Argument with in-laws

[HighLowPiccolo]

Hi,

There was a fall out between DP and in-laws about Mother’s Day this year. DP had said he wouldn’t be able to make it over to see his step-mum on the day but would be over two days later. He sent a message on the day itself.

The following day he had a horrid message from
his Dad. Saying how pissed off and upset step-mum was and not to visit as planned or contact them at all for at least a week. Lots of guilt tripping that they look out for him and this is what they get in return - no idea what this is referring to as he is totally independent and doesn’t have help from them.

Two days later a message from step-mum about how hurt and disappointed she was that he ‘couldn’t even be bothered’ to come and see her and more guilt tripping. Also that she considers him her own son - DPs own Mum is alive and well, he doesn’t regard step-mum as a mother figure. In-laws didn’t check if DP was even ok before assuming he hadn’t come because he couldn’t be bothered.

DP spoke to his sibling who passed on the message that the parents were expecting an apology. Sibling also said they had a similar experience of being told they had ruined Mother’s Day when they visited their bio Mum one year instead of step-mum. Step-mum does have bio children who she also didn’t see that day, but I doubt they got the angry tirade.

On Mother’s Day itself DP was exhausted having just worked 10 days straight. I was newly pregnant with an IVF baby - we’d had scares of bleeding too, so as if IVF wasn’t stressful enough, I would have hoped they would check the worst hadn’t happened before jumping to conclusions. We also had a poorly dog in hospital who was then PTS. My own DM actually came and cooked us dinner that day as we were both so drained!

Since then, I’m struggling to forget what happened and have total disinterest with the in-laws. They seem to have forgotten all about it and are just excited about my pregnancy. I feel protective about DP and find it hard to understand the dynamic he has with his parents - mine would never speak to me as his did, and if in a moment of madness they did, I would have no hesitation telling them to pack it in. DP seems to struggle to be assertive with them, although he hasn’t apologised.

How can I put this behind me? It could be pregnancy hormones but I don’t want anything to do with them at the moment. I’m worried that could come to a head when baby is born and they will understandably want to see us more.

I would probably just say “next week sometime” or similar
If they keep asking ask them why they need to know

First off they are not entitled to your medical appointment information so tell them that, it's private.

Above everything else you really need to simplify the issues at hand and focus on your priorities.

You have gone through hell for this baby, I view IVF as hell having witnessed how tough the process it is.

These people and their demands and drama really needs to be put in its place.

They are not important IMO in the scale of things and all you both have been through.

People who behave the way they do bring nothing to the lives around them.
They sour and poison the lives of those whose lives they inhabit.

They ruin happy times and they bring stress and upset through their huge entitlement to attention, when none was necessary.

I am heading for 60, and like lots of posters telling you to brook no bullshit from these people, we realise that people who create drama add NOTHING to the lives of those around them.

Their entire focus is themselves and their ridiculous needs being met.

You have this beyond precious baby coming soon and yet you are thinking of how to manage these people.

Really sit with that.
All you have been through.
The stress, the process, the fingers crossed.
You have been so blessed with this pregnancy and yet these people are causing drama.
So awful.

Back away.
Don't go near any party.
Do not give them the approval that going will indicate.

@SpinningTheSeedsOfLove correctly suggested that you tell them that you need space after the mothers day drama.

I wouldn't get into any conversation.

I would text that your priority is your pregnancy and staying well. Their behaviour over Mother's day was just TOO awful, TOO upsetting, and wholly unacceptable.

You want space from them and their drama, as your priority is a calm restful environment for the duration of your pregnancy.
As a result you will be taking space.

You owe them nothing.

Your loyalty is to your precious baby, yourself, your partner, your new family.

The happiest, wisest posters are those that are firm on boundaries.

These people couldn't possibly genuinely care about you or your family, creating such completely unnecessary drama whilst you are finally pregnant.

I cannot stress enough how much you will bitterly regret allowing them to have an influence over this precious time, which is so fleeting, and passes in a flash.

These people will NOT change. Please be kind to your husband.

