Verbally abusive husband

[Username247help]

Name changed for this.
My husband is 99% of the time a great husband and father.
However he has a nasty streak and can flip out over the smallest things and be verbally abusive towards me and the children.
Silly little things tip him over the edge and we bear the brunt of it.
I don’t really know what I’m asking here. Basically has anyone else experienced this type of behaviour. Did you leave? Stay?
Ive tried to reason with him but the response is always the same - it’s my fault and I drove him to say these things.

Did you say he is verbally abusive toward your children? Leave now.

Yes. Very short fuse and can be quite nasty. Then he will calm down, apologise and act like it never happened.
I guess free so many years it has really wore me down but I don’t even know where to begin with leaving.

I think you have to ask him to address his anger and make some serious changes. Say what is at risk, your marriage and your family and don't say it when you are mid argument or after an argument. Saying it when there is no conflict will have more impact. If he doesn't start taking steps towards managing his anger then sadly you need to take the steps best for you and the kids.

Thank you for your reply.
I have spoken to him on many occasions about this. He basically has said this is they way he is and I should just ignore it as he doesn’t mean it.
Its obviously unacceptable to be called names and then told to just forget about it.
Its a very scary thought going it alone.

If someone offered you a cup of tea and said it's 99% great but contains 1% dogshit, would you still want it?

The only acceptable level of any type of abuse in a relationship is ZERO. Especially if he's starting on your children.

I think him saying it’s the way he is is his get out clause, his excuse not to do anything about it. Verbal abuse is incredibly damaging, you and your children will begin ( if you don’t already) to walk on eggshells to keep him calm, no way to live and a very bad way for your children to grow up.
I think the ultimatum has to be it stops now, he does it again, he leaves. He’s an adult, time he behaved like one.

And the whole 'I didn't mean it' line is bullshit. He doesn't get to say that and expect everyone to be like 'oh ok that's fine then'. How dare he.

It is absolutely NOT your fault that he says these things.

If I were you I'd try and speak to someone at Women's Aid. They can advise and support you to get this waste of skin out of your life.

it’s my fault and I drove him to say these things.

Such a pile of bullshit. He chooses to say these things, repeatedly, to you and your children. Is he abusive to his work colleagues, his boss, other people in his life?

I can absolutely say I have began to walk on eggshells around him. Pre-empting situations and how to deal with them incase it sets him off is very exhausting.
He shouted at me in a public car park and I just wanted the ground to swallow me up I felt so embarrassed for the both of us. It was obvious members of the public were thinking why are you putting up with this excuse of a man. I looked pathetic for no saying anything back to him.

@Limer
Yes he is. It’s all put down to his hot headedness. He’s never been pulled up at work. I know he acts like this at work sometimes because he has told me about arguments with colleagues and bosses.
It sounds ridiculous even thinking about leaving because our marriage is mostly good. But the verbal abuse is becoming more frequent and it’s grinding me down.

My heart goes out to you.

I am going through the exact same. He’s gaslighting. Talks to you like shit, then says you drove him to it and he wouldn’t have said it if it wasn’t for your actions in the first place. Obviously he can’t say what those actions were as there weren’t any.

it’s the fact you feel ok then they knock you off your feet. It’s unfair and selfish. But soooo difficult to leave. It’s easy for people to say ‘just leave’ but it’s not like that. There are so many variables.

sending you empathetic hugs

your children are being damaged by being treated like that.
they will remember that and be affected by it all their lives.
and they will resent you for allowing it.
they cannot get up and leave, or even go down the pub for the evening to avoid him.
ring womens aid.

I was married to someone like this. It escalated in my situation - he didn't hit me but he used to square up to me and shout in my face. One time he screamed in my ear and the pain in my ear drum was excruciating.

I had a small car at the time and one day I jam-packed it with as many of my possessions as possible, drove away and never went back.

I saw his Mum a few years later and she told me (with a smile) that I just didn't know how to handle him and that his new wife didn't take any crap. Unbelievable!

