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Original poster

AIBU - my husband told his parents I’m pregnant without telling me

93 replies

Loulou0001 · 09/07/2022 23:11

Hi all
feel quite lost and I’m hoping I can get some support here.
im 6 weeks (had my first scan today) and tbh I’ve been feeling anxious about this pregnancy as I had a MC a few months ago but there was a heart beat today thank goodness!
As background there is lots of stress in my life at the moment, very demanding job, challenges with husband, and pregnancy emotion to contend with.
my husband and I have been having a difficult time and had a huge blow up today following a week of smaller arguments. I found out today, a week after, that he had told his parents I was pregnant (as he said he mentioned to them today on the phone we might have a scan today)… I was shocked when he said that as I had no idea he told them. The last Time we discussed it was about 2 weeks before when I found out I was pregnant and I said to him I would like to tell my parents because of the last MC for moral support so we both agreed I would tell my parents. He said he wouldn’t tell his as he wanted to wait longer so we agreed on that.

Anyhow I was really upset today when I found out he had told them my pregnancy news, as we had a whole day with them this week at a family event without me knowing that they knew and they didn’t say anything to me. We argued about it earlier and he basically said he didn’t see what the problem was with him telling them, and that he ‘thought’ he told me that he spoke to them, says I’m being over dramatic as always that I’m upset.

we’ve been arguing so much - yesterday and again today a separate argument but he said to me: ‘good Lord I could never work with you - I would hate working with you as you cannot handle stress’ . I thought he said it last night perhaps as he was drunk after the family event, but he said it again today and it really hurts.
I do have a tremendously stressful job that I detest. It’s high paid and I know I bring that stress home and all I want to do it quit it as I feel it’s wrecking our marriage. But hearing him say that made me feel so inadequate especially as I turn to him for support when I’m stressed. The reason I was stressed in the car last night was because I was driving his diesel manual car home I’ve never driven before in the dark and stalled about 5 times which was clearly a bit stressful (as he was too drunk to drive).

I feel like am I being totally unreasonable to be upset at him for these things - this is just two things but his response to me being upset is you are always so melodramatic and he’s so weary. He’s left and I don’t know where he is now.

any help or thought would be gratefully appreciated. I want to save my marriage and reduce stress to help our growing baby too and I don’t know if I am just making these things out to be worse than they are and I’m too uptight
thank you
xx

OP posts:

kitcat15 · 09/07/2022 23:28

YABU 🙄…..but you know that don’t you

ShaneTwane · 09/07/2022 23:33

Yabu hugely sorry op. He has every right to tell his parents his baby news. It's not just your news to share. (Although I know where your coming from I'm also 6 weeks after a MC and am the soul breadwinner). The other stuff sounds like you do have to work on it to save your marriage as you have admitted you bring your job stress home and lay it on him. Maybe have an open and honest conversation about your job first and foremost.

RunningFromInsanity · 09/07/2022 23:33

You want the support of your parents, he wants the support of his parents.

TokyoTen · 09/07/2022 23:35

Missing the poi nt I'd who tells which parents- why are you having a baby with him if you aren't getting on? That's going to pile on the pressure.

doyouwantachuffedybadge · 09/07/2022 23:39

All these saying its just as much his news to tell, no it isn't as its your body. Id be livid. Its not his baby until its born.

Replacethis · 09/07/2022 23:42

Come on, you can tell your parents you are having a baby but he can't tell his he is having a baby? Really?

Ihatethenewlook · 09/07/2022 23:44

doyouwantachuffedybadge · 09/07/2022 23:39

All these saying its just as much his news to tell, no it isn't as its your body. Id be livid. Its not his baby until its born.

It’s still his baby regardless of whose body it’s in.
Op if you’d both agreed not to tell anyone then you’d have a point. As it is, you’ve told your parents so you don’t really have a leg to stand on. You don’t get to dictate what he does when you’re already doing it.

TokenGinger · 09/07/2022 23:44

doyouwantachuffedybadge · 09/07/2022 23:39

All these saying its just as much his news to tell, no it isn't as its your body. Id be livid. Its not his baby until its born.

What a load of shite. Of course it's his baby. She couldn't have made it without his input. He has just as much right to be emotionally connected to the pregnancy as she does.

ShaneTwane · 09/07/2022 23:47

doyouwantachuffedybadge · 09/07/2022 23:39

All these saying its just as much his news to tell, no it isn't as its your body. Id be livid. Its not his baby until its born.

Don't talk shite. It's his baby. A pregnant woman gets to decide to keep or terminate a pregnancy . If she decides to keep the pregnancy and have the dad involved then she has no rights to dictate his emotions or who he chooses to talk to.

