Is this normal?

[Alwayssoconfused]

Hi

Some of you may remember my thread from a few weeks ago, where I discovered my DP had been active on online hook up sites for a number of years.

He's still at home. Various reasons but the main one being he has fallen apart. He was not sleeping, crying etc etc. It was upsetting our DC so much that I decided to take them on our family holiday alone. When I returned he was full of promises of change but I don't feel like I can move past the deceit and his self serving behaviour over the last few weeks. I have a few times told him how I feel but have wanted to try and think about it given how long we have been together and the DC. He doesn't seem to be accepting it and is all over the place. I strongly feel he has untreated mental health issues so this is adding to it.

I want to try and describe an incident from the weekend that's really weighing on my mind.

We were all invited to an extended family party on my side. I decided to go alone to save us all the awkwardness (only me, him and my mum know but it would still have been uncomfortable). In the run up to it he took it fine said he would do something but on the day of the party he fell apart and we ended up running late as he was crying. We came home and he was obviously still upset. That night he had a massive meltdown and was angrily saying that he is always getting dumped and left alone and intermittently crying. He then got dressed and left the house late at night for a walk. I stayed up for while and then ended up ringing him as it was nearly midnight. He cried down the phone and said he didn't know when he was coming back. He blamed my indecision for his feelings and said I needed to leave as I was torturing him and clearly enjoying life without him. He then came back and said he couldn't bare to be without me and was asking for cuddles. Over the last couple of days he's sweetness and light. No apology or acknowledgement of what happened or how upsetting it was. This is a pattern unfortunately.

This isn't a normal way to deal with conflict is it? I sometimes forget who cheated on who!

of he hasn’t seen his GP/GP hasn’t diagnosed a condition with which he can get help with how much longer are you willing to put up him and his behaviour?

Who cares what a GP has or hasn’t diagnosed?
He’s a manipulative self serving arsehole who clearly isn’t working hard on being his best self to win you back and make amends.
Get rid.

OP you must know this isn’t normal, but you’re so close to the situation you can’t see it for what it is.

Your DH needs mental health support. Addressing the cheating needs to come when he is stable.

Yuk, I’m getting the ick just reading your post. He sounds like a total loser who is deflecting from his piss poor behaviour.

No it’s not a normal way of dealing with conflict, but it’s working really well for him because you haven’t kicked him out yet, so… I’m not quite sure what advice you’re looking for here.

He has not "fallen apart", he knows exactly what he's doing, he's manipulating the fuck out of you and you're allowing it.

Stop falling for his bullshit and kick him out. Your poor kids are suffering due to his absurd antics.

Of course he's "sweetness and light" right now, because you aren't challenging him or making boundaries. As soon as you do, like when you didn't have him go to the family event, he kicks off again. Surprise, surprise. He's really doing a number on you.

Been through the same and it doesn't get any better. Ultimately they can't (will not) accept that their behaviour has caused the consequences and destroyed the relationship. It's all "me, me, me"and how they are feeling. Always sorry but apparently not sorry enough not to do it again.

Thanks for the replies. You're all very right.

I've let a lot go based upon mental health issues but it's come to a point where it's too much for me.

He has tried to go to the GP a few times over the years and each time gets told to ring MindMatters. I've also fought tooth and nail for him but everything just seems to come to nothing. It's probably why I've let things go and shouldered most of the family burden. It's why it doubly hurts that he cheated and is so keen to minimise it.

I'm honestly worried about how much worse it will be when the time comes.

He's manipulating you OP. Stop falling for it and letting him put your kids through it. The fact he is upsetting them and still thinking of himself should tell you everything.

'Normal' doesn't make everyone happy, and lots of 'not normal' things make lots of people happy. Do you think the latter should try to be normal? Or the former should pretend/learn to like normal?

Normal doesn't matter. What you like and don't like, personally, is what matters. If you're not liking his behaviour, you've talked to him about how it hurts you, and he keeps doing it, you need to decide if it's a dealbreaker for you, or if you want to stay in a relationship that will always be like this.

Normal isn't really the right word but I struggled to put a thread title to how I feel.

He has been my only serious relationship in adulthood so I don't have anything to compare to. I know I find these "episodes" deeply upsetting but the way he behaves afterwards leaves me thinking it's me? That's why I ask the question "is it normal?" because I don't know.

He says if he found out I was cheating he would have forgiven me in a heartbeat and he doesn't understand why I can't just talk it through and work it out. It didn't happen to him though did it? That pain is hypothetical and it feels crass to say that to me.

I know I find these "episodes" deeply upsetting but the way he behaves afterwards leaves me thinking it's me? That's why I ask the question "is it normal?" because I don't know.

Not normal at all. He's very manipulative and is trying to make it about him, when it's him who cheated. He wants everything to revolve around him and is very erratic. It's all manipulation.

He says if he found out I was cheating he would have forgiven me in a heartbeat and he doesn't understand why I can't just talk it through and work it out.

Manipulation again, trying to make you think you're wrong to feel how you feel and to not be keen on him after what he did.

The whole thing is to stop you separating from him.

You're not his psychiatric nurse, so any issues he has are not your responsibility (especially as he cheated on you.)

If he does suffer with his mental health when (as I hope) you separate from him, it'll mean he gets the help he supposedly needs, rather than you shoring him up and enabling his not getting help.

I know I find these "episodes" deeply upsetting but the way he behaves afterwards leaves me thinking it's me? That's why I ask the question "is it normal?" because I don't know

You're looking for external guidance or rules that you can refer to. If he's within 'the rules', then 'it's you'. If he's breaking 'the rules', it's him. But there are no rules. Maybe he is doing something perfectly ok but it upsets you. The only thing that matters is that it upsets you, and whether he respects that. Whether his behaviour would be acceptable to others is neither here nor there.

