DP unhappy and don't know how to move forward

[doobeedoobeedoo345]

The crux of the problem, is DP's job, he desperately wants to move and leave his current work for many reasons, however my job is fairly niche which means staying a commutable distance for me. However this massively massively limits his opportunities to move, he's had a number of offers but in the end we haven't been able to find a way to make moving viable. He is desperately unhappy and wants to be able to leave the city that he's been in for 10 years and I hate how my circumstances essentially are trapping him. How on earth do we move forward?

Yes if you change cities one of you is likely to be without a job for a while or living separate for a while

It's not that big, and having been here 10 years, it's just been exhausted, if that makes sense, a change would give a breath of fresh air

The thing is he's bored and unsatisfied with life at the moment so say you did decide to go with what he wants and move to wherever, there's no guarantee that it would magically solve his problems and who knows he might then decide he wants to move to Australia or somewhere.

I think you need to say what careers you're both in.
There are some really difficult/specific set ups like junior doctoring but Mumsnet is broad and wise and will probably be able to offer more tailored advice if you let us know.

I'm sorry I do'nt fully understand your last sentence, what do you mean by "Until then, the calculations about 4hour commutes is only going to get more depression. No one needs to consider those hellish commutes with no kids in the mix' ?

I’d consider you changing careers then as doesn’t sound great if limited jobs & positions. What if you were made redundant or needed to go part-time due to dc/illness. Doesn’t sound so flexible or easy to change roles.

What's the relationship like apart from this issue? He sounds bored and I wonder if he's posting on forums to try to find a solution that'll work for you both, or if he's just sitting about griping.

If he's bored in one city he'll be bored anywhere. I presume you've got theatres/cycling clubs/running groups/adult education etc where you are, and he's just not into anything, rather than nothing being available?

What I'm getting at is: How much responsibility is he taking for alleviating his boredom? Or does it all fall to you, because you're 'keeping him stuck'?

This is excellent advice.

He has a hobby which he absolutely loves, but its one you do on your own not with other people, which is annoying :( I think apart from this relationship is good, obviously have our disagreements now and then, but mostly think we're good. But maybe I should ask him if he agress with this ...

If you want to stay living together and both of your jobs are niche you don't have many options. But you could research where you could move to potentially so you can both continue to work.

Maybe make a sketchy plan that you will aim to move within 12 months.

He could look at trying to expand/change his current role where he is so he is happier at work and you could look to move somewhere else within your surrounding area.

Almost all jobs are not living the dream. So it might be that expectations need to be curved a little.

Or if you do move because of one of your jobs the other has to accept the sacrifice the non job one is making and compensate accordingly.

What I mean is that even considering a 4-hour commute is odd for a young couple and not taking the job (assuming he really wanted it) because he's tied to staying in the current location is odd too. He's got no ties that keep him in the current location - not in the sense that DC at school are a tie or caring for a dependent is a tie. You shouldn't be a tie in that way at that age. He should be able to move for work and you'd make it work as a couple. Not wanting to be on his own in a flat while he's away mid-week is something to factor in, but imo it's not something a 27yo with a good career would generally see as a dealbreaker. They'd make friends in the new job, they'd build a life in that city. They'd see their DP at weekends. If they hated being alone more than they loved the new job, then they'd realise that error and move back. What I'm saying is he sounds stuck, but shouldn't be. Plenty of things will tie you down in future, so go for it now.

I was in the same situation 35 years ago.
We split. We had no children.
One if us was never going to be happy. That is a huge thing to carry through life.
He was a great bloke, good partner and we worked well together. However that was a huge stick in the works.
He suggested a LDR but I wanted someone who was going to be around rather than a part time partner.

Ok he's not happy in his work and it would be tricky for you to move due to yours.

Because whilst there are other places in the city that do what he does, the work is of a lower quality and not in the field he enjoys

This is where the compromise lies. It's such a childish way of thinking that I just won't work unless it's exactly what I want to be doing. He moves from his current job because it's ultimately making him unhappy. He takes another job. There will be opportunity for progression or movement, and hopefully he'll be happier. If not, he can move to a new job.

