If you're looking for a relationship, what are your 'non negotiables'?

[BeautifulSunrise]

I was chatting to some friends about this the other night as when it comes to relationships, I'd rather not have 'a list' of what I'd like. You can end up missing your 'person' if they don't conform to 'a list'!

But there are some things which are deal breakers for me such as honesty (last DP was a pathological liar), generosity (I can't stand stinginess) but also, I'd like someone who shared an interest in good food but wasn't a mad extrovert and needed to be out all the time. Give me a night in with some wine and a roast anytime!

Physically I prefer the 'rugger bugger' type but ultimately it's about chemistry and sometimes that arrives looking a whole lot different than you expected.

What are the 'non negotiables' for you?

No lying, no cheating, no abuse of any kind.

My absolute hard no (assuming obviously no violent abusive types) was around alcohol use. I divorced an alcoholic, so I wanted someone who could absolutely take or leave alcohol, and who would happily not drink at all sometimes. I found one! He's also a cat lover (massive tick there), tall, broad and a bit hairy, as well as intelligent, funny and kind. Lots of ticks 🙂

I didn't really want a dog owner either - I like all animals but wouldn't want to share a house with a dog.

— big beard (total turn off for me).
_ doesn’t play an instrument (headache having to listen most days to some guy messing with his guitar/flute/drums).
_ misogyny.
_ chav.
_ narcissistic.
_ unhealthy diet.
_ drinks or drugs.
_ tells me “his ex is crazy” or talks bad about his ex when we hardly know each other.
_ sexual innuendo/sex remarks on a first date or a situation when we hardly know each other.
_ cheap/ stingy/not generous/unkind.
_ talks about himself most of the time and doesn’t ask me questions.
_ brexit voter.
_ poor personal higyene.
_ jealous type. Insecurity issues.
_ doesn’t know what he wants in life.

Mine was:

• not recently single
• no crazy ex
• taller than me
• no more than 2 children
• taller than me
• decent job

Didn't go to plan though I ended up with a recently separated man, with a crazy ex and same height as me if not slightly shorter and im happier than ever

I didn't have a conscious list but am happily married. If I were looking for a relationship my list would be:

Intelligent
A reader
Not too dissimilar background to me
Stable family
No addictions (past or present)
Totally recognising women as equals
No anger issues
Funny
Outdoorsy
Not overly fastidious/germophobe

Must not have blue eyes or use my sink as a toilet

No addictions

similar attitude to finances as me

his actions match his words

Doesn’t insist on 50-50 on dates - happy to treat sometimes and be treated. Otherwise it feels too transactional. Also means they don’t take account of our circumstances eg different salaries

Not a fussy eater

No kinks or porn

Smoking.
Porn.
Being a liar.
Alcoholic.
Drugs.
Gaming.
Insolvent.
Tattoos.
Doesn't like cats.

If you tick even half of one of those, you need not apply.

No smoking, No drugs, only an occasional drinker, kind and honest.

I found all of those things in a partner who was also seeking the same, wuth the added bonus of being a non drinker.

My children (teenagers now) come first, always, and any potential new boyfriend was going to have to understand that. I was very fortunate and met someone who has just slotted into our lives very naturally. My teenagers like him very much.

I would never date someone lazy or unkind.

May I ask why? That's a strange one ( the eye colour one, totally get the other one )

When I was single mine were
Must drive and have a car
Mustn't be a vegetarian
Must work in a full time job
Mustn't be lazy
Not living with a parent, should have own property
No drugs
Must like football
Must be kind
Mustn't be tight
Must be able to tolerate the fact that people may vote differently from them

I ended up with someone who met all of this criteria.

Good luck in your search. Life is what happens when you're busy making plans, or should I say, writing lists.

Non negotiables / Deal breakers :

NO Children no matter what age, they just bring to much hassle/drama/problems /take up lots of free time and bring to many restrictions as to what you can do in life to the relationship. Although If I had kids of my own that I was bringing into a relationship I'd probs change that view point.

Must be Financially self sufficient and not living beyond their means in tons of debt, ideally a home owner as they would be in there 30's, a higher rate taxpayer so we would have the same sort of disposable income to do as we please and go on weekends away and days outs together

No high maintenance

Must be:

Outgoing / active
Likes playing sport
Same interests as each other as well as same sort of lifestyle
Could go on and on.......

Financially astute
Taller than me
Kind
Gentle
Makes me laugh, or at least smile!
Either slim or broad shouldered
Nice arms
Degree
Intelligent

No smoking
No excessive beer drinking
Kind and a decent guy

I’ve never made an actual list before, but I definitely have some non-negotiables. Luckily I found someone and they do tick all my boxes:

makes me laugh/I make them laugh

sexual chemistry

plays at least one instrument to a high standard

enjoys different types of music

interested in world news

intelligent and likes science/maths/art
^^
prioritises family
^^
equal with household duties/childcare/shares finances
^^
loves London and living there
^^
enjoys travel and seeing local sights
^^
passion for architecture and engineering

Obviously things like being honest, kind, and not being abusive or having addictions etc

Can cook (That is the most important one for me)
Cares about the environment
Values education
Loves to eat out
Has a decent job
Can drive (unless medical issue or reason why they can't)
Doesn't still live at home
Good personal hygiene!!
Treats women with respect
No extreme political views
Not a conspiracy theorist!
Not lazy
Not stingy
Must have a good relationship with children if they have them
Doesn't go on about his "crazy ex"
Wants another child in future
Shares some of my interests

No drugs or excessive drinking
Solvent
generous
Funny
Likes a lively conversation
Likes getting out to engage w the world - travel, gigs, dinners w friends
No insanely time consuming hobbies
living w/in an hour of me

Oh yes! I have a thing for professional chefs for a reason... they know how to cook

My list of no no's would be
Gamer
Non drinker
Smokes cigarettes
Smokes weed or any drugs in general
Unemployed
Very outdoorsy
Unhealthily over weight

Not a smoker, not a Tory, not religious (I don't have anything against religious people, I just think there would be too many potential issues with raising children etc as I am very much not religious).

I also wouldn't have dated anyone who said they didn't really like reading.

Non smoker - first thing I asked my DH was if he smoked 😂

no drugs and not a big drinker

can drive

Height - at least 6f - My DH is 6ft 3

is house trained - he can cook clean and has no problems in doing anything that is seen as wife work
When I’m away he keeps the house spotless

he’s much better at this than me

He knows how to use a drill and is very practical but not above calling in the professionals if he can’t do something

He is kind to people, hates bullies and will always stick up for anyone being bullied

Loves animals

God Dad to his kids and my son

i didn’t realise I was so picky

All the obvious basic ones plus must be / have:

Labour supporter
francophile
interested in good healthy food
short toenails - not unkempt feet
witty
intelligent
agnostic / atheist
follow the science / facts
feminist
sensitive

I'm honestly not fussy as long as he can weld and knows how to fix my truck when it breaks down. And isn't below the age of 30..