You are an adult. You are responsible for looking after your own feelings. If something or someone makes you feel bad, don't fish around for who's right and who's wrong: talk to them, and if you can't find understanding and a satisfactory compromise where you don't feel bad anymore, then stay away from them. You can't make yourself not feel bad about something just because it's 'normal'.

So yes, regardless of what he's doing, it is you. Do you think that's a reason to discount it? Because it's 'just your feelings'? Do your feelings not count?

To bring it down to a basic example, if you get a horrible feeling whenever he eats a strawberry yoghurt, the healthy thing to do isn't to squash your feelings because it's perfectly normal to eat a strawberry yoghurt. The healthy thing is to talk to him about it. If he says he's perfectly entitled to do it, and carries on, regardless of your feelings, he's disrespecting you: leave. If he says he's so sorry for doing it, and then keeps doing it he's disrespecting you leave. If he says 'I didn't realise... I can't just never eat them though... what about if I don't eat them in front of you, would that be better for you..?' then talk to him and recognise that you're being respected and that this is healthy.

What his action is that bothers you isn't the relevant thing. What matters is whether he respects your feelings. If you can get your head around this, your boundaries will be strong for life. There is no external locus of evaluation: your feelings are the rules in your life.

@Alwayssoconfused
He says if he found out I was cheating he would have forgiven me in a heartbeat and he doesn't understand why I can't just talk it through and work it out.

No he wouldn’t.
He’s lying.

I know a man who cheated on his wife. He ended the affair and decided to tell his wife everything with a forgive me and let it go attitude.
His wife turned round and said that she had also had an affair a year earlier.
He couldn’t get over her affair.
He expected forgiveness but couldn’t forgive her.
They split up.

Best thing now, do your absolute level best to avoid him so that what he says cannot impact you. He is twisting it round on you.

Who the hell does he think he is, trying to manipulate you by 'falling apart' when this whole mess was caused solely by him being a disgusting, cheating scumbag? He's either being deluded and pathetic, or very, very calculating and a good actor. Either way, you will be better off without him. He'd forgive you cheating in a heartbeat? Yeah, right.

So he's cheating and yet this becomes all about accommodating his 'breakdowns'.

He's a manipulative, unrepentant arsehole.

He says if he found out I was cheating he would have forgiven me in a heartbeat and he doesn't understand why I can't just talk it through and work it out.

Given how much he's playing the victim when he's the one who cheated, no way would he just let it go and forgive you if you were the one who cheated. He'd be having a field day with all the guilt trips.

He's saying that to manipulate you into feeling like you shouldn't be upset or hurt that he cheated. He's saying it to make you out to be the villain.

You're enabling him. This isn't going to get better. Any obligation you had to support his mental health problems went out the window with his fidelity. You need to kick him out. This isn't a healthy environment for your children.

Tell him to grow up and take responsibility for what he's done. It's on him to re-earn your trust and prove that he knows what he did was wrong. He doesn't get instant forgiveness.

You know when a kid gets found out for naughty behaviour and so they get into trouble, and then they burst into tears saying how youre upsetting them for getting them into trouble....well, that. His emotional maturity was stunted around the age of 5 and now you're dealing with this grown child. a victim of his own choices.

He's blaming you for his behaviour and tellin you it's your fault because you won't forgive and immediately forget about his cheating. That is really manipulative, and he's a toad who won't accept responsibility for his own actions.

I agree with others, don't stand for it any longer. He needs to either shape up or ship out.

He's not sorry he cheated, he's just sorry you found out. He is deliberately manipulating you by doing the 'dying swan' act whenever things don't go his way.
Yet whenever you're doing exactly what HE wants, he's 'good as gold' isn't he ?

Don't continue to fall for any of that crap !

If he's got poor 'mental health', it STOPPED being your bloody 'problem' the second he cheated ! (And it was never YOUR bloody 'problem' to solve even before that !) He's a bloody adult, and he can bloody well fend for himself !

He's quite happy for YOUR mental health to be bloody well crushed isn't he ?
He also doesn't care if his children are emotionally fucked up because of his behaviour and 'mental health crises' isn't he ? Yeah, because to him, if it ain't about HIM, then it ain't even important, is it ?

Stop prioritizing HIS needs and wishes above your own and your children's. You owe yourself and your kids a duty of care, to ensure you aren't all dragged down and fucked up because of him and his selfishness.

I’m going to diagnose him with being a manipulative cunt who’s upset he got caught. That’s all.

No it’s not you.
He chose to deceive you.
He chose to cheat on you.
His weeping, wailing, poor me act is just that because he’s been found out for what he is.
He wants you to pretend you didn’t find out, pretend he’s a loyal husband—- until the next time he cheats on you.
The going off at night ( designed to make you worry) will develop into “I’m sitting on Beachy Head” — I used to get this sort of thing from my ex. He told me so many times he was going to jump off a bridge I told him to get in the bloody car and I’d drive him there and pay the toll charge to drive him half way across. He didn’t want to do it then…..
Get rid, you’re worth more than this drama Queen.

OP - this man needs showing the bloody door . He is manipulative. It’s all an act believe me , he was found out and he wants YOU to feel bad . He doesn’t regret what he did , he’d probably do it again and again .
I had two years of a supposed nervous breakdown from me ex when I discovered his affair , suicide threats and god knows what else but the whole time he was still seeing his OW . When I finally left him he told everyone that I’d just upped and left and taken his children for no reason and when he finally went public with his affair , apparently she’d been his shoulder to cry on when his nasty wife left him .
Seriously take back the control and start making plans to remove this man from your life