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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Resenting husband

97 replies

Meg1990mac · 07/07/2022 01:43

we have been together 14 years. We have 3 children 9yrs,5yrs,4months. I am on maternity at the moment, I havnt been at work for 7 months. My husband works full time in a school, a part time policeman (special), multiple bands and a motorbike club.
the last month and a half he has been out pretty much most days. He did a show for 2 weeks solid (plus working at school mom-fri), police shifts every Friday night, gigs every Saturday night, motorbike ride every Sunday day. X 3 school trips which have stayed over night 1-3 days. A 3rd show last week which lasted 3 nights. Rehearsals on an evening for both shows, plus a regular gig on a Tuesday evening which he does every week. I feel like I hardly see him. Plus if I am to say anything about him being out all the time, then his auto pilot response is that ‘you’re the one that wanted kids!’.
i don’t have any friends outside of work to meet up with (even with kids in toe) and being off work for 7 month has gradually distanced me from them.
whenever my husband is out, there is always women with him, whether they be work colleagues, part of the shows, part of the music atmosphere and it is really making me question his loyalty to me.
mom resenting him so much. I cry a lot. But he just tells me I’m not right in the head and that he hasn’t changed as he has always done all these things.
I don’t know what to do, I’m so miserable and that only pushes him away even more. But I can’t just snap out of it. Life seems so unfair, but I have 3 children to look after with what seems like no help at all.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/07/2022 01:50

Plus if I am to say anything about him being out all the time, then his auto pilot response is that ‘you’re the one that wanted kids!’.

I didn't want kids, DH did. He convinced me. I would be a proper psychopath if I behaved like your DH and said that. FFS once you agree, you are all in.

He's checked out so I'd be planning for a life after him.

Original poster

Meg1990mac · 07/07/2022 01:59

i feel like I’m the one throwing it all away. I wish I could say what I feel grateful for being with him at the moment, apart from him mowing the grass or putting the bins out I really don’t know. It’s just easier said than done. I still love him, but I just hate him so much at the moment for not understanding me at all.

OP posts:

Indigoo03 · 07/07/2022 02:09

Sounds like you do need some me time....my gut feel is something like every Sunday is your day? ( Or daddy's fun day with the kids)...then you can go out or perhaps dad takes them out ....it sounds like he doesn't spend much time with the children either ...

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/07/2022 02:22

my gut feel is something like every Sunday is your day?

That's his bike ride. Selfish twat.

We ALL give some things up temporarily for kids. If we are decent parents. He wants the exact same life while you do all the work.

Does he actually want a relationship with his children?

Original poster

Meg1990mac · 07/07/2022 02:36

I’ve been so upset just lately that I’ve only been thinking about me. He’s never been great with the kids while they are little, he’s shown more interest as they have gotten older. But still days out with the kids are few and far between. During the school holidays he’ll come on a day out as a family. The more I write down in this thread, the more I think how selfish he is and the more it just feeds my resentment. I appreciate the replies and ideas though. I just fear he is so set in his ways and I just make myself more miserable as the days go on. Sorry to continue such a depressive thread. I’m just hoping there is a message or idea that might just save us.

OP posts:

dramakween · 07/07/2022 03:07

Raising kids take time, energy and resources. Some men believe it is a woman's job to do all the work. Abusive men think like this. He doesn't care about your feelings when you've tried to talk to him (another sign of an abusive man) so this means you don't have actually have a relationship with him. Sorry for the bad news.

You need to begin planning to be independent. Get a job or start training to get a job. Find some friends who will support you. Don't waste time trying to convince him to change. Put your emotional energy into looking after yourself, your children and your friends. Your other option is to do things that force him to change, eg. tell him in advance you're taking Saturday mornings off then walk out of the house on a Saturday morning and leave him to it. Doesn't sound like he'd let you do this easily, so you'll have to deal with the consequences of that, whether that is sulking and withdrawing or whether that is angry outbursts - if this happens, in addition to what you've already said, he is almost certainly abusive. Sorry for the bad news but better to be living in truth.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2022 03:12

You're already single. Make it official.

dramakween · 07/07/2022 03:18

Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2022 03:12

You're already single. Make it official.

This.

WhatTimeDoYouCallThis · 07/07/2022 03:30

Your baby is still tiny and it's a tiring emotional time. Hard to be strong and stand up to the rubbish coming your way from someone who should be cherishing you and the children. Unfortunately he is unlikely to change. He will however have to wake up to his responsibilities when you see the light and dump his spiteful arse and he is with the children by himself for up to 50% of the time... Do what you can to prepare him for this by going out on your own whatever his plans - a walk, the shops, anything for an hour to get your head together - and ignore the childish attitude you are likely to return to, with the mantra 'they're your children too'. His behaviour is truly dreadful, isolating you has a lot to do with you lack of friends, which suits him very well. Yes you wanted children but he helped create them. Good luck and I'm sure one day you will be appreciated by someone a whole lot kinder and a lot more fun than him.

babyrocket · 07/07/2022 03:33

Whenever I'm struggling with the baby and ask for help, Dh often throws the old "well you wanted a baby!" thing at me too as a reason to not help. It's absolutely jarring, isn't it? At the moment, me and DD are staying with my parents' because they're so eager to help out because they love her so much. It's funny how all the sudden she's "his" baby again, once I've taken her away because I can't cope. It's an arrogant, manipulative and selfish attitude, used to make us feel bad.

jalopy · 07/07/2022 03:40

How utterly selfish of him. I wouldn't tolerate it.

lonelydad2022 · 07/07/2022 03:46

Dump him. Go for 50 50 custody and expenses. Get a job. Enjoy your children.

