If you're looking for a relationship, what are your 'non negotiables'?

[BeautifulSunrise]

I was chatting to some friends about this the other night as when it comes to relationships, I'd rather not have 'a list' of what I'd like. You can end up missing your 'person' if they don't conform to 'a list'!

But there are some things which are deal breakers for me such as honesty (last DP was a pathological liar), generosity (I can't stand stinginess) but also, I'd like someone who shared an interest in good food but wasn't a mad extrovert and needed to be out all the time. Give me a night in with some wine and a roast anytime!

Physically I prefer the 'rugger bugger' type but ultimately it's about chemistry and sometimes that arrives looking a whole lot different than you expected.

What are the 'non negotiables' for you?

No smoking, no drugs and not a heavy drinker were my absolute necessities (obviously things like not abusive or a cheater or racist/bigot and all that as a given).

Possibly random but I also didn't want a partner who was into gaming. It doesn't interest me in the slightest and my friends who have partners that are into gaming seem to spend weekends hanging about while the partner plays computer games for hours or late into the night.

Looks wise, I don't care. My DH isn't conventionally attractive but I'm no supermodel either and it's character and personality that matter.

Porn, drugs, smoking, daily drinker, cyclist.

Not a Tory

Not a Tory or Brexit person.
Has to be intelligent.
Good sense of humour.
Has to be a animal lover.

My friend devised this list whilst online dating, used it as her Bible and is shortly about to marry the love of her life. I’ve adopted it, as well. warning, it’s long.

Cannot be:

• Recently single (less than a year)
• Vegan (vegetarian is doable)
• A fussy eater
• Teetotal
• Married (including separated)
• Have children
• Living outside zones 1-2 (London)
• Religious
• Under 5’ 10’’
• Tory or socialist
• ‘Not into politics’
• ‘Not a reader’
• Investment banker or corporate lawyer (you’d never see them)

Must have:

• Nice teeth
• Strong chin
• Postgrad education
• Ambition
• Career I respect
• Own flat
• Fluency in language other than English
• Nice friends

Must be:

• A listener
• Funny
• Clever
• Kind
• 28-35
• Well groomed
• Well travelled
• Well read
• Sporty (rugby, not football)
• Decent cook
• Handy with tools
• Happy and able to competently do their share of chores
• Creative in some way
• Dog lover

But …..
honesty yes but brutal no eg what do you think of this roast chicken? Yummy thank you and next time my turn to cook - not - it’s a dry as the desert etc

generosity - yes but not Jim’s been on the phone again as he’s hard up and I’ve just lent him another £50 K I know we might not see it again, but life’s too short yes?

everything in moderation except

extreme sport eg marathon runners
porn
lives at home
drugs
rudeness
misogyny

Or any anger issues or an ex wife from hell or parents from hells

@ListsAboutBiscuits Do you have all the things you want in your man because I think it's a very difficult wish list (own flat in zone 1 or 2 between 28 and 35!).
I think your list is wonderful, perhaps too wonderful. Are there really men who tick all this?! Your friend must a great catch (looks, family, money, career, talent!) to have landed someone this great.

There are so many silly things on that list!

For eg. my DH isn't that great with tools. But.... he's 6 ft 3, built like a brick shit house, could take on any bloke who decided to be a threat, and he just pays someone to do any tricky maintenance at home, because that's not his forte.

As for having to live in London - and a certain Zone, no less! Ridiculous.

What does your choice of man have to do with what a completely different woman may want in one?

I had a similar bible when OLD (which also worked out very well for me). Right down to specific London boroughs. My career and hobbies meant I didn’t want a LDR, nor to shuttle 1.5 hours across London regularly. Thankfully I followed my bible and my DH was 20 minutes away.

Does your friend tick all the same boxes herself?

I have most of them (I’m a bit shorter) and so did my friend. It’s an immense list, but that fact that she found him gives me hope!

Londoners what other Londoners who live close by. Of all the things to take offence to on this list, that’s an odd choice.

We’re very similar women and I’ve made some tweaks.

I’m glad you found your person.

@ListsAboutBiscuits that's lovely I hope you find him soon! They say you need to know what you're looking for in order to find it.

@ChickenOfTheSea Thank you so much. Fingers crossed, aye? 😁💗

I don’t have a list but I’m very quick to dismiss anyone that I don’t get a good feeling from or says anything remotely iffy. I don’t think a list would work for me because IME arseholes can be anyone or anything, they don’t live in certain areas or do certain jobs or look a certain way. The best advice is to go with your gut and get rid at any sign that they are wrongun or that you aren’t compatible. Having said that, I always avoid any man that has any traits that can go fanatical (religion, vegan, gym addicts etc).

Mine was

Kind
Honest
Had some sort of passion/hobby
Wanted children
Not a workaholic
Not a tory, racist etc
Vegetarian
Didn’t have some knobby mile long wishlist

Drugs
Lying
Overuse of porn
Not respecting me
Unemployed by choice
Mummy's boy
Overuse of alcohol
Smoking
Sulking and silent treatment
Thinking he's superior because he has a dick
Far right view
Far left views
Temper tantrums

I'm sure there are loads more!

Ideally
No kids
Taller than me
Omnivorous
Likes dogs
Drinks but not an alcoholic
Decent job
Drives
Stable living accommodation
Lives less than 30 miles away from me
Aged between 30-35

But all pretty loose. If he was lovely guy who was 37 and had kids I wouldn't necessarily turn him down

Some of the list are due to past dating experiences where I was like never again. See the chap who lived out of a car / caravan clearly wanted to be with me due to having a solid 4 walls.

No porn
No addiction- can't even be a 'recovered' addict
No mommy issues
Must not know or ever want to know what the SyFy channel is
Doesn't flinch at the sight of the words Non and Bio
Doesn't act like making a bed is the same thing as covering a corpse at a crime scene.
Can self-feed/water (I have learned that even some of those who have been through medical school do not know how to self-feed. An amazing phenomenon!).
People mustn't starve or die in his care (see can self-feed above).
Must never ever ever ever ever ever leave nostril contents in the bathroom sink
Must not wear Tevas

my list was :

• single or divorced over a year
• no young children
• financially stable (own home, car and a decent job etc)
• not living with mummy or in a house share
• no smoking, no drugs, not a heavy drinker
• nit obsessed with 'going out with the lads'
• no Lads lad or macho type
• not a fussy eater or vegan
• not racist or sexist
• not right wing
• no hobbies which take all free time up
• def no football fans (yawn)
• no perverts or into kinks or porn
• no commitment phobes
• no strong religious beliefs
• no big egos or intransigence
• not too hairy
• tall
• no hippy types

surprising how many this list rules out 😂
that being said my DH who i e been happily married to for 20 years did have a few of the no ways on this list

Nobody is perfect

I had a list
My partner had some great qualities on my list
One was a good sense of humour

He does also have some on things on the undesirable list, but I have compromised.

The good out weighs the bad

@Believeinyou

May ask what were the no’s he had?

The main thing for me would be needing someone to be a proper, grown-up, competent adult: fully capable of cooking, cleaning, fixing things, organising his own life and not relying on me or someone else to do it.

Generally independent, not clingy, and accepting of my need for independence too.

Not obsessed with sport, gaming, gym, drinking, drugs or anything like that.

Must like dogs and eat vegetables.