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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this normal?

86 replies

Alwayssoconfused · 11/07/2022 19:07

Some of you may remember my thread from a few weeks ago, where I discovered my DP had been active on online hook up sites for a number of years.

He's still at home. Various reasons but the main one being he has fallen apart. He was not sleeping, crying etc etc. It was upsetting our DC so much that I decided to take them on our family holiday alone. When I returned he was full of promises of change but I don't feel like I can move past the deceit and his self serving behaviour over the last few weeks. I have a few times told him how I feel but have wanted to try and think about it given how long we have been together and the DC. He doesn't seem to be accepting it and is all over the place. I strongly feel he has untreated mental health issues so this is adding to it.

I want to try and describe an incident from the weekend that's really weighing on my mind.

We were all invited to an extended family party on my side. I decided to go alone to save us all the awkwardness (only me, him and my mum know but it would still have been uncomfortable). In the run up to it he took it fine said he would do something but on the day of the party he fell apart and we ended up running late as he was crying. We came home and he was obviously still upset. That night he had a massive meltdown and was angrily saying that he is always getting dumped and left alone and intermittently crying. He then got dressed and left the house late at night for a walk. I stayed up for while and then ended up ringing him as it was nearly midnight. He cried down the phone and said he didn't know when he was coming back. He blamed my indecision for his feelings and said I needed to leave as I was torturing him and clearly enjoying life without him. He then came back and said he couldn't bare to be without me and was asking for cuddles. Over the last couple of days he's sweetness and light. No apology or acknowledgement of what happened or how upsetting it was. This is a pattern unfortunately.

This isn't a normal way to deal with conflict is it? I sometimes forget who cheated on who!

OP posts:

VioletInsolence · 12/07/2022 21:21

This sounds like borderline personality disorder. My ex had it and my mum does too (but is a much nicer person than ex) and the behaviour sounds familiar. They can be very abusive but like to blame everyone but themselves.

VioletInsolence · 12/07/2022 21:23

Angry meltdowns
Fear of abandonment
Crying and manipulation
Never taking responsibility for their behaviour
Not sure I’d the storming out is a bpd thing but my ex always did that

totallyoutnumbered · 12/07/2022 21:29

He's a gaslighting, manipulative liar. None of this is "normal". There are plenty of good people out there who wouldn't even dream of behaving this way. Do yourself and your kids a massive favour and start making your plans to leave. Life will be so much easier without having to put him and his pathetic self serving arse first

antelopevalley · 13/07/2022 01:22

I was willing to suspend judgement until you said he had gone to the GP several times and been told to contact Mind Matters.
This means there is nothing diagnosably wrong with his mental health. The GP will have done a short assessment about his suicide risk, depression, etc and basically can not find anything seriously wrong with him.
He is manipulating you.

Bunty55 · 13/07/2022 01:30

OP If he had not been caught out he would still be doing it. Get rid of him.

MintJulia · 13/07/2022 03:06

OP, you are being had.

He isn't sorry, and is waiting for you to let the 'hookup sites' thing blow over, so he can revert to normal.

All the weeping and wailing, wandering about in the dark, and general drama queening is designed to make you worry and get you to back down. He wants you to say 'poor love has mental health issues' and forgive him, so he can get back to his smutty hook-up sites. If you don't, the next stage is he'll take three asprin, flush the rest down the loo and then call you and claim he's taken the whole bottle.

For goodness sake dump this self-serving creep before he makes you poor children's lives any more miserable.

Original poster

Alwayssoconfused · 25/07/2022 00:57

It's me again. I can't sleep and need to let it out somewhere.

I ended up taking him to A&E last week as he was actively suicidal, had a plan etc. I just remember him standing in the driveway, car keys in hand, asking if it was over before speeding off in the car. He eventually came back and hours later managed to get him to A&E.

There was another episode days later on what was quite a significant day for one of our DC.

He's still here and it's his house so I'm stuck right now. There's nowhere else for me to take the DC and I won't leave them here.

He knows it's over but won't accept it. He says that he won't give up until the day I leave and will keep fighting. He again repeats that he doesn't understand why I won't work through it with him. I think in reality he's going to make it as difficult as possible for me to move on.

He's also decided not to work so he's free to spend his time with me and the DC. One of the DC has told me how uncomfortable they feel around him at the moment (because he cries all the time and alternates happy/ sad so quickly) so this will only make them feel worse too.

I honestly don't know what to do.

OP posts:

OldFan · 25/07/2022 01:50

I would carry on/actively work on your escape plan @Alwayssoconfused . Whenever he goes on about suicide just call the police/ambulance. Other than that, ignore it. You needn't go to the hospital with him or anything like that. Let professionals deal with it. If he knows you're going to call the ambulance if he does this, he might stop doing it as that's not the response he's looking for.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 25/07/2022 01:58

He is playing you.

Turning on the waterworks like a tap.

Cognacsoft · 25/07/2022 05:51

My dm used to threaten suicide when she wasn't getting her own way.
One day I snapped and told her that if she really thought that was the solution then I wasn't going to stop her.
She never did it and never threatened again.

Valeriekat · 29/07/2022 07:44

Glitterspy · 11/07/2022 19:16

OP you must know this isn’t normal, but you’re so close to the situation you can’t see it for what it is.

