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Original poster

AIBU - my husband told his parents I’m pregnant without telling me

93 replies

Loulou0001 · 09/07/2022 23:11

Hi all
feel quite lost and I’m hoping I can get some support here.
im 6 weeks (had my first scan today) and tbh I’ve been feeling anxious about this pregnancy as I had a MC a few months ago but there was a heart beat today thank goodness!
As background there is lots of stress in my life at the moment, very demanding job, challenges with husband, and pregnancy emotion to contend with.
my husband and I have been having a difficult time and had a huge blow up today following a week of smaller arguments. I found out today, a week after, that he had told his parents I was pregnant (as he said he mentioned to them today on the phone we might have a scan today)… I was shocked when he said that as I had no idea he told them. The last Time we discussed it was about 2 weeks before when I found out I was pregnant and I said to him I would like to tell my parents because of the last MC for moral support so we both agreed I would tell my parents. He said he wouldn’t tell his as he wanted to wait longer so we agreed on that.

Anyhow I was really upset today when I found out he had told them my pregnancy news, as we had a whole day with them this week at a family event without me knowing that they knew and they didn’t say anything to me. We argued about it earlier and he basically said he didn’t see what the problem was with him telling them, and that he ‘thought’ he told me that he spoke to them, says I’m being over dramatic as always that I’m upset.

we’ve been arguing so much - yesterday and again today a separate argument but he said to me: ‘good Lord I could never work with you - I would hate working with you as you cannot handle stress’ . I thought he said it last night perhaps as he was drunk after the family event, but he said it again today and it really hurts.
I do have a tremendously stressful job that I detest. It’s high paid and I know I bring that stress home and all I want to do it quit it as I feel it’s wrecking our marriage. But hearing him say that made me feel so inadequate especially as I turn to him for support when I’m stressed. The reason I was stressed in the car last night was because I was driving his diesel manual car home I’ve never driven before in the dark and stalled about 5 times which was clearly a bit stressful (as he was too drunk to drive).

I feel like am I being totally unreasonable to be upset at him for these things - this is just two things but his response to me being upset is you are always so melodramatic and he’s so weary. He’s left and I don’t know where he is now.

any help or thought would be gratefully appreciated. I want to save my marriage and reduce stress to help our growing baby too and I don’t know if I am just making these things out to be worse than they are and I’m too uptight
thank you
xx

OP posts:
CanofCant · 10/07/2022 06:17

Sorry, I meant making an excuse for not drinking.

harri2214 · 10/07/2022 06:27

Hi Loulou0001, I wouldn't want to say YABU partly because I am approx 7 weeks now and also had a MC earlier this yr (Mothers day). I am feeling sensitive and would feel a very weird mix of emotions if my partner went and told ppl without my knowledge. Yes we all need support of those close to us, but at this early stage, esp with a recent MC it's a delicate issue and IMO it's good to jointly tell people when you are both ready. My partner told a lady we lived with about my MC without my knowledge and we are not close to her and i felt really betrayed. Pregnancy and pregnancy loss IMO is something that can be very up and down and both parties need to be sensitive to the other re: what information is shared and when/how. So, i actually DO see where your feelings are coming from and I hope he can also be understanding of your emotions given the situation and you can work things out easily. Yes of course it is his baby too but it is your body going through the changes/hormones etc and also experienced the MC so these things need to be taken into account. Take it day by day and don't be too hard on yourself. Wishing you all the best.

ZoeQ90 · 10/07/2022 06:31

That's clearly a lot else going on in the relationship but in terms of just the telling parents, no-one seems to be considering that he also may be struggling emotionally with her being pregnant after miscarriage and realised he wanted his parents support. It's not the same physical experience but it can still be a difficult emotional rollercoaster.

ZoeQ90 · 10/07/2022 06:34

Obviously he should have told her before but I understand why he might think he could wait but then realized he couldn't.

HappyHappyHermit · 10/07/2022 06:37

Yabu and this just won't help anyone. Focus on the joy of the pregnancy, you both have support now which is great and hopefully you will all be ready to welcome your happy healthy baby when the time comes.

CanofCant · 10/07/2022 06:37

I don't think it's that he told his parents, more that he didn't keep the OP updated when he eventually did tell them. He left her out of the loop and as a result she felt embarrassed and foolish when she is already feeling on the edge. It's also not the first time he hasn't shared details with her. They aren't on the same page and it's not conducive behaviour to bring up a child in, especially in the early days with a newborn when you really need to be on the same team as one another.

CanofCant · 10/07/2022 06:39

It sounds (to me) that maybe he just takes the path of least resistance and it's easier for him not to tell the OP things so that he doesn't have to deal with her reaction. Which, if that's true, isn't great and will only frustrate the OP more once the baby is here.

TriciaMcMillan · 10/07/2022 06:46

shrugitoffonemoretime · 10/07/2022 05:53

What a load of shite. It's just as much his unless her name is Mary and it was the immaculate conception

Show quote history

Off topic but I think you mean the virgin birth. The immaculate conception refers to Mary being conceived without sin.

