Is this normal?

[Alwayssoconfused]

Hi

Some of you may remember my thread from a few weeks ago, where I discovered my DP had been active on online hook up sites for a number of years.

He's still at home. Various reasons but the main one being he has fallen apart. He was not sleeping, crying etc etc. It was upsetting our DC so much that I decided to take them on our family holiday alone. When I returned he was full of promises of change but I don't feel like I can move past the deceit and his self serving behaviour over the last few weeks. I have a few times told him how I feel but have wanted to try and think about it given how long we have been together and the DC. He doesn't seem to be accepting it and is all over the place. I strongly feel he has untreated mental health issues so this is adding to it.

I want to try and describe an incident from the weekend that's really weighing on my mind.

We were all invited to an extended family party on my side. I decided to go alone to save us all the awkwardness (only me, him and my mum know but it would still have been uncomfortable). In the run up to it he took it fine said he would do something but on the day of the party he fell apart and we ended up running late as he was crying. We came home and he was obviously still upset. That night he had a massive meltdown and was angrily saying that he is always getting dumped and left alone and intermittently crying. He then got dressed and left the house late at night for a walk. I stayed up for while and then ended up ringing him as it was nearly midnight. He cried down the phone and said he didn't know when he was coming back. He blamed my indecision for his feelings and said I needed to leave as I was torturing him and clearly enjoying life without him. He then came back and said he couldn't bare to be without me and was asking for cuddles. Over the last couple of days he's sweetness and light. No apology or acknowledgement of what happened or how upsetting it was. This is a pattern unfortunately.

This isn't a normal way to deal with conflict is it? I sometimes forget who cheated on who!

If its his house and you're not married (and you haven't got any legal arrangement for a share in it/any equity) you're getting nothing out of it if/when you leave, and he can ask you to leave anyway.

Why are you still with this man OP? This is standard manipulative behaviour from The Script. My ex was threatening suicide too, many of them do. It's all about control & stopping you leaving. This is not a healthy environment for yourself or your children.

If you think he is genuinely falling apart, then it may be that he has an underlying personality disorder. Personality disorders can manifest as impulsive cause secretive behaviour, manipulation etc. It doesn't let him off the hook but it does help you to understand why. Either way, his behaviour sounds impossible to live with. He needs help but you also need to be free of this constant pressure.

I can't believe what I'm reading here. Get rid of this abusive creep asap. I do however know how these men can make you doubt yourself and actions when things are so massively histrionic.

My last partner when caught (not cheating but similar) also told me he was suicidal, had mental health issues, please help me. It was a cynical pathetic attempt to keep me as he was a total cocklodger and needed me.

He'd previously been married - years earlier - and despite him cheating numerous times on his wife, was "suicidal" apparently when she left him. It's pathetic.

If you are like me, it is a worry, especially if you have kids. It's likely that he never will do this and it's manipulation. It is of course possible that some of these men may do it. That's tragic for the family but not your fault. I had to have counselling at the time and the psychotherapist spent time convincing me that that was up to him. And that I had to be cold about the possibility in the face of abuse, selfishness, entitlement and general bad behaviour.

5 years later he's still going strong.

Does he genuinely not have anywhere to go?

I would tell him that right now his behaviour is completely unfair and that him not getting help is making you fall out of love with him even more.

Ask him to go and stay somewhere else for a few months and go to the gp and get some help.
If he follows through then you will consider taking him back - but only if he gets the help and stays away from the family home.

You don’t have to mean it but it’s really important not just for you and the DCs but also for him, that he moves out and gets help.

Do you work?
You need to get on the housing list and explain but it can take a long time.
I’m concerned how you’re going to contact them if he’s there all of the time though.

Also he could be being manipulative or he could have genuine MH issues - either way it doesn’t matter because it is not healthy for him to be around the DCs in this state.

I just wanted to come back and add to this thread.

It's over. It has been for some time. He wanted to tell the DC but I've had some work stuff to sort out so I can afford a property. I asked him to give me time to do that but he made so many underhanded comments that they got upset and I had to tell them quite abruptly weeks ago.

Despite all that I'm currently awaiting reference checks for a house back near my family and will hopefully be getting the keys very soon.

He doesn't know. Neither do the DC. I'm keeping it as quiet as possible until I have the keys and will leave as safely as I can.

It's so very difficult at home. He has a lot of holidays left to take before the end of the year so has asked me a few times recently whether I will go away with him for half term. Quite aside from the fact I'm working, we're separated!

He has said that he won't cope with the children on his own and has spent the last few days in tears. He has then quite abruptly asked the children whether they will go away with him. And now keeps bringing it up and asking them when I'm not around. All the children ended up upset at bedtime tonight. The little ones are saying they don't understand why we can't all go away together one last time and the eldest feels like we are teasing them staying in the same house even though we are separating.

I'm staying calm and gently explaining that I would rather have had answers for them when we first told them but I have been trying to sort things out and at some point we will have a house and we are separating so holidays together won't be happening any longer. I just don't know what he's saying and I want so badly for them to be ok.

Any advice please?

Congratulations on being close to escape, op. You're doing the right thing.

And he's not vulnerable, he's emotionally abusive. (Or both). Vile of him to behave like this to your dc.

Just stay calm and don't let him suck you in with his drama. "We're separated, we don't holiday together any more" and repeat = broken record him. Try the grey rock technique of being very non-reactive.

