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Original poster

DP unhappy and don't know how to move forward

92 replies

doobeedoobeedoo345 · 07/07/2022 10:02

The crux of the problem, is DP's job, he desperately wants to move and leave his current work for many reasons, however my job is fairly niche which means staying a commutable distance for me. However this massively massively limits his opportunities to move, he's had a number of offers but in the end we haven't been able to find a way to make moving viable. He is desperately unhappy and wants to be able to leave the city that he's been in for 10 years and I hate how my circumstances essentially are trapping him. How on earth do we move forward?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 07/07/2022 10:10

Why does he have to move from the city in order to change his job?

Original poster
doobeedoobeedoo345 · 07/07/2022 10:13

Watchkeys · 07/07/2022 10:10

Why does he have to move from the city in order to change his job?

Because whilst there are other places in the city that do what he does, the work is of a lower quality and not in the field he enjoys (sorry hard to explain properly without being too identifying) but moving to another place in this city isn't an optino because there isn't anywhere... 😔

OP posts:
whatstheteamarie · 07/07/2022 10:30

Do you have DC? As obviously this affects things massively (their schools, exam years etc).

Watchkeys · 07/07/2022 10:32

I think this is actually to do with your ability to compromise, as a couple, and this issue is a symptom rather than the problem itself.

How do you usually deal with compromise? Does either of you usually 'get your way' in conflict, and the other backs down?

Original poster
doobeedoobeedoo345 · 07/07/2022 10:43

whatstheteamarie · 07/07/2022 10:30

Do you have DC? As obviously this affects things massively (their schools, exam years etc).

No DC, I would like us to move so that we can try out new things before we have DC

OP posts:
Original poster
doobeedoobeedoo345 · 07/07/2022 10:45

Watchkeys · 07/07/2022 10:32

I think this is actually to do with your ability to compromise, as a couple, and this issue is a symptom rather than the problem itself.

How do you usually deal with compromise? Does either of you usually 'get your way' in conflict, and the other backs down?

I'm not sure I fully understand? I would like to think we are quite good at compromising, but perhaps I am wrong in thinking this. He chose to support me during a long period of education, and stay in the city, when it might have been easier for him then to go off elsewhere

OP posts:
Original poster
doobeedoobeedoo345 · 07/07/2022 10:46

In conflict I don't think one of us gets their way, but we do struggle with conflict, as I try to talk about things when in an argument, its usually met with a retort of it's pointless talking becuase nothing ever changes

OP posts:
Paq · 07/07/2022 10:48

Could he move for a better job and come home at weekends?

How old are you both?

Watchkeys · 07/07/2022 10:49

doobeedoobeedoo345 · 07/07/2022 10:46

In conflict I don't think one of us gets their way, but we do struggle with conflict, as I try to talk about things when in an argument, its usually met with a retort of it's pointless talking becuase nothing ever changes

And that's the unhealthy thing you need to be looking at. It's not about your jobs. It's about how you communicate.

Is he right with his retort? Do things ever change? How does it make you feel when he retorts? Do you feel that things get resolved as you'd like?

Original poster
doobeedoobeedoo345 · 07/07/2022 10:50

Paq · 07/07/2022 10:48

Could he move for a better job and come home at weekends?

How old are you both?

I am recently 30, and he is 27 - I don't think he would enjoy being seperated during the week, and that would add additinoal financial strain :(

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 07/07/2022 10:50

You cannot make someone happy

You could move with him change your job
And he still be unhappy

How long you been together?
Maybe it wont work out
Or he could move to a job and location he happy with and you go long distance while you work out next steps
See if it is the city/job that is the issue

Original poster
doobeedoobeedoo345 · 07/07/2022 10:52

Watchkeys · 07/07/2022 10:49

And that's the unhealthy thing you need to be looking at. It's not about your jobs. It's about how you communicate.

Is he right with his retort? Do things ever change? How does it make you feel when he retorts? Do you feel that things get resolved as you'd like?

Show quote history

I try very hard to be mindful of things that frustrate or annoy him, but there are larger things at play about things changing, e.g he says our life is boring, but we've reently just both finished a very intense period of study where we both had to work every weekend on top of work - and then obviously covid, so we've not been able to get out much

OP posts:
StormTreader · 07/07/2022 10:55

"My job is fairly niche" doesn't actually mean "therefore I must stay exactly here for ever". What actual possibilities are there for moving? Are there any jobs similar enough to your job that you could consider them?
It sounds a little like you're saying "I need to do what I enjoy so you have to leave by yourself or be miserable" - have you discussed the possibility that he moves and YOU change what you do?

Original poster
doobeedoobeedoo345 · 07/07/2022 11:01

StormTreader · 07/07/2022 10:55

"My job is fairly niche" doesn't actually mean "therefore I must stay exactly here for ever". What actual possibilities are there for moving? Are there any jobs similar enough to your job that you could consider them?
It sounds a little like you're saying "I need to do what I enjoy so you have to leave by yourself or be miserable" - have you discussed the possibility that he moves and YOU change what you do?

