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Original poster

I believe my husband is cheating

119 replies

Meklk · 10/07/2022 23:53

Hi!
We are together 15 years (6 married). Have 3 years old child.
I just can't understand what's going on with my husband. I'll give you some facts, please tell me I'm not an idiot, I really think he has other women from his workplace...
*he constantly telling me about his female collegue (she helps him, she supports him, she is nice, etc.)
*I constantly find some black hairs at home (she is brunette), I'm blonde, so definitely not mine
*he became more nervous at home - one minute he can laugh with me, another - doesn't want to talk to me
*he spends A LOT money - taking cash (despite the fact that he HATES cash and pays everywhere with card), every day when he works he spends around £15 at the corner shop next to his workplace (workplace providing all meals and drinks, he doesn't smoke)
*he is attached with his phone, I managed to unlock it but couldn't find any evidence, he is quite good with computers, etc, I'm pretty sure it's hidden app or something as he switching off the phone every single time I'm next to him
*We have family laptop and he removed his email log in details from there
*he has very high sex drive and he is very good in bed but I noticed he doesn't want to kiss me anymore or cuddle, only sex and done.
*he started to complain about homemade food - I'm cooking the same 15 years and definitely didn't change any recipes, he used to love my dishes.
*he avoids eye contact with me
*sometimes he is doing late shifts, coming home around 2-3am and sits downstairs in the kitchen until 6am in the morning. When I asked him why - he said he wants to relax
*he tries to avoid any public appearance with me or our child
*and the last one - yesterday I took a shower and after I finished, I noticed that he left with our child (without telling me!), I was so confused, called him, text him, he replied back after an hour and blamed me that it's my problem, he just wanted to take our child to playground and I was taking shower too long. I tried to ask our child, he is only three and all he managed to tell me that "daddy was talking over the phone".
What do you think?

OP posts:
WaveyHair · 11/07/2022 09:14

Not sure how gambling would take so much time on a phone. Do you have 'lost my phone' tracking setup for each other?

If you have access to his phone & accounts you might be able to retrieve deleted history. Worth a google. History can be set to clear every time the phone is restarted.

Original poster
Meklk · 11/07/2022 09:15

I have no idea about scratchcards....
I have a gut feeling it's his work colleague-the same hairs, he is talking A LOT about her, she was on holiday for two weeks and he was so sad and in bad mood. The day she came back to work - he looked like he won a million.

OP posts:
cafcass123 · 11/07/2022 09:16

Probably using secret messenger/conversation, or whatever it's called, from Facebook Messenger. You could check to see if secret conversation has been activated on his device and I think it displays the last time it was 'seen' on that device.

cafcass123 · 11/07/2022 09:20

You think the hairs are near the laundry because they are on his clothes? Wouldn't he have noticed the hairs?

Original poster
Meklk · 11/07/2022 09:23

Hairs definitely are off his clothes. She has long, straight black hairs. I don't have any family member or friend or colleague with this kind of hairs... As I mentioned, she was on holiday two weeks and I didn't find even a single hair at home these 14days.

OP posts:
Blowthemandown · 11/07/2022 09:24

Lottery tickets
scratch cards
I think there’s maybe a gambling issue
and yes, he’s acting suspiciously and might be starting something with the colleague
Not sure what to suggest other than a private investigator although it might be overkill

Original poster
Meklk · 11/07/2022 09:27

I can't afford private investigator at the moment... The only idea I have - to make him drunk (he sleeps like dead then) and again try to search his phone....

OP posts:
rhowton · 11/07/2022 09:33

Best thing to do it to go on to the settings on a iphone and click on battery. It will tell you the app that uses the most battery and will be the one he is on most of the time.

Bookworm20 · 11/07/2022 09:37

Doesn't sound good.

Could he have a burner phone and the money he is spending at the corner shop is top up credit for it?

You found nothing on his phone, but he could have an identical burner phone?