Well done op. Continue being calm and stable with your kids and reassuring them that things are getting sorted but that you and their dad are no longer together so won’t go on holiday together. I also wouldn’t be happy about him taking the kids on holiday until he’s calmed down.

The man is an arse. It is terribly sad if he has mental health issues, what is wrong is that he doesn’t want to do anything about it. However as most things in life, the simplest answer is usually the correct one, he is a manipulative dickhead.

Well done, op. All you can do is keep being there for the dc, keep reassuring them. You are their rock. While your h is behaving so oddly and inconsistently, he's not a good parent. He's supposed to be putting his dc's feelings above his own!

The sooner you are out of there, the better. Then you can focus on getting you and the dc on an even keel.

Don't really matter why your h is acting the way he is; he's a manipulative arse who shouldn't be around your dc. Imagine your relief when you leave him!

Sounds like he is not taking responsibility for his actions and playing the victim. Also, not taking him to events feels like punishment. Can you move on from what he did? If not then perhaps ending it is best.

I finally have the keys to my own house. I picked them up late this afternoon and then had to hightail it to school, come back here and carry on as normal.

Unfortunately ex-p started asking where I had been, whether I had stayed there the whole time etc etc. It was a strange conversation and something didn't sit well. He went out tonight so I took the opportunity to open up my own profile on the family computer and lo and behold he's been checking my emails and Google timeline to see where I've been. My profile isn't visible on Google maps to him anymore so I thought I was safe but he's obviously found a way around it. I've also been safe with my emails but it looks like he's read through everything.

What do I do now? The house isn't ready yet (no utilities or furniture) but I don't know how I can stay here. He can see where I've been today. I don't feel safe.

I'm thinking of picking up the DC tomorrow and just taking them to my mum's for the next few days until everything is sorted. Am I overreacting?

No you're not OP. Trust your instincts. Good luck.

Yeah! They always cry when they get found out. Do not weaken.

FGS he didn't have mental health issues before he was found out did he?

You are absolutely not overreacting. If you don't feel safe, listen to your gut. Get out as soon as you can and stay with your Mum. Your and the kids' safety is the most important thing. Well done for getting a new place sorted, you're so nearly there. Good luck, OP

Awful attempts at manipulation OP It was painful to read and I am glad I am not in your shoes as you clearly have tough decisions to make. He is in no position to dictate a thing here. Stay strong and well.

OP after reading your last message I'm worried. You say you don't feel safe. When partners try to leave it can end so badly. Call your Mum and please get the kids after school and get straight round there. Take essentials with you today (passports, kids uniform and a favourite teddy) just get out. I didn't want to read and run as I'm on my way to work but please, please listen to your gut here xx

Please keep us posted, I'll be thinking about you today x

How are you OP?

Hi.

Thank you for the kind messages. We're at my mum's house and safe. I'm feeling completely drained as he's behaving as expected. Lots of messages not just to me but to my eldest DC too and they are finding this upsetting.

I'm so relieved!
Switch off your phone or at least mute him. How old are the DC? He can't be harassing them. Have you ever reported his behaviour to the police?. I think I'd be digging deep and telling him to leave the kids alone or you'll be reporting him. Anyway, for tonight I'm just really glad to hear that you're safe. I've thought about you all evening. Try to rest and get some much needed sleep. Do keep posting xxx

You've made a brave and essential step today OP. That's bound to be draining xx

He has been my only serious relationship in adulthood so I don't have anything to compare to. I know I find these "episodes" deeply upsetting but the way he behaves afterwards leaves me thinking it's me?
He behaves badly, then acts out his tearful/depressed/suicidal routine because he knows the effect it has on you.
If he was sorry, he would stop behaving badly & acting out.
If you stay with him - this cycle will repeat & repeat until there is nothing left of you but a worn out husk.

He says if he found out I was cheating he would have forgiven me in a heartbeat and he doesn't understand why I can't just talk it through and work it out. It didn't happen to him though did it? That pain is hypothetical and it feels crass to say that to me.
More manipulative bullshit.
You didn't cheat. He did. Planned & cold, on hook up sites ffs.
If I punched you in the face, but expected instant forgiveness because "if you punched me in the face I would have forgiven you in a heartbeat" - does that stop your face hurting, or your fear of me?

He's also decided not to work so he's free to spend his time with me and the DC. One of the DC has told me how uncomfortable they feel around him at the moment (because he cries all the time and alternates happy/ sad so quickly) so this will only make them feel worse too.

It was upsetting our DC so much that I decided to take them on our family holiday alone.
He will sacrifice the peace & comfort of every family member in order to manipulate you all with his Big Sad Act.

He's still at home. Various reasons but the main one being he has fallen apart.
So you are only still with him because of these manipulations?
You say he owns the house - what is your own financial situation, & do you have family who would look after you at a pinch while you worked something out?

When I returned he was full of promises of change but I don't feel like I can move past the deceit and his self serving.
Why should you?
He is making you miserable, He is a cheat, & liar, & so deeply selfish he is prepared to seriously upset the DC to get his own way.
You have to think only of you & the DC now. He won;t kill himself - his act u=is 100% The Script. When he threatens self-harm again, tell him you are not equipped to deal with a psychiatric emergency, & call the police (& his bluff) for a Welfare Check. This is standard, & the police will know about The Script & understand the mill he is dragging you through.