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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I believe my husband is cheating

119 replies

Meklk · 10/07/2022 23:53

Hi!
We are together 15 years (6 married). Have 3 years old child.
I just can't understand what's going on with my husband. I'll give you some facts, please tell me I'm not an idiot, I really think he has other women from his workplace...
*he constantly telling me about his female collegue (she helps him, she supports him, she is nice, etc.)
*I constantly find some black hairs at home (she is brunette), I'm blonde, so definitely not mine
*he became more nervous at home - one minute he can laugh with me, another - doesn't want to talk to me
*he spends A LOT money - taking cash (despite the fact that he HATES cash and pays everywhere with card), every day when he works he spends around £15 at the corner shop next to his workplace (workplace providing all meals and drinks, he doesn't smoke)
*he is attached with his phone, I managed to unlock it but couldn't find any evidence, he is quite good with computers, etc, I'm pretty sure it's hidden app or something as he switching off the phone every single time I'm next to him
*We have family laptop and he removed his email log in details from there
*he has very high sex drive and he is very good in bed but I noticed he doesn't want to kiss me anymore or cuddle, only sex and done.
*he started to complain about homemade food - I'm cooking the same 15 years and definitely didn't change any recipes, he used to love my dishes.
*he avoids eye contact with me
*sometimes he is doing late shifts, coming home around 2-3am and sits downstairs in the kitchen until 6am in the morning. When I asked him why - he said he wants to relax
*he tries to avoid any public appearance with me or our child
*and the last one - yesterday I took a shower and after I finished, I noticed that he left with our child (without telling me!), I was so confused, called him, text him, he replied back after an hour and blamed me that it's my problem, he just wanted to take our child to playground and I was taking shower too long. I tried to ask our child, he is only three and all he managed to tell me that "daddy was talking over the phone".
What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Meklk · 12/07/2022 21:02

I'm feeling devastated :
*I can clearly see he has another women and totally lost interest in me
*He knows I have a hard time, my dad is very sick, so I need to send some money for him, I'm counting every pound, I can't remember when I treated myself with something and he spends that huge amounts of money....
I know he is on his way home and I don't want even to see him....

OP posts:
Original poster
Meklk · 12/07/2022 21:03

And thank you for your messages, I really appreciate your time and effort to help me.

OP posts:
CornishTiger · 12/07/2022 21:24

Get a copy of your credit report it’s free and really easy through MSE credit club.

Id check title deeds for any charges applied for too

BetterFuture1985 · 12/07/2022 21:26

I'm sorry to break it to you but taking out cash regularly in those kind of amounts (£50-100) sounds like a prostitute user to me.

Lex345 · 12/07/2022 21:36

BetterFuture1985 · 12/07/2022 19:36

Reminds me of my ex-wife's face when she counter accused me of cheating, as cheats are prone to do. I handed her my unlocked, unfiltered and unmanned phone to her and said "take as long as you want, as long as I can look at yours." 😂

Needless to say, she did not hand over her phone. She got notification of divorce from my solicitor about a week later. I didn't bother telling her myself.

Show quote history

Good for you. I understand the need for privacy, but I have always thought that if you truly have nothing to hide you would be happy to hand over a phone to reassure your partner.

BetterFuture1985 · 12/07/2022 21:50

Lex345 · 12/07/2022 21:36

Good for you. I understand the need for privacy, but I have always thought that if you truly have nothing to hide you would be happy to hand over a phone to reassure your partner.

Show quote history

I don't really think partners - proper ones - need secrets. Although I had great fun planning the divorce and timing it absolutely right (waiting for my SAHM ex to finish getting qualified and finally getting a job when youngest turned 6) to minimise the "needs" she had from the assets. Solicitor said if I'd done it immediately she would have gotten 80% of the assets and spousal maintenance for a couple of years but by waiting 2 years she only got 60% and was laughed out of court when she asked for spousal maintenance.

SpaceGoatFarm · 13/07/2022 09:12

If you have a suspect and access to his phone, delete and block the suspects number, then add your own number or a new cheap burners number under her name, wait for him to text/call you.

shakingmytambourineatyou · 13/07/2022 09:16

SpaceGoatFarm · 13/07/2022 09:12

If you have a suspect and access to his phone, delete and block the suspects number, then add your own number or a new cheap burners number under her name, wait for him to text/call you.

Gosh, that's good.

