Argument with in-laws

[HighLowPiccolo]

Hi,

There was a fall out between DP and in-laws about Mother’s Day this year. DP had said he wouldn’t be able to make it over to see his step-mum on the day but would be over two days later. He sent a message on the day itself.

The following day he had a horrid message from
his Dad. Saying how pissed off and upset step-mum was and not to visit as planned or contact them at all for at least a week. Lots of guilt tripping that they look out for him and this is what they get in return - no idea what this is referring to as he is totally independent and doesn’t have help from them.

Two days later a message from step-mum about how hurt and disappointed she was that he ‘couldn’t even be bothered’ to come and see her and more guilt tripping. Also that she considers him her own son - DPs own Mum is alive and well, he doesn’t regard step-mum as a mother figure. In-laws didn’t check if DP was even ok before assuming he hadn’t come because he couldn’t be bothered.

DP spoke to his sibling who passed on the message that the parents were expecting an apology. Sibling also said they had a similar experience of being told they had ruined Mother’s Day when they visited their bio Mum one year instead of step-mum. Step-mum does have bio children who she also didn’t see that day, but I doubt they got the angry tirade.

On Mother’s Day itself DP was exhausted having just worked 10 days straight. I was newly pregnant with an IVF baby - we’d had scares of bleeding too, so as if IVF wasn’t stressful enough, I would have hoped they would check the worst hadn’t happened before jumping to conclusions. We also had a poorly dog in hospital who was then PTS. My own DM actually came and cooked us dinner that day as we were both so drained!

Since then, I’m struggling to forget what happened and have total disinterest with the in-laws. They seem to have forgotten all about it and are just excited about my pregnancy. I feel protective about DP and find it hard to understand the dynamic he has with his parents - mine would never speak to me as his did, and if in a moment of madness they did, I would have no hesitation telling them to pack it in. DP seems to struggle to be assertive with them, although he hasn’t apologised.

How can I put this behind me? It could be pregnancy hormones but I don’t want anything to do with them at the moment. I’m worried that could come to a head when baby is born and they will understandably want to see us more.

If they feel this possessive over a grown, independent man then you have good reason to be concerned about the baby. Your dh has a mother, why is this woman inserting herself in this way. Your dh needs to put her and his dad in their place. I can see them becoming completely overbearing about the baby and crossing major boundaries.

Reading Susan Forward's Toxic Inlaws may assist. Quite apart from their overt manipulative behaviour they've also done one of the toxic parents usual favourite behaviours; the, "look what we have done for you" so beloved of such disordered of thinking people. Many such parents will attempt to counter any assertions by recalling the wonderful times he had as a child and the loving moments shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

I would be staying well away from both his stepmother and father going forward; this is who they really are and such people do not change, apologise or even accept any responsibility for their actions.

Your man struggles to be assertive with them because he is in a fear, obligation and guilt state re them. He probably also wants their approval; approval neither will ever give him. His dad is his wife's willing enabler and she needs him to do her bidding.

I wouldn't be offering up my dc to appease such twats.
Be very unavailable op.. For a couple of decades.

Imo some grudges are worth holding on to. They don't have your best interests or your mh at heart whatsoever...
Keep your dc well away.

As a Step mother, I neither get or expect even a card from SDD's, although my DD does get one for her SDad, my DH. They have their own mother, who they spend the day with, as it should be. I don't know why anyone would think that SM takes predecence in this case. She sounds batshit, and I would avoid whenever possible.

Putting it behind you, even trying to, would be a big mistake. They’re selfish, dramatic, manipulative people who don’t seem to care about you beyond what you can give them. They’ll get far worse once your baby is here.

I’m so sorry about your dog and wish you every good wish for your pregnancy. I urge you to pull way back from anyone who causes you stress or upset and focus on yourselves and your pregnancy and making life as peaceful as you can.

Another view for Toxic Inlaws.

I'm so sorry about your dog 🙁.

This isn't a good sign at all. They’re selfish, dramatic, manipulative people. I agree with this. We've had similar (but not as blatant) over 'special days' (even though there is a visit, but too late in the day/not enough fuss made etc.) and a lot of other things that point towards the bolded being true. An obsession with what people MUST do on significant days but little regard for the actual relationship itself and the effect these ridiculous outbursts have. I think this is a major red flag - distance yourself from them and really think about what your boundaries are going to be.

Congratulations on your pregnancy 🎉

Has his stepmother ever played a maternal role in his life? I find it very manipulative that she has created a drama about not seeing him when his actual mum is around. Very bizarre.

If they’re already excited about the baby arriving, I’d set some very clear boundaries now, visit when YOU want, not when they want. They don’t get to complain about not seeing the baby or demand that you hand him/her over for stays at their house etc. His stepmother won’t be the child’s grandmother, she needs to take a step back and allow his mum to play doting granny, which she is.

Thank you for all your messages. Thanks also for the congratulations and words about our dog.

When DP was finally told to make contact SM asked how I was, and when DP said I was upset, she said ‘because we told you off?’ I don’t know, I just don’t understand that dynamic. With my own DParents we’re on an equal footing now, all adults. They wouldn’t ‘tell me off’.

I was hoping the thread would say I’m overreacting and need to move on. The way that no one has is giving pause for thought. I’ve been feeling bad about not wanting to engage with them.

Another thing I’ve found hard is them wanting to know the dates and times of all my pregnancy appointments. It hasn’t been a straightforward pregnancy and I feel the pressure to update them quickly when they know exactly what time I’m at hospital. When we had the last scan and then were busy afterwards of course we had chaser messages wanting to know how it went. Could be I’m being a bit sensitive.

