AIBU - my husband told his parents I’m pregnant without telling me

[Loulou0001]

Hi all
feel quite lost and I’m hoping I can get some support here.
im 6 weeks (had my first scan today) and tbh I’ve been feeling anxious about this pregnancy as I had a MC a few months ago but there was a heart beat today thank goodness!
As background there is lots of stress in my life at the moment, very demanding job, challenges with husband, and pregnancy emotion to contend with.
my husband and I have been having a difficult time and had a huge blow up today following a week of smaller arguments. I found out today, a week after, that he had told his parents I was pregnant (as he said he mentioned to them today on the phone we might have a scan today)… I was shocked when he said that as I had no idea he told them. The last Time we discussed it was about 2 weeks before when I found out I was pregnant and I said to him I would like to tell my parents because of the last MC for moral support so we both agreed I would tell my parents. He said he wouldn’t tell his as he wanted to wait longer so we agreed on that.

Anyhow I was really upset today when I found out he had told them my pregnancy news, as we had a whole day with them this week at a family event without me knowing that they knew and they didn’t say anything to me. We argued about it earlier and he basically said he didn’t see what the problem was with him telling them, and that he ‘thought’ he told me that he spoke to them, says I’m being over dramatic as always that I’m upset.

we’ve been arguing so much - yesterday and again today a separate argument but he said to me: ‘good Lord I could never work with you - I would hate working with you as you cannot handle stress’ . I thought he said it last night perhaps as he was drunk after the family event, but he said it again today and it really hurts.
I do have a tremendously stressful job that I detest. It’s high paid and I know I bring that stress home and all I want to do it quit it as I feel it’s wrecking our marriage. But hearing him say that made me feel so inadequate especially as I turn to him for support when I’m stressed. The reason I was stressed in the car last night was because I was driving his diesel manual car home I’ve never driven before in the dark and stalled about 5 times which was clearly a bit stressful (as he was too drunk to drive).

I feel like am I being totally unreasonable to be upset at him for these things - this is just two things but his response to me being upset is you are always so melodramatic and he’s so weary. He’s left and I don’t know where he is now.

any help or thought would be gratefully appreciated. I want to save my marriage and reduce stress to help our growing baby too and I don’t know if I am just making these things out to be worse than they are and I’m too uptight
thank you
xx

So it's not half his baby.?

YANBU at all. You agreed something, he went against what was agreed without speaking to you first and then, instead of owning up and apologising, he had a go at you! He's behaved very badly.

And it's ok to get stressed and be unhappy in your job. (Though I really would think about looking into a different role/company/industry during your maternity leave if you really hate it and you're constantly stressed.) It's also ok to be stressed about driving a manual car in the dark when you're not used to it and your 'D'H is no use as he's wasted beside you. It's not ok for your partner to be rude about your stress in these situations.

I think you both need to have a serious talk about expectations, behaviour and respect moving forward.

I cannot recall I have ever thought I’ve said something or had a discussion when I haven’t. Usually it’s you forget a conversation, not you remember a conversation you never had.

I do this, I think through the conversation I’m planning to have, get caught up in something else and think I’ve said something when I haven’t. It’s not that unusual for me to be caught off guard thinking I’ve said something when I haven’t.

@Jellycatspyjamas thank you for saying this. That’s helpful. perhaps I shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss it then.

He has ADHD also and I am wondering if there is an element of that coming into play in all this. We haven’t explored how his ADHD may affect our relationship but maybe it does,I don’t understand much about ADHD, and I think we need to explore that so I can understand him better too.

@c152 thank you for saying - I've written a letter to him this morning to get lots off my chest and hopefully we can make it work.

@cottagegardenflower of course, yes it’s half his baby

Thank you That’s a great idea - I will definitely try to do take time off over the next few weeks even if it means having less time I planned at Christmas.

@airrrrAIRRRRiELLLL he says because it was a family event not about us and maybe they didn’t want to detract from that or for other people to overhear given it was so early they knew we were keeping it quiet (however we had many times alone including when they greeted me at their home at the front door and they didn’t act differently at all so I had no idea they knew)

@Somatronic thank you and congratulations on your pregnancy - I hope it all goes well for you! Sorry to hear about your MIL and SIL hope it works itself out too. Yes lots of other things to figure out also but hopefully we’ll get there!

re the payments - we have a philosophy of joint finances from when we married. It’s not my or his money it’s ours (and as an aside currently we earn broadly the same). We are fairly newly married so there are teething problems but this has now been resolved, I just brought it up to show some context of why I think I reacted how I did.

thank you all for your words of advice - really helpful actually and I feel a lot more clear in my mind this morning now, whilst there are lots of different opinions it’s useful to hear them and what a great support network this is.

This is literally the most idiotic post I’ve ever read on any platform. Ever.