Verbally abuse is hideous and was apart of my abusive relationship. It's certainly not something you should stay in..depending on the severity of it perhaps he'll consider therapy or something to help with whatever is going on.

I'm a strong believer that people's personalities can't hugely change. People can certainly get help but I believe to a parve extent people are what they are. My ex was vile with words. Really cruel and not how you should ever even speak to a person you love. He'd get so angry I'd have to get out. He'd throw me out. Which led me to having to walk back to my house at all crazy times. It was a 50 minute walk. I could have been hurt particularly in the night when it happened. He left me alone scared more than once.

It made me sad. Ask yourself this. Do you feel on egg shells? Your gut feelings are the smartest thing to listen to with this. Your writing on here because you don't like his behaviour and you want him to stop.

Ask him how he intends to stop. If he doesn't make changes I'd certainly consider separating

Alarm bells ringing ! Him saying it’s your fault and you drove him to say these things……. WTF ! I have a feeling things will more than likely get worse over time .Sorry to say but long term you may be better off without him unless he can start to accept responsibility for his nasty behaviour and grow up . Totally agree with Maytodecember and previous posts . Hope you have some good friends and family to support you. X

@Asparagus74
Thankyou - sending you a virtual hug!
My children know when he’s off on one and they will say quietly oh he’s in a mood… again. They avoid him until he starts to feel bad and apologises to them. Then it’s as if they have forgiven and forgot until the next time.
They love their dad, they would be devastated if we split up.
He does the same with me. Acts appallingly, calms down, says he didn’t mean it (sometimes apologises, mostly says it’s my fault) then kills me with kindness. Gifts etc.
This is a mess.

To be blunt- if he is talking to you like crap, in an abusive way in front of your children then he is an Abuser. Your kids are growing up in an abusive household. Everyone deserves to be respected, particularly by their family, and live in a safe and secure home.

By allowing him to live in the family home, and talk to you like this, you are allowing abuse to happen under your roof. You are also allowing them to be be verbally abused to.

So, very simply for both your sake and that of your kids, you get legal advise, get him out of the house and get rid of him. No excuses

My ex husband was like this. I am now remarried and oh my goodness the joy of not walking on eggshells any more! It was only after our marriage ended that I realised how awful it was to live like that. I didn’t actually realise there are men who don’t shout, who don’t lose their temper.

I think if you’ve been bothered by this enough to post, it is worth exploring more with people in real life how to change things for the better.

My Dh used to do gifts. He doesn’t do that now. He says he’s very busy and I need to slot in.
my children have even said to leave but I know they’d be devastated. He plays them too.

I’ll add that I grew up with a father like this, so I married someone who did the same, because it was normal to me. I decided I wanted better for my kids.

@Lilyann60
This is my worry. It has been getting worse over time and I have a feeling it is going to become more and more frequent and I don’t think I could (and shouldn’t) put up with it.
We have been together for 20 years. It’s like he knows that I wouldn’t cope on my own and it would be very difficult for me to leave.

@LondonLovie
I know you said you were being blunt and I appreciate your comment. I just can’t agree with it. I don’t allow it to happen or allow my kids to be brought up in an abusive household. I have not had a choice for many reasons (financial and emotionally mainly)

Am going through this on maternity leave and it's hell!! He's gone worse knowing that am vulnerable atm. To hell with that. Been planning to leave for ages. Dream about having a place of my own everyday. Mat leave is ending soon and I can't wait to start earning then leave. It's it's just too damaging.

It sounds like you have been married a long time and you say it has become worse recently. Can you pinpoint when or has it just got incrementally worse? It sounds like his rage is on the increase. Why? None of his behaviour is acceptable but understanding the root will help your decision.

Shouting at you in a public carpark shows that he has very little self control. Most of us prefer to argue in private (!) so I'm not judging the argument but letting rip in public means this man is at capacity.

What would you do if your children’s nursery worker or teacher was repeatedly abusive? Would you be expecting them to continue to be abused?