Does DH have the problem or is it me?

[Confusedmaa]

My DH is always wrongly accusing me of fancying blokes. I was out at the weekend with lots of work colleagues and DH joined me towards the end of the night. After we had got home he started saying that he could see that I couldn’t keep my eyes off one bloke in particular (he couldn’t be further from the truth). The guy he is referring to is a ladies man and all the girls fancy him but he really isn’t my type. I’m mid 40s and 20something muscle men aren’t my thing. We had had a few drinks and went to bed. We cuddled etc then he said that I smelt of ‘spunk’ and how I was disgusting. I’m heartbroken. I got so frustrated and cried a lot. He says ‘oh I’ve obviously hit a nerve’. I really love DH and really am not really interested in any other men. I’m happy with my life. We’ve had a similar incident today. Been to a family get together / memorial for my dad. My sister apologised to me about a bloke who she sent to help me on a charity fundraiser. I kind of laughed as he was a bit rubbish at the job. When we’ve come home tonight DH asked who was that bloke I was talking about that I fancied and even said that when he was mentioned I winked at my sister. I’m so upset. I feel really frustrated and want to scream. Don’t really know what to do.

If you think his controlling, coercive, jealous ways are only 10% negative for you, then there's no real major problem. Why post about it , if its such an insignificant issue?

If a man of mine told me I smell of spunk from another man, he'd be out the door so fast he wouldn't know what was happening

But as its not much of a problem for you (10%) then crack on

He's a cheat and projecting. The spunk comment is vile. You need go get rid of him. I would never ever let anyone talk to me like that. Raise your standards.

Abusers can be nice sometimes because if they were not no one would want to be with them. His nice/nasty cycle of abuse towards you is a continuous one. And how

He isn’t nice he’s emotionally abusive , and trying to control you.

did you ever arrive at a figure of 90% “nice” for him because this seems to have been plucked out of thin air.

Abuse like this thrives on secrecy and your friends are not married to him. Time to bust this wide open now and start opening up to trusted others also like Womens Aid about his abuse of you. Such men too hate women and all of them.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You are also not some sort of rehab centre either for such a badly raised man.

He sounds psychotic and insecure. Very immature too. Get rid! How dare he keep speaking to you like that. I hope you know your worth and LTB.

Smelled of spunk! That’s fucking cruel!! If my partner had said that to me my jaw would have hit the floor and I don’t think I’d be able to speak for ten minutes out of poor shock!!! That is one of the cruelest things I think I’ve heard on here, that would massively hit a nerve with me, ESPECIALLY more so if I actually wasn’t cheating!

There is so much wrong with his behaviour I don't know where to start.

You don't love him, you love what you want him to be.

He started an argument after you'd been to a memorial for your Dad!! Do you not see just how disrespectful and awful this is? He should be supporting you during a difficult time and he starts on you the minute you get home

This man is highly, HIGHLY abusive op. Please speak to someone about removing yourself from Thai relationship. Take this from someone who knows it will never get better

Was he always like this? There’s a level of paranoia and imagining things that’s troubling and he could be having some serious MH issues. If it’s a change, has there been a big increase in stress?

This is abuse. Love bombing then insults = classic abuser.

I really love DH

Why do you live someone who is so very unpleasant to you? Anyone can be lovable when they are in their best behaviour, you see what a person is really like.

I honestly advise you to run, run as fast as you can from a man who claims you smell of someone else's slunk. Thanks just horrible.

Of course you don't smell like that. Why would someone say that in normal life. He is really not pleasant.

Absolutely. Get rid and claim your life back.

Won't be long till he's going through your phone looking for evidence and stripping you of privacy. How long have you been together?

There's a pattern here. Whenever you are not centring him, he accuses you of cheating to 'punish' you. How dare you have fun with your colleagues or celebrate your dad's life?

It's abuse and you should leave.

Any have a look at the freedom programme

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk

And the 'why does he do that' from Lundy Bancroft

https://lundybancroft.com

Good luck

My ex was just like this. I even got accused of fancying his dad. I used to dread coming into contact with men as I'd get a grilling and insults. I used to try to not make any eye contact or get involved in conversation when we were out. Then I stopped going out at all with him. Was just easier. Then found him following me while I was out with friends. It never got easier, this was something that got progressively worse over the course of the relationship. It's soul destroying.

