To wonder if it’s right to claim maintenance?

[Gelppp]

DP and I broke up in pregnancy. I had been very lax about contraception because we were happy to have a family and he said if it happened it happened…

it happened and he was shocked to being with, as was I and we talked about what to do. Decided to go ahead.

when we broke up he basically had nothing to do with the pregnancy and said I shouldn’t carry on as he wasn’t ready to be a dad and we clearly weren’t right together… by then I was 16 weeks and couldn’t face it. I was fine with him disappearing in pregnancy as to be honest he was quite a misery about supporting me much!

however, it’s now time to claim if I’m going to and I feel weird about it?! He has nothing to do with his his DC and clearly has no interest, nothing. He won’t get anything from this other than a deduction to his pay and as he is a high earner I feel weirdly uncomfortable about it. We get by ok and DC doesn’t want for anything but obviously the extra always helpful. I can’t help feeling like it would just make my life better though… get my nails done or a weekend away etc as DC has what they need. Guess it’s a bit of guilt perhaps, i don’t know what!!

what would you do?

No. To be honest maintenance is the minimum required to pay. It equates, generally, to very little of the actual cost of raising a child. The resident parent is just expected to some how get by and make up the rest magically. If they didn’t it would be classed as neglect.

its messed up really!

anyway. If the plan is to save most of that, it will be a lovely lump sum.

i believe they can take it directly from his employer

Pay £20 to register with child maintenance service - you don't have to go through them but it will ensure every two years you get to find out what his salary is - presuming he is employed and through HMRC - best £20 I ever spent I can see his wages increase just waiting for these next update as he's had a big promotion and still things I'm greedy for getting what he thinks I deserve!! Do it!!

You don't need to provide anything apart from name. If he has a job, they will find him and they will know his income as soon as he receive it. For high earners it is difficult to work cash in hand. Open a case, it costs 20 pounds. They will arrange everything for you.

I would echo what others have said and say you absolutely should claim the money. It takes 2 to tango and he is the father. DCs get more costly the older they get!

@lonelydad2022 thanks. I just wish we could have talked and come up with something ourselves. No doubt he will tell all and sundry I was after his money if I go down this route!

But 1000 is a lot of money specially as is tax free. A lot of people in UK get a little more than that working full time at minimum wage.

This is no longer about you it is about your child.

Claim CMS from him even if you put it in savings or do your nails with it.

Depending on what he does e.g. pays up, you have to get it from his salarly, plays games to not pay up - you can look your child in the face when they start asking about their father and tell them the truth about the level of immaturity their father had.

It's not about him or you anymore. It's about your baby. He has two good earners parents, he should have a life according to that.

We are talking about 200k in 20 years. It can make a difference to your child.

Any absent father who whines about paying CMS and states his ex is after his money will be looked on as a total twat. Who gives a shit what he says to people? He has a legal and moral obligation to provide financial support at a bare minimum.

Absolutely claim it

If it's £1k a month until dc is 18 then even if that never changes that's £216k lump sum for their future! That's without interest. They could then open a LISA, put £4k in per year and get 25% on top of that from the government
Or put some into premium bonds and get the chance of a win!

You would be really, really wrong on their behalf to not claim

@RedPlumbob i guess because I spent months trying to talk to him reasonably, I feel aggrieved that he would then make me out to be unreasonable and unkind when I was the opposite - in the early days I even offered to drive over with DC so he could see them when convenient around work… a 1.5 hour round trip for me. He blanked that suggestion too!

Also, you can only claim since the day you open the case with CMS. You won't be able to get any money since the day your child was born to the day you open the cae.

@lonelydad2022 thanks. What if he ignores and it drags on for years? He is exceptionally good at silent treatment

That is without considering the interest. It is a life changing sum of money fir thr baby.

Also, the cost of living is soaring. How will you be affected? You may need a financial lift soon.
He has equal responsibility with you for creating this child and should pay towards her care.
One other thing. His paying maintenance may mean a great deal to your child who will interpret it as a sign he cares and that he didn't completely abandon her/him.

Take the money. Start a pension for your DC. If your ex just put away the maximum £300 a month for 18 years you will have started your DC off to a pension pot of over £100,000 by the time they are 18. If they do nothing else with it (ie no other contributions) and it grows at say 5% - their pension will be worth £1.2 million.

www.nerdwallet.com/banking/calculator/compound-interest-calculator

Of course it’s a lot of money, it’s more than I earn.
but in the scheme of raising kids maintenance generally barely touches the side. Yet the resident parent has to make it work, find the rest otherwise THEY are the neglectful one not the other parent

He can't. Since you open the case he owes you 35 pounds per day. If he doesn't pay, they will take it directly from his employer or his bank account and it will cost him even more. Unless he has his own company, there is not much he can do. Even with his own company, there is very little he can do except resign. You talk to CMS not to him. It's not your problem anymore. Let them do their job.

I’m 6 years past the stage you are - I was married, DD was an actively tried for baby, he fucked off when I was around 12/13 weeks.

I didn’t hesitate to claim. Him and his entire family ghosted me.

However, he’s a slippery fucker and regularly changes jobs/signs on benefits to avoid paying - I’ve had about £700 over 6.5 years.

I know exactly what he tells people about me - I’m crazy, I’m bitter, I’m controlling and won’t let him see DD… YAWN. Only the thickos swallow his bullshit and anyone who questions him, he gets very angry with them.

I assume he works for a company as you know his salary. It will take like 10 wees to setup. Remember that the money is piling up since you open the case. So if he starts paying inn3 months, he already ows 3k.

For high earners working for a company this is very difficult to do.

If you didn't have a child you could get your nails done. You have a child that is half his. So he should pay maintenance. If you get your nails done he hasn't paid for you to get your nails done you have.

The money is your child's. They are entitled to be supported by their father, with the minimum amount being the CM calculated by the CMS. You would be very wrong not to claim it on their behalf, even if you can get by without it. If put in savings, it will be a very helpful sum to help fund university/house deposit for them or other stuff later on in life.

Not that you should feel pressured to put it all in savings. If you can get by without it, it would make sense to save a decent chunk of it for your DC, but equally you should feel entitled to spend some of YOUR salary on treats and other things for yourself, with the shortfall in your DC's costs being made up by their other parent's contribution. This will also have benefits for your DC...it's not good for them to have their only real parent ground down because there's no money in the budget to pay for the occasional treat or a babysitter to care for DC while you go out or have a rest.