If his dad is like this now he has probably always been like this, and therefore your DH is probably conditioned to accept it. And also he’s probably deeply aware that no matter what he says they will find some way to twist it to being his fault. Professional victims.

It is so painful to have parents who do this. And you want your parents in your life because they’re your parents. But you know they’re manipulative nightmares. So don’t make him feel bad about it. It’s a form of abuse. Just support him. And ask him what kind of relationship he wants with them. If he wants them in his life find a way to make it happen. But do NOT engage with their crazy. You have to let it be water off a ducks back and not rise to the bait. Otherwise it’s going to be non stop arguments.

don’t think you can treat them like normal people. Their goal is to infantilise everyone around them.

so make like a teenager and lie to your benefit. Don’t tell when appointments are (say they’re cancelled, or that you’ve already had it). Can’t go to a special event? Lie. Say you’re sick.

And whatever you do…don’t try to reason with them.

congrats on the baby!

Have you had the conversation about what baby will call her?

Thank you takeitandleaveit forrestgreen and Hoppinggreen those are all helpful responses I would feel able to use.

Thanks also billy1966 although your message felt difficult to read I do understand what you’re saying. I know I can’t let this time be ruined when we’ve had such a difficult journey to get here. I just don’t know if I’m resilient enough to bring the Mother’s Day thing up and block them off now knowing there will be such a backlash. Avoiding them and indifference feels easier to manage. When I first posted I thought I needed to get over this and try to be amicable to them, but am now seeing that’s not the case.

As expected we’ve now had the party invite but with 3 days notice, so that’s easy to decline as I already have plans.

Alopeciabop I will support DP and don’t think he’s at the point of wanting no relationship. DP does still love his Dad, but it’s impossible to have a relationship with just him. SM answers the Dad’s phone, all conversations are put on speakerphone so when his Dad is talking she’s joining in. And since they’ve both retired meeting up is a double act too. DP definitely sees SM as the problem, but I feel his Dad is just as culpable for always siding with her.

knowsmorethansnow No this hasn’t been discussed although DPs sibling has children who call her Nana so I think that will be the expectation. DP & sibling have always used her name, never called her Mum. I’m not sure I can make this a hill I die on though.

The great thing about MN is that you can garner 10 different solutions to a problem from 10 different angles.

Priceless in its value to tease out an issue.

I really think you have a sense of how much you feel up to.

Your well-being during this pregnancy is the priority.

So lie, invent things, avoid, and use subterfuge if it gets you what you want.

Who cares, once you get the end result.

You both acknowledge that they come as a package.

She sounds highly controlling.
Knows well she's not liked, and therefore prevents anyone having even a whiff of a conversation with your partners father.

While being kind to your DP, it is of great value to be honest with him.

You understand and appreciate that he wants a relationship with his Dad, but that he must understand you have no wish for drama in your life that his father and his wife bring with them.

It is very reasonable to say this kindly.

He should see them as much as possible on his own.

I would avoid meals going forward.

You are controlled by her holding the threat of a tantrum over you all.

Kindly meant, but you are not even married, so this woman is really nothing to you.

IMO she is not in any way family to you if you choose her not to be.

Tell as many lies as you like to avoid seeing them as much as possible, do whatever you have to avoid your partners, fathers wife, having any influence and control over your life.

She has absolutely no entitlement to a relationship to YOUR child, just because she married your partners father.

You get to decide this.

Do not allow her to bully her way into your childs life.

Baby is here and you were all right.

We’ve been absolutely bombarded with messages from SM, 2-3 a day until they met baby at one week old. If we didn’t reply, the messages continued and we were even contacted by her daughter asking if we’d left hospital when we hadn’t replied to her asking that question. Just awful.

I had a difficult labour and EMCS in the end, in and out of hospital once discharged. I told SM baby was fine and not to worry, it was me needing treatment. Still questions asking why and what was going on. Had a major argument with DP after he told them I had a catheter and bladder issues after birth. Felt like I had no privacy or dignity left.

