DH belittling my achievements

[Offandonagain]

An example today… I’ve just been for a lovely solo walk after work in the local mountains (I live in the Lakes). There’s a grade 1 scramble I’ve been wanting to do for ages and the conditions were lovely tonight soo I went and did it! I was a little nervous due to the exposure but so chuffed with myself for doing it!…. Dh has done it before.

I got home and told him. All I needed was a good effort! Or well done! But instead, the first thing he says is well the conditions are good, it’s much harder in the rain!… I said of course it is! I wouldn’t do it in the rain! He then said I bet you were scared…. I was a little to start with but I tried to describe my experience and he just kept saying you must have been scared!

I just stopped the convo and refused to tell him anymore about my walk. What’s the point?!

I had one like this. Just cannot be happy for you. Never really took much of an interest in my life and was but would happily spend hours talking about himself. Life was all about him.

Is he supportive in other ways? Does he want the best for you? Also - what's he like when you are ill? Mine couldn't stand it if I was poorly. He had to be more ill than I was!

Also - well done! That's a massive achievement! Don't let him take the shine off feeling so very proud of yourself! Congrats

Your first paragraph describes my dh perfectly!… He drones on and on about his hobbies/interests/work/what he’s been up to. He’ll ask me about my day/interests etc but I can tell he’s not really interested.

He’s actuality really good when I’m ill! Better than me!… We’re also pretty 50/50 with home life too… kids/chores/jobs etc

Great effort. Well done.
Love that sense of achievement that physical challenges can bring.

Were you on your own?

Well done you!

My ex was like this.
Literally nothing I did was worth anything.
I remember my very first marathon went past our house and he didn't come out to see me run past as it was raining.

It really wore me down and after many years I'd had enough.

He was also shit when I was ill though so added 'bonus'!

I did actually say to him… don’t take this away from me! But he just said but you must have been scared!

It’s like he’s jealous that I’ve been out and done something…. or he can’t believe I was capable of doing it without him!

He was the same when I passed my driving test… yeah but it took you 4 attempts! Or when I got my degree… saying it’s not that hard a subject, geography. All you do is colour in!

I think he thinks he’s saying it in jest, but there’s definitely a put down in there too!

My husband is very fit - works out a lot, physical job etc. I have been trying to do couch to 5km and keep getting derailed and having to go back to week 1 or 2. Every single time I return from a "run" he is super punped and happy for me. Every time.

Your h is a plonker.

@Offandonagain it's just the way he is but I suppose if you feel loved and in a proper partnership then it's maybe something that can be worked on.

Mine was just shit at everything lol.

Yeah!… I doubt mind being in the hills on my own. I used to be out in them for work. But I get a little nervous on scrambles I’ve never done before and haven’t done one on my own since before my eldest was born 12yrs ago! It felt like a big deal to me and he just shat on it

That’s really crap!… When ever I did a race my dh would correct me and say it wasn’t a race but a challenge. It’s only a race for the ones who have a chance of winning

That’s really nice!… I like to think I am the same with my dh. I am pleased at his achievements and say well done.

I think deep down here is proud of me, but can’t seem to say it!

My husband tries to co-opt things. For example when my feedback said I'd got full marks in all the aptitude tests he said "oh well we're the sort of people you expect to do well" even though he'd never taken tests like that (and full marks was quite rare).

That one was the most egregious, but not the only one. I've come to the conclusion it's because he's trying to engage with me. If he just said "Well done" he thinks that would be politely patronising.

Could your husband be doing something similar? Trying (very badly) to put himself in your position and show some empathy?

(I'm not trying to excuse him here, just wanting to save you from a life sentence )

Ah, I’m sorry!

Yes, I think it is something to try and work on as we are a solid couple in other ways

Maybe!… He is a better
climber than me, he works at height on ropes so heights and exposure don’t bother him. So I wonder if he’s trying to come across as empathetic but totally missing the mark!

What your dh does would annoy me 🤣

He sounds like an arse.

Have a well done from me though!

Congratulations 🎉 That is a great achievement and you should be proud. Your DH is negging you to diminish your achievements, keep you in your place, and make sure you continue to think he’s the best because he thinks he’s the best and you’re merely a moon orbiting round planet Mr Offagainonagain. Have you ever done it back to him? I bet he’d hate it.

Have you ever been really honest with him and asked him why he shits on your achievements? That it's not funny, it's unkind and unloving, and it makes him appear incredibly insecure and jealous.

"Geography is just colouring in" - bloody hell, he sounds thick as mince.

Thank you! That’s all I wanted 🤣

Thanks for this! 🤣…. I haven’t, but I am going to!

I go to my best friend or mil for stuff like this as dh is always so meh

I pulled him up on it this evening but I don’t follow through as I was tired. He can become very defensive… it’s just a joke, I’m too sensitive. I just can’t be arsed with it so we end up not being able to have nice chats…. Unless it’s all about him!

Yeah, I’ve told my friend and she was well chuffed for me! 🥰

Play the long game.op....Next time he wants your praise and approval, just he dead nonchalant about it.

I do this with my dh and l can almost hear the penny drop!

You're talking yourself round to a realisation here! Each update is just you saying a little bit more about how he has no time for your achievements but a lot of time to talk about himself.

Hopefully it's something you can resolve between you but when I turned the tables on stbx and started doing the exact same thing back to him, oh lawks was that an eye opener. It wasn't that he was "clumsy" or "thoughtless" he was just a right bellend who couldn't stand to see me, and I quote, "above my station".

No matter how you deal with it, deal with it. Life is too short for negging, your degree is awesome and you ought to be proud, I'm not sure what the hill achievement was as I'm built for comfort not for speed, but it sounds super and well done!

This is going to sound simplistic and trite but I really mean it...

Why do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't want to make you feel good about yourself?

OR someone who is incapable of doing so?

Whether unwilling or unable, the effect on you is the same - feeling deflated, disappointed and confused at the times you should feel the most proud and elated.

And because you have kids unfortunately they're being taught that it's normal and acceptable if they have a partner in future who isn't arsed about their achievements let alone being proud of them.

It's a very dangerous lesson to teach them that sets them up for an adulthood full of shit relationships that dent their self confidence.

And in my experience, any man who has said "you're being over sensitive" when I've calmly explained something that upset me... he's been either a bit of a selfish wanker or a massive cunt.

Because nice people who love you want you to be happy and feel good about yourself. It took me ages to genuinely believe that should be the bare minimum expected in a relationship, both ways, due to growing up in a household with a dad like your husband.

Please do think about the long term effects on you and also the kids