Is this normal?

[Alwayssoconfused]

Hi

Some of you may remember my thread from a few weeks ago, where I discovered my DP had been active on online hook up sites for a number of years.

He's still at home. Various reasons but the main one being he has fallen apart. He was not sleeping, crying etc etc. It was upsetting our DC so much that I decided to take them on our family holiday alone. When I returned he was full of promises of change but I don't feel like I can move past the deceit and his self serving behaviour over the last few weeks. I have a few times told him how I feel but have wanted to try and think about it given how long we have been together and the DC. He doesn't seem to be accepting it and is all over the place. I strongly feel he has untreated mental health issues so this is adding to it.

I want to try and describe an incident from the weekend that's really weighing on my mind.

We were all invited to an extended family party on my side. I decided to go alone to save us all the awkwardness (only me, him and my mum know but it would still have been uncomfortable). In the run up to it he took it fine said he would do something but on the day of the party he fell apart and we ended up running late as he was crying. We came home and he was obviously still upset. That night he had a massive meltdown and was angrily saying that he is always getting dumped and left alone and intermittently crying. He then got dressed and left the house late at night for a walk. I stayed up for while and then ended up ringing him as it was nearly midnight. He cried down the phone and said he didn't know when he was coming back. He blamed my indecision for his feelings and said I needed to leave as I was torturing him and clearly enjoying life without him. He then came back and said he couldn't bare to be without me and was asking for cuddles. Over the last couple of days he's sweetness and light. No apology or acknowledgement of what happened or how upsetting it was. This is a pattern unfortunately.

This isn't a normal way to deal with conflict is it? I sometimes forget who cheated on who!

He is just trying to manipulate you into being involved with him longer than you otherwise would @Alwayssoconfused , and maybe upset that everything isn't going his way.

Make a plan and leave ASAP. You can do it- think how much more relaxing it'll be.

And his behaviour will be damaging your DC.

Just caught up.

Well done @Alwayssoconfused @Newlyseparated2022 . You're doing the right thing by leaving, he sounds dreadful.

You should be able to somehow take him off the location apps etc or any other way of tracing you.

Hi OP,
Just checking in. Hope you all managed to get some sleep last night x

He's a manipulative loser. Get your children away from him. You're a fool for letting him hang around you.

Alright. No need for the name calling. OP has got herself and her kids away. Suggesting she's a loser isn't on. People who have been stuck in emotionally abusive relationships are vulnerable and need support not name calling

Suggesting she's a "fool" that should say

I quite clearly typed "he's a loser".🙄

He's suffering from Poor Me syndrome.

Axolotlquestions

I clearly corrected myself already. You suggested OP was a fool. My point still remains, no need for name calling and eye roll emojis

Thank you for the supportive messages, I really appreciate it.

The update is that we're in our new home. We had a lot of support from family and friends to get here but we're in.

On the downside my ex-partner continues to make things unbearable. I get unpleasant messages and phone calls where he rants about how I left. He couldn't accept that the children were doing ok so turned up outside my mum's a couple of days ago (despite me asking him not to turn up there). I didn't see him but he was in floods of tears which upset the DC and they asked whether they could go back to his the day after. They spent some time there and then wanted to come back here again so I picked them up. They said ex-dp was crying a lot and very sad so they wanted to stay there again today and tonight so he wasn't alone. I keep gently explaining that they're not responsible for his feelings but between the tears and the constant messages to my eldest she is finding it very hard.

One of the children has been having constant meltdowns since he came back and is really struggling and lashing out. I had him sobbing on my knee this morning when ex-dp rang. One of the other DCs answered the phone and he was asking her to ask me about collecting my property from the house. I took the phone from her and he was demanding to know why it wasn't a good time to speak about it then. I rang him back later away from the DC and he continued to rant about me being ridiculous so I told him I wasn't going to discuss it anymore. I also said I didn't want to speak about property in front of the kids but he disagreed and said it was just stuff. We had a brief discussion about what I was going to take and I said I would start moving things out next week when the DC were at school. I then drove the DC there and was getting the little one when the eldest DC started bringing bags out of the house. It turns out that he had bagged my stuff up and was making the DC bring it out to me on the drive. I had a big item of property that I spent about 10 minutes trying to fit in my car on the driveway that I obviously wasn't planning on collecting then. The DC didn't seem overly upset but it can't be good for them carrying my things out of the home can it?! I honestly don't know how to deal with him.

Hi again

Things continue to be very difficult. Ex-dp constantly messages the eldest DC when they're with me so he's constantly present and I can feel DC pulling away.

In the last few days I've been told I'm selfish for taking them away from their "real home", the new house is a dump and will never be home, they hate me and they just want to go home to their dad. We're normally very close so this is quite difficult to hear although I just listen to the big feelings and reassure them that I love them.

I've reassured them that I'm fine and busy when they're not here and at the end of the phone if they ever want me. Is there anything else I should be doing to keep the relationship with DC strong without playing his games?

I feel so, so sad about how this is all panning out. I've parented those children pretty much solo since they were born and along with everything else I've lost in the last few weeks I'm losing them to him because I can't play his games.