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Original poster

DP unhappy and don't know how to move forward

92 replies

doobeedoobeedoo345 · 07/07/2022 10:02

The crux of the problem, is DP's job, he desperately wants to move and leave his current work for many reasons, however my job is fairly niche which means staying a commutable distance for me. However this massively massively limits his opportunities to move, he's had a number of offers but in the end we haven't been able to find a way to make moving viable. He is desperately unhappy and wants to be able to leave the city that he's been in for 10 years and I hate how my circumstances essentially are trapping him. How on earth do we move forward?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 07/07/2022 11:18

A LD relationship doesn't have to be long term. It gives some time to breathe and explore options. That is the only compromise I can see tbh.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 07/07/2022 11:18

Sounds like you are being subtly bullied to give up your career on the off chance he might find something he likes more somewhere else. Please don't agree to give up your career for this. If he is really certain then he needs to find that job he wants, and try a long distance relationship for a while. Don't give up what you have for his maybe possibly I might be happier somewhere else. Let him prove it first, and then see how you feel about it.

AmericanStickInsect · 07/07/2022 11:19

Also DH and I were LD into our thirties and we both had to make flexible job choices/jump fields/make compromises to be able to be together. I'm not doing my first choice job but first choice job meant second choice home life 🤷‍♀️ At some point you kind of have to think of what evens out across the board rather than what is top choice for you as individuals.

TiddleyWink · 07/07/2022 11:19

You’re not doing yourself any favours, boxing yourself into such a restrictive career path. If you lose your current job for whatever reason, you need to be able to find another. Even putting aside the impact on him, you’re taking yourself down a risky path. You’ll have no leverage over salary etc if you’re not able to get another job because what you do is so incredibly niche. I would strongly advise you to branch out.

Your boyfriend needs to decide for himself but if he was my son or brother I would be devastated to see him so restricted, trapped and unhappy because of a relationship at age 27. Mom-Fri elsewhere isn’t ideal but it’s an option he should strongly consider. Sorry but if he was my relative I would be hoping that he moves without you if you can’t/won’t move, and doesn’t live to regret wasting his twenties being miserable.

Original poster
doobeedoobeedoo345 · 07/07/2022 11:20

AmericanStickInsect · 07/07/2022 11:16

If you're at a standstill trying to find something that works within certain parameters then you need a bit of creativity/flexible thinking.
Sounds like the parameters need to change.
And there is a lot of 'unlikely' and 'probably'. But what is there 'definitely'?
Can you set a goal and work towards it, eg genuinely searching/applying for jobs (that you can then choose whether to accept or not) with the aim of being somewhere else in a year or so?
Then it doesn't feel so stagnant for him or so fixed for you.
Sometimes unexpected opportunities bring something really wonderful.

There was a recent opportunity, but the commute would have meant almost 4 hours of travel a day for him which he didn't want to do at the risk of quality of life

OP posts:
Puffalicious · 07/07/2022 11:21

I know SO many young couples who do LD. For example, my young colleague and his new wife (now both 32/ 33) have had LD for years including Glasgow- Cardiff; Dumfries- Glasgow; Orkney- Edinburgh and Edinburgh- Canada!

They were both training/ post-grads, establishing careers.

Original poster
doobeedoobeedoo345 · 07/07/2022 11:24

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 07/07/2022 11:18

Sounds like you are being subtly bullied to give up your career on the off chance he might find something he likes more somewhere else. Please don't agree to give up your career for this. If he is really certain then he needs to find that job he wants, and try a long distance relationship for a while. Don't give up what you have for his maybe possibly I might be happier somewhere else. Let him prove it first, and then see how you feel about it.

It's actually the reverse, he is and has been incredibly supportive of what I do and doesn't want me to give it up because of the other benefits of the job

OP posts:
Original poster
doobeedoobeedoo345 · 07/07/2022 11:25

TiddleyWink · 07/07/2022 11:19

You’re not doing yourself any favours, boxing yourself into such a restrictive career path. If you lose your current job for whatever reason, you need to be able to find another. Even putting aside the impact on him, you’re taking yourself down a risky path. You’ll have no leverage over salary etc if you’re not able to get another job because what you do is so incredibly niche. I would strongly advise you to branch out.

Your boyfriend needs to decide for himself but if he was my son or brother I would be devastated to see him so restricted, trapped and unhappy because of a relationship at age 27. Mom-Fri elsewhere isn’t ideal but it’s an option he should strongly consider. Sorry but if he was my relative I would be hoping that he moves without you if you can’t/won’t move, and doesn’t live to regret wasting his twenties being miserable.

this is heartbreaking to read, he is the love my life, but I know it is me that is holding him back. I don't want him to be unhappy

OP posts:
Original poster
doobeedoobeedoo345 · 07/07/2022 11:29

Pinkdelight3 · 07/07/2022 11:17

I'm sorry if I wasn't clear, I am more than happy to move, it's just that moving means we need to compromise on a location that works for us both.

Sorry, it sounded like you weren't happy to move - but even with this update, weren't you saying that the location that works for you both involves not moving far from where you are, so it's still not moving in the sense that he needs to?

I guess it is far enough to feel like enough of a change, (it would be a different country, though not sure how much difference it would make)

OP posts:
imperialminty · 07/07/2022 11:30

@doobeedoobeedoo345 I think then you need to decide what’s more important - the love of your life or your career? I say that without judgement, but at some point you and he may have to choose. I speak from experience - my partner did make that move/sacrifice for me when we were 22 and it worked out.