Else you're looking at essentially not living together, I know I wouldn't want that. It sounds like checking out - I don't know a single person that has gone from living together to LD relationship that has made it work long term.

DO NOT sacrifice your career for him. What if you move, take a job YOU don't like and then end up trapped? Doubt very much you'd be considering all this sort of shit that he might be.

As an academic, and having always been in relationships with fellow academic, LDR are just part of the course. similar to your situation i.e. long periods of study but jobs are hard to get. LDRs are fine if you are both onboard and don't have kids. I still know people who have continued to live apart even while they had kids but some ended up choosing a different career in the end.

I am also an academic, which is where this problem lies,

Part of me agrees with this, but I have been lucky to end with a career and job that I enjoy, I do'not know how I would say this to him

It's silly to try and position this as a womens rights issue - I'd have said exactly the same if it was a man posting about his wife being unhappy, and I think in that position you might well be saying "he should be supporting you by considering moving his own job so you're not stuck being unhappy".

I do think at a certain point if both of you want to pursue the careers you want to pursue and that involves being in different places and neither of you want to compromise then you have your answer - you’re both better out of the relationship as you’re both prioritising yourselves and there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. But that is your answer.

After my partner moved for my career, I realised two years afterwards I couldn’t pursue that job because it would mean too much time away from him. It was a very gut-instinct decision - a career I’d trained for for essentially 5 years vs this man I was building a life with - and I knew without much agonising what I wanted to do. I think often if you really look inside yourself you know what you want to do.

(I know lots of Mumsnet will say that was silly of me but my old career was in the arts and extremely poorly paid, my current job has much better pay and prospects and didn’t shut down for 2 years during the pandemic, so for me it worked out very well!)

It's not a problem but reality in our field. Essentially you do LDR until you have kids and then decide. It also depends on you specialism. If you are lab based, then have a think about whether or not you will stay put or go into industry. If so, then eventually it will end anyhow. If you are in humanities/social sciences then you only have to be in the office for 20weeks a year and can live with DH the rest of the time. I managed international commuting with a one year old.

I know many couples in their 20s who don’t live together. Indeed for unmarried child free professional couples it’s almost the norm at some point in their relationship, as its very hard to get two jobs at the same time in the same place and find a suitable flat to rent within commuting distance.

If the Op was my daughter I’d be livid if she gave up her hard won job to move someone with an unhappy boyfriend who might get a job he might like in a city he might enjoy ,that’s not too boring.

Because he sounds like a bit of a whinger who can’t be arsed to take responsibility for his own career development and general happiness in life.

I'm wondering what stopped you answering the other part of my post that you quoted, that said

How much responsibility is he taking for alleviating his boredom? Or does it all fall to you, because you're 'keeping him stuck'

Is there something you're not wanting to face here (i.e. you're trying to solve his problem for him by making it into a 'relationship' issue?)

I am more closely aligned with huamnities/social sciences, so you lived in one place during term and then with your DP during the rest of the time? How did you find it?

Nothing that I'm trying to hide, (but also trying to work alongsdie replying!) he has his hobby, but that is a single person thing, in terms of alleviating boredom, he's not very good at being spontaenous or going out of routine, so I'm often the one pushing things but he recognises he is a bit rigid sometimes and is trying to be better

I really don’t understand why you both can’t compromise. Is he looking for a reason to end it or just a whinger who fails to act?

he doesn’t want to do two hour each way commute. Fine. He can do 90 mins and you move thirty mins further out. There is always ways unless you live in the arse end of nowhere you can make this work.

I don't know a single person that has gone from living together to LD relationship that has made it work long term.

I do. Some good friends of mine have been together for over 15 years now but after living together for a while in the early years, they had a long distance relationship with them both living in different countries for career reasons for several years. The nature of both their jobs meant they had to go where the work is. They made a lot of money that way, poured all that money into doing up a house in one of their home countries and now they live together in that house very happily with their child.