Sarah2891 · 10/07/2022 06:50

Not his baby until it's born!! 😄 I've heard some nonsense on here but that takes the biscuit.

I get your point OP, but it's not worth falling out with him over.

Floella22 · 10/07/2022 06:53

Well you're not his priority are you OP?
His parents are.
And he wouldn't tell them they were being dramatic.

Your dh needs to sort himself out before the baby arrives.

DrDetriment · 10/07/2022 07:01

CanofCant · 10/07/2022 06:39

It sounds (to me) that maybe he just takes the path of least resistance and it's easier for him not to tell the OP things so that he doesn't have to deal with her reaction. Which, if that's true, isn't great and will only frustrate the OP more once the baby is here.

This.

It sounds like he's used to walking on eggshells around the OP as she gets overwhelmed so easily. The car thing for example is ridiculous. He should have told the OP he told his parents but I can understand why he didn't. It sounds like he is very close to his family and needs their support.

Herejustforthisone · 10/07/2022 07:11

I think it is blatantly apparent there’s more to this. He’s got form for prioritising his family over his wife, or excluding her in favour of them. Sounds a bit man childish.

madeinthe80z · 10/07/2022 07:12

If you have access to mental health services through your job, perhaps consider getting in touch and seeking some help. Stress in a job can affect your home life and then lead onto further longer term mental health issues, so perhaps getting some help could improve things for you now x

Original poster
Loulou0001 · 10/07/2022 08:04

Good morning all
I appreciate your comments and I’ve never posted on here before as a new post but it’s really helpful just to share it in my time of need, so thank you. There are some really useful things in here for me to think about.
@madeinthe80z - that is a good idea about mental health services through work.
@CanofCant - the path of least resistance comment sounds very accurate
I’m also going to look into counselling as I think it’s important we prioritise our relationship at this time but we need someone else in the room at this stage I think when we have these discussions.
thank you again
x

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulou0001 · 10/07/2022 08:06

@Flangelica i would have accepted it absolutely. I didn’t mind our parents knowing, it was more me not knowing they knew and then spending time with them without me knowing they knew.

OP posts:
diddl · 10/07/2022 08:07

You'd hope that telling his parents that his wife is pregnant would be memorable to him & that he'd remember to tell his wife!

He "thought" that he had told you?

Does he do that often?

I think his medical stuff it's up to him who he tells.

That said, I can't imagine telling my parents & not spouse-unless they really wouldn't be able to deal with it.

Original poster
Loulou0001 · 10/07/2022 08:09

@harri2214 thank you for your thoughts - I think my emotions are even more all over the place at the moment! And congrats / best of luck for your pregnancy too - hope it all goes well. :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulou0001 · 10/07/2022 08:12

@diddl - I was shocked when he was saying he thought he had told me, and he still stands by that. It makes it worse in my opinion because why can’t he just admit he didn’t speak to me.
he has never done that before, it’s the first time he’s said that, usually it’s more like ‘I didn’t think it was a big deal’, so maybe it is a genuine slip up but I cannot recall I have ever thought I’ve said something or had a discussion when I haven’t. Usually it’s you forget a conversation, not you remember a conversation you never had.

OP posts:
Blowthemandown · 10/07/2022 08:53

@Loulou0001 whose money did he give to his Mum without discussing?

JennyForeigner · 10/07/2022 08:59

It can be discombobulating when people say they will do one thing and then do another. My husband is like this. It's never a major issue or even something where I am more happy with the position he arrives at, but still it means that you can't plan your actions or know what to expect without being wrong-footed.

I get you on the car OP, that would stress me out too. And if you feel that you are constantly fighting an adrenaline rush I would see that as a symptom of job burn out rather than anything else.

billy1966 · 10/07/2022 09:01

Whose money did he give and how much?

That is very serious and dishonest if it was shared money?

airrrrAIRRRRiELLLL · 10/07/2022 09:11

So if thought he'd told you why didn't he think it odd that his parents weren't congratulating you when you all met up?

diddl · 10/07/2022 09:12

It makes it worse in my opinion because why can’t he just admit he didn’t speak to me.

Well I suppose some people just can't admit that they either are or may be wrong.

gamerchick · 10/07/2022 09:15

Can you put some AL in and have a couple of weeks off. You seem to have a lot on your head and husband isn't helping. Just to take a breath?

Somatronic · 10/07/2022 09:26

My DH did this too. I'm 14 weeks pregnant. As far as I was concerned we'd agreed not to tell his mother too early on because she's a bitch and was horrible to us about having to do IVF. He went ahead told her anyway and I found out a few days later. I was a bit annoyed but I didn't get mad at him because it's his baby too and he was probably hoping for a bit of excitement from his side of the family.

What actually happened was his mother and siblings ignored the pregnancy and behaved like absolute weirdos towards me. Still have no idea why they are like this but I feel vindicated in my instinct to tell them nothing!

So I wouldn't bother getting exercised about this. Sounds like there are a lot of other issues you need to address between your relationship and work. I hope you figure it out.

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