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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does DH have the problem or is it me?

84 replies

Confusedmaa · 11/07/2022 00:30

My DH is always wrongly accusing me of fancying blokes. I was out at the weekend with lots of work colleagues and DH joined me towards the end of the night. After we had got home he started saying that he could see that I couldn’t keep my eyes off one bloke in particular (he couldn’t be further from the truth). The guy he is referring to is a ladies man and all the girls fancy him but he really isn’t my type. I’m mid 40s and 20something muscle men aren’t my thing. We had had a few drinks and went to bed. We cuddled etc then he said that I smelt of ‘spunk’ and how I was disgusting. I’m heartbroken. I got so frustrated and cried a lot. He says ‘oh I’ve obviously hit a nerve’. I really love DH and really am not really interested in any other men. I’m happy with my life. We’ve had a similar incident today. Been to a family get together / memorial for my dad. My sister apologised to me about a bloke who she sent to help me on a charity fundraiser. I kind of laughed as he was a bit rubbish at the job. When we’ve come home tonight DH asked who was that bloke I was talking about that I fancied and even said that when he was mentioned I winked at my sister. I’m so upset. I feel really frustrated and want to scream. Don’t really know what to do.

OP posts:
Fenella123 · 11/07/2022 00:34

I really love DH
You love someone who behaves like this, OP?
Or do you love an imaginary person who shares some appearance and personality traits with him, but who doesn't say his wife smells of spunk and is disgusting?

Original poster
Confusedmaa · 11/07/2022 00:42

Yep, I do. 90% of the time he is the most lovely man. My friends are jealous of how kind and caring he is. It’s just this little part of him that I cannot stand. Is that enough for me to want to not be in love with him?

OP posts:
OnaBegonia · 11/07/2022 00:44

he said that I smelt of ‘spunk’
Have my first ever LTB, he is beyond vile, get rid!

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 11/07/2022 00:52

It sounds like he’s jealous enough to be pretty emotionally abusive about it. This sounds like a very nasty mean streak to me, and I think you need to tread cautiously.

Jibbajabba1 · 11/07/2022 01:00

I don’t usually comment in this vein, but he doesn’t sound nice. Sounds like gas lighting and emotional abuse - and their accusations are usually a sign of their own guilt - sorry you’re going through this 💐

HappydaysArehere · 11/07/2022 01:27

I don’t know what spunk is but it sounds horrible. Have you been married long? He sounds really insecure.

Bunty55 · 11/07/2022 01:31

He's not kind at all. He wants to control you. Eventually he will stop you from going out alone as he does not trust you, and then he will find other ways of shutting you down to keep you under control, and that is not kind or loving or acceptable

Penguinwaddles · 11/07/2022 01:42

Obviously, this issue needs to be tackled. If he is genuinely lovely 90% of the time then he needs to see a psych as a condition of continuing the relationship. You need to have a full and frank discussion with him in a public place, saying that if he is not careful, he will create the very conditions he is worried about by being so jealous and controlling. And he needs to sort it. This situation will not get better on its own and it his him that needs to change and do the work, not you op.

Frankly though, anyone who called me "disgusting" would have been out on their ear. Perhaps do the Freedom Programme online and read a few Lundy Bancroft books and then reassess what you are going to do.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 11/07/2022 01:43

He is not a nice guy. He is insecure and abusive. First he accuses you of wanting to sleep with every man who comes within ten feet of you. Then he will accuse you of dressing "seductively" to attract male attention. He won't be satisfied until you are wearing a long-sleeved turtleneck and a long skirt - no makeup, no perfume, no bright colors and your hair pulled back in a bun. He will do the food shopping because you can't be trusted not to look at a stock boy with lust in your eyes.
Leave him now.

ouch321 · 11/07/2022 01:53

It's not uncommon that when they accuse you of going behind their back, it's because they themselves are doing it

Kennykenkencat · 11/07/2022 01:58

Is he the one who is playing away

Friends exh was like this. He was the one having the affair.

Why is he so interested in other men.

This would make me angry.

