Verbally abusive husband

[Username247help]

Name changed for this.
My husband is 99% of the time a great husband and father.
However he has a nasty streak and can flip out over the smallest things and be verbally abusive towards me and the children.
Silly little things tip him over the edge and we bear the brunt of it.
I don’t really know what I’m asking here. Basically has anyone else experienced this type of behaviour. Did you leave? Stay?
Ive tried to reason with him but the response is always the same - it’s my fault and I drove him to say these things.

What kinds of things does he say?

I would love to know how things are now? I live like this; mostly good, good dad; amazing holidays; fabulous house. I also get told kill myself, I’m useless, ugly, fat lazy cunt, been hit, strangled. I have no job (yet) and I’m trying to study a course which will get me a better paid job, and enable me to save some money to leave but I’m scared ill
fuck my kids up the more I stay. I’d kill myself if I didn’t have my kids. Honestly. I
hope you left your partner and that you’re living happily with your kids x

@lostfunn

Contact Women’s Aid. He is abusing you.

And he’s an appalling dad.

We are still together.
I am so sorry you are living with an abusive partner.

Yeah, but so are you...

Thanks for throwing that in my face.

My EX lost his shit with me in a supermarket car park, and stormed off into the shop. I’d apparently parked in the ‘wrong’ space.
The guy who’d just parked in the next door space knocked gently on my window and asked if I was ok.
It was quite a big lightbulb moment for me. I’d been normalising his behaviour for so long.

Im still in therapy 3 years later.

…and so are my DCs…

I went through this. My situation got worse. He would begin to beat me and then hit my child. I ended it that day. Never regretted leaving even though it was tough.

Is he living with PTSD for some reason? Ex military or family abuse?

Children are sponges, they take in all information and watch everything,

my dad died when I was 4 my memories of him are him shouting at my mum. I have no other memories at all.

42years later and this is my lasting memory of my dad.

please do something to protect your children and yourself.

I'm 63 now and remember how my late f (he can never be described as DF) used to blow up at the most silliest things.
I have always hated it if anyone raises their voice.
After a few years his temper turned to violence. Can you imagine going to school with belt marks up your legs.
Please leave your children will thank you for leaving.

Sadly also your children will be learning this behaviour is normal in a marriage.
Sons will be learning this is a normal way to treat a woman, and daughters will be learning how to minimise and accept bad behaviour from a man.

What is preventing you from throwing this abusive dickhead out? Is it financial? Emotional?

What are you going to do when the kids tell school dad was shouting again at us and mum as it’ll be a safeguarding issue and be reported.

Will you lie and say they’ve misunderstood it all

you do know as the kids get older they’ll resent you not dad for not leaving.

I left with only the clothes on my back with the kids into a refuge I copied my mother and got with an abuser as it’s all I knew, she never left him and always made excuses for him just like I started till I got that light bulb moment.

he’s escalating and it’ll get worse and most likely has but you’ve stayed why?

what’s kept you there @Username247help
fear of the unknown
fear of breaking up the family well sorry he’s done that not you.
Fear he’ll take it out on the kids there’s court for that and a lot of men don’t go the court route they just bitch and whinge.
etc etc

all excuses because of fear

do you tell him to stop if you do what does he do?
if he’s saying it’s just me live with it, do you tell him no it’s abuse. Does he laugh and say I don’t hit you as a get out clause like the, this is me crap
verbal
financial
sexual
coercion
and physical
are all abuse
oh and throwing things, smashing doors in your presence is physical as they make it look like they are not aiming at you they are.

id phone women’s aid and ask for some advice even to talk about your options

by the way it takes on average 7 tries to leave
I was number 5 as he’d escalated to physical abuse and tried to strangle me. Hence leaving asap

mine was the fear of the unknown and easier to stay because of it. Don’t let it be you, break the cycle for your kids. Don’t let them repeat it in the future.

@littlegingerone you just described our house.

But they're right. You've had an extra year of abuse and so have your children. Lots of advice given a year ago. Did you contact women's aid or do I anything or are you still tiptoeing through the tulips; whilst he kicks off?

He is verbally abusivenow, one day, he could flip & become physically abusive. It's up to you, but I wouldn't allow my dc to stay in a home with someone like that. They would only have to mention it at school & you would have social workers knocking at your door. Do you want them to grow up thinking it is normal to be verbally abused? If not, do something about it, either leave him or make him move out & at a minimum get some anger management therapy or end the marriage.

My dad was like this and it sometimes ended by him choking me or smacking my face. I would run off down the road and creep back later. I realised a few years ago I had married my father, no idea how that happened..he's not violent but is now verbally abusive.
I'm too old to leave you're not.

I think you should tell him that it’s not the way he “just is”, but how he CHOOSES to be. He is in control of what he says, what he thinks, how he feels and how he acts. He CHOOSES to be nasty and hurtful and if he doesn’t start taking responsibility for this, then he will push you and the kids away. None of you should be the whipping boys for his frustration.

There’s no way to fix a verbally abusive partner. They do it for control. Living like that is so harmful both physically and mentally. You can’t stand up for yourself in these situations as the other person is not interested in your feelings and you shouldn’t have to anyway! Grey Rock and get away asap x

We. Must. Always. Excuse. Male. Violence.

Did it improve?

my F is like this. My siblings and I have had to walk on egg shells round him our whole lives, dm had to be careful what she said in front of him incase he ‘kicked off’, constantly made digs and insults but under the guise of it’s a joke, then when you finally react you couldn’t take a joke/ have upset everyone/ are the bad person. He constantly held the fact that it was ‘his house’ above your head when you lived there and when I finally moved out with my future dh, I never felt one bit sad at leaving home, just relieved to be away from there! Sad to see there’s a many here who have had similar experiences.