I believe my husband is cheating

[Meklk]

Hi!
We are together 15 years (6 married). Have 3 years old child.
I just can't understand what's going on with my husband. I'll give you some facts, please tell me I'm not an idiot, I really think he has other women from his workplace...
*he constantly telling me about his female collegue (she helps him, she supports him, she is nice, etc.)
*I constantly find some black hairs at home (she is brunette), I'm blonde, so definitely not mine
*he became more nervous at home - one minute he can laugh with me, another - doesn't want to talk to me
*he spends A LOT money - taking cash (despite the fact that he HATES cash and pays everywhere with card), every day when he works he spends around £15 at the corner shop next to his workplace (workplace providing all meals and drinks, he doesn't smoke)
*he is attached with his phone, I managed to unlock it but couldn't find any evidence, he is quite good with computers, etc, I'm pretty sure it's hidden app or something as he switching off the phone every single time I'm next to him
*We have family laptop and he removed his email log in details from there
*he has very high sex drive and he is very good in bed but I noticed he doesn't want to kiss me anymore or cuddle, only sex and done.
*he started to complain about homemade food - I'm cooking the same 15 years and definitely didn't change any recipes, he used to love my dishes.
*he avoids eye contact with me
*sometimes he is doing late shifts, coming home around 2-3am and sits downstairs in the kitchen until 6am in the morning. When I asked him why - he said he wants to relax
*he tries to avoid any public appearance with me or our child
*and the last one - yesterday I took a shower and after I finished, I noticed that he left with our child (without telling me!), I was so confused, called him, text him, he replied back after an hour and blamed me that it's my problem, he just wanted to take our child to playground and I was taking shower too long. I tried to ask our child, he is only three and all he managed to tell me that "daddy was talking over the phone".
What do you think?

There are a few different things here but it seems you are quite far along in your suspicions and it’s having an affect on everything. That you’re at the stage of looking for hairs, smelling clothes, going through bank statements and planning on getting him drunk to go through his phone indicates you’ve crossed a line in terms of how his actions are affecting your behaviour. Regardless of whether he is cheating or not - the impact it’s had on you is too much! Don’t try and get one over on him - just get yourself out of this place as it is harder the longer you’re in it!

I've had a really similar experience to what you have described, someone mentioned they hid an old phone in the car and tracked that to find out where he was going.. I also did this and I also hid the old phone around the house with a recording app on and buggered off out for a few hours with the kids, i had all what I needed to know after 2-3 days, it wasn't nice to play back to myself but it was great to play it back to him when he tried to deny it

Try the web and look at web watcher.

I'm sorry OP you're going through this.
Voice recording using your phone either in the house or the car.
Search online for "secret app" or similar, and see if you can spot them on his phone.
Search the name of this other person on Facebook/ Instagram, you would be surprised how much people give away on social media.

We managed to catch someone cheating on my friend through a photo on his facebook. The photo was taken of him in a restaurant, we zoomed in on the menu in front of him, got the name of the restaurant. Cross ref that with a girl we were suspicious off, who tagged herself in the same restaurant at the same time, on her instagram story. The cheat was "travelling with work" at the time but in actual fact was on holiday with her.

These cheats will do anything to not be caught, so you have to think like one, be a detective. When might he slip up..ie. when you're out? When he is out? In the car? At work...that's where your proof needs to be collected.

With an iPhone this is the ticket. The hidden crap will very like.ly show up. You can see how much time a day he is on certain apps. Check this and you’ll know.

although I think you already do.

I’ll also say this cheating men often also are I to gambling from my own research. It’s thrill seeking. Just like many will drink too much. I’ve not don’t the same amount of reading on cheating women because I’m less interested so that’s why I say men.

First and foremost the money is the most important thing right now. He can be replaced easier than your savings trust me. Yes, I actually do believe it. A man who doesn’t tend to his partners needs and bleeds cash for his own use is nothing but a liability.

Also check his car for a burner or extra cellphone (American here we say burner for cheap throwaway mobile) because that often happens.

when these men cheat they do it for the ego boost, and that’s why they spend so much time chatting and flirting. They feel like real men lol such crap.

Depends on what you want to do but I wouldn’t let in I knew and I would be getting my ducks in a row. Because gambling, cheating or whatever, screw that. He’s not good enough. He needs to show up for you and your needs.

once your ducks are in a row you can mess with him and pretend you know a lot more than you do. It get your crap together first. Either way he’s up to so etching and he needs to learn not to mess with you. You won’t have it. You’re not a doormat and you’re certainly not some extra on the stage of his life. You have your own life to lead.

PS men rarely actually want their wives to leave. Not because of some deep love, but because of a deep known easy life with you. You’re useful to him. Life is harder without you.

If it’s all one big misunderstanding that’s great. Disregard

if you do end up questioning him (please don’t, be a hero and get your ducks in a row) and he says “why would I ever cheat on you?” Then you know. He shouldn’t have to pose that question to you. He should easily be able to answer it .

Damn! You’re some amazing ladies!

sad news though

Just tell him you know. Why would he lie, he clearly wants to be with her.

don’t worry about the evidence - you know the truth

He would lie because he probably wants his cake and eat it. Wife at home managing the house and children and bit on the side to have a bit of fun with.

That's why they deny and minimise.

She should stake out assets as he’s done.

what we can realize in the moment is that cold calculated moves will reach them more than the expected emotional pleas

Trickle truth….l.

the whole deal.

the more women learn of this and the earlier the less these men will hold power. They are banking on the woman being unaware and desperate to hold it all together

I did this at first but my husband lied to me nd kept it going gaslighting me for nearly 3 years

My ex-husband:
Had long thick brown hairs on his jumper.
Couldn't look me in the eyes.
Suddenly became really grumpy with me over very silly things.
Sex life died.
He was suddenly always on his phone.

