Resenting husband

[Meg1990mac]

we have been together 14 years. We have 3 children 9yrs,5yrs,4months. I am on maternity at the moment, I havnt been at work for 7 months. My husband works full time in a school, a part time policeman (special), multiple bands and a motorbike club.
the last month and a half he has been out pretty much most days. He did a show for 2 weeks solid (plus working at school mom-fri), police shifts every Friday night, gigs every Saturday night, motorbike ride every Sunday day. X 3 school trips which have stayed over night 1-3 days. A 3rd show last week which lasted 3 nights. Rehearsals on an evening for both shows, plus a regular gig on a Tuesday evening which he does every week. I feel like I hardly see him. Plus if I am to say anything about him being out all the time, then his auto pilot response is that ‘you’re the one that wanted kids!’.
i don’t have any friends outside of work to meet up with (even with kids in toe) and being off work for 7 month has gradually distanced me from them.
whenever my husband is out, there is always women with him, whether they be work colleagues, part of the shows, part of the music atmosphere and it is really making me question his loyalty to me.
mom resenting him so much. I cry a lot. But he just tells me I’m not right in the head and that he hasn’t changed as he has always done all these things.
I don’t know what to do, I’m so miserable and that only pushes him away even more. But I can’t just snap out of it. Life seems so unfair, but I have 3 children to look after with what seems like no help at all.

Also if he comes out with the 'I was happy with two shit' I would be so tempted to call his bluff and tell him he needs to stop at home and look after the two eldest because you want to take the youngest one out for the day

But I am in a petty mood right now so don't take my advice, just bin him off

Where is he normally on Wednesday night? If he is in the house anyway you could just leave for your class.....

This is no way to live OP. He has made it obvious he is not willing / doesn’t see the need to change so what are you willing to do for your own future happiness?

I have been where you are (miserable and in a shitty, toxic relationship clinging onto the dream of a happy family) and I did eventually get rid. I only ever felt a huge sense of relief, free to be me again! I’m not saying there weren’t tough times, but I have loved my time just me and my kids. I’ve met someone now so I’m onto my next chapter but spent 4 very happy years on my own first!

Well it's going to be a revelation to him having to scale back his activities and learn to parent all three of his kids once you separate isn't it.

Don't worry about the kids being upset by you separating, it sounds like he is so uninvolved they probably won't notice him not being around anymore. They might have more quality time with dad if he agrees to every other weekend.

I wouldn't count on him parenting his children on separation. I had exactly the same marriage with my exH, he lived like a single man, worked away as much as possible and dominated any spare time with his hobbies. When we separated he did the bare minimum which dwindled to nothing when he moved someone else in. He also left our frightened daughter home alone so he could play golf. Also left her with a complete stranger abroad to do the same.

Selfish people don't suddenly start to cooperate or reciprocate. My DD has no relationship with her father now.

BTW he impregnated you with three children but is not responsible for their care? It's your 'fault' and decision entirely. How does that work then? His thinking is very disordered isn't it?

He clearly has no interest in having children.

Your youngest is 5 and you wanted a 3rd even though you were already doing everything?

OP, he is not going to change.
He continues to be an avoidant parent.

I think you need to look at what separation would look like.

I wouldn't expect him to have very much to do with the children.

An afternoon a fortnight at most.

So you need to be realistic.

As you have a baby perhaps it's best to sit out the next few years and get yourself back to work.

When a man does nothing for child nr one, I really cannot understand why a woman would imagine child nr two will improve things, not to mind nr three.🤷🏻‍♀️

Best of luck.

What you need to do is talk. No way of saving anything if you don't communicate

Yes he used to do this all before and hasn't changed. But the 'hasn't changed' is the problem. You have had to change by being on maternity leave and looking after kids - you can't do stuff you used to do.

He needs to step up and be around more otherwise your marriage is heading out. I'd make that clear and lay out your expectations

He is unlikely to have the DC often or step up when you split however the resentment won't be there in your face hour and hour daily.

Get your ducks in a row before telling him you are ending the marriage

This. I think it is a very bad idea to have kids with someone who isn’t invested/didn’t really want them and even worse to keep on having them with him.

I know of several woman who stopped at one for this very reason.

They would have had another, but the workload of two when both parents had busy careers, and it became apparent that they would be the default parent, made the decision easy for them.

When parents mentioned it, they were very open about it, they decided to stop at one when it became apparent that the bulk of the parenting was falling on the woman.

Both woman had worked long and hard to qualify and were not prepared to reduce their hours.
They loved their careers.

They have never regretted their decision and have very happy only children.

I know for myself if my husband had been a lazy selfish arse, it's unlikely I would have had a second.

Honestly, and I hate recommending this, I would wait until the youngest is twelve or thirteen and does not need childcare anymore then go.
You can use the time to plan, retrain, take proper legal advice and save. Get a full time job about a year before you go to get established for references for short term rentals etc. It sounds like you are done and he won’t take the children even eod if he can’t handle two hours. If you had one child I would say go now, but childcare for three children could run into thousand each month.

Well my initial response was ..

