Argument with in-laws

[HighLowPiccolo]

Hi,

There was a fall out between DP and in-laws about Mother’s Day this year. DP had said he wouldn’t be able to make it over to see his step-mum on the day but would be over two days later. He sent a message on the day itself.

The following day he had a horrid message from
his Dad. Saying how pissed off and upset step-mum was and not to visit as planned or contact them at all for at least a week. Lots of guilt tripping that they look out for him and this is what they get in return - no idea what this is referring to as he is totally independent and doesn’t have help from them.

Two days later a message from step-mum about how hurt and disappointed she was that he ‘couldn’t even be bothered’ to come and see her and more guilt tripping. Also that she considers him her own son - DPs own Mum is alive and well, he doesn’t regard step-mum as a mother figure. In-laws didn’t check if DP was even ok before assuming he hadn’t come because he couldn’t be bothered.

DP spoke to his sibling who passed on the message that the parents were expecting an apology. Sibling also said they had a similar experience of being told they had ruined Mother’s Day when they visited their bio Mum one year instead of step-mum. Step-mum does have bio children who she also didn’t see that day, but I doubt they got the angry tirade.

On Mother’s Day itself DP was exhausted having just worked 10 days straight. I was newly pregnant with an IVF baby - we’d had scares of bleeding too, so as if IVF wasn’t stressful enough, I would have hoped they would check the worst hadn’t happened before jumping to conclusions. We also had a poorly dog in hospital who was then PTS. My own DM actually came and cooked us dinner that day as we were both so drained!

Since then, I’m struggling to forget what happened and have total disinterest with the in-laws. They seem to have forgotten all about it and are just excited about my pregnancy. I feel protective about DP and find it hard to understand the dynamic he has with his parents - mine would never speak to me as his did, and if in a moment of madness they did, I would have no hesitation telling them to pack it in. DP seems to struggle to be assertive with them, although he hasn’t apologised.

How can I put this behind me? It could be pregnancy hormones but I don’t want anything to do with them at the moment. I’m worried that could come to a head when baby is born and they will understandably want to see us more.

Absolute nonsense! Pack it in.

This man does have to decide who his loyalty lies with and he needs to choose the OP and his child. He is likely very much torn because of his dad but his dad has and will continue to side with his wife here.

With difficult people like his stepmother it is best not to JADE i.e justify, argue, defend or explain any decision that is made by the OP and or her partner to them.

Haven’t read all the responses here but your posts rang several bells with me, OP.

Your in-laws behaviour sounds very similar to mine - they were demanding, difficult, always taking offence to one thing or another when it came to me and DH - and to cut a long story short, I am now no contact with them and DH speaks to them very rarely.

I am past caring at this point, but it has been painful for my DH. In retrospect, though, I wish we had put up calm boundaries with them earlier, instead of brewing with resentment over various ways in which they’d been unfair/difficult - which inevitably later resulted in a massive row that we never came back from…

So my advice would be to take a breath, and be calm but firm with how you expect to be treated etc and also make sure your partner stands up to them so they don’t view this as all YOUR fault. Not easy when you are exhausted with a young baby I know - good luck! X

DH’s half sister inserts herself where ever the spotlight happens to be and this sounds exactly like your IL SM, with your FIL going along with the tirade she is being excluded (the Mother’s Day thing). People like that are hard work and consuming and you are better off without them.

Harsh as it is to read, I think there is more than a grain of truth in what @billy1966 wrote, whether others agree with it or not.

@HighLowPiccolo - congratulations on the birth of your baby. Now is the time that you have to look after you and your baby. As you've experienced, your other half isn't putting you or your baby first by protecting you from his batshit crazy step-mum. He has, to date, appeased them while sharing your personal information with them. I would have to agree that taking yourself off to your own parent's house (if that works) even for a week or two would be very good for you. For both of you.
He gets to decide whether it's more important to keep providing information to them or to, however difficult and uncomfortable it is to begin with, stop their interference and put you and your baby first and shut them down when they start poking their noses in.

Could you take a bit of a breather and go to your parents place? Think about your boundaries, what is and isn't going to be acceptable going forwards?

I would be in tears at him telling them private information like that (because I was a hormonal mess afterwards) but going to my mum's would have made me feel much worse.

If my husband saw me so upset at that point he'd be mortified and would be making amends.

He needs to politely tell them to back off. Your SM sounds very very strange, tbh.

You also might want your first Mother's Day as a mother to be just you and your little family. Wonder how she'll react to that.

Seriously odd. Best advice is to limit visitors as newborns shouldn't be i exposed to too many viruses.

SM is batshit. Her husband an enabler. You and DP need to set clear boundaries now as it will only get worse. As new parents, your #1 goal is to protect baby. You as new mom need protection as well to heal and bond and learn how to parent. That is the priority, not some unrelated woman's bizarre need to control you.

Can your own mother or sibling help play interference?

You have to put a stop to this, or rather your DP does. She has no rights to you, she was never your dp’s mother substitute. Get your dp to get her to back off or tell him you’ll cut contact. She needs to leave you alone. Don’t allow her to keep the baby when it’s crying, it wants you, it’s mum! She could seriously bring about pnd, don’t let her interfere, you risk a period of real darkness with her around annoying you. Your dp must fend her off.

