AIBU - my husband told his parents I’m pregnant without telling me

[Loulou0001]

Hi all
feel quite lost and I’m hoping I can get some support here.
im 6 weeks (had my first scan today) and tbh I’ve been feeling anxious about this pregnancy as I had a MC a few months ago but there was a heart beat today thank goodness!
As background there is lots of stress in my life at the moment, very demanding job, challenges with husband, and pregnancy emotion to contend with.
my husband and I have been having a difficult time and had a huge blow up today following a week of smaller arguments. I found out today, a week after, that he had told his parents I was pregnant (as he said he mentioned to them today on the phone we might have a scan today)… I was shocked when he said that as I had no idea he told them. The last Time we discussed it was about 2 weeks before when I found out I was pregnant and I said to him I would like to tell my parents because of the last MC for moral support so we both agreed I would tell my parents. He said he wouldn’t tell his as he wanted to wait longer so we agreed on that.

Anyhow I was really upset today when I found out he had told them my pregnancy news, as we had a whole day with them this week at a family event without me knowing that they knew and they didn’t say anything to me. We argued about it earlier and he basically said he didn’t see what the problem was with him telling them, and that he ‘thought’ he told me that he spoke to them, says I’m being over dramatic as always that I’m upset.

we’ve been arguing so much - yesterday and again today a separate argument but he said to me: ‘good Lord I could never work with you - I would hate working with you as you cannot handle stress’ . I thought he said it last night perhaps as he was drunk after the family event, but he said it again today and it really hurts.
I do have a tremendously stressful job that I detest. It’s high paid and I know I bring that stress home and all I want to do it quit it as I feel it’s wrecking our marriage. But hearing him say that made me feel so inadequate especially as I turn to him for support when I’m stressed. The reason I was stressed in the car last night was because I was driving his diesel manual car home I’ve never driven before in the dark and stalled about 5 times which was clearly a bit stressful (as he was too drunk to drive).

I feel like am I being totally unreasonable to be upset at him for these things - this is just two things but his response to me being upset is you are always so melodramatic and he’s so weary. He’s left and I don’t know where he is now.

any help or thought would be gratefully appreciated. I want to save my marriage and reduce stress to help our growing baby too and I don’t know if I am just making these things out to be worse than they are and I’m too uptight
thank you
xx

YANBU. You had a discussion and he told you he wouldn’t tell his parents until 12+. He not only unilaterally went back on that; he chose not to inform you. At a vulnerable time, he ignored your agreement and your trust.

This is ridiculous. Genuinely shocked anyone would think this.

Until the baby is born (and afterwards) OP has complete bodily autonomy but he has every right to have feelings about whatever choices she makes and every right to feel he is the baby's father as much as she is the baby's mother.

That's not me saying he has more autonomy over her body's hosting of that baby.

But it's his baby as much as hers and it's healthy for him to feel that way because it means his sense of responsibility is equal to hers once the baby arrives. Which is as it should be.

I think when you’re the one going through all the hard work, you call the shots as to when people find out YOU are pregnant. If he’s agreed one thing then done another or not checked with you prior to telling someone something that is currently private medical information about you, I’d be annoyed. I think when you w been through that and growing a baby is hard work so you’re already feeling a bit sick, sore and just shut in general, the last thing you need is that. We told my parents earlier than his, mainly because if I lost it I can think of nothing worse than his dad knowing details of me bleeding etc or his mum repeatedly messaging or telling other people. The same way I would tell my mum other private things about me that I wouldn’t choose to share with them because she’s my mum

YA totally NBU.

You’re in the early days of pregnancy. You’ve had a miscarriage. Your OH should be treating you like a queen, and have your back at all times. If and when the baby comes along, you’re going to have to have super solid communication and mutual support. He shouldn’t be berating you for getting stressed when first trimester will have your hormones all over the place.

I can't fathom why you'd be trying to conceive a baby with a man who talks to you in the way you've described or gives away money without consulting you. I wouldn't even be staying in a relationship with someone if they treated me like that!

Get your relationship with DH sorted before the baby is born. Draw a line under this argument about him telling his parents and make it clear to him you both need to step up your communication and support one another for the sake of the baby.

I'll tell my mum as soon as I find out I'm pregnant as I'll need her emotional support. I think this would be especially true as I've previously experienced a loss. I'm so sorry you have too.

I think this is an example of something that you'll need to agree to disagree on. And move on from in order to maintain a healthy relationship in the child's best interests.

If he is generally a good partner, I feel this is something it's best to try really hard to move past and accept what's done is done.

I think I’m overly sensitive to things with his parents also as this kind of thing has happened before where he consults his parents me, he decided to give his mum a lot of money without discussing with me, he had some medical treatment and told his parents but not me, so there is a backdrop of feeling like his ties to his family are priority to him and I get left out which is why I think thinking about it I’ve probably blown up over this also.

Sorry I missed this.

This would of course make my reaction to the situation in the original post different to that I just said I thought was best.

I would still think what's done is done, but I would feel he perhaps saw himself as part of his existing family more than his new family (you and the baby).

