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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Siblings always leave me out

37 replies

twistet · 10/07/2022 15:07

I have 2 siblings, both similar in age but about 10 years older than me. One I chat to via text nearly every other day and has two kids similar ages to mine. The other I'm not as close to and has an older teenage child. They live fairly near each other and I'm about 2 hours away from them.

In the past there have been several instances where they have left me and my partner out and not invited us to bday parties, New Years parties and holidays. The first time it happened was before my DH and I had children, and I had actually suggested booking a trip away altogether. A couple of months later saw on Facebook they'd gone away on a holiday, but we obv never received an invite or knew about it. I was hurt by this and did tell them. I chalked it up to maybe they thought we wouldn't want to spend a holiday with lots of kids about (which wasn't the case, I was the one who had suggested a trip) but tried to not let it bother me.

Since then (and since we had kids) there have been at least 2-3 other holidays they've arranged and we have never once received an invite. The last time they did this (last year) I was very upset and explained that it was hurtful they'd basically forgotten or left us out again. And that we've always expressed a wish to go away together as my kids adore their cousins.

I saw my siblings this week at a family occasion with my parents, and I overheard them discussing a holiday together this summer in hushed tones. When I asked my sister what they were planning she changed the subject really abruptly and walked off.

I feel deeply hurt and also used, in particular by my sister who I thought I was very close to. I am her emotional support a lot and always there for her and she messages me all the time to chat.

They seem to like my DH so I don't think it's anything to do with him. We have been together nearly 20 years and he is part of the furniture so to speak.

All I can think is that they must really not like me. That must be the only reason, they dislike me and don't want to spend time with me or my family. I feel so low and I was going to confront them again but I feel
Like honestly what is the point. As I've told them so many times we'd like to join.

I'm not saying they can't do stuff together without us, the often meet up for the day as they live near each other, and that doesn't bother me at all. It's just this holiday thing that they know has hurt my feelings in the past.

Don't know why I'm posting really, maybe to get some perspective, maybe I'm over reacting? What would you do?

OP posts:

DilemmaDelilah · 10/07/2022 18:03

I have two sisters who now live within half an hour of each other and about two and a half hours from me. They don't holiday together but they do have other social occasions together and I do feel very left out. Last Christmas they and their families had Christmas together and my husband and myself were alone, and then one of them had a party in January to which my other sister was invited but not me. I understand that it is easy for them to see each other, but I would love to have an invitation and we would be quite happy to stay in a local travelodge if there isn't room for us. As it is.... My husband now has a degenerative condition that means he is usually too tired to do much socialising, but it would be nice to be invited!

Original poster

twistet · 10/07/2022 18:11

@DilemmaDelilah exactly this, just an invite to know we are thought about would be nice. We probably wouldn't go to every holiday or party, but it would be nice to not feel purposefully excluded.

I'm sorry to hear about your DH x

OP posts:

Ireolu · 10/07/2022 18:15

I have a brother that is a year younger than me and our sister is 5 yrs older than me. I am closer to my brother and my sister openly admits that she feels the gap affected our relationship. I haven't always been close to my brother though. We however, each made the time to understand who we are as people and a deep mutual respect has developed from that. My sister didn't really put that effort in until recently. I tried with her, she was busy with other things. I was not fussed, I love her regardless, she is my sister.

We wouldn't leave her out of a family holiday though and are very supportive of each other and have been each others rocks following out dad's passing in March this year. I think a break from them may help in the first instance. It may crystallise to your sister that the behaviour is not on and may help her understand the role you play in her life better.

Anonymouslyhurt · 09/10/2023 22:53

You are not alone, I am only invited to birthdays n Christmas. And that’s only because thy feel they have too. My 2 siblings are younger than I am. 5 n 10yrs younger. We grew up camping and having lots of fun together. But after both my parents passed away in 2018, they leave me out of everything. They call their friends family and do everything with them. They are even invited to “OUR” Christmas parties. They go camping all the time and have never invited me and mine. My children don’t even hardly know them. So I know the hurt you go through. I sit back and see all the pictures posted on social media and it makes me wanna say something. But I just suck it up and leave it alone. I have told my husband that when I die. Celebrate with my kids. And tell them they didn’t want me around when I was here I don’t want them around when I’m gone!!!!

Cherrysoup · 09/10/2023 23:14

Pull back, stop being so available for your sister, she clearly uses you to rant to bu5 doesn’t involve you in family holidays. Fuck that noise.

ZekeZeke · 10/10/2023 06:06

What ages are the kids?
If yours are young and theirs are older then it's possibly a reason why.
Do your kids annoy theirs?

SueDonnym · 10/10/2023 06:22

I think sibling rivalry never goes away - perhaps you were the spoiled youngest, in your eldest's eyes and that has never changed.
My DSis is treated like a silly annoying smaller sister even now and DB is 68 - but Dsis became the baby of the family when he was 6, he's never forgiven her 😂

FrenchandSaunders · 10/10/2023 06:29

10 years is a big gap between siblings and presumably their kids are a lot older than yours?

JustAnotherUsey · 10/10/2023 06:34

Maybe your eldest sister is jealous that your middle sister and you are close so excludes you to stop you from bonding with your middle sister.

I think you stop giving your middle sister advice etc. Tell her if your not good enough to include in the family holidays, then you are not good enough to give advice. Let it cause an argument. You have been too nice this far. You have told them several times that you are upset at being excluded, but they still keep excluding you. They are actually pretty nasty people.

Mary46 · 10/10/2023 14:56

Yes its hurtful op I try to ignore it but not nice. I find 3 crap with siblings one is left out. Just my own experience.

Quitelikeit · 10/10/2023 15:46

I bet this is because they like a drink and you don’t?

PedrosHag · 10/10/2023 15:58

This is a zombie thread.

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