Does DH have the problem or is it me?

[Confusedmaa]

My DH is always wrongly accusing me of fancying blokes. I was out at the weekend with lots of work colleagues and DH joined me towards the end of the night. After we had got home he started saying that he could see that I couldn’t keep my eyes off one bloke in particular (he couldn’t be further from the truth). The guy he is referring to is a ladies man and all the girls fancy him but he really isn’t my type. I’m mid 40s and 20something muscle men aren’t my thing. We had had a few drinks and went to bed. We cuddled etc then he said that I smelt of ‘spunk’ and how I was disgusting. I’m heartbroken. I got so frustrated and cried a lot. He says ‘oh I’ve obviously hit a nerve’. I really love DH and really am not really interested in any other men. I’m happy with my life. We’ve had a similar incident today. Been to a family get together / memorial for my dad. My sister apologised to me about a bloke who she sent to help me on a charity fundraiser. I kind of laughed as he was a bit rubbish at the job. When we’ve come home tonight DH asked who was that bloke I was talking about that I fancied and even said that when he was mentioned I winked at my sister. I’m so upset. I feel really frustrated and want to scream. Don’t really know what to do.

He is controlling. He sounds pathetically insecure. Put your foot down before this gets really bad.

Your friends think he is great because he deliberately only abuses you when you are alone, he needs to look perfect in front of others so they'll tell you how great he is, putting your memories of the abuse into question. Your own family and friends will gaslight you for him!

He's kind and caring but accuses you of dancing every man and ruins all your nights out?

I didn't stand for that at 17, why are you?

*fancying

My ex husband was like this. Turned out he had cheated and realised he got away with it and then got paranoid I would do same back.

He sounds unhinged and frankly revolting. The worst thing it that he's got you thinking it could be you who has the problem. You really do need to shut this down and/or get away from him. Talk to people IRL, don't be ashamed, you've done nothing wrong at all, but you need to start seeing this for the serious DH problem that it is, not anything in your behaviour. Tell your sister, start to get your head around how fucked up it is, and then work out how to deal with it. Not at the time when he's saying these horrible things, but have a proper conversation where you lay out that you won't be putting up with it any more. Sure there'll be book recommendations and more advice on here (other than Leave The Bastard). People often recommend a Lundy Bancroft book called Why Does He Do That?

Your DH has the problem.

I would give him one chance to sort it out or leave.

This man sounds vile.

Why would you stay with a man who behaves in this way?

He is controlling, insecure, paranoid and uses disgusting language.

You really have to be a self-centered, pathetic type of human being to make a scene after your partner has just had a memorial for a dead parent...

He is not ''the most lovely man''. Re-read what you have written and see him for who he really is.

My ex was like this, turns out he was a filthy little cheat and judged everyone else by his own very poor standards.

We broke up in 2005 and even now I sometimes start to justify my behaviour around men or where I have been to DH and he is🙄😂 because he loves me and trusts me, he judges others by his own impeccable standards.

How long are you going to cry for?
You should be telling your dh to fuck off.
His behaviour is because he knows deep down that those other men are better than him because he really is the lowest of the low.

Get angry, get rid.

I just cannot imagine a world in which my husband tells me that I smell of spunk and that I am disgusting.

Same, and my husband is nothing to write home about! This is not normal or acceptable.

LTB!!!!!!!!!!! Red flags all over the place. This is abuse.

Sounds like morbid jealousy (jealous delusions). He needs a psychologist.

Please leave him.
It gets much worse and there is nothing you can do or say to change it. It is nearly impossible to prove a negative ie I didn't look at him, leave the house, have sex etc etc
He has uncontrollable jealousy issues and lies to you to keep you scrabbling to please and placate him.
End it by text and immediately block him. He will insist you are having an affair and he was right all along and could get nasty and aggresive.

What a vile and disgusting shit of a man. He does not really believe this nonsense, he is doing this to distress and control you. I hope you find it in you to leave him, he is a horrible psychological bully.

He is an abusive bully. He only abuses you in private.

How other people view the relationship from the outside, doesn’t reflect what the marriage actually is.

I would bet my entires years salary that he has cheated or is at least attempting to cheat. It’s possible he simply hopes to stop you socialising at all with anyone. You will avoid going out where there could be men to appease him and try and stop his behaviour. Then he will do the same so you start acting different in other areas. and in a few years you won’t recognise yourself.

But I would bet he is both a cheat and an abuser. This behaviour escalated. It’s doesn’t stop.

He only does this when he’s had a drink. He doesn’t do any of the the things described here. It’s just these accusations. I always make it clear that I am my own person and I will do what I like. I’m reluctant to give up on him just like that. We’ve been together 25 years and this is only a recent thing. I think he’s depressed. He has a pretty low opinion of himself at the moment and he thinks I deserve better. He’s probably right but I know he could be so much better if he made the effort.

I would almost guarantee he’s cheating on you, hence the accusations he’s making against you.

What a demeaning and degrading thing to say to anyone, let alone your wife.

90% of the time, so every month he is vile to you 3 days?

You deserve better.

If he behaves like this when drinking then he needs to stop drinking for a start. It lowers inhibitions. But it’s not an excuse to act like an arse.

It's highly likely that he's cheating on you, sorry op.

If he doesnt make the effort, of course you could do better.

if it is only when he drinks he becomes an arsehole, why doesnt be atop drinking?

"""He only does this when he’s had a drink"""

Oh well. That's ok then. You only smell of another man's spunk when your partner is pissed.

Nice

Your friends aren't jealous of your relationship. They might be jealous of the relationship you portray to the outside world. I'll bet if they heard him telling you you're disgusting and smell of spunk they would immediately change their opinion of him and advise you to leave him, and quickly.

If he 'only' does this when drunk, why does he get drunk? If by drinking I knew I became a disgusting, controlling, offensive monster, I wouldn't drink any more.

But the truth is, he might only say these things when drunk, but they are in his head all the time. He doesn't respect you enough to trust you. Once drunk, once his guard is down, his default position is to be offensive and critical of you. He sounds vile and I don't know how you can stay with someone who has such a low opinion of you.

And beware - often people project, and accuse their partner of affairs when they themselves are having one or have had one or are tempted.

You deserve better than him. Your husband should show you love and respect 100% of the time, not 90%. 90% is pretty low. If your friends knew the real him they would feel sorry for you and beg you to leave.