Your DH needs mental health support. Addressing the cheating needs to come when he is stable.

He cheated and now has to take the consequences. This isn't about his mental health. There were no MH issues until he was found out. Tough.
Don't allow yourself to be manipulated OP.

TooHotToTangoToo · 29/07/2022 07:57

He's still manipulating you op, pulling every trick in the book. Suicide, mental health, everything you describe is about him and what he wants.

Do you rent, do you have income, can you move, can you and the dc move out? Also start telling people, lean on friends and family to help YOU because he's not thinking of you at all in all of this

LooseGoose22 · 29/07/2022 08:29

was angrily saying that he is always getting dumped and left alone

He might find that stops if he stops cheating on his partners.

LooseGoose22 · 29/07/2022 08:31

He's also decided not to work

How's that going to work re your household income?!

LooseGoose22 · 29/07/2022 08:38

His behaviour towards you and especially the kids in the aftermath of bring caught is tantamount to abuse.

Also the only thing I see behind his behaviour throughout is entitlement; entitlement to have hookups with other women alongside you (without your knowledge of course), need entitlement to keep you and your family as it is, regardless of being caught cheating. He thinks he entitled to behave like this. He is utterly utterly selfish in every way. And the manipulation now is nuclear level.

Also I don't believe his shoe on other foot scenario. That is absolute bullshit.

Test it out and say yourr really glad he's said that because you've had something on your conscience for a long time, that you you sex with an ex earlier in your relationship with him, its been eating you but you didn't want to ruin what you thought you had. Now his behaviour had come out and now he's said that, you feel.like you can finally tell him ...... I guarantee he will go beyond ape shit and call you all the names of the day.

LooseGoose22 · 29/07/2022 08:41

He's trying to work on you night and day, give you no break, like a fkg prisoner being tortured ... that's what's behind that. To try to do as intensive and unrelenting a head job on you that you'll go back and stop this "nonsense".

As I said above, he's abusing the kids. And he doesn't give a fuck. He doesn't give a fk about anybody but himself, and that's clearly not a new thing from the behaviour you caught him at.

Spohn · 29/07/2022 08:44

Can you both stop traumatising your kids and send them somewhere else while you’re not divorcing this knob? Prioritise them. There is no ‘his’ house if a couple are married.

Dotcheck · 29/07/2022 08:44

He may indeed need help for his mental health, but it isn’t your responsibility to fix it, and it sure as hell isn’t your children’s.

My ex constantly threatened suicide ( ie I’ve just drunk a bottle of vodka and I’m about to do 150 down the motorway) . He started this shit because our relationship crumbled ( due to him trying to hook up with a 19 year old). Funny how it all stopped when he found another woman to prop him up emotionally.

He will drain you until you have nothing left. He will drain your children
He will continue to use hook up sites

You DO know what to do, you just need to pull together your courage and just do it

LooseGoose22 · 29/07/2022 08:49

was angrily saying that he is always getting dumped and left alone

I actually heard similar from an ex - an ex who who the most jealous, controlling, possessive, judgemental.bastard I've ever had the misfortune to be involved with. He tried to set up a "no separate socialising" rule in any relationship he was in, and would rant and rave at you, end the relationship (or threaten to) if you didn't abide by it .... like your partner there was zero acknowledgement of his own behaviour in the break down of the relationships. Zero responsibility.

LooseGoose22 · 29/07/2022 08:55

My ex constantly threatened suicide ( ie I’ve just drunk a bottle of vodka and I’m about to do 150 down the motorway

So he was happy with actively endangering other people's lives. What a decent guy.

It sounds like op's partner has also been speeding off etc. (?) More evidence that his anger and "distress", entirely as a consequence of his own actions, is a free pass for him to risk other people's physical and mental well being.

Meowmeowmeowmeowmeow · 29/07/2022 08:55

PoppyDrug · 11/07/2022 19:13

of he hasn’t seen his GP/GP hasn’t diagnosed a condition with which he can get help with how much longer are you willing to put up him and his behaviour?

Gps dont diagnose narcissism, misogynoy amd entitlement
They are already busy enough for the two year waiting lists in hospital and patients wifh cancer

Herejustforthisone · 29/07/2022 08:58

This man is a joke. A manipulative, lying joke.

He won’t kill himself. He’s saying it to control you because you caught him out. Save your kids from this repulsive man.

LooseGoose22 · 29/07/2022 08:59

Funny how it all stopped when he found another woman to prop him up emotionally.

This too.

He's only "fucked up" because he's been caught on the hop, no solid option with another woman set up, left single, everyone will probably find out why etc. These guys don't like others to make decisions or "discard" them; if there's discarding to be done, they are the ones who should he doing it, I and when it suits them. He'll fight all the way to get the status quo and the power back .. but I bet he'll return to his default behaviour when he has it a little while.

LooseGoose22 · 29/07/2022 09:01

There is no ‘his’ house if a couple are married.

"DP" suggests they are not.

LooseGoose22 · 29/07/2022 09:05

He's still here and it's his house so I'm stuck right now. There's nowhere else for me to take the DC and I won't leave them here.

There are millions of people in private rentals using their income, UC, child maintenance, child benefit etc. Citizens advice will go through what your income would be

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