I do this, I think through the conversation I’m planning to have, get caught up in something else and think I’ve said something when I haven’t. It’s not that unusual for me to be caught off guard thinking I’ve said something when I haven’t.

One of my (adult) dc does this over and over again. They have an ADHD diagnosis. They genuinely believe they have told me things. Nothing to do with things they might want to be defensive about, just, in their mind, they have told me. May well be because they thought about it, then got distracted.

i wrote time him a letter which I spent hours on and put my heart on my sleeve. I felt it was fair and also opened up on my strong views on marriage and our vows and that I think we need to seek help via counselling and also for me to have calm at this time during the early pregnancy etc (I wrote it in a letter as discussion leads to argument and I’m trying to stay calm with my communication due to the baby) I wrote that I loved him etc and I think there is hope.

anyway he he has now left our home and me on my own, and gone to his parents family home because ‘he can’t be in this environment any longer’.

I’m so devastated and feel so alone.

i wrote time him a letter which I spent hours on and put my heart on my sleeve. I felt it was fair and also opened up on my strong views on marriage and our vows and that I think we need to seek help via counselling and also for me to have calm at this time during the early pregnancy etc (I wrote it in a letter as discussion leads to argument and I’m trying to stay calm with my communication due to the baby) I wrote that I loved him etc and I think there is hope.

Ouch.

If my partner wrote me a letter like that instead of actually taking to me, I'd be horrified.

I'm really sorry that things are falling apart because of it, but really, you have made a massive massive mountain out of a molehill, and the letter would have been devastating for him.

He told his parents something that your parents already knew, and thought bed told you. I can absolutely believe that because I've done similar things. And you've thrown an explosive into your relationship on the back of it.

Bed= he'd

I'm quite surprised at some of the responses on this thread!

Did no one read this part?

I think I’m overly sensitive to things with his parents also as this kind of thing has happened before where he consults his parents me, he decided to give his mum a lot of money without discussing with me, he had some medical treatment and told his parents but not me, so there is a backdrop of feeling like his ties to his family are priority to him and I get left out

And OP feels like whenever she tries to discuss how she feels, it leads to an argument. So she's written it down, and now he's pissed off and left - to where? His parents, of course.

Sorry OP. To me, and perhaps I'm reading between the lines too much here, it seems he's not properly left behind being mummy's boy and needs to realise with a baby on the way his immediate family come first - and that's you and the baby.

What support do you have nearby? Friends, family?

Thank you @Cavagirl
sadly I don’t have but I have spoken to my parents and sister and they provided moral support. we brought a house close to his family not mine.
yes I agree with this and try to say this to him that part of marriage is to detach - this is the route of a lot of our problems. For example two small things that happened yesterday, in a Restaurant we were sat down eating and his mother calls and he answers immediately - I find this rude. If it was anyone else he wouldn’t answer. Then After a very traumatic day just when we about got back on track yesterday he then wants to stop by his parents at the end of the day for cake… feels out of touch. It’s little things like this but it all accumulates and he doesn’t get it.

Thank you @saraclara . It’s hard to explain all the nuances in this thread - it’s not just this. I suppose that was the straw that broke the camels back but there is a whole array of things that have happened in the past / and recently. I just mentioned a few things here. I imagine his response to the letter is like yours that’s why he left but I’m glad I have got it off my chest to be honest with you I’m so fatigued by the arguing. Appreciate your perspective though.

I Change traumatic day for troubling in the above (troubling due to all the arguing and being told to F off)

@Kite22 thank you. It’s helpful to know. I need to look into it more and how it might impact our relationship to be more understanding. We don’t talk about it, and he is ‘high functioning’ (I think that’s the word? Ie hard to see it from the outside) so I find it hard to see what elements are the adhd

Sorry it seems to have come to this, but I agree with @saraclara

Maybe you are writing this from the perspective of lots of other things you haven't told us. Obviously everyone here can only go on what you have told us.

I think, taken by itself, him telling his parents (and then failing to tell you he told them) is not a huge issue in itself. If it were the only thing that happened, I would just assume he forgot that he hadn't told you that he told them about the pregnancy. But in the context of some of the other things (giving money to his mom without discussing with you, having a medical procedure done and telling them but not you) it's not too great. Together with the unpleasant things he said to you when you talked about being upset, it's not too great. That he left the home and went to his parents because of the conflict, that is the worst of all. He is treating his relationship with you as if it's optional: if you fail to please him, he'll just leave and go back to his old life (ie his "real" family). Note that you cannot do that because you moved away from your own family. It does sound to me like he's enmeshed with his parents. That is bad news when you have a baby because it makes me question whether he will support you and the baby or just run away when the going gets tough.

YABU. Why is it ok for you to tell your parents straightaway, but he has to wait to tell his until you’re in your 2nd trimester? He probably wants support too.

I’m not sure why you’re bringing a baby into an unstable relationship. It sounds like both of you struggle with communication.