I would echo the PP that having such little flexibility in your role is bad for you as an individual and makes you quite vulnerable. Whatever happens with your partner, I would think about that and look at your options in case anything goes wrong in your current role/organisation.

averythinline · 07/07/2022 11:32

Its a bit theoretical currently as he hasn't got another job....id suggest he gets a job that he wants for real then work on it.....eg move to the middle ? Investigate wfh options?
Id be concerned about having a v niche job that can only be done in one place personally..

But on a practical basis this the time of your lives to really focus on careers....especially if youve been studying so long...... if you're thinking of having dc your biological clock is ticking and its much easier to do the career stuff before kids....

Maybe make acplan so 2 years x then review

Drywhitefruitycidergin · 07/07/2022 11:32

Do either of you work in roles that can be hybrid.
I can understand him not wanting to commit to 4hrs travel time per day, but if you moved halfway so you both had 1hr each way & only had to commute 2 days a week or could overnight in a travelodge then there might be a compromise that doesn't involve you giving up your job.
I would also make sure that if he gets a new job that he is settled & happy doing it before uprooting at all. A 6 month short let for example.
The grass isn't always greener but you won't know til he tries.

junebirthdaygirl · 07/07/2022 11:33

Can either of you work from home. So many young people travelling to European cities to work from their cheaper apartments while having some adventure and having the experience of living elsewhere. It would be good to do some travelling or remote working before settling down as both so young.

Original poster
doobeedoobeedoo345 · 07/07/2022 11:34

imperialminty · 07/07/2022 11:30

@doobeedoobeedoo345 I think then you need to decide what’s more important - the love of your life or your career? I say that without judgement, but at some point you and he may have to choose. I speak from experience - my partner did make that move/sacrifice for me when we were 22 and it worked out.

I would echo the PP that having such little flexibility in your role is bad for you as an individual and makes you quite vulnerable. Whatever happens with your partner, I would think about that and look at your options in case anything goes wrong in your current role/organisation.

My role is secure in that it is ongoing and permanent, I do have the option to go back to my original field and practice as a back-up, though not sure if being out of it for so long I would struggle to find a job, but I'm sure I would eventually.

How do people make the decision break up because of circumstances rather than falling out of love,

OP posts:
Original poster
doobeedoobeedoo345 · 07/07/2022 11:35

junebirthdaygirl · 07/07/2022 11:33

Can either of you work from home. So many young people travelling to European cities to work from their cheaper apartments while having some adventure and having the experience of living elsewhere. It would be good to do some travelling or remote working before settling down as both so young.

No, only one or two days a week, we both have face to face responsibilites

OP posts:
BornIn78 · 07/07/2022 11:36

You’re in a city that doesn’t have much to do, really?

He sounds like a bit of a whiner. He could have accepted one of the offers he’s had and done a few months using a cheap Air B&B or house share, it’s very convenient to blame you for his inertia.

OldFan · 07/07/2022 11:37

Sounds like you are being subtly bullied to give up your career

It's actually the reverse, he is and has been incredibly supportive of what I do and doesn't want me to give it up because of the other benefits of the job

Maybe he didn't before. But now he is effectively pressuring you to give up/change your current job.

onlywhenidream · 07/07/2022 11:38

One of you needs a complete career change then.

Original poster
doobeedoobeedoo345 · 07/07/2022 11:39

onlywhenidream · 07/07/2022 11:38

One of you needs a complete career change then.

We've both trained a long time to do what we do, that's not really feasible

OP posts:
Doidontimmm · 07/07/2022 11:39

I don’t understand how your job can be so niche that you can only do it in one city (that’s obviously not that great if nothing much to do) in the whole of the UK? Are there other companies in this city you can do your job in or are you stuck with one employer?

onlywhenidream · 07/07/2022 11:41

The options are

Separate or live separate during the week
One Put up with a huge commute once or twice a week
One give up work completely
One change careers

It's not an option to force someone to stay doing something they hate and if that's what you want to happen then I think he should leave you

BackOnTheBandWagon · 07/07/2022 11:41

BornIn78 · 07/07/2022 11:36

You’re in a city that doesn’t have much to do, really?

He sounds like a bit of a whiner. He could have accepted one of the offers he’s had and done a few months using a cheap Air B&B or house share, it’s very convenient to blame you for his inertia.

I agree with this - what city doesn't have much to do??

Original poster
doobeedoobeedoo345 · 07/07/2022 11:42

Doidontimmm · 07/07/2022 11:39

I don’t understand how your job can be so niche that you can only do it in one city (that’s obviously not that great if nothing much to do) in the whole of the UK? Are there other companies in this city you can do your job in or are you stuck with one employer?

Maybe niche wasn't the right word to describe it, but there are limited roles, and they don't come up often, so it's not as easy as just moving to another city for me, I'd have to wait til a position gets advertised then if i get it, :(

OP posts:
AmericanStickInsect · 07/07/2022 11:42

A 4 hour commute comes from a fixed parameter!

Pinkdelight3 · 07/07/2022 11:43

How do people make the decision break up because of circumstances rather than falling out of love

I think they don't usually break up. One would move to the new job and see how a LDR works out. You don't need to live in the same place FT until you have DC - and even then some DPs work away if the job demands it. If the love is strong enough, it works out. If it's better for both to call it a day, then already living apart makes that easier. But there are all these possibilities if the stalemate/stagnation is broken and he steps out of his (unhappy) comfort zone and tries moving away for a job he really wants. Until then, the calculations about 4hour commutes is only going to get more depression. No one needs to consider those hellish commutes with no kids in the mix.