. I just wish we could have talked and come up with something ourselves. No doubt he will tell all and sundry I was after his money if I go down this route!

Then have a few answers ready

In your head only
He only wanted to fuck me, didn't stick around when the obvious happened.

He wanted a kid. Just ran away when it became a reality

Out loud
Of course I want his bloody money. His daughter needs feeding