DH belittling my achievements

[Offandonagain]

An example today… I’ve just been for a lovely solo walk after work in the local mountains (I live in the Lakes). There’s a grade 1 scramble I’ve been wanting to do for ages and the conditions were lovely tonight soo I went and did it! I was a little nervous due to the exposure but so chuffed with myself for doing it!…. Dh has done it before.

I got home and told him. All I needed was a good effort! Or well done! But instead, the first thing he says is well the conditions are good, it’s much harder in the rain!… I said of course it is! I wouldn’t do it in the rain! He then said I bet you were scared…. I was a little to start with but I tried to describe my experience and he just kept saying you must have been scared!

I just stopped the convo and refused to tell him anymore about my walk. What’s the point?!

But your partner should want to actively make you feel good about yourself! And proud of yourself! Who makes you feel they're proud of you! That should be the absolute bare minimum a partner does for you, not something extraordinary.

Settling for someone who doesn't want you to feel good about yourself is doing yourself a disservice

Another thread that makes me so happy not to be married. People who “piss on your chips” are generally pretty miserable to be around.
Very well done, OP. What’s your next challenge?

Well done! I don’t know much about scrambling, I’m afraid, but it sounds like a great achievement and you should be proud of yourself!

I’m sorry you DH is being an idiot about it though. Even if it is ‘in jest’, it isn’t funny. Remember what we teach children - if the other person isn’t laughing, it isn’t funny or a joke so don’t say it again.

Please reread @wellhelloitsme ’s post again. I think she speaks sense.

Well, it's a "well done" from me and, I dare say, every other MNer who reads your post. It might be time for you to join a hiking club that will support and cheer you on in your ventures. (I'm Australian, so know the value of a good bushwalk.)

Find some like-minded people and keep this part of your life completely separate from your marriage.

I do feel your pain. My XH's mean spirit (especially toward my work and friends) was why I divorced him. Not saying you should do likewise, but you might want to keep the adventurous part of yourself private for your own sanity.

Well done OP, that sounds like a great achievement!

My EXDP was like this; he didn't know how to be complimentary, and in fact went out of his way to put me down. I decided my life was too short to stay on a relationship with someone who actively tried to make me feel bad about myself, so I left.

He’s undermining you.

Suggesting that the problem is you - that you’re ‘oversensitive’ - is a classic bullying tactic.

He’s good to you when you’re ill because you’re vulnerable (ie no threat) and he’s in control.

Also, bullies can be very nice. It’s how they get you to stay. Also, how they condition you to doubt yourself and your own perception. Again, it’s tactical.

All red flags.

His intention is to chip away at your confidence over time. You maybe not feel it now, but you will.

It’s a slow drip.

I strongly advise you to consider leaving. You’re clearly a life-loving and generous-spirited person. Don’t let him ruin that for you.

Well done on your achievement!

He thinks he's superior to you (possibly to all women).
Any acheivement of yours reflects negatively on his inadequacy so he has to belittle it.

*achievement

Even if you were being 'over sensitive' (you weren't) if your partner, or anyone really, tells you that something you've done or said upset them then you don't do it, it's really not that hard! See also dismissing hurtful comments as 'jokes'. Not on.

I mean this kindly...

There's no point telling us! Tell him!

"Partner, I've come home from doing something challenging and something I've wanted to do for a while. I'm not looking for you to put it down or keep saying I must have been scared. I was looking to tell you about it and share my achievement. If you keep trying to put a downer on the things I do, then I think maybe it's worth us having a good sit down to explore why you're doing that, maybe even with a counsellor, because I love you but I won't accept it going forward.

I need you to be supportive and encouraging. To be able to say "well done, that sounds amazing" without trying to put a negative spin on it".

See what he says. He needs to know you have recognised he does it and that you won't accept it.

If he knows it upsets you and continues to do it, then you have larger issues.

I was initially thinking it’s only a grade 1 so he’s just good humouredly ribbing you, but I read all your updates and from what you say he constantly says something to bring you down a peg. That’s ribbing gone too far and over into a toxic dynamic. I think you need to have a conversation with him about the overall dynamic and how it really bothers you and that you’d really like a bit of encouragement instead of constant ribbing/sarcasm.

That doesn't sound like a put down to me. Being scared and doing it anyway is the definition of bravery!
Couldn't it be his (clumsy) attempt at a compliment?

Well done! That is an achievement.

How is he towards the achievements of your DC?

It is only a grade 1, I climb at a french 6b level so it’s well within my capabilities. But it’s the first one I’ve done on my own in 12 yrs. I was really please with myself

It’s more the fact that the first thing he said was it’s worse in the rain

Yeah he’s fine! Really supportive

I had one just like this, everything I did wasn’t as good as he could do it/was easy/wasn’t worth doing anyway. He got really angry at me one night for something, violently angry, and I asked him why he was like that. He admitted he was jealous.

wasn’t long before I left him funnily enough.

Well I think you're brave, I'd be shaking if I had to do that!

and being nice to you when you’re ill is easy because you’re no threat, and being nice to you makes him feel good about himself.

well done by the way, that sounds really difficult.

Jack's Rake? Whatever it was, well done you!

Yeah! 😀… Thanks!

If he thinks it's a joke or you're too sensitive, next time he does something big and impressive, and is boasting to you about it, give him a taste of his own medicine.

It's a great scramble 👏👍

Same with mine.... except he's actually an XH.... but he has been really supportive and positive