To wonder if it’s right to claim maintenance?

[Gelppp]

DP and I broke up in pregnancy. I had been very lax about contraception because we were happy to have a family and he said if it happened it happened…

it happened and he was shocked to being with, as was I and we talked about what to do. Decided to go ahead.

when we broke up he basically had nothing to do with the pregnancy and said I shouldn’t carry on as he wasn’t ready to be a dad and we clearly weren’t right together… by then I was 16 weeks and couldn’t face it. I was fine with him disappearing in pregnancy as to be honest he was quite a misery about supporting me much!

however, it’s now time to claim if I’m going to and I feel weird about it?! He has nothing to do with his his DC and clearly has no interest, nothing. He won’t get anything from this other than a deduction to his pay and as he is a high earner I feel weirdly uncomfortable about it. We get by ok and DC doesn’t want for anything but obviously the extra always helpful. I can’t help feeling like it would just make my life better though… get my nails done or a weekend away etc as DC has what they need. Guess it’s a bit of guilt perhaps, i don’t know what!!

what would you do?

Most definitely make a claim. He has a financial responsibility to support your DC.

I fell pregnant unexpectedly (I genuinely believed I was infertile) and the father dumped me two days after I told him I was pregnant. He had a decent job. A few months after the baby was born I lodged a claim but was notified that he'd suddenly become unemployed. What a coincidence.🙄

Of course you should claim maintenance.

However I take issue with all the comments on how you should use it. As far as I manage my paltry maintenance, it goes into the monthly pot and is used towards household expenses. If that includes buying myself something occasionally then so be it.

Of ourse he should fucking pay towards his child! He decided to help create this life, now he’s opting out of taking any responsibility and shrugging off his duty to parent HIS child. The very least he can do is pay towards feeding and homing them.

Why on earth would you think that men should have the right to plan a baby, have unprotected sex, and then walk away if they later decided it was a mistake?

So a woman should be on her knees with no luxuries for herself before a father should pay towards the cost of the child he helped create?!

His money will reduce the cost of her outgoings around the child. If that means she has more spare money to spend on herself, good for her.

I agree that OP means ‘if my DC’s father were paying CM, I would not be too broke to pay for a reasonable amount of self care’. I don’t know why people have jumped on this.

Go for it, OP.

So a woman should be on her knees with no luxuries for herself before a father should pay towards the cost of the child he helped create?!

His money will reduce the cost of her outgoings around the child. If that means she has more spare money to spend on herself, good for her.

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Is that what I said though?

No.

Of course you should expect the man who knowingly fathered your child to contribute to their costs. If you really dont need it, put the money away in a fund to help your child pay for uni or a deposit on a property one day. Your child will thank you for that. Your loyalty is to your child, not the feckless loser who abandoned them.

Sounds like a baby trap.

Yes claim.. children get more expensive.. you have no idea what life has in store.

You can spend so e save some as a safety net.

Hardly a baby trap if they discussed contraception, agreed not to use it and he said "if it happens it happens"

What a sneaky caniving woman......🙄

High earner. He wanted a child and then he didn't. Then naively asking if she should claim maintenance. It doesn't sound real. Looking for some validation. My opinion though. All things considered, OP needs to claim maintenance as it is not the child's fault he was conceived by deception.

The fact that it says 'get my nails done' makes me wonder whether it's not a woman posting.
I'll explain something. I pay for everything for my children. It leaves nothing for me. Not so much as a lipstick. So when I get maintenance I use it for whatever I want. It reimburses me for the school dinners I've paid for. The children's 'share' of rent for a house I wouldn't need if it was just me. Electric for their x boxes.. get the picture?

I’d claim maintenance.

OP has every f**king right to use 'spare' cash to get her nails done/foof waxed/hair dyed if she is claiming maintenance. She is currently contributing 100% to this child's care when she should only be covering 50% (in an ideal world).

Stop being misogynistic pedants about the way this is OP is worded.

The father is currently spending his child's maintenance cash on whatever the f**k he wants because he isn't raising the child he made.

Yes, claim it. Do whatever you need for your own well-being and put any extra you don't immediately need into a savings account for your DC.

High earner. He wanted a child and then he didn't. Then naively asking if she should claim maintenance. It doesn't sound real. Looking for some validation. My opinion though. All things considered, OP needs to claim maintenance as it is not the child's fault he was conceived by deception.

The fact he wanted a child and then didn't sounds believable as otherwise he'd have been using contraception himself?

She's a single mum supporting her dc on her own and doesn't NEED his financial support to provide her dc with a comfortable life and everything they need. Doesn't sound like a typical gold digger to me tbh

tbh it’s a bit weird to say the nails comment I don’t understand why people are saying it isn’t, men literally say that women claim maintenance to get their nails done It’s a well known insult that men throw around so it’s an odd choice of words to add into the op....🤔

Yes exactly, can’t believe other posters think it’s a normal comment, something off about the op..

Agree. But there is a lot of them you would agree. I haven't read any post in MN saying "I am such a gold digger. I trapped my high earner bf with a child. Now he needs.to pay 1300 pounds a month for 20 years" does it mean there are not women that see a high earner and get pregnant o purpose regardless of what the bf has said? Most of my friends get the snip for that reason. All high and very high earners.

For context there was a time I was earning much more than exDP

the reason I have managed so far on my cut hours is largely family money. That can’t really continue to make up my previous pay.

as for whether I DP is a high earner, he is to me but I’ve not even looked at what I would get! Last time I knew he was on 85k and due to go up to 120. I don’t know what that equates to for me or whether my own income would reduce what he had to pay so it may not actually be much, I just assumed it would impact him if he’s earning more than me, which now he will
be.

when we first broke up I suggested he pay what he felt he could. He ignored that and didn’t pay at all. I’ve never been after his money, I loved him.

85k is like 750 a month. It is not accounted as income for tax, universal credit or anything. It is tax free money.

This child has two parents and is both your responsibility. Not wanting to be a father is irrelevant, he is a father. Don't let guilt about this colour your right to financial help to raise your child.

Additionally, if 85k is his base salary, everything on top you have a 9 percent of. 10k car allowance, health insurance, 20k bonus, etc. So 85k base is probably 100 package so 1100 a month for you. It won't affect tax or universal credit.

You don’t know what’s around the corner. It would be wise to claim now and save it. Hopefully it’s never needed and they get a nice lump sum for a house deposit.

do not underestimate the cost of child care, secondary uniform, 1st cars and Uni.
more so with the cost of living increase

oh and congratulations

Tbh then I don’t think 750 is even that much! He has done absolutely nothing for DC since day one

@lonelydad2022 I will never know if he gets any additional benefits like that though will I… he won’t even provide an address and he moved before DC was even here