BetterFuture1985 · 13/07/2022 09:17

SpaceGoatFarm · 13/07/2022 09:12

If you have a suspect and access to his phone, delete and block the suspects number, then add your own number or a new cheap burners number under her name, wait for him to text/call you.

Ooh, sneaky. I like it. Unfortunately most cheats these days know to lock their phones though.

Fab018 · 13/07/2022 10:06

Does he have a car with built in sat nav, could you check destinations?

BetterFuture1985 · 13/07/2022 10:22

Fab018 · 13/07/2022 10:06

Does he have a car with built in sat nav, could you check destinations?

This can work but normally destinations are quite easy to delete. What he cannot delete however is good old fashioned mileage. If he goes out in the car claiming to go to a destination with a round trip of 20 miles and then does 40 miles that day, you know it's worth investigating further.

JustKittenAround · 13/07/2022 10:31

SpaceGoatFarm · 13/07/2022 09:12

If you have a suspect and access to his phone, delete and block the suspects number, then add your own number or a new cheap burners number under her name, wait for him to text/call you.

Next level right here. I gasped !

HandyAndy89 · 13/07/2022 10:46

Meklk · 11/07/2022 08:26

He had gambling problems in the past. Yes, I could believe he is taking cash for it. But he spends daily amount of money for something else too. I managed to check his statement and every single day when he is at work, he spends around £20-£25 at the corner shop next to his workplace (statement shows the shop name and location). And I'm pretty sure it's not a lunch food because he is provided with lunch, coffee and soft drinks at work.

CASHBACK. He is using the corner shop and getting cashback to gamble with. It’s a very easy way to cover up the fact he is gambling, especially when you can pay on card at all bookies. It’s the most realistic reason anyone spends £20/£25 a day in a corner shop unless it’s alcohol or he smokes 40 a day.

shoebag · 13/07/2022 11:02

Could it be drugs??

cottagegardenflower · 13/07/2022 11:07

Scratchcards from the local shop I would say, so gambling also high on the list. Not much you can buy from a corner shop relating to an affair?

JustKittenAround · 13/07/2022 11:08

I’ve seen cash back as a way to get money for hotels and such over time.

Your man isn’t very bright in any case. I’d start to get ready mentally to trash him. He is so very transparent.

you deserve better. I’m sorry he’s doing this to you!!!

cottagegardenflower · 13/07/2022 11:10

A tracker on his car? not too expensive.

Greenstar22 · 13/07/2022 11:44

@SpaceGoatFarm Genius!!

nzeire · 13/07/2022 12:03

I hope you have a friend you can chat to about this, it sounds really confusing and upsetting :(

BetterFuture1985 · 13/07/2022 12:07

cottagegardenflower · 13/07/2022 11:10

A tracker on his car? not too expensive.

A legal grey area. You can track a car you own, but if it's solely owned by him you can't. I would generally recommend people don't do this, especially men. Men tend to get labelled as controlling when they do it; women get away with it a bit more but they are still entering grey legal territory.

something2say · 13/07/2022 12:13

How are you today op?
How are you feeling about your own future?

humancalculator · 13/07/2022 12:53

Yes OP, you (and we!) are very focused for the moment on figuring out for sure what he's doing (some amazing sleuthing tips here!). However I'm worried about the potential impact on you of this situation - sadness, anger, bewilderment and heartbreak - especially if you're feeling somewhat alone because your family is elsewhere. Your trust is shaken and it's clear you're feeling hurt. I hope you have nearby friends in real life to discuss this with, but at a minimum we're always here.

It's a difficult and scary topic, but it's worth thinking strategically about what the impact for you might be of whatever you find out. Many PP have suggested classic ducks-in-a-row stuff - I think this is important, and whatever the outcome it's always useful to know where you stand financially and to prepare yourself for any future (e.g. own bank account with sufficient funds to live on for a while if necessary, and not accessible by him).

Stay strong.

Happy40something · 13/07/2022 13:20

Hi , my heart goes out to you . I found out my husband was cheating by putting a voice recorder into his car . You can put it under the seat and you'll hear very clearly both of them talking . It does sound like he is having an affair. A woman's gut feeling is very rarely wrong . I wish you the very best . You can P.M. me If you want xxx

CBlondie88 · 13/07/2022 13:51

Wow that's genius, wish I used that one!!!

CBlondie88 · 13/07/2022 13:54

Does he have his phone linked to the car via Bluetooth? This was one of the forst things I noticed when i had my suspicions, hubby always used to have his mesages calls etc come through the car and one day it was trying to pair with my phone instead and i instantly knew my gut was right

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