Original poster

Loulou0001 · 09/07/2022 23:48

hi all
thanks for your responses
apologies if I have been unclear - it’s not that he told his parents . I was supportive of that happening and wouldn’t have stopped him telling his parents

it’s that he told me he wasn’t going to tell his parents until 12 weeks because of the previous MC (I didn’t mind either way btw). Then he didn’t tell me he told his parents for over a week, until today but we had a whole day with them last week, where I was trying not to act pregnant and I didn’t realise they knew. I was upset he didn’t tell me he told them as I felt like a mug spending a whole day with them without me knowing they knew and making excuses for why I wasn’t drinking etc. He also can’t understand why I was upset he didn’t tell me he told them.

thanks for your feedback though.

OP posts:

saraclara · 09/07/2022 23:49

Its not his baby until its born.

WTAF?

Original poster

Loulou0001 · 09/07/2022 23:51

FYI We also discussed who we would tell early on when we found out the news and he said he would rather his parents didn’t know until after because with the previous MC we all got very excited and told both our parents really on. That is why I was really shocked today when he told me that he told them we were going to have an early scan as I didn’t even know they knew and I’d spent the whole day and evening with them at this family event. They hadn’t said anything to me.

OP posts:

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 09/07/2022 23:52

doyouwantachuffedybadge · 09/07/2022 23:39

All these saying its just as much his news to tell, no it isn't as its your body. Id be livid. Its not his baby until its born.

Don't be ridiculous.

Hope everything goes well for you OP.

Original poster

Loulou0001 · 09/07/2022 23:52

Its not his baby until its born.

sorry I really don’t agree with this. It is his baby.

It’s more about I feel embarrassed that I didn’t know he told his parents as he had done a total u turn.

OP posts:

MarshaMelrose · 09/07/2022 23:55

Maybe he wanted the support, or it slipped out (that would be me!) and he knew you'd be upset so he told his parents not to say anything. So they didn't because they didn't want to upset or embarrass you. That's quite sweet, really. TBH, once the baby is born, this will feel like the most ridiculous argument you ever had. Everyone knows now so everyone can celebrate.
Hope everything goes well.

Original poster

Loulou0001 · 09/07/2022 23:59

Thank you - I hope so. maybe it’s the hormones too 😢

OP posts:

Cantstandbullshit · 09/07/2022 23:59

doyouwantachuffedybadge · 09/07/2022 23:39

All these saying its just as much his news to tell, no it isn't as its your body. Id be livid. Its not his baby until its born.

Oh cut the crap, if that’s the case then get yourself pregnant with donated speed. Really he can’t tell his parents because it’s your body? Whatever.

erinhannigan · 10/07/2022 00:00

My DH did something similar, although in our case I had decided we wouldn’t tell anyone at all (including my mum) until 20 weeks. I was heartbroken when I found out he’d told his mum. He told me it was for moral support etc. which over time I have come to accept but I’ve never forgiven him really. I was 15 weeks pregnant when he told his Mum and I was so, so wanting to wait until 20 weeks. In my opinion it was no one’s business but ours and I didn’t want anyone else knowing until we knew as far as we could baby was healthy etc. I felt it was very private.

So I do understand the violation you feel. BUT given you told your family I think you are being unreasonable. In my opinion this is something happening to both of you, and although the baby is growing in your body it is your partner’s baby too, and to want support for yOurself and not for him is pretty unfair.

I do feel so sorry for you though, as I understand how hurtful that betrayal can feel, but I do think you have to be equal in these things.

erinhannigan · 10/07/2022 00:02

@Loulou0001 Sorry - I’ve just read he didn’t tell you he’d told them and you’d all spent time together. I think that’s appalling. My DH told me straight away at least, so I could start laying into him. That’s very hurtful and I can completely understand why you’re so upset. I’d find that impossible to get over and very hard to move past in our relationship. Sending my best wishes x

Original poster

Loulou0001 · 10/07/2022 00:04

Thank you- I appreciate your comment.

I think I’m overly sensitive to things with his parents also as this kind of thing has happened before where he consults his parents me, he decided to give his mum a lot of money without discussing with me, he had some medical treatment and told his parents but not me, so there is a backdrop of feeling like his ties to his family are priority to him and I get left out which is why I think thinking about it I’ve probably blown up over this also.

OP posts:

savethatkitty · 10/07/2022 00:11

You were stressed because you were driving a manual car in the dark. Speechless.

Backtothefuture1908 · 10/07/2022 00:20

Maybe he needed moral support too. Yabu.

airrrrAIRRRRiELLLL · 10/07/2022 00:22

He must have told them to keep it secret otherwise why weren't they congratulating you etc? How humiliating for you

TiddyTidTwo · 10/07/2022 00:23

You've been through a lot OP but I'd let this go. Totally understand your feelings but look ahead!

ladydimitrescu · 10/07/2022 00:25

I'd let this go. It all sounds a bit non issue.

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