DH belittling my achievements

[Offandonagain]

An example today… I’ve just been for a lovely solo walk after work in the local mountains (I live in the Lakes). There’s a grade 1 scramble I’ve been wanting to do for ages and the conditions were lovely tonight soo I went and did it! I was a little nervous due to the exposure but so chuffed with myself for doing it!…. Dh has done it before.

I got home and told him. All I needed was a good effort! Or well done! But instead, the first thing he says is well the conditions are good, it’s much harder in the rain!… I said of course it is! I wouldn’t do it in the rain! He then said I bet you were scared…. I was a little to start with but I tried to describe my experience and he just kept saying you must have been scared!

I just stopped the convo and refused to tell him anymore about my walk. What’s the point?!

Oh dear. My ExH used to do this thing whenever I said anything, he'd respond with a 'not really ' but when pushed to explain his comment he never had anything. He just liked to belittle me, and especially in front of other people.

Some people really just don't get that putting out your fire won't make theirs burn brighter, and I'm afraid he won't ever get it, because he's not wired that way. You can explain it until you're blue in the face but he won't change, because he doesn't want to.

I do wish you luck, because honestly, they don't get better. I managed 3 years before I finally divorced the dickhead and satisfyingly used this explanation as my grounds.

Ugh he sounds like a story topper - you’ve been to Tenerife they’ve been to elevenerife! How boring 😮‍💨!

Is he threatened by you or something? Cheeky shit saying that about your degree?

Why don’t you start doing it back to him? See how he likes it then?

Congratulations OP - it’s a lovely feeling when you conquer something you’ve been planning!

I’m putting it down to him feeling like I don’t need him to do stuff. I am capable on my own. I will play him at his own game

Why play the game though OP?

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who would rather deflate you than be proud of you and pleased for you?

That's a dynamic that's very damaging for children to grow up around.

Agree. Why are you playing games with your partner? How exhausting, pointless and joyless.

He always need to feel like he's on top. Anything less than that is a threat to his self-esteem, his ego or/and his dominance. He will bring down even his own wife achievements in order to make sure you don't outshine him or make him feel insecure about himself.

That's where it comes from, partly - that insecurity. People like like are hyper sensitive (despite how self-assured, almost over confident they may seem). They are easily triggered or threatened, and they will react with aggression to bring down that threat. It can be subtle, such as putting someone down or always making them feel like they've never quite done a good job.

Personally, I find this a deeply unattractive trait. You can't trust someone like that to be on the same team as you. Emotionally, they're on their own team, and they're too busy zealously guarding their own sense of worth or dominance to lift you up and celebrate you as you should be. Yuck.

It’s like he’s jealous that I’ve been out and done something…. or he can’t believe I was capable of doing it without him

I don't know how you can stand this. It's so demeaning.

feeling like I don’t need him to do stuff

Obviously you know him better than us, but no, I think you are mistaken here. That is a very flattering view of what he's doing. It might make it easier for you accept it, as you might think 'Aww bless him. It's because he needs me'. I think it will keep you from seeing the full picture.

One of the things I've notices is how many tactless, nasty, or bullying people will say that the other party is too sensitive, and everything is just a joke....when actually, they are the ones who are extremely sensitive. They can often dish it, but can't receive it. They do not like when their own behaviour is reflected back on them. At. All.

Have you wondered if he’s autistic?

@Lunificent

What about him belittling his wife's achievements but being perfectly capable of naturally celebrating his children's is indicative of autism?

He can become very defensive… it’s just a joke, I’m too sensitive

What about him accusing her of being defensive and saying it's a joke, she's too sensitive etc (rather than saying he's simply stating facts) is indicative of autism?

I think that's such a horrible thing to say. He should be celebrating your achievements. Imagine saying that to one of your friends - you wouldn't, because it's deeply unpleasant! (This is what I've started doing as my self talk is really negative and critical).

Well done for your scramble, it's hard getting back into things and having confidence solo so it's brilliant you're getting out and doing it!