Perhaps this will change when the baby arrives, I haven't yet had one so I don't know if this is normal / right / wrong.

But he doesn't perhaps seem to view you as a team and yes that would trouble me.

Ok then on that stupid logic, the op shouldn't expect a shiny shit of support from him until the baby is born because it's her baby up until that point ? See how dim you sound.

This is exactly what I was thinking.

He's not having a baby. OP is.

Can we please stop acting like men have any sort of equal contribution to bringing a baby in to the world.

It minimises what women actually go through and what sort of autonomy they have, and what decisions they feel permitted to make.

It's fucking tedious.

Women as a whole deserve a hell of a lot more respect, and that starts with recognising what the fuck most of us actually do and the sacrifices we make. And how difficult it can be to be pregnant and have a baby.

She should deserve his respect. For one.

See how dim you sound now?

It minimises what women actually go through and what sort of autonomy they have, and what decisions they feel permitted to make.

A man can feel he is father to a baby as much as a woman is a mother to baby and still believe with his whole heart that she has full autonomy over the baby she is carrying because she has full autonomy.

For as long as a woman wants to be pregnant and continue the pregnancy, it is healthy for a man to feel as much responsibility (not rights, responsibility, for that baby as she does). Not that he shoulders as much hardship of pregnancy (obviously) or that he has any vote, for want of a better word, over decisions made about the baby while the mother is pregnant, but to feel he is the father of the baby as much as she is the mother of the baby.

That is entirely separate to the concept of bodily autonomy in relation to the baby, which is entirely 100% the woman's.

In fact, I would feel disappointed if during a wanted pregnancy my partner felt he wasn't the father until the baby was born. Because I want him to feel as much responsibility and duty of care over that wanted baby as I do.

We desperately want a baby. If I fall pregnant then I would feel disappointed if he felt a disconnection to that baby until it was born. I need his full emotional commitment to that wanted baby in order to feel supported and a team.

I didn't realise other people feel a man should feel that a wanted baby isn't his child until it is born.

It didn’t feel like the most ridiculous argument once baby was born to me, when I was in a similar situation. 3 years on it still bothers me. We’ve moved on from it obviously but I don’t think it was ridiculous.

They agreed who would be told and when, and for valid reasons. He then not only went back on this, but tried to conceal the fact that he had done so and embarrassed OP in the process at a time when he should be supporting her. Not to mention the name-calling.

There are way too many posters on this thread projecting their own feelings. Presumably none of them believe in a woman’s right to choose, if DH can just unilaterally override what they had agreed.

It sounds like a combination of things. Giving away money and his medical treatment should be something that is discussed with you. Him telling his parents is fine but he should have let you know particularly as you spent time with them. It sounds like you’re a bit hormonal but he should be supportive and knowing that you’re stressed with work, that dig was unacceptable.

Hope you’re ok op and I think you need to discuss all this with him calmly and decide what to do depending on how he answers. Yanbu

I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive about it! If my Dh told his mum everything about my pregnancy I wouldn’t tell him anything. Next appt that he might come to, say are you sure you are able to come to this? You can only come in if you respect that this is my body and my medical appt and you don’t tell your parents my medical info without telling me. First. If we can’t agree that then I have to have my appts on my own. Which is 1000% my right as it’s MY appointment. You’re here for support so you need to decide if you can be support.

YABU, and dramatic.

It sounds like a fairly toxic environment all round. I’m always amazed that people add babies to situations like this.

YANBU
He and his parents pretended his parents didn’t know. You kept your side of the agreement but he didn’t and made you appear foolish. He broke your trust on that.
He was irresponsible in getting too drunk to drive, thus forcing you to drive an unfamiliar car. Thoughtless and inconsiderate especially when he knew you were stressed.
His statement that he couldn’t work with you is also unkind at this stage.

it would be good if you could both talk calmly and agree on a way to minimise the effects of your work stress at home. Eg he doesn’t get drunk, he takes more responsibility for his actions, you make more effort to leave work stuff at work.

You are being really unreasonable. So you get the support of your family during the worrying pre-12 week period, but he just has to cope with it by himself? That's just not fair. It's his baby as much as it is yours, and it's his parent's grandchild as much as it is your grandparents grandchild.

I do think he should have told you he was telling them. But would you have accepted it, or would it have upset you?

What a load of shite. It's just as much his unless her name is Mary and it was the immaculate conception

I think you would be getting different responses if you had included this in your OP. It seems like there is a pattern of secretive/witholding behaviour from him. He is not fully open with you and I think it will just get worse and cause a rift between the two of you when the baby is here unless he is able to work on it now.

Babies only add to stress so I think you should take this time to really prioritise and look after yourself physically and emotionally to shore up your strength in case you can't rely on him further down the line.

P.S. I get the car thing. It's the tip of the iceberg when you are already flustered and stressed, plus your hormones will be going crazy making you feel even more sensitive and vulnerable with a man that has already been secretive and closed.

Yabu.

You tried not to act pregnant 😂😂
How do pregnant women act exactly, that you had to modify your behaviour?

Probably by not drinking.