Over 25 years since we split and I still walk around with my head down

This really is dreadful and emotionally abusive. I agree with other PP's , this will not get better and it is more likely to escalate. I know it's hard when you're in the situation but try and step back and imagine what you would think should a friend be in this situation, you would likely be horrified. Just in case you need to hear this, you have done nothing wrong and you deserve much better than this.

Why do your friends think he is so kind and caring? Does he come and pick upi up from a night out to check that you are where you say you are? Does he integrate with your family and friends groups so that you're less likely to be out on your ownn? Does he ask all about your day and what you've been doing to keep tabs on your movements? Is he kind and thoughtful to everyone else so they think he's a 'nice' man and that any problems are therefore down to you--?

I suppose what I'm saying is that actions that look kind and caring can also be interpreeted in other ways. What do your friends have to say about his irrational jealousy and his unkind and uncaring behaviour towards you? Or do you not tell them, thereby keeping alive ^his^ projected image that he is kind and caring?

I suspect there's a lot more coercive behaviour going on here OP. Is there more?
His reaction is way beyond normal. He's training you to behave in a certain way and will punish and isolate you when he wants to.
This is worrying behaviour.

So my dh started as yours is now.

He ended up:
Having sex with me before I went out, so I 'was full of his cum'
He'd check the mileage on my car to prove I'd only been to work
He's constantly check my phone
He's open my mail
He'd tell me what to wear (I couldn't wear skirts to work)
He'd force me (coerced) into having the type of sex I hated
He'd accuse my friends of things, so I'd have to cut contact
I wasn't allowed to socialise at work because I 'fancied so n so'
Then I wasn't allowed to socialise outside of work work because I fancied 'so n so' or one of my friends had 'done something' or they were a 'slag' and he didn't want me to get that reputation as well
Then there's the financial abuse and finally the physical abuse

People were gob smacked when we separated, everyone thought he was a fabulous guy and we were 'two peas in a pod'

The list goes on, this is what you've got to look forward to op

I just cannot imagine a world in which my husband tells me that I smell of spunk and that I am disgusting. How can you go onto to say he is 90% lovely when he has just said something so vile to you. Your husband has no respect for you and he doesn’t love you, he just thinks he owns you. What you need to do is get this horrible man out of your life and find somebody that respects you.

This is paranoid psychotic behaviour. You are not safe with this man.

My friends are jealous of how kind and caring he is. It’s just this little part of him that I cannot stand

I had one like this, my friends & family envied how adoring and lovely he was. Behind closed doors he started to be emotionally abusive. I thought I could reason with him, would get upset at his accusations but nothing worked.

It escalated over the years and I realised that he was highly controlling and each incident was designed to put me in my place. Each abuser will have a trigger - perhaps he saw you out with friends and being "successful" and happy. He then had to find a way to spoil your happiness and get an emotional reaction from you.

End result - your evening spoilt and you're an emotional wreck, posting on MN, asking if it's you! It really really isn't.

Whilst you process this and learn about emotional abuse (read Patricia Evans & Lundy) don't react to his outlandish claims. This is the response he is seeking - he wants you to be upset as it soothes his feelings of lack of control/insecurity.

I loved my ex H. He even went to counselling for a year but his reactions were hard wired (childhood trauma) and he wasn't able to change. In fact, counselling made it worse.

This sort of abusive behaviour thrives on secrecy Op, he behaves horribly but everyone else sees him as a good guy. Too many women keep it secret out of loyalty but it only makes it worse. Don't let him shut you down, make it plain you won't tolerate this and won't keep his nasty behaviour to yourself

You can’t win with this. It’s his problem. You could try counselling before chucking in the towel but I don’t think there’ll much hope.

I’ve also experienced this and trust me, it gets worse, as per @BackToTheTop ‘s post above. Insecure men don’t suddenly become less controlling, if anything they double down as time goes on.

If you fail to draw a hard line now and get him to acknowledge and address the issue, he will destroy your happiness and mental health. You will lose all sense of yourself whilst bending over backwards and altering your behaviour/appearance/friendship groups/social life to please or appease him (spoiler alert: you will never succeed, and everything that inflames his anger and insecurity will automatically be your fault).

It’s a type of crazy that can suck you right in if you love a person and want to make things work, and it’s only possible to see how irrational his (and your own) behaviour has become once you’ve stepped outside of it. This is what’s in store for you, OP, if you don’t nail this shit right now. And if ‘you smell of spunk’ is his starter for 10, you’re in for a hell of a ride. What a cunt.