Original poster

Meg1990mac · 07/07/2022 07:32

Thankyou for the advice

OP posts:

Rosebuud · 07/07/2022 07:39

I’m in two minds here, as I can see that he is saying he has always done this, this is how he lives, and you knew this when you had three kids, one only four months ago, it would have been clear fo you he wasn’t going to change his life for you and them.

it’s selfish of him not to change and support, but I can’t understand why you’ve had three kids knowing the situation. Did he ever agree to change his lifestyle before you decided to proceed with each child?

KatherineJaneway · 07/07/2022 07:42

From what you have described you are not really in a relationship. He lives a single life and just uses you to cook and cleanand keep house. Is that what you want for yourself?

Jewel7 · 07/07/2022 07:53

I don’t know if you have tried sitting down and having a proper conversation. As it seems he is so busy and your lives are passing in different directions. But I would message him and say we need to talk properly. Then when the kids are in bed. Spell it out, maybe even write it down. His life versus yours. He hasn’t given anything up since having kids. Even if he adjusts one thing so a few less a month to start with. As it’s not just about you, it’s about your children too. Some people can’t relax, maybe he is one of them. If it was me I would feel like getting my own back! And book into evening classes and get myself out the house. Join the baby groups etc and start chatting to people. Make a life for yourself too. He needs to compromise. Try counselling if he won’t listen.

lamaze1 · 07/07/2022 08:18

He should be stepping up. You can't "save" things on your own, he needs to want to try too. You've raised this with him and he has shut you down, he is probably banking on you shutting up and putting up. If he actually cared, when you raised the issue he would have surely started doing something to help you. Instead he shut you down.

Quite honestly, I'd leave him as this probably won't get any better. You'll just have one less person to look after.

KosherDill · 07/07/2022 08:38

Rosebuud · 07/07/2022 07:39

This is what I was wondering, tbh. People are who they are.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/07/2022 08:40

His priorities are his life consisting of working full time in a school, a part time policeman (special), multiple bands and a motorbike club. You people as his family unit do not get a look in. He regards everything outside of his life which you facilitate for him as "your job". And when does he ever spend any sort of time with you and his children; short answer is that he is absent and uses the home as some sort of crash pad.

Do not further get bogged down in your sunk costs; all this about throwing it all away is an example of that. There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.” This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

You cannot save this on your own; he is showing no signs whatsoever of wanting to change anything about the set up from his side. And besides anything else what are your children learning about relationships from you people as their parents?. You want them to potentially emulate this role model of a relationship?. No, we should demand better for our children; we owe them our truth.

You are basically a single parent so I would make that status official now by divorcing him.

coodawoodashooda · 07/07/2022 08:46

My xh was like this. He's wearing you down. Give it another year or two and you'll be more unkempt, uncared for, weary, angry and unable to think straight. Leaving him will be harder. Picking yourself up will be harder. It's a strategy abusers use. Your husband has an agenda and you are not on it. He is sabotaging your ability to communicate about your feelings because that would hold him to account. Please do your children a favour and get rid of him. It is hard enough being a mother, never mind being a mother who knows she is being treated like shit. I am so sorry this is happening to you. He thinks you won't leave because of the kids. Any last ditch promise will be made to trick you. What a nasty man.

Original poster

Meg1990mac · 07/07/2022 08:49

our first pregnancy was unplanned. The second and 3rd were planned. He has been like this the whole time I have known him, so although he’s never going to change and maybe it’s unfair of me to ask him, I’ve just dealt with it all this time. I’ve told him quite a few times over the years that it’s too much, he changes for a short while to make an effort. Then straight back to the usual. If we talk about it, he will arrange a babysitting night and we will do something together. But he only ever does this when I get so upset. He is not spontaneous any other time.
I think I’ve just had enough now.

OP posts:

TiredMommy93 · 07/07/2022 08:52

Wow... I would have probably killed him for saying "You wanted kids". That's so messed up. He decided to have them and he is responsible for them. Sorry you have to deal with that....

TiredMommy93 · 07/07/2022 08:53

Absolutely!!! Stay single or find a better man. I wouldn't stay if I were you.

Rosebuud · 07/07/2022 08:56

Ok, having had enough, that’s fair enough, but again, why did you chose to have two more children knowing the father wasn’t involved and had no desire to be and wasn’t going to change his life.

Original poster

Meg1990mac · 07/07/2022 09:00

I really don’t know. I guess I was just hoping things would change. I was wrong.
i don’t regret my children at all, I love being a mum.

OP posts:

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