No you’re not bring too sensitive, they are still behaving dreadfully by overstepping the mark. Your man and you going forward need to stay away from his stepmother and father, her willing enabler.

I would not willingly if at all engage with them now.
you are fortunate in that you have not seen his dysfunctional family in action but now you are. They will continue to be overbearing as well. They are trying to lay claim to you and your pregnancy.

They sound more batshit with each post, OP.

Your DP needs to start finding his grown-up backbone with them. You need to disengage. Who cares if you ‘upset’ them? Sounds like their preferred state of existence anyway.

Are they retired, bored and obsessive? Or building up to it?

Thanks Attila ironically I was warned they could be very difficult by DP and his sibling shortly after we met. But I went in with an open mind and wanting a good relationship with them.

Actually I’d be tempted to use the Mother’s Day nonsense as ‘the thing we just couldn’t ever get over’ and throw it back at them. And tell them to back right off. And don’t tell them stuff, don’t reply to their intrusive messages.

And sympathies Been there, got the tee-shirt.

SeedsOfLove Retired, yes, but they do keep themselves busy. I don’t want to blame the SM but I think most of the issues are hers, but rather than stand up for his (adult) children, DPs Dad goes along with her tempers.

Thanks SeedsOfLove

Thats exactly how I feel, I just would feel petty bringing it up now. We should have addressed it better at the time but I refused to meet them and DP went alone.

Plan to wind her up by calling by teaching your baby to call her by her first name rather than any variation on ´grandma’ because she’s not actually related. Step parents throwing actual tantrums about mothers’ day/fathers’ day is fucking ridiculous behavior. You can’t demand that your adult step children treat you as a parent.

They have no rights to your dc. And certainly no rights to know details of your pregnancy and appointment schedule!!
I hope they haven't got your mobile number op.
Leave all managing of any sort of relationship to your dp
.

OK, so your message to them, delivered any which way you want, is that you regret not dealing with their Mother’s Day nonsense more robustly at the time, and, on reflection, you realise you are unable to move past it. This is because of other issues that had happened before, and - importantly - continue to arise. Therefore you will be stepping back from the relationship to focus on a peaceful, private pregnancy and the months beyond.

I’d block them for a while to get some peace and sanity back. Tell the sibling you don’t want to hear about it.

Your DP did warn you about them, so he should be on board.

I don't think that my inlaws ever asked me when my appointments were, nor was I expected to give them updates.
In fact, when labour began, we never told a soul, just went to the hospital. The first anyone heard about it was when DP rang everyone to tell them we had DS.

You have the opportunity to create a new normal for you with strong boundaries. Remember you have zero obligation to them to foster any kind of relationship with the baby nor do you ever have to hand the baby over to them for nights or sleepovers.
Get out of duty visits on a Sunday for example. Now baby is here you have your own routine. Christmas, the same. Our first Christmas I saw how DB alternates between inlaws and his own family and never gets Christmas in his own home, so we decided that we stay put, and people come to us. That one worked out really well.

Very weird behaviour by the stepmother but I understand it as DP has very similar problem with his mum and her DP (though it's more his mum than her DP in his case).

His mum always refers to her DP as his "stepdad" when they only got together when he was in his mid twenties. Her DP is a lovely guy but wasn't and isn't a father figure to DP, yet his mum goes on about how awful it is he didn't get a Father's Day card and present etc.

She's now referring to her DP as our son's grandfather. Again he doesn't have any interaction with him let alone grandfatherly (they live miles away and my DP avoids his mum because she's batshit anyway) so it feels all wrong when she posts that stuff on Facebook.

God yes I definitely don’t want them (or anyone really!) being told when I go in to labour and the pressure of updates.

Also can see now is a good time for new boundaries. They won’t meet us out for meals etc, always has to be at their house with them cooking for us. I’m not going to be trudging over there regularly with a new baby, and although it sounds lovely to be cooked for, I always feel like I owe them and would rather it was more equal.

swan Commiserations that you have the same issue. DP does always get her flowers - it’s just such a shame this fallout happened because he dared not to be there on the day itself.

Do not move on from this.

@AttilaTheMeerkat and @SpinningTheSeedsOfLove have given good advice.

Variations of this bullshit will spoil your time with your baby.

Cease all meals and visits.

Cease giving them any medical information, absolutely NONE of their business.

Tell your DP that you have zero interest in being involved with them and will not tolerate any drama in your life going forward from them.

Only have any contact at a bare minimum and only if you really want it, at a neutral venue.

@AttilaTheMeerkat is correct, view this as a real blessing.

You have seen who they are, and have had a real taste of how entitled they are.

You do not want them, and their spoiled entitled behaviour, anywhere near the joy of your new baby.

I strongly suggest you are ruthless in putting them in their place.

If you don't, you WILL be dealing with it around and after the birth when you won't have the energy.

Excellent advice.

Thanks billy this thread has been a bit of an eye opener.

When they specifically ask when the next midwife appointment is, how would you recommend I or DP reply? Even when DP tells them a date, they ask the time too and put it on their calendar so it’s never forgotten.

I don’t disagree with anything that’s been said, just thinking practically how to manage these situations when put on the spot without a big blow up.

We haven’t been to theirs since this happened and have managed to fob them off as we’ve been busy. But they have family visiting from abroad and they’ve already mentioned a big get together for this. Honestly I’m tired and the last thing I feel like is a party, but normally would have made the effort and gone. I just can’t find it in me to put myself out now.

You could always quite easily manage to tell them the wrong dates for you appointments. A couple of days after the real ones. That way they won't be badgering you for news on the actual day. Just lie through your teeth, they'll never know.

When they ask for dates, I presume you're at their house.
'Oh it's next week sometime, can't remember when'

But tbh if you go round less, then they'll know less about you.