Your partner needs to decide who’s more important, you and your baby, or his dad and step mother. So far it appears he’s made the wrong choice.

I'd 'break your phone' for a while (block) and tell dh to keep them at a suitable distance. He needs to step up now

Thank you for all the replies.

DP doesn’t find it easy but he is facing up to them. I definitely won’t be ending my relationship over this, he dislikes SM vehemently. Over the last few weeks the ILs have been on the periphery of our lives which has been much better.

It’s the bombardment of contact that has happened since the birth that I’m struggling with now.

I don’t want to be in touch with them once a week, let alone daily or more frequently. I’ve taken myself out of a group chat SM created about our baby (!) so all contact has to go through DP.

We’ve taken advice from when I first posted and simply don’t tell them about some things, they’re oblivious about some appts we have for the baby, because of the OTT interest they had about my pregnancy.

ICanHide I was in tears. So was my DP - only the third time I’ve seen him cry. He does know how much it upset me so I hope it won’t be a mistake he repeats.

I took myself out of a group chat SM created with myself and DP about the baby, because I thought it was odd she’d done that anyway and was sick of the constant pestering messages. She hasn’t messaged me directly since so I think must know it isn’t appreciated? All the messages are going to DP now which is better for me, I just don’t understand why she’s doing it.

This time for you to change your numbers and not update them

@HighLowPiccolo - if your DP can, I think it would send a message to them both if he left the chat too. It would be better for his mental well-being. He can still send them photos and a general update as and when but if he remains in the chat, he's still at their beck and call.

She's doing it to be in control. The mother's day guilt trip was also about control. The reason it seems weird is because her motivation doesn't match her actions. Her motivation (seeming to be) to cement herself as THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON EVER and her actions, which are (most likely) feigning overwhelming love and care for the baby/you/DF.

She's even sent in the flying monkeys!

So yes. A proper talk through with DH about how you manage her level of intrusion is very important. And nothing you decide now needs to be set in stone, you just need to be on the same page for how you deal with her now.

Your stepMIL is crazy. I feel sorry for your with her in your lives...congratulations on the baby.

LookItsMe She switched to messaging DP directly once I’d left her group. We haven’t chosen the baby’s name yet and the latest is a silly message to DP saying make sure we don’t forget to tell them when we’ve decided. Really, like that’s something we would forget to do? Or is it a dig?

wineNcheese Flying monkeys is so accurate! We see her daughter 1-2 times a year max. I think it’s almost rude of her to be getting in touch asking where we were.

The family often seem to go toe the line to her though. DPs brother said he’d better let them visit first, and during said visit, MIL said ‘BIL is really excited about meeting baby, he’ll be over next, I would have killed him if he’d visited before me.’

???
I was flabbergasted and kicked myself afterwards for not asking ‘why?’

It's not almost rude, it is rude!

With the kicking and questioning yourself for not asking why, it's because you're a reasonable and rational person, so it's easy to get flabbergasted and overwhelmed when someone else's behaviour is batshit! Who sees the unexpected coming?

Congratulations on the safe delivery of your baby and I hope your recovery from the EMCS is going well.

I wish you both all the strength you are going to need going forward to get this into some sort of ‘normal’ perspective.

Looking at your posts from the benefit of not being in the eye of the storm, I and PPs can see how totally outside of normality this situation with DP’s SM is. For example, how does the volume of messages, phone calls, etc. your DP’s SM make compare to the number your DM or DH’s own DM makes? Is this a measure that you can use to gauge what normality should look like?

It must feel as though you have fallen down Alice’s rabbit hole into an alternative world where the usual rules no longer apply. She obviously has a total inability to see herself as others do; a SM to your DP not his DM, not your MiL, even if you and DP were married she would still not be your MiL! But here she is trying to make herself the centre of the show. Perhaps read up on narcissism and how to deal with it OP, it could be an eye opener!!

I’m glad to hear that you and DP have put some boundaries in place and hope you were able to implement some of them before your baby arrived. How presumptuous of DP’s SM to create a WhatsApp group and bombard you with messages! Well done for drawing a line. My own DM was very keen to get our PFB to herself; which in itself became a deciding factor for me to BF for as long as possible!! Once the ‘little baby’ novelty stage passed however she lost interest and backed off. I wish you the same luck!

Oh the difference between SM and his DM has been like night and day! His DM insisted her visit would wait until I was feeling better. No bombardment of contact from her. Little things like offering to leave when I needed to breastfeed. I don’t expect or want SM to care about me, but feel like I’m an appendage to the baby now. His DM has shown genuine concern and warmth in making sure I am ok, too.

The more forceful SM is, the more I double down in wanting to avoid her. I’d be happy for his DM to visit when DP isn’t around, absolutely no way that would happen with SM.

I'd make damn sure that I took lots of photos of your new baby with his granny (Your DP's bio-mum) and post them to social media with titles like "DS with Granny" and "Granny loves her little grandson" or similar. Then don't post any with SM. I would fight fire with fire!

If her behaviour changed, I might consider posting a photo of her with your DS but only if her behaviour changed.

Perhaps there will be another fall out and they'll stop talking to you both, it would be a blessed relief!

Wow, she's way OTT! Why on earth does she think she has the right to be so invested in your lives when your partner still has his mum?!
Keep them at arms length!