It is very rare for positions to come up for what I do, and though I have only been in my current role for 18 months I would happily move if I could if it meant he could then move. There aren't really any similar jobs to what I do, I would have to change role completely. I am definitely not saying my jobs needs are more important than his - it's just there is even less opprtounity for me

OP posts:
Paq · 07/07/2022 11:01

It's pretty common to move for work and/or have LD relationships at that age. I don't think there's another compromise unless one of you changes career.

Original poster
doobeedoobeedoo345 · 07/07/2022 11:04

Paq · 07/07/2022 11:01

It's pretty common to move for work and/or have LD relationships at that age. I don't think there's another compromise unless one of you changes career.

Really?! I don't know anyone doing a LD relationship 😕

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 07/07/2022 11:05

Book some sessions with life coach or counsellor
Individually
And together
To see what each and both want mid term

Paq · 07/07/2022 11:07

Really?! I don't know anyone doing a LD relationship 😕

A lot of my graduate friends went to different cities to establish their careers before gaining enough seniority/flexibility to move around. But with a couple each with professional careers sometimes someone has to make a change, the "trailing spouse".

Cocacolacazza · 07/07/2022 11:08

You don't have any kids? Why doesn't he just look for a job where he wants, apply for it and then decide if and when he is offered a job? Deal with it when it comes to it?

I also agree there are bigger issues here. You don't want to move, he doesn't want to stay. Who usually comprises or bends to the other? Has he bent to you to move to your job and is he now expecting the same in return?

You also mention you can't afford him to work away. Could you afford your current lifestyle if he left permanently? You shouldn't be relying on his pay to support your lifestyle (and vice versa obviously)

OldFan · 07/07/2022 11:08

have you discussed the possibility that he moves and YOU change what you do?

@StormTreader Usually this ends in the woman taking a knock to her career or finances. OP shouldn't have to do this. Gone are the days when women have to follow men around.

@doobeedoobeedoo345 He sounds quite manipulative, with him saying things are boring etc to try and get what he wants. Is he manipulative in other ways? Moodiness and having you walking on eggshells is a dealbreaker in itself to me, though.

Original poster
doobeedoobeedoo345 · 07/07/2022 11:11

OldFan · 07/07/2022 11:08

have you discussed the possibility that he moves and YOU change what you do?

@StormTreader Usually this ends in the woman taking a knock to her career or finances. OP shouldn't have to do this. Gone are the days when women have to follow men around.

@doobeedoobeedoo345 He sounds quite manipulative, with him saying things are boring etc to try and get what he wants. Is he manipulative in other ways? Moodiness and having you walking on eggshells is a dealbreaker in itself to me, though.

It's not that he says everything is boring because he is manipulative, he is saying that because thats how he feels life feels to him at the moment, we are in a city that doesn't have much to do, we are only just getting used ot having weekends again with free time, it's not that he is trying to guilt trip me in any way. I think he just feels lost at what he wants in life.

OP posts:
Original poster
doobeedoobeedoo345 · 07/07/2022 11:14

Cocacolacazza · 07/07/2022 11:08

You don't have any kids? Why doesn't he just look for a job where he wants, apply for it and then decide if and when he is offered a job? Deal with it when it comes to it?

I also agree there are bigger issues here. You don't want to move, he doesn't want to stay. Who usually comprises or bends to the other? Has he bent to you to move to your job and is he now expecting the same in return?

You also mention you can't afford him to work away. Could you afford your current lifestyle if he left permanently? You shouldn't be relying on his pay to support your lifestyle (and vice versa obviously)

I'm sorry if I wasn't clear, I am more than happy to move, it's just that moving means we need to compromise on a location that works for us both.

Affording to work away, technically yes we could both afford to do this, but it would obviously mean double rent and expenses which puts a hit on savings and being able to do other things. We don't rely on each other to pay for our lifestyles, we are lucky to be in fairly well-paid jobs each.

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 07/07/2022 11:16

I think at 27 with no DC, it's no wonder he's feeling trapped. He absolutely should be able to move to a job and a location that is a progression for him. Whether your relationship will weather it is another matter, but if you won't move and he needs to, the relationship would be the thing to give. Which is sad, but if your job is so niche you can't/won't move, then that's pretty intractable and won't get better.

AmericanStickInsect · 07/07/2022 11:16

If you're at a standstill trying to find something that works within certain parameters then you need a bit of creativity/flexible thinking.
Sounds like the parameters need to change.
And there is a lot of 'unlikely' and 'probably'. But what is there 'definitely'?
Can you set a goal and work towards it, eg genuinely searching/applying for jobs (that you can then choose whether to accept or not) with the aim of being somewhere else in a year or so?
Then it doesn't feel so stagnant for him or so fixed for you.
Sometimes unexpected opportunities bring something really wonderful.

Pinkdelight3 · 07/07/2022 11:17

I'm sorry if I wasn't clear, I am more than happy to move, it's just that moving means we need to compromise on a location that works for us both.

Sorry, it sounded like you weren't happy to move - but even with this update, weren't you saying that the location that works for you both involves not moving far from where you are, so it's still not moving in the sense that he needs to?