I wonder what he would say if the next time he said you were after some other guy, instead of getting upset you asked him why he stays with you as it must be so humiliating for him to have a wife who fancies every other man than him.
You need to ask yourself why you stay.
Is he only nice when other people are around or when he thinks he is going to lose you

Kennykenkencat · 11/07/2022 02:06

Fwiw friend husband accused her regularly of having torrid affairs with various guys

She too would get upset then one day she said a flick switched in her and it wasn’t the latest accusation that she was having an affair that made her leave him it was the realisation that he took so little interest in her life that he thought she had time when she didn’t have a child at her side to have the affairs.

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/07/2022 02:06

We cuddled etc then he said that I smelt of ‘spunk’ and how I was disgusting

No one kind and caring says this OP. He is not a lovely man, he is a misogynistic controlling man who puts on a good front.

And as PPs say, it may well mean he is cheating. Liars never believe anyone else.

LTB

Aquamarine1029 · 11/07/2022 02:12

My DH is always wrongly accusing me of fancying blokes.

I initially stopped reading there, because I could have guessed the rest. Sadly, my morbid curiosity got the best of me, and I proved myself right.

Op, your husband is a horrific man. Don't even try to bullshit is that he is Mr. Wonderful 90% of the time. He is a vile, women hating pig of a man. It is absolutely astounding that you have stayed with a man who treats you so deplorably. You must leave him and you must figure out why on earth you have allowed him to treat you this way. It's beyond shocking.

beenwhereyouare · 11/07/2022 03:34

@HappydaysArehere
Spunk is slang for semen.

"D"H is absolutely disgusting and possibly dangerous.

FreudayNight · 11/07/2022 05:41

What a horror to have to live with. The reason you’re here is because you know his behaviour has to be kept secret… because it’s awful.

He didn’t smell spunk. He’s lying to you, if he had genuinely thought you were unfaithful he would be long gone. He said that revolting remark to hurt you.

Divebar2021 · 11/07/2022 06:41

Has he always done this or is it new? It’s quite an accusation to throw at someone and pretty cunning because it’s really difficult to prove a non event. I was once accused of being unfaithful because I had a scratch on my bum… how do I prove that was caused innocently? You end up distressed because the accusation is untrue but you can’t persuade them of it. Really that’s the whole point - they don’t want to believe you because it serves them to have you feeling like that. Eventually you’ll find it easier to avoid all contact with other men and maybe your friends because it’s easier. No answers for you I’m afraid but I ended up leaving the boyfriend who I had issues with - his emotional abuse killed off any good parts to our relationship.

PotatoFamily · 11/07/2022 06:42

He’s probably deflecting and cheating or has cheated in the past.

LilyMarshall · 11/07/2022 06:43

He sounds awful.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/07/2022 06:48

I agree with the previous posters. Ugh he is vile, trying to control you.

and I cannot get over the fact that he went out of his way, made all that effort, to cause an argument and upset on the day of your father’s memorial event. I mean, what absolute arsehole would do that? If the other stuff weren’t bad enough, (it is) that would be the love killer for me.

Shinyandnew1 · 11/07/2022 06:51

What a horrible horrible man

Fimofriend · 11/07/2022 06:52

Sign number one if a man cheating is him accusing you of cheating based on absolutely nothing.
You'd better go see a doctor and get checked for STDs.

Redhead37 · 11/07/2022 06:55

Seriously... this will not get better. He is using his insecurities on you, gaslighting and cruel. It made me feel sick reading your post, having experienced similar from my ex. The gut wrenching worry when we went out, eventually just keeping my head down or picking a table to face the wall when we went out. Then once I got out of that relationship, the relief. He has no respect for you, he does not believe a word you say. He is manipulating and and bullying. Even if he only says this 1 percent of the time, the idea is that you worry the remaining time that you are doing something. Don't do it .

Wallywobbles · 11/07/2022 06:55

My ExH was like this when he was having an affair. He's never been faithful in his life. I have no idea why I thought it we be any different with me.

hattie43 · 11/07/2022 06:57

He is very worrying , it's a hop away from physical jealousy and control . Not healthy