What you said about putting down your degree reminded me of something my stbxh said years ago. I’d worked really hard on my degree (in philosophy) and he picked up a past paper I was doing said ‘I wonder what I’d get if I did this now’. I said he hadn’t done the course and read the books etc so he’d fail. He was adamant he’d pass. I remember feeling like he didn’t value my achievement at all as compared with his (science subject degree). Of course he said he was joking, didn’t apologise etc. Anyway, many years later we’re separated. I wish I’d listened to my feeling about how he treated me all those years ago…

And well done for your scramble! I think that’s amazing!! What an achievement!

My exh wouldn't even acknowledge child birth hurt! Told everyone because I didn't have pain relief it didn't hurt..
Congratulations op!

I know a few men like to us sadly. My ex shouted at me after I'd given birth (c section) because I was in pain and he had arthritis and my pain didn't compare to his.

A friend of mine gave birth recently and I asked dad how it was and how mum was. His response was 'she's fine, it was easy'. I don't think any birth is 'easy' but it was the tone of his voice that said it all. I'm yet to speak to mum but I'm interested to see how she found childbirth!. I'd put money on her not describing it as 'easy' anyway!

I know a few men like this - that should say

Next time he tells you of his achievements, just tell him that x is quicker:better than him or 'you're hardly x tho' or 'you didn't win' or 'you've got good kit' and my favourite is '2nd is first loser '

When he picks you up on it remind him if this day and how it made you feel

I would be tempted to pretend to take him at face value.
”You’re right, I was scared so that makes it a bigger achievement, you’re right.”
”Oh, I can explain to you what geography is all about as a field if you like, it would be so embarrassing for you to say it was colouring in at work/in front of other people.”
”You’re right, a challenge is even harder than a race because you have to find intrinsic motivation rather than extrinsic motivation. It’s great to be motivated by the sport rather than just winning, though, isn’t it.”

He sounds quite insecure really.

Well done OP.

He sounds awful.

Mean spirited, belittling, insecure and certainly not on your side.

Worse than that he calls you "sensitive" when challenged.

Sensitive is what bullying men say to shut down their victims.

He tries to controll and shut you down by calling you sensitive.

I think you should consider some counselling for yourself because it would be well worth your while finding out why you have put up with this for so long.

He's not a nice man.

You only get on with him when you allow him to put you down and don't challenge him.

Is this really what you want from a relationship?

You certainly cannot feel emotionally safe in a relationship with a partner who puts you down, can you?

A horrible dynamic for children to grow up in, listening to mum being put down.

Have a think OP.

You deserve better.

Bingo

@pinkyredrose

Amazing isn't it? At least we haven't had dementia suggested yet.

Have you wondered if he is just a twat?

😆

Haha, brilliant.

My ex was like this. I was offered a job after an interview once and i told him what the guy offering me the job had said, which was that he never offers jobs this soon after an interview but he had absolutely no doubts about me.

Ex's reply? "He doesn't want to get in your knickers does he?"

He also belittled my efforts in getting up to do night feeds, by saying he was just as tired as me because even though he didn't get out of bed his sleep was still interrupted, which means it was just as hard for him. Even though I was getting out of bed, carrying baby downstairs, making up the milk, warming it up and feeding, then burping DD and settling her back to sleep. Apparently it was just as hard for him to have been momentarily woken up while i got out of bed.

There were loads of other examples too. Your DH sounds like a knob, honestly. Geography is just colouring in? WTF. Also beware of the "you're just too sensitive" defence, as others have said, its a big red flag 🚩

Well done by the way!

My ex was like that. He would never give me a proper praise or acknowledge my achievements. Sometimes he would praise me in front of others, but it felt like he was doing it only to make himself look better because I am “his wife”. He could not stand it if I had something over him. When, few years ago I started giving blood first thing he said was, “I used to give blood when I was in military”. A few months later he not only started giving blood but was giving it more often then suggested just so he would “catch up” with me.

Wow!!