If you're looking for a relationship, what are your 'non negotiables'?

[BeautifulSunrise]

I was chatting to some friends about this the other night as when it comes to relationships, I'd rather not have 'a list' of what I'd like. You can end up missing your 'person' if they don't conform to 'a list'!

But there are some things which are deal breakers for me such as honesty (last DP was a pathological liar), generosity (I can't stand stinginess) but also, I'd like someone who shared an interest in good food but wasn't a mad extrovert and needed to be out all the time. Give me a night in with some wine and a roast anytime!

Physically I prefer the 'rugger bugger' type but ultimately it's about chemistry and sometimes that arrives looking a whole lot different than you expected.

What are the 'non negotiables' for you?

I was single for 5 years after I left my ex-husband and it was a really useful time - I dated a load of incompatible people in those 5 years, and that combined with the breakdown of my marriage really helped me fine-tune what I do NOT want, and what I do want (current fella ticks the following boxes, it's nothing short of a damn miracle!):

Will not put up with:
A bloke who does drugs (ex-husband big weed smoker, it pickled his mind)
A heavy drinker (dated a few of those and it's just really boring and expensive)
A moody bloke (ooof. Such misery!)
A bloke married to a gym, bike, or any other such activity to the extent that the relationship falls down the list, priority wise
Hot-headed temperaments
Mobile phone zombie especially with regards to social media

Must have's:
Someone with a very daft sense of humour
Someone good with money (how people prioritise what they spend money on shows fundamental compatibility or otherwise, I find)
Someone who will have your back
Someone reasonable and fair, all-round
Someone who will be happy for me to get a couple of cats (can't afford pets right now, but I definitely see cats being part of my future; I adore the floofs!)
Someone affectionate (cuddle monster here)
Someone calm
A history of being loyal to ex-partners
Kindness and empathy
A guy in touch with his emotions
Someone who also doesn't want kids (I'm 41 and feel relieved I haven't had them)

Don't care:
Whether they can cook
Their height
What they do for a living as long as it's legal and they enjoy it
How much they earn, as long as it's legal and they enjoy it
Body shape (I'm a 5ft 2" little dumpling so hardly going to start being a hypocrite with this one!)
How hairy or not they are
Penis size
Diet (I'm veggie, couldn't care less whether the other person is, and in turn I expect them to also be respectful of my preference not to eat meat)

Must have:

Financial stability
A home
Children, with whom he's in regular contact
Honesty
Empathy
A dry sense of humour
Over 40
At least 5'9 (My height)

I've not actually thought about this recently, because I am still happily married. But if I were dating in 2022 mine would be:

-Takes a pride in looking 'nice', without obsessing over it. No designer shoe obsessions, etc., please.
-Within 10 years of my age either way.
-Does not look artificial (Insta-influencer type lips, eyebrows etc.) and certainly does not have to be ridiculously slim. Happy in her body.
-Has genuine friends of both sexes.
-Has a genuine sense of humour.
-Enjoys a wide range of books, music, TV etc., and not necessarily the same ones I like.
-Is intelligent, preferably educated to degree level.
-Interested in politics and current affairs, and can be whatever hue as long as not a frother/UKIP/Brexit/gammon type.
-Works, enjoys job, believes both men and women should work and should be paid the same.
-Sceptical on woke nonsense like TWAW etc.
-Not bothered about pets.

My list is:

Must make healthy lifestyle choices, so:

• not overweight


• not smoke


• not drink heavily


• must want to eat healthily most of the time


• must be physically active (but not obsessed with sport that takes up the majority of his non-work time!)


• must be able to handle his stress intelligently (rather than self medicate with booze, drugs, fags, or getting into fights)

Must have a similar sense of humour to me

No addictions or obsessions

Good personal hygeine

Have his own car (public transport round here is dreadful, plus I don't want to the default driver) and not drive like a boy racer

Not lazy/selfish in bed

Must love nature/animals

I'd go for these. Also:

reasonably tidy, domesticated.
sociable without being constantly out with the boys
enjoys holidays
fairly adventurous with food (i.e. not pie and mash every night)
good at compromise
willing to try new things
kind and generous

Ambition

I've always been really ambitious, and I just couldn't settle with someone who had no motivation or goals in life.

