DP unhappy and don't know how to move forward

[doobeedoobeedoo345]

The crux of the problem, is DP's job, he desperately wants to move and leave his current work for many reasons, however my job is fairly niche which means staying a commutable distance for me. However this massively massively limits his opportunities to move, he's had a number of offers but in the end we haven't been able to find a way to make moving viable. He is desperately unhappy and wants to be able to leave the city that he's been in for 10 years and I hate how my circumstances essentially are trapping him. How on earth do we move forward?

If you’re an academic I wonder if you can’t do what a close friend of mine does - she’s a senior lecturer at a university in the Midlands, and commutes to stay away 3 days a week and then returns home to her husband in a Northern city during the other times. She’s very successful and it works very well for them, and it’s not like she’s living away all week.

I'm often the one pushing things but he recognises he is a bit rigid sometimes and is trying to be better

I think if he's bored in general life, he's got the option of either making you feel like you need to make a really hard compromise with him (i.e. move away from your chosen career) or actually deal with his boredom himself, and see if that helps him feel a bit better about things. 'Trying to be better' is a bit of a cop out. He needs to broaden his life, as a first step, and if that doesn't help, that's when to look at drastic changes that affect other people. He's trying to get you straight to step 6 (or something) when he himself is only 'trying' to do step 1.

Honestly normal but it doesnt mean that it's worth it. I always knew that was the deal and so did my partners. Personally I dont think the job is worth it and would certainly recommend to my junior colleagues to leave. But I am now a senior academic in a top London uni so in theory it has been good enough. But the pay is bad in comparison to becoming a consultant so a I said I wouldn't recommend it but the LDR side of things is fine. However, my friends who graduated at the same time as me are paid three times as much and seem happy. so my piece of advice - leave and get a nicer and better paid job

My field is the one my partner practices in, and though a very professional job it is extremely underpaid, practice pays much less than academia :(

Be wary of a DP that is angsty about their job and social life and trying to make it your problem to solve. I've had this over the years with DH - he tends to vacillate between over-investing in his job and mad ideas about giving it all up and teaching / learning a manual trade / living on a remote island / living abroad. It takes its toll on your patience. I encouraged him to focus more on building up his social life and not obsessing about work so much and that has helped.

Am I right that you’ve posted on this before? (Apologies if it was someone else). No reason why you shouldn’t post again, it’s just I’m not sure that anyone can give you an answer to this.

Sorry no I haven't posted about this before - just a long time lurker

I’m sorry that your husband is like this, that must be very hard for you but I think you’re projecting here.

without saying what is - it is hard to advise. but in practice you are young and can probably still change. though i get you might not want to. But a long distance relationship is standard if you are an academic. It's not even something unexpected but standard. As I once read on an academic site - there is only one tenured job, there are plenty more fish in the sea. That is a terrible attitude but is the attitude of most academics.

Do you have any tips on helping to build up social life? We are both quite introverted, and I ahve a few good friends but they live quite far away and with work we haven't had much time to do things :(

You're not bored, @doobeedoobeedoo345 , he is. The issue is that he isn't building his own social life, not that you are not doing enough to build a social life together. He needs to go an make new friends and do new things, on his own. He needs to be the one finding out how to do this. Why are you trying to step in and fix his boredom?

If I'm honest with myself I am slightly bored too, we have exhausted a lot of where we live. I'm trying to fix it because we both need to find enjoyment

unfortunately, thats life of an academic. you end up living where the job is and not necessarily where you'd like to. i feel like i lucked out by getting a job in London but its expensive. However, if you are an academic then you mostly dont get to pick where you live and in theory that should be good enough because of the job. No idea how most people live it. I did five years in Coventry. I ruled out staying as an academic if I had to go and live in the middle of nowhere. For me that was fine because am not all that in love with the job. When it comes to the social life. Most of my friends are people I've studied/worked with. Weirdly this job is often just as busy as ay that of a lawyer but you dont get paid enough i.e. no chance of say outsourcing everything to someone else.

Ah well, that sounds like you both might be ready for some kind of adventure/change - together ideally, but him moving away and you switching up when you stay near your work and when you spend time together might help too. Or you might go wild and try working overseas or travelling or try some new activity together, impossible for others to say really, but rather than him (or you) being a problem, this sounds like it's quite a universal thing that can happen when you've got past the first big push in your careers and aren't at the settling down with kids stage yet, and need to find other ways to explore/fulfil your potential. Even when you're in the right jobs, that time in life can feel like you should be doing more and you try different things before at some point many people decide they've done enough for themselves and are ready to start a family.

All generalisations of course, and you can still have adventures post-DC, but it's much easier in your and your DP's situation. So maybe take off limitations for a few open discussions with no pressure or strings attached and ask what you'd both ideally want to do over the next few years, anything and everything, then have a dream about some positive plans to make stuff happen and gradually get more practical. I think that would be more helpful than starting from the 'I'm bored and stuck' place and risking feeling like the relationship's to blame, when actually you sound pretty in synch. You can solve this together, but it'll take communication and perhaps a bit of bravery - put any fears aside for now. You love each other, you're both qualified and employable and earn well, this is not a bad foundation to explore from.

If I'm honest with myself I am slightly bored too, we have exhausted a lot of where we live. I'm trying to fix it because we both need to find enjoyment

Yes, but what is he doing about the issue, other than putting it down to his work and leaving you feeling that you have to change things because he is bored?

What is he doing about the problem? Or are you the only one trying to find options?

It up to him to make his life more to his liking, not you. i certainly wouldn’t give up your job.

Having said that, do you get many holidays? Could you head off on an adventure together?

With regards to building up his social life, I found that encouraging DH to go out with his work colleagues and partners of my friends helped. Like your DP mine is quite introverted so often prefers something like a group activity - beer tasting, quiz, cinema - before he warms up to pubs and meals with people.

And to Rosebuud. Sharing experiences is not projecting.