You may have been the one who wanted kids but he agreed – if he was so against it he could have used a condom or got the snip.
Get tough with him and tell him he needs to step up to being a dad to HIS children and a partner to HIS wife or else you’ll divorce him and go and find someone who doesn’t treat you like a commodity he used to produce offspring for the bragging rights.
Maybe find a better way of wording it but ..
you get my drift.

..until I read this…

“we have come to a head tonight. I asked that I have 2hours on a Wednesday night 6:30-8 to go to a yoga class. He has said no, he cannot look after the kids. I tried to barter and ask for fortnightly. He won’t do it. ‘You wanted 3 children that’s your problem, I was happy with 2’. ‘You want a perfect life but there is no such thing’.
he has now gone to bed and I am sat on my own.”

Now I just think what a selfish, thoughtless, heartless, inconsiderate bastard he is. So no, don’t find a better way of wording it than that. Just tell him straight.

He obviously has no care about your feelings so why should you consider his.
You shouldn’t have to “ask permission” to go to a yoga class. You should be able to just tell him you’re going and he should be agreeing to look after the kids for A COUPLE OF HOURS a week.

Please, here, have some of my inner RAAAHHHHGGGHGHGHH.

I’m bloody furious with him on your behalf. Invent some family crisis that you have to go to right away and just walk out for a couple of days. Let the shit hit the fan.

God, no. Probably best not to do that either but seriously. He has to take some responsibility for the marriage HE entered into and the family HE took part in creating (I’m assuming willingly to both).

If you do divorce, tell the courts he told you HE would like 50/50 with the kids and then sit back and watch him squirm as he tries to wriggle out of that to maintain his single life.

Sorry, that's probably bad advice too. God, my inner bitch is coming out tonight.

But the youngest is 4 months so she has 12 years before this is a possibility.

I would get it if it were only 3-4 years but 12 years with this waste of space could be terrible for her MH.

He is an abusive, selfish, insensitive prick.
He really is doing his best to terminate any love you have for him, isn't he.

Well, if he won't do anything for you, you must stop doing anything for him, stop wahing his clothes, ironing, cooking, cleaning his mess, his life admin and sex.

Just stop !

So they are your kids, change their names to yours, he's not their dad, he's a sperm donor, that's all, a useless neglectful wanker.

Christ, he won't give you 2 hours away from the children, that's fucking shocking.

You can't go on like this, even if you carve out your own life you will resent him more and more, God you're gonna have to get up early in the morning because there won't be enough hours in the day for how much you're gonna hate him.

He will only get worse.
And he won't change.

What an absolute bloody selfish bastard. Even without kids what kind of relationship is it when he’s out every single day???

I can’t believe that he won’t look after his own kids for 2 hours a week. I would broadcast this. Let all his family and friends know and split up with him. Rather be alone than seething.

Hi! Hannah Here i have a idea. arrange a date of something you both enjoy and after the first 2 see how you felt about him on those nights if you enjoyed your time with him arrange more but if you didnt or he just blew you off then thats final i think you either set the rules or dump him. i hope you the best,

Plus if I am to say anything about him being out all the time, then his auto pilot response is that ‘you’re the one that wanted kids

Rubbish response. Even if you didn't have kids, he would be out all the time anyway and it would still be a problem. Couples spend time together, and most want to do so.

he hasn’t changed as he has always done all these things

Maybe he has, but unfortunately he seems to be one of these men who think that once they have a partner, literally nothing should change about their life. They go out whenever they want, come home, have a nice lady to shag when they want, maybe someone to watch TV with, and that's it. Their idea of a relationship is not like yours.

There is no unity in this relationship. No working as a team. No care from him. I don't think there's even a friendship here. He won't even give you bit of time to do yoga, for fuck's sake.

Why would all the kids be upset by a disinterested deadbeat being away even more than he is already? 🥴

If you find yourself in future thinking about some bloke: ‘maybe he’ll change’ there’s your sign to immediately dump.

Read OPs posts.

OP your husband clearly doesn't love, respect or care for you. He wouldn't be treating you this way if he did. I doubt he's even been faithful to you during your relationship, considering how emotionally distant he is to you.
Line your ducks in a row financially. Assume after divorce he will never bother to see your kids again or pay any child maintenance. Plan your time, financial budget, where you live etc based on this. You might want to retrain, or move somewhere cheaper to live etc.
Also, easier said than done, but if you've got any family, social support system, get closer, move closer to get their social support, you'll need it.
If this planning, relocating, retraining, all takes 2 years or 10 years, since childcare for 3 children is expensive...either way, just do it. Having a clear plan of action will make you feel tons better and in control.
How do I know your husband will have no contact with your kids and pay no child maintenance post divorce? Your husband sounds exactly like my deadbeat dad.
What will make it easier on your kids is if you get them to start calling him by his forename, and not call him dad. Also change their surname. Get them to psychologically distance themselves. It's helped me lots. Understanding that a dad is not based on biology/sperm, but on the love, care, attention, respect and relationship they may or may not take the time to cultivate with their offspring. Sperm alone means nothing.
Also, in the meantime, don't do anything for your husband, don't cook him meals, or wash his clothes, or sleep with him, just make up any old excuse, you forgot, you're tired, leave him/check out from him, in the meantime.