When they visited SM asked to hold the baby who was settled in my arms within seconds. AIBU? Not passing baby back when they got fractious. Just said ‘babies are always hungry’?!

And yes, it’s such early days but clearly already an expectation to see us much more frequently now. I don’t want this. I’m otherwise in a newborn bubble and don’t need this stress. I don’t want to lay all the blame at SMs feet but all contact is coming from her, not my DPs father.

Another ‘WTF’ moment was a couple of days postpartum when it was suggested that as I was feeling poorly, DP take baby out in the pram so they could drive over and meet up with him and baby. Is it me or is this seriously odd behaviour?

If you can, please please please get your DH to nip this in the bud. The priority for your three has to be the well-being of you and the baby, not his SM’s feelings.

The pressure and stress of her behaviour - constant contact and questions, not handing the baby back - are so very very likely to cause issues for you, and long-term this is just an indication of how things may be with her for years.

Get your husband to limit the visits (shorter, or only when he’s around), control what happens there, and be prepared to deal with the consequences of saying no. This is about the health of you and your child, not the SM’s “needs”. None of this needs to mean going NC, just speaking up about what is and isn’t ok in an adult family relationship.

Oh I feel so sorry for you, we have an 8 month old and all family/IL’s were so respectful I can’t imagine what it’s like. Talk to your husband and explain what your going to do as he will have to deal with the backlash at first I imagine.
When they ask to meet up say you are busy and suggest a day in the future when you are prepared to meet them. If they keep suggesting other times grey rock them ‘that doesn’t work for us/me.’ If they keep asking for photos/calls etc just message and say you are too busy to keep replying, you’ll send some photos once a day (or whatever.)
Never feel you have to hide what you are doing/seeing. ‘ We are seeing my mum/ DH’s mum/friends/spending time as a family.’ If they whinge ‘yes so many people want to meet baby, isn’t baby lucky.’
And if this doesn’t work go over to theirs and just have it out with them-calmly. Maybe give it a month or two to calm down first from the newborn novelty. Point out it’s your baby and whilst you are glad they want to be in their life you are not there to give constant updates. Let them know you are happy to meet (once a week or whatever you decide.) They will either agree or they will be rude. If they are rude leave with the baby and leave all contact to be via your husband. Don’t answer the door if they turn up. It’s time to be a bit rude/blunt and luckily seems your husband is on side and supportive.
Congratulations !!

Oh OP ☹️

As awful as it is to say, this is the moment your DP needs to choose his loyalty. Is it to you and his baby or is it to appease his batshit SM?

I'm sorry he gave out private medical info but I'm really glad you had a big row about it - you stood up for what's acceptable and he knows in no uncertain terms how you feel.

I think you have to go low/no contact. Crazy SM has forced you into it. You CANNOT have this madwoman spoiling your maternity and bonding period with a new baby. Whatever you do to appease will not be enough so you may as well draw the line and start saying NO.

No I don't want them to come round. No I don't want to see them. No I don't want them to take the baby out. No I don't want to justify myself to crazy people. No. No. No.

And if she asks questions you don’t want to answer (like the catheter etc) just say ‘I don’t want to discuss that with you, it’s a bit personal.’ It’s not rude but it’s blunt. I think that’s how you need to be- very blunt. If the baby is crying and she doesn’t hand him back stand over her with your arms out until she does. Set the rules now or she will be a massive pain in the future. Do you know what you are doing for childcare- will she want to be involved?

His stepmother and her willing enabler of a husband (your DPs father) have form for being rude and or otherwise putting SM's own needs first and foremost. The "normal" rules of interactions with relatives go out the window entirely when it comes to disordered of thinking people like his SM in particular.

Your partner here is going to have to really push back on their demands but can he do this?. I ask as he seems mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt. I can understand him still wanting a relationship with his father but she may well try and cease their relationship altogether. His dad is very much under her influence here and will put her first at his own expense too.

And what MintChocCornetto wrote as well.

Your DP needs therapy like yesterday re his relationship with his father and stepmother. It is not his fault they are like this and he did not make them that way either. At the very least he needs to read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.

