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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Verbally abusive husband

93 replies

Username247help · 10/07/2022 21:37

Name changed for this.
My husband is 99% of the time a great husband and father.
However he has a nasty streak and can flip out over the smallest things and be verbally abusive towards me and the children.
Silly little things tip him over the edge and we bear the brunt of it.
I don’t really know what I’m asking here. Basically has anyone else experienced this type of behaviour. Did you leave? Stay?
Ive tried to reason with him but the response is always the same - it’s my fault and I drove him to say these things.

OP posts:
lostfunn · 21/07/2023 07:30

I have, and my local domestic abuse services. I just need to time it right. Some of the kids I’m only a step mum to, their mum died, I’m not legally their guardian although I am their main caregiver as I’m a stay at home mum. I just have to be ready to rip all the kids apart as that’s what’s going to happen. I know the long term damage to them hearing what’s going on is worse but it’s still such a hard decision to make and go through with. I have sent pics of marks from the abuse to a friend who is storing them for me and kept all of the evil messages. So sad because when it’s good it’s good and we have such a great life. But im
not even allowed to have a day of feeling a bit done in, or down in the dumps, as you do sometimes. Because if I do I’m a miserable bitch who doesn’t do anything anyway so how can I be tired. My self esteem is broken beyond repair

lostfunn · 21/07/2023 07:32

Are things still the same?

Ofcourseshecan · 21/07/2023 09:09

OP, you are getting such good advice from women who have been in the same horrible situation, and from their children.

It’s your choice. But your DC haven’t chosen it. Please leave, for their sake if not your own.

Dullardmullard · 21/07/2023 16:53

neilyoungismyhero · 21/07/2023 01:29

My dad was like this and it sometimes ended by him choking me or smacking my face. I would run off down the road and creep back later. I realised a few years ago I had married my father, no idea how that happened..he's not violent but is now verbally abusive.
I'm too old to leave you're not.

You’re never too old to leave, seriously Make plans and go even if it’s a refuge. You do know if kids in the mix they won’t hold it against you

one woman I was in with was 70 her story was horrific but she left. He’d forgotten to lock the door properly and she ran to the nearest neighbour for help in her nightie.

user1473755554 · 17/09/2023 16:33

Hi, this is my first time posting. Feeling very stressed and anxious at the moment. I dropped something yesterday that I was fixing for our daughter. Which only cost a few pounds. Today my husband found out and I explained a few times how it happened and it was an accident. Even our daughters explained. For someone reason he has escalated it into an argument. Naming calling me, saying you should not of been medelling with it. Its cost £# and its a waste of money then going on it all adds up the money I am wasting money. He has been harassing me about for a good hour on and off. Even our daughters have told him why are you giving mum such a hard time she told you it was an accident. Am completely mentally and physically exhausted its not the first time. He just goes off on one and makes me feel this way. I have told him I won't carry on this way and be made too feel bad for dropping something. I have told him I want a divorce and we will be discussing it this evening. Any thoughts on this and how to be happier and stronger person.

Whattodo112222 · 17/09/2023 16:36

user1473755554 · 17/09/2023 16:33

Hi, this is my first time posting. Feeling very stressed and anxious at the moment. I dropped something yesterday that I was fixing for our daughter. Which only cost a few pounds. Today my husband found out and I explained a few times how it happened and it was an accident. Even our daughters explained. For someone reason he has escalated it into an argument. Naming calling me, saying you should not of been medelling with it. Its cost £# and its a waste of money then going on it all adds up the money I am wasting money. He has been harassing me about for a good hour on and off. Even our daughters have told him why are you giving mum such a hard time she told you it was an accident. Am completely mentally and physically exhausted its not the first time. He just goes off on one and makes me feel this way. I have told him I won't carry on this way and be made too feel bad for dropping something. I have told him I want a divorce and we will be discussing it this evening. Any thoughts on this and how to be happier and stronger person.