I always laugh when I see “must be generous”. They always seem to miss the “to me…” qualifier. But I suppose that makes it too transparent.

Well said !

Must enjoying giving oral sex.

Very knowledgable/passionate about something.

I am not single and reasonably content in my relationship. He does not enjoy this, so obviously I don’t force the issue, but should I find myself single I will not spend years without it again.

I wouldn’t be looking to live with someone or marry again so most of my list would be slightly shallow I think.

Intelligent but not posh or middle class.

Lots of dealbreakers.

Drugs etc for sure.

I'm about to become a Catholic so no sex before marriage. Might narrow my options a bit.

I always laugh when I see “must be generous”. They always seem to miss the “to me…” qualifier. But I suppose that makes it too transparent.

@DontBlameMe79 I don't think most people mean it that way. They mean not miserly/not a leech.

But they do mean basically “generous to me”. They wouldn’t be happy to find he’d invited a couple of homeless people to live with them.

It’s fine to say “to me” anyway. I think his resources should be on the table in a realistic relationship.

Not a socialist. Not a smoker. Not a gamer.

Kind. Spontaneous. Loyal.

Hm interesting. Why not a gamer?

Must be able to drive
Decent job doesn't have to be mega bucks but style kind of career that's stable and sociable hours,
Nice friends but not whole big hoardes of them who I'd be expected to socialise with every weekend,
Someone who wants to go and travel and visit different places, go hiking, try new things,
Own home on his own (unless with kids) not a house/flatshare,
Willing to accept they could never live with me or share finances! After my recent experiences in never doing that again,
Needs to be able to drive, swim and ride a bike,
Reasonably into fitness but not obsessed,
Into decent music,
Comes from a kind decent non dysfunctional family. I've been a nurse/emotional punchbag too many times for "complicated" men who have difficult backgrounds. Never again.
Good at IT and fixing things,
Someone who's compassionate and accommodating re how I'm affected by ADHD and dyspraxia and doesn't criticise or demean me for it and actively supports me, e.g. if I lose something help me look for it not shout at me.

Bit of a tall order really!

@D0lphine I just don't consider it a good use of time - I would struggle to respect a man who spent his evenings playing video games. That may be unreasonable but you can choose any reason to not date someone you like. I think I mean a regular gamer - once in a while wouldn't be a deal breaker.

Of course - your rules @roarfeckingroarr!

I guess it's a bit anti sociable to those you live with.

Just someone normal. Who isn't a crank.

Must be funny, work & have good moral values.

I also wouldn't want a man who had never moved out of his ma's box room with no experience of living on his own and can tidy up after themselves.

No wife.

After that, we can talk about it.

I think the list depends on your age and what stage in life you are, my non-negotiables are:

Non Smoker
Intelligent - someone who I can have decent conversations with
Has a hobby that they enjoy, preferably a sport (I'm quite sporty)
Must be able to drive (and have a car!)
Must like animals
Great sense of humour (love a bit of banter!) & a happy disposition
Be kind (though that's difficult to assess until you meet!)

Respectful of other views - we don't have to align on everything as long as we can hear and appreciate one another's views and talk openly.

Similar vices to me - I like a drink and wouldn't want to be with a teetotaler but would struggle with someone who did drugs or gambling, for example.

Financially stable and sensible with money is a must.

Looks wise I'm not attracted to people who are overweight (male or female - I'm bi) but other than that don't really fixate on a physical "type" it's about chemistry and the way a person carries themselves.

I'm not looking but if I were:

Non negotiable

• no drugs, alcohol or cigarettes
• vegetarian or vegan
• car driver
• degree
• not neurodivergent
• no young children
• tidy

Things that are ok by me

• gamer
• cyclist
• lives with parents

Things I'm not keen on

• people who stay up late and struggle to get up in the morning
• clinginess
• bringing work home

My wife doesn't match much of this but I don't care. She is the kindest, cleverest, most loyal and loving person in the world and I wouldn't swap her for anything. She's perfect as she is because she loves me and puts up with me. ❤️

I always went for someone whose friends I liked. You can generally tell a lot about someone by the company he keeps. And if you’re fairly sociable, you will find yourself spending time with these people, so it’s important that you can get along and enjoy their company.