Congratulations op! I hope you recover quickly from the labour.
Your dp needs to step into his role of protector of his little family now. You shouldn’t have to deal with stress on top of everything else. A few phrases such as ‘oh no, sorry sm, absolutely no visitors today - we’re getting a routine established and bonding with baby’ etc etc and ‘oh I’m sure you remember yourself, sm, how important it is that mum and baby have some peace after everything…. blah blah blah’.
Then distance yourselves. Set the boundaries. Be kind to your dh- he’ll find it difficult to do at first but impress on him his role in this. It can all be said to her very firmly but in a calm voice and with a smile. If she kicks off, so be it, you’ll have done nothing unreasonable at all. She sounds like a complete looper btw.

"We're keeping the phones on silent so mum and baby can rest after a traumatic start. We'll check them daily, and let you know when we are ready for visitors."

Then mute all the people who take the mick!

Congratulations on your baby's arrival! Hope you are starting to feel better after the CS.

Your SM sounds bloody awful. She does know your Your DP has a mum, right? He needs to nip this in the bud by telling them that you want some space to settle into your new family life and that you'll be in touch when you're ready. Then mute them and invite your actual MIL round.

I mean SMIL.

Many congratulations on your babys safe arrival.

Well done.

Your partner is a disgrace discussing your medical details.

A disgrace.

You need to be looking at packing your bags and going home to your mother.

He clearly has no boundaries, nor respect for your privacy.

He is far more responsive to his father and SM that to the mother of his child.

He is so weak and scared that he will sacrifice you and your wellbeing.

I appreciate that is harsh to read, but it is the truth.

The ONLY thing that works with men like your partner is scorched earth action.

He has betrayed you several times and is not to be trusted with your well-being.

Moving home will mean you are safe from him, his pleasing of everyone EXCEPT YOU, and his awful family.

He needs to choose.

He can't accommodate his father and SM and you.

He needs to decide.

You are giving him the space to decide.

OP, often on here we have women posting how they allowed their partners weakness and desperation to keep others happy, to destroy the first year of the babys life, and they cannot get over their anger.

It sours their relationship.

Prevent this by taking action now.

You deserve better than him and his behaviour.

You do not have to accept this.

Do NOT register the baby and give it, his name and make that decision until you see how this plays out.

You are not married so the baby should have YOUR name anyway IMO.

Mind yourself.

Your DH needs to step it up a gear here and be your support and advocate. Pussyfooting around them to keep the peace is causing you anxiety you don't need. Get DH on board now.

Honestly OP, I would be rethinking your relationship with this man because he comes with a nutjob of a SM and is putting her ahead of you.

Weak men are ten a penny.

You deserve better.

She really is absolutely nothing to you.

You are not married.

She is not a blood relative to your child, yet somehow she is controlling your happiness and souring this time.

Pack your bags and tell him not to come near you until he grows up and sorts his family and shit out.

YOU are NOT tolerating any more drama from his family.

Bit extreme there the last two replies! Just be firm. Some people are very private like you, others would tell the world about labour and catheter etc so I would just be clear with your dp you are a private person including from family. Many people would tell all family and friends about the bladder thing looking for support so I don't agree he's being horrible, he didn't think you would mind.

Congratulations on your new baby OP!

I would block MIL on your phone if I were you and tell her straight - I'm concentrating on me and the baby at the moment and you'll have to speak with DP from now on.

Then DP must get on board and be your gatekeeper. No more "TMI". He needs to learn a few phrases:

"We aren't happy sharing such personal information - all you need to know is that all is well"
"I'm sorry - we're not accepting visitors at the moment - we want to enjoy time as a new family"
"We'll let you know when is a good time for a visit"

As for the Mother's Day crap I'd say you'll need to don some hard hats in readiness for next year. At least you'll know what to expect!

This is all v OTT. I wouldn’t listen to posters like this, OP. Drama llama 🙄

@billy1966 what a load of nonsense. OP just needs to tell the step mother to back the fuck off a bit.