I think the best thing you can do right now is not tell him you think anything is amiss. Try really hard, because as soon as he thinks you suspect anything he will hide it twice as much. he will slip up though eventually.
Do you have a car? When hes working late can you drive to his work and see if hes actually there? Can you contact him at work, you could use dc as an excuse, ie they seem unsettled and you're worried etc as an excuse to call and check hes there.

If you have access to his phone, if its an iphone, you can check if things are being deleted and also what apps he has spent time on by looking in the screentime section in settings and then in 'all activity'. It breaks it down by day and shows how long spent on what apps and also what websites are visited.

Gotmynewshoes · 11/07/2022 10:11

I think there is definitely something wrong here. Tou are probably right about the colleague given his moods and the hairs and lack of when she was away. Maybe confronting him with evidence (if you ever find it) will shock him into stopping. Maybe not. Are you able to ask him if anything is going on and believe the answer he gives? Can you support yourself and your DC? I know you want hard proof so that you have clarity, but maybe it's best to come up with a plan so that you can extricate yourself from this relationship. I'm sorry you have this worry.

NeverFlyCoach · 11/07/2022 10:23

I'm leaning more towards gambling or secret debt than an affair. But you definitely need to talk to him.

ArabellaDrummond · 11/07/2022 10:38

OP, I was once the OW and I am 95% sure that your DP is having an affair with the woman at work.
He may have made another email account to speak to her and only logs into it through Google instead of the app.
Check how many calculator apps he has on his phone, you can get a secret calculator app.

If you can’t find anything at all I would just confront him. 💐

BorisJohnsonsHair · 11/07/2022 10:47

Can you actually go to the corner shop and spy on him one lunchtime?

rahjama · 11/07/2022 10:51

Yes, check his screen time in settings. You can see what apps and websites he is spending the most time on.

rahjama · 11/07/2022 10:52

^ if he has an iphone

Greenstar22 · 11/07/2022 11:52

Can you go to the cornershop and watch from a distance? Can you find out more a out the work woman? If he's doing overtime is he going to her house? Could you follow her from work and find out where she lives?

I wouldn't tell him you suspect or he will cover his tracks even more

Kellogsss · 11/07/2022 12:00

I would call the shop and ask what he is buying from there.

pumpkinpie01 · 11/07/2022 12:25

Definitely up to no good , I know hiring a private detective sounds dramatic but my friends brother is one and it's surprising how little it costs and how quick he can find the evidence .

Original poster
Meklk · 11/07/2022 13:02

I have no idea where she lives... We are all from London so that corner shop has thousands of people passing during the day...

OP posts:
Greenstar22 · 11/07/2022 13:24

Do you know her name? Could you get some information on her through social media? I would follow her from work, she probably doesn't know what you look like. Once you know where she lives you could drive past now and again and see if you spot your dh car.

Samarie123 · 11/07/2022 13:31

My ex H always spoke about a woman from work and when I confronted him about it jokingly in conversation he told me she’s not interested in men and likes women. This I later found out was a complete lie!

I caught him out when I went through his itemised phone bill that was linked to my account. I typed the number he kept calling in to WhatsApp- and guess who’s picture came up? Yep to so called lesbian!

questionthyme · 11/07/2022 13:33

What will you do if you find evidence he has been cheating?

BorisJohnsonsHair · 11/07/2022 13:42

I'd say the fact that he can't make eye contact with you speaks volumes. He obviously feels guilty. But if he's seeing someone else, why would he be spending lots of extra money at the corner shop?

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 11/07/2022 13:57

I understand this - i had suspicions for ages, and some circumstantial stuff, but couldn't act until I saw absolute proof with my own eyes.

One of the things I did is wipe an old phone, sign up for a separate google account and enable the location tracking, then hid it in his car (with plausible deniability that the kids had been using it and must have dropped it)

Whilst it still wasn't firm evidence, seeing the location he'd gone to, and comparing that to where he said it was helped me to distance myself and prepare while I waited for actual evidence (which came all too soon).

Looking back there was tonnes more too, that I just explained away.

Vallmo47 · 11/07/2022 14:15

@SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am has given you amazing advice. Sorry you’ve both been through this.
OP, it could be both gambling and another woman I am sorry to say.