Op you need to make your own thread xx you've resurrected an old thread.

BitOutOfPractice · 17/09/2023 16:36

Username247help · 10/07/2022 22:16

I can absolutely say I have began to walk on eggshells around him. Pre-empting situations and how to deal with them incase it sets him off is very exhausting.
He shouted at me in a public car park and I just wanted the ground to swallow me up I felt so embarrassed for the both of us. It was obvious members of the public were thinking why are you putting up with this excuse of a man. I looked pathetic for no saying anything back to him.

I can absolutely 100% assure you that nobody thought you were pathetic. They thought he was pathetic. Not you.

1971me · 06/04/2024 19:46

I have to ask did you leave reading your posts is as if I have been reading my autobiography over last 10 years on verge of leaving but I have my 14 year old to consider - husband was so attentive for our first 2 years

Diane89 · 07/08/2024 07:37

Did you ever resolve this? I’m in this situation now.
a whole 4 day stretch of being verbally abused this time. Appreciate any information.

Diane89 · 07/08/2024 07:38

1971me · 06/04/2024 19:46

I have to ask did you leave reading your posts is as if I have been reading my autobiography over last 10 years on verge of leaving but I have my 14 year old to consider - husband was so attentive for our first 2 years

I’m here to ask the same. Living the same way.

1971me · 07/08/2024 07:56

Diane89 · 07/08/2024 07:37

Did you ever resolve this? I’m in this situation now.
a whole 4 day stretch of being verbally abused this time. Appreciate any information.

He moved out 6 weeks ago and even though he is now trying to destroy me financially I couldn't be happier living the way I want in peace with my 14 year old you need to leave if you can but just be safe

lostfunn · 18/02/2025 23:28

No I haven't left and things are still sh.*t
Wish I'd have gone years ago and now it's even more of a mess than before 💔

lostfunn · 28/04/2025 03:56

I’ve finally left him ! Early days yet but I am free

FerreroFan · 28/04/2025 06:32

I left my verbally abusive husband. The first time he behaved like that I was in shock. It seemed to come out of nowhere. Then he would shout and swear at me every month or so and throw in a couple of threats, such as taking my child away from me if we split or telling my family and friends 'all about me' whatever the heck that meant. Then it running me down just became part of his personality.

Honestly, leaving is such a relief. I couldn't be living a life walking on eggshells or feeling low about myself for allowing his abuse. We have one life, we need to live it for ourselves. Financially it is tough (the miserable sod is taking cash in hand to avoid cms) but still 100% worth it.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/04/2025 07:52

Oh @lostfunn well done! I don’t know you but I feel proud of you. Good luck. I just know it’ll be onwards and upwards for you!

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 29/04/2025 09:26

Bravo 👏🏻 @lostfunn

waterrat · 29/04/2025 09:31

Whether they would be devastated or not is irrelevant (and probably not true) - they are bonded to him and his abusive manner as that is all they have known. They may look back at this as adults and be furious you stayed for so long sadly.

The fact they are normalised to walking on eggshells is something to help them escape from not get even more used to.

Op - you say its mostly good - that is because you are 'keeping the peace' 'walking on eggshells' - if you had real boundaries and real expectations of him - there would be no peace.

to quote martin luther king ) 'if peace means being complacently adjusted to the unjust status quo - I don't want peace'

peace can come at a cost. The cost now is your mental health and your childrens.

Your children are growing up learning to walk on eggshells, to tolerate this and fear his outbreaks and moods. What impact will that have when they come to choose partners ? or - in truth - they won't 'choose' - their upbringing will 'choose ' for them and they are likely to choose abusive partners themselves. or be the abusive one like their dad is.

I'm so sorry to say this as it's not your fault he is like this - but you do have the choice to live a different life. I hope you can find the support you need to leave.

waterrat · 29/04/2025 09:32

wow sorry I posted without the update.

How incredibly brave and strong of you OP. good luck.

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