Yes, he was having an affair. Sound familiar?

Thank you for your messages, it really helps me a lot. I don't have any family in UK so feeling so lonely at the moment....

He doesn't have an Iphone, that's the problem. But my friend recommended me a guy who does "stuff" with computers, I'll meet him next week and I really hope he can help me to find something.

On my Samsung it is in Settings, "Digital wellbeing and parental controls" then click on the first thing that might be something like "set up digital wellbeing" or something, then it shows apps. Now I've clicked it it shows the apps straight away. But i don't know if you will get much chance to try this if he is guarding his phone!

Quick way to get to settings is swipe down from the top and click cog on top right.

@Meklk

Easy way to find out if it's more than a suspicion without breaking the law. Check his mileage on the car before he goes out, know where he is going and how many miles it should be, and then check the mileage when he gets home. Obviously do this covertly and when you have 2-3 instances of mileage that is inconsistent with his stated whereabouts, you know you're dealing with a liar and can proceed to identify a cheat.

Once you've established the above, then you might be able to catch him out on his phone. If he ever leaves it unattended, what very few people seem to be aware of on smartphones is that they have push notifications by default. i.e. if you turn on the phone and see a WhatsApp notification you can still tap it and read it without unlocking the phone.

Alternatively, build up a pattern with the mileage. Identify if it is any particular day. Then use that day to give him a "surprise visit" at work, when you know he won't be there.

Also, cheats hate a lack of routine. So don't have one.

'Also, cheats hate a lack of routine. So don't have one.'

This is so true! The easiest person to cheat on is the one who is predictable (the other side of the coin is that she's a dependable person). What great advice to turn this behaviour on its head and imagine the cheater squirm when they don't know where you are and you don't answer your phone when they call to find out where you are!

@cafcass123
Or he please! I was the dependable one going to work on the train everyday. She was the one claiming to be a downtrodden housewife whilst shagging around every day. These men aren't cheating with each other.

Confront him. If he has nothing to hide he will have no problem handing his unlocked, unfiltered and unmanned phone to you. I would certainly be happy to leave mine with my husband indefinitely if he suspected I was cheating-because I am not and have nothing to hide.

Reminds me of my ex-wife's face when she counter accused me of cheating, as cheats are prone to do. I handed her my unlocked, unfiltered and unmanned phone to her and said "take as long as you want, as long as I can look at yours." 😂

Needless to say, she did not hand over her phone. She got notification of divorce from my solicitor about a week later. I didn't bother telling her myself.

I will agree with you, there is something going on with someone, my ex husband was the same, always on his phone, never wanted to do anything with me, would never ask me to go to his work party despite partner being invited (used to go to them)when going to cinema with the kids he will stay in his car instead having family time, working late despite he never did any overtime for 10 years and when I did ask what was wrong he said it was all in my head nothing wrong and then, he decided he did love me any more and left, in fact he was seeing someone else. Told everyone that he met her 6 months after our break up but pure lie he met her way before we break up

I think that’s the giveaway. Taking money out each days still seems odd, I’d assume it’s drinks, lunch together somewhere.
I think an itag ( is that the right name? One of those apple things) hidden on him is your best bet. Or take a day off work and watch what he does at lunchtime, after work.

Sorry for my confusion in advance, but you say he withdraws money from cash mashine locally and then spends money every day in the corner shop to his work? I assume he's using his card for you to know which shop he's using. How much is he actually spending?

I was where you were years ago with my exh and it drove me mad and made me ill. Suddenly, it was like I had clarity and decided if he was having an affair (she was single and divorced) and he chose to be with her, he would. The only one in pain was me so decided not to give a fuck about him or where he was or who he was with. Suddenly, my behaviour changed and it didn't go unnoticed! I suppose he panicked and didn't know why I didn't care about him any more. The power balance suddenly changed and so did he. More than 20 years later, I still didn't prove his affair with his secretary, but I would still put money on that he did.

In hindsight, what would I do differently? I'd stop looking for proof, stop caring about him and tell him you're no longer happy, want a divorce and mean it. You can't trust him, not even with the family finances as well as with this woman.

I discovered my ex was a gambling addict, up til that point we had a wonderful relationship. The moment I found out everything changed, he became very emotionally abusive and month after month the petty gambling turned into his whole wage packet on payday.
He would get up about 4/5am just to gamble in secret so I started getting up with him to try and stop him, it just made him resent me even more.
If he is gambling I promise you he will have been doing it for ages in secret, you don't need apps on phones either you can use the browser on them but he will prob have another bank account where he is taking money from joint account and putting it into to deposit for his gambling online account.
It will only get worse OP if you try and stop him, best advice is get out!

My emotional abuse was so bad I've been living in a refuge since December!

I should of added

My ex once he emotionally checked out of our relationship was having an emotional affair by text with someone whilst gambling.

As soon as I discovered everything about him was a lie and saw what he was he used the other lady for emotional support and me for physical, most gambling addicts do this.
I got alot of support from Gamcare, btw

I was thinking about gambling too. He had problems in the past, he was playing a computer game where you need to buy a soldiers and other shit. I found his secret chats, he was trying to get "highest" score and was betting online for it. He spent almost £5000 in few months.

But the money "pattern" is quite strange now or he has secret account...
So he spends daily £20-25 at the corner shop and he takes cash from his account every few days (£50-£80-£100).I know he earns some cash too from his clients and all these money disappeared.
I am really tight with the budget at the moment, and he knows and avoids to pay even a pound when we are somewhere together (yesterday we were at Sainsburys and he just ran away from the till "to check some flowers on sale", other day our son asked for ice cream at the park and he insisted